Is it that time of year already? Today marks the 5th anniversary of the dreaded Forum Prediction thread of doom! Let there be rejoicing and dancing in the streets and singing of confusing songs about sine waves!
2009 will be a year of reunification. First Korea, then Dakota, and finally, the sundering of the OOT and Asylum may or may not come to an end . The trend will be taken too far when some overzealous posters decide to combine their post counts to become superposters of doom using experimental genetics techniques and good old mad science. The resulting debacle will be messy, but profitable when the movie rights are finally sold.
Having conquered all foes and ruled in relative peace, Clstr 7 will be haunted by the spectre of impending conflict as the evil Clstr 21 comes to power far to the east.
The Economy will go up, then down, then up, then down, then up, then up, then sideways. Then some @#$%^& will invent replicator technology and ***** us all.
In accordance with the prophecy, the new dawn will occur in the forum known as the false DAOC, yet the return will be heralded by the false one, not once, but thrice. The time of the renunciation is at hand, and none shall be spared. But Hearken, lo ye despair, for the end of the old shall precede the start of the new, and the fluffy!
Bubspeed will discover an entirely new use for Flan
In a tragic Yodeling accident, BrownDuck will inadvertently be painted purple. All attempts to re-dye him brown will fail and he will be forced to change his username.
GwynapNud will found a secret British computer Illuminati society called “The doom Shire” and will secretly replace the Royal family and most MPs with robot clones. Their end goal? A decently priced car that runs on bagels.
Deathwysh will buy a pony
At exactly 4:36 pm on Saturday, August 15th, 2009 MentalFrog will bend over to pick up a penny on the corner of Mayfair and 3rd. the penny will later prove to be a near worthless Mexican peso, but in the split second it takes to retrieve, a small space meteor containing an ancient and malevolent entity will swoop through the space his head had been occupying mere moments before. This good fortune will keep mankind from being enslaved for at least another 4 months.
Tare will wake up one morning to discover her lost evil identical twin cousin Doru has challenged her to a duel at 20 paces with explosive aardvarks. After an epic battle spanning 3 days and nights, and destroying at least 3 moderate sized towns, Tare emerges victorious… Or does she???
Jophiel will use his secret hedge fund (get it? Hedge? Ahahahahahaha) to purchase the Illinois Senate seat. This will allow the allakhazam forums a moderate measure of influence in Washington after the incentive “double post count Fridays” is implemented on the site for people with “J’s” in their username…
Catwho what when where why how? (sorry, I’ve always wanted to do that!)
Darkerimage, having lost his dual with the SharperImage apparently, will go on to found a trendy line of harry potter/goth crossover clothing for confused teenagers with more money than sense.
Annabella will invent a new type of Polka music. Dubed Shock Fusion Punk Polka by the mainstream media, this strange combination of Tubas and electric guitars will be responsible for at least 4 deaths by the end of the year, making it at least 40% less lethal than Rap music and Country!
In a last minute twist of fate, Elinda will be in position to catch the winning touchdown during the 2009 superbowl, but will decline due to not wanting to be tackled by large linebackers.
Gbaji will finally release his epic masterwork “Psychological studies of an Allakhazam forum and how I played them all for years without most of them catching on that I was doing it on purpose hahahahahahThbbt!” It will sell at least 18 copies.
Wordaen will develop a new weapon in the war on forum spammers: the Whale-a-pult! As soon as a spammer posts, the Whale-a-pult tosses a grey whale on them until they stop. This will be highly effective until the Japanese figure out what is going on and start abusing the system.
Headlines around the world will proclaim: “Ambrya cures Cancer!” only to discover 4 months later that the cure has a minor side effect of giving everyone aids.
Smasharoo and Nexa will combine their efforts to help their Vladimir Putin-bot gain total control of Russia! This will allow them the opportunity to create a resurgent, yet kinder and gentler USSR.
Paulsol, Kalivha and LockeColeMA will form a wandering folk music Trio. Their exploits will eventually form the basis for the next great science fiction movie.
GrowlingBunny will receive a letter with a really interesting postal stamp sometime in September.
Paskil will adopt a pigmy Albanian wall pig and found a successful truffle hunting venture.
DSD will come down with a mild cold, while annoying, the medicine will have the startling effect of granting psychic powers that allow her to levitate and teleport anything starting with “g”. This will be put to good use, and eventually either start or prevent world war III.
AngstyCoder will discover the One Code, and use it to program a new virtual society ran entirely by nanognomes.
Aripyanfar will discover a new process of making bullet proof cloth from cat hair. All cats will eventually come to fear the name Aripyanfar
Totem will inadvertently become supreme warlord of Angola after his helicopter is blown off course and lands on top of the current warlord. He will be forced to wear ruby red combat boots to the LAST though.
Atalus will learn to juggle throwing knives, and will become quite the hit at parties
Fatalillusiontw will be revealed to actually be a clever illusion created by shadows and mirrors.
tarv, having reportedly left the world of the Navy behind, will secretly roam the sea in a fusion powered submarine of his own design, ramming and sinking whalers and eventually settling on an island somewhere. Possibly a mysterious island. Of mystery n stuff.
Nobby, having been mistaken for Eric Clapton one too many times, will go on a bloody and violent rampage wielding a spatula and 2 cans of cheese spray through downtown Paris.
Usagi will be mysteriously assaulted by a large wheel of cheddar.
Proroc will encounter an Antiroc. The resulting explosion may or may not end all life as we know it, but on the plus side, whatever happens afterwards Nebraska will be far less flat than before.
Omegavegeta will battle Brussels Sprouts to see who will reign in the ultimate vegetation showdown. Tune in to 2010 to see who wins!
Kakar will learn to make a really excellent cinnamon roll and will bake them for all of us!
Shykre will get jiggy with it.
Draknorr will found a new gaming studio aimed at brainwashing the elderly into playing MMOs. These new games will be in black and white, and will extensively involve the use of puppets.
After Failzor spontaneously combusts, he will be reincarnated as a houseplant. Which will not be a carnation, despite the obvious pun possibilities.
Kavekk will open a school to teach people how to fold origami.
While completely unexpected, MDenham will win the lottery and buy everyone a really nice hat! Unfortunatly, the hat will be shared on a time share basis.
Yossarian will be out jogging and will encounter second to last of the Mohicans.
Xsarus, Ahkuraj, and Maulsont will all be attacked by mutant zombie pickles from Oicron persei twelve.
Trickybeck will be inducted into the Yak wrestling hall of fame.
Rale will manage to kill off the rest of the remaining mac based servers. And there will be much rejoiceing!
Katielynn will forget her lantern and will be eaten by a Grue! Then that Grue will be eaten by another Grue. The whole experience will be quite grueling.
Samira will develop a process to create the perfect steak sandwich, and thus hold the key to ruling the world! (except for India…)
Calthine will battle the forces of the evil Empire from her secret lair in Hoth, and will win after discovering AT-AT walkers become quite brittle in sub zero temperatures. The Moose will be with her!
Belkira will sue Belkin cables for copyright infringement and will win!
TirithRR will become a scurvy sea pirate! ArrrrrrrRR
Crazyrick will implode after an attempted rickrolling. No one will notice.
Zepoodle will discover Zat Ze Gogglez, ze do Nothink!!!!!!!
Aadyn Litefoot will turn to the darkfoot side and will become known forever more as “Darth Aadyn”
Allakhazam will create a new form of sports in Philidelphia that can only be won by people from Philly. After 12 long winless seasons, the project will be abandoned.
Tzemesce will <Censored by order of Homeland Security and your neighborhood Kentucky Fried Chicken>
Thumbelyna will star in the smash 2009 comedy hit “Willy Wonka goes to ****”. I don’t get it either.
Soracloud will have a happy and uneventful new year with his new family addition!
Gokuuu will … Bwahahahahahaha!!! Wait… Really? Ahahahaha!!! No, this one is too easy. I can’t hahahahahahahah!!!! Sorry…
Leonai_Art will become the first Allakhazam admin to break the sound barrier.
Guenny and Barkingturtle will embark on a world tour of famous hedgehog sightings. It will be a very short tour.
Wolfjorg will be assimilated by the Borg. Resistance is Futile
Baelnic will be mistaken for a Network Interface controller card and inserted into a computer case on accident. The resulting extraction will be rather messy for all considered…
Cami will successfully breed a race of SuperChcocobos. They will all be plaid! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
Demea will discover that the letters in his username can be rearranged to spell media if you replace one of the e’s with an i!
Soulshaver sells seashells by the seashore?
RedPhoenixxx will be outed as a flammable communist **** actor
Position Vacant will be filled by a vacancy filler and will no longer be vacant, thus ceasing to exist and rendering any future prophecies about itself useless!
Kylen and digitalcraft will be grouped in a filler prediction for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Danalog will create a new type of database, based entirely on non Euclidian geometry. It will be revolutionary, and confusing at the same time! Peepmouse will later figure out a way to reference it in a Euclidian geometric framework.
Luckypink will win the Nigerian lottery! No, really!
Donbayne will… Wait, who are you again?
Fleven will launch his secret Allakhazam Coup attempt but will be inadvertently thwarted when the IRC server crashes in mid Coup.
AtomicFlea will please to be posting more this year!
Uglysasquatch will be captured and photographed in an effort to prove the existence of bigfoot. However he will eventually be determined to be a were-penguin instead.
Sweetumssama will take care of business and work overtime.
Darqflame will become allergic to having allergies, thus curing herself instantly. Her success story will prompt many TV talk show appearances, eventually culminating with her own TV show. Unfortunately it will be on the Fox network…
Nadenue, having gained complete control of the mighty space station moon of Neptune, will test fire the massive space station’s primary weapon on Pluto, because it was in the way, and then will embark on a galexywide hunt for Aalderaan
Jonwin and ElneClare will open a camp to teach people how to bungee jump off of exterior porches!
Debalic, having forgotten to set his clocks ahead for the impending leap second, will become disattached from the spacetime continuum and will drift aimlessly through the cosmos until he eventually collides with the year 1324, where he will make a successful living as the town inventor, until later being burned as a witch.
Flishtaco will be declared dolphin free!
Kelvyquayo will step outside and see a large leaf sitting on his precisely manicured lawn, While moving to pick up the leaf he will accidentally trip over a skateboard. While falling, the skateboard wills hoot across the yard startling a cat which will leap up and scare a large harpy eagle which had been sleeping in a nearby tree. The eagle will panic and lay an egg which will fall from the tree and land on an approaching car, causing the driver to lose control and it a fire hydrant. The resulting water jet will cause a low flying aircraft to divert and cause the wash from it’s propeller to blow a hanging sheet off the laundry drying line in the back yard of Kelvyquayo’s neighbor. This will in turn cause said neighbor to think the sheet is a ghost and to shoot it with a shot gun. The noise from the blast will startle his Shetland pony, which will take off collapsing a section of fence. The air wash from that fence collapse will push an abandoned wagon containing a sack full of marshmallows across the street, just in time for Kelvyquayo to land on it safely, avoiding a nasty concussion. Yay!
Nyu will clone themselves, creating nyu two!
Makaro will learn how to climb a pudding covered hill while under fire from rubber band wielding dwarves.
Paulsol will learn how to tap dance.
Fynlar, shadowrelm, Paradox, PunkFloyd and sodenke will all be chased by Were-penguins.
Feelz will be briefly squished by a large stack of wheels.
Wint will be recognized as most immediately recognizable and memorable forum figure of 2009.
CrowTsamoc will explain what his name means to us all.
Azrielis will win the discus throwing event at the 2009 world discus throwing contest after inventing antigravity.
Timelordwho what when where… oh wait, I already did that joke… hmmm ok, will be abducted by Daileks and forced to do their bidding!
Allegory won’t be all gory. Just mostly gory.
Tailmon will find herself turned into a character from “Pong” for exactly 34 minutes, 20 seconds.
Nilatai will step on and squish at least one spider. Yay!
Eiran will write the lyrics for the top hit of 2010.
Exodus will inheret a cheese factory from his long lost great uncle Vladivostok III.
Shaowstrike will end up with a d missing from his name. Or added to it. Maybe a couple extras. And a Q for good measure.
Boywithoutaspoon will discover that there is no spoon!
Ikkian will observe a new planet using his secret space telescope and will name it “bob”
In the tradition of the past masters, Bijou will paint the ultimate “dogs playing poker” painting. It will sell at auction for eleventy billion dollars.
Spyderbite will bite a sports car.
Slightlysober will be perpetually drunk.
After a brief car chase, Senjiow will escape into the unknown carrying the largest stolen rutabaga in history.
Nizdaar will invent a new sport involving 3 alligators, duct tape, 125 feet of cable, and a pulley. It will eventually replace football in popularity amongst viewers from Alabama.
Evadeing a number of would be assassins, Agent 00Mindel will succeed in her mission to infiltrate the secretive criminal organization P.O.T.T.S
Multidude will develop a single personality disorder.
AshOnMyTomatoes will Reticulate splines.
NaughtyWord will be filtered by the swear filter for at least 24 hours, much to everyone’s amusement.
Iamadam and Yodabunny will open up a bagel bakery and win an award for “best raisen bagel of 2009”
SaitohTheNinja will be attacked by Pirates. And a Were-penguin. The were-penguin may or may not be an actual pirate, but did pirate software at some point. So we’re not sure it counts.
Pikko will be revealed to the world as the evil mastermind behind the secretive criminal organization P.O.T.T.S, or Pikko’s Organization for Terror and Troll Squishing, after an audacious and successful plan to receive aid money from the UN to better support her people.
NixNot will discover a method where one copy machine can be used to create a duplicate copy machine simply by placing it on top of the other one and hitting the button, and will eventually establish a thriving used copier sales business.
Borlandomagic will discover a new element.
Sogoro will receive change for a $20 bill on a Tuesday.
Doug will become the new Wint.
Lemmi will be ran over by a badger.
Siralin will invade Paraguay. Then realize that he is stuck ruling Paraguay. Oh well, it could be worse. At least it isn’t Guam.
Dyadem will learn how to knit socks.
Codyy will be blamed for the next failure of the Large Hadron Collider
Niobia will establish a charity for orphaned mooses. (meese?)
Quadkit will become the first person to successfully breed Mongolian lungfish in captivity.
TurinAlexander will spontaneously combust after consuming too much hot sauce. But he’ll get better.
Galkaman will invent a time machine. Unfortunately it will only go forward in time 1 second.
Anyone else I forgot will obviously take up kite surfing!
And me? Well… this is the year. The wombats are in place. All the portents are aligned. My forces are ready… Operation Wombatgeddon will commence! Mwahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
Edited, Dec 31st 2008 5:58pm by Kaolian