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I have a problem (was forum=28)Follow

#1 Dec 08 2011 at 8:44 AM Rating: Good
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And I am kinda embarrassed about it. It is sexual in nature and I will try to keep this as PG-13 as possible. I don't really have anyone else to ask about this considering I don't want anyone else to know about this aspect of my life so asking a friend in person is out of the question. If this is inappropriate, I apologize and you can nuke the thread all to ****.

I have a boyfriend! We have known each other for about 6yrs. He is a friend of one of my ex's friends. We have hung out a couple of times before and he has come to a few of our parties at the old place. Things are going great except for one thing... I am heavily into kink in the bedroom. He has spent the night over here a couple of times and things were straight vanilla and that was okay, but now I feel a craving, a want, a need that's not getting fulfilled. We have only been together for a couple of months now and I am wondering if it is too soon to bring up my alternative lifestyle. Should I wait until he gets to know me a bit better first? I don't want to scare him off because he seems like a really nice guy and so far, we are really good together. So far, he hasn't given me any inclination that he might be into the heavier stuff. Of course, neither have I so he might be hiding himself just as I am hiding myself... But still! Should I wait? Or ease into it? Start with the little things and build up to the big things? Or just say the **** with it and jump in feet first? I don't remember dating being this complicated...


Okay... Here goes nothing...
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#2 Dec 08 2011 at 9:05 AM Rating: Excellent
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Jump in. If he runs away then it was never meant to be.

Also, post pics.
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#3 Dec 08 2011 at 9:10 AM Rating: Excellent
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Just use your ****** to make him think it was his idea.
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#4 Dec 08 2011 at 9:29 AM Rating: Good
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I'm not good at manipulation. I'm a straight forward, to the point, and honest person. I want to sit him down and just say it. Like, all of it. Everything I want and need from him. But... I get embarrassed just typing this out much less talking face-to-face about it! Would it be appropriate to have this conversation through text? Like text messaging or maybe on the computer? I would feel a lot less awkward.
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#5 Dec 08 2011 at 9:33 AM Rating: Good
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Kind of depends on just how kinky it is, and I'd try hinting at it or asking him about his preferences first.
And if it's a little more extreme I definitely wouldn't just sit him down and tell him because that might scare him off.
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#6 Dec 08 2011 at 9:46 AM Rating: Good
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His Excellency Aethien wrote:
Kind of depends on just how kinky it is, and I'd try hinting at it or asking him about his preferences first.
And if it's a little more extreme I definitely wouldn't just sit him down and tell him because that might scare him off.


It's a little more than a little extreme. Asking about his preferences is a good idea. That way i'll know how far I can go and still be within his comfort zone.
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#7 Dec 08 2011 at 9:48 AM Rating: Excellent
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Delva wrote:
I'm not good at manipulation. I'm a straight forward, to the point, and honest person. I want to sit him down and just say it. Like, all of it. Everything I want and need from him. But... I get embarrassed just typing this out much less talking face-to-face about it! Would it be appropriate to have this conversation through text? Like text messaging or maybe on the computer? I would feel a lot less awkward.
Handwritten note, maybe. I wouldn't through the computer.

Also, I think we all need to know what you're into. So we can help provide an appropriate plan of action, of course.

Edited, Dec 8th 2011 10:49am by Spoonless
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#8 Dec 08 2011 at 10:06 AM Rating: Excellent
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I think I found your fetish.

http://i.imgur.com/AHl9d.png
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#9 Dec 08 2011 at 10:42 AM Rating: Excellent
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Ease up to it to gauge his level of comfort. You're at a stage in your relationship where you guys can go to a lingerie store (Frederick's or Victoria's Secret). And after you model a few lacy things for him, saunter over to him, bend over and whisper in his ear "I want to get a little bit naughtier." Head over to a more risque shop that has items (Hustler) and model a bit more shocking clothing and then give him a kiss and whisper in his year "I want to try something naughty...." Raise your eyebrow, bat your eyelashes, do a **** smirk and see where he leads.

I could also give you tips on how to introduce a conversation about fantasies, but that's a bit more direct and explicit. PM me if you want.
#10 Dec 08 2011 at 10:46 AM Rating: Good
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Thumbelyna Quick Hands wrote:
Ease up to it to gauge his level of comfort. You're at a stage in your relationship where you guys can go to a lingerie store (Frederick's or Victoria's Secret). And after you model a few lacy things for him, saunter over to him, bend over and whisper in his ear "I want to get a little bit naughtier." Head over to a more risque shop that has items (Hustler) and model a bit more shocking clothing and then give him a kiss and whisper in his year "I want to try something naughty...." Raise your eyebrow, bat your eyelashes, do a **** smirk and see where he leads.


http://i.imgur.com/Y6UdS.jpg
#11 Dec 08 2011 at 10:52 AM Rating: Excellent
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In all seriousness, it WOULD help to know what we're talking about. It's hard to recommend you just say "Hey, wanna try...?" if that's going to be "Wanna try renting a shaved spider monkey dressed in a gimp suit and slathered in mayo?"
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#12 Dec 08 2011 at 10:53 AM Rating: Excellent
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Say you have a scat fetish.

Then pull a LOL J/K and at that point he'll be so relieved, he'll be up for anything.

Unless he's into scat.
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#13 Dec 08 2011 at 11:14 AM Rating: Excellent
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More details, like preffered power dynamic, primary fetishes etc would give more to work with in order to give advice.

I can try passing it along to an expert on the subject in order to give you a recommendation.


Edited, Dec 8th 2011 12:18pm by Timelordwho
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#14 Dec 08 2011 at 11:21 AM Rating: Excellent
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This thread is just too cute. Makes me smile.

I don't have any advice, but I hope you guys can get it worked out. Smiley: smile
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#15 Dec 08 2011 at 11:23 AM Rating: Good
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I am a submissive *********. I like to be cut, burned, choked... I like breath play. I like being told what to do. Um... I am not into scat play, golden showers, or emetophilia but blood does excite me if it's my own. Um...
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#16 Dec 08 2011 at 11:26 AM Rating: Good
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I was expecting more of a "put it in my/his ***" type kink...

Cutting/Bleeding/Burning may be a little on the weird side for some people. I know I'd have a hard time cutting or burning someone, even if they wanted it.

Edited, Dec 8th 2011 12:27pm by TirithRR
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#17 Dec 08 2011 at 11:41 AM Rating: Good
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Try bringing the fact that you prefer if he takes control and that you prefer rougher ***, as that's probably the best way to ease into it. You want to let him go down this progress down this path relaively slowly so you can gauge his reactions and have exploratory discussions in stages so that neither of you gets burned (at least emotionally).
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#18 Dec 08 2011 at 11:41 AM Rating: Excellent
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TirithRR wrote:
I know I'd have a hard time cutting or burning someone, even if they wanted it.

Likewise. That said, I'd get it out there ASAP. You're not going to subtly convince someone to cut and burn you so, if it's that important to you, you might as well put your cards on the table now rather than waste everyone's time.
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#19 Dec 08 2011 at 11:45 AM Rating: Excellent
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#20 Dec 08 2011 at 11:53 AM Rating: Good
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Good lord, I feel like a school girl out on her first date. I am so nervous. Baby steps are good. I'll slowly bring up some of the more tame kinks and go from there. I know it'll probably be awhile until we are to the cutting/burning stage and i'll just have to deal with that. Unless, he completely surprises me by having just as many kinks as I do... That would be great but I am not getting my hopes up.
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#21 Dec 08 2011 at 11:55 AM Rating: Excellent
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Jophiel wrote:
TirithRR wrote:
I know I'd have a hard time cutting or burning someone, even if they wanted it.

Likewise.

I dunno, people are capable of pretty extreme things in the heat of arousal (sexual or otherwise)--more than they usually think they are.

I'm pretty vanilla in the bedroom aspect, but I had a girlfriend who was similar to the OP (but less extreme) and in the throes of passion, when she'd whisper something she wanted done to her it seemed a lot less crazy than when I was remembering doing it afterward.

I think easing into it is the best way to go about it, to avoid scaring him off. But I'm not an expert, or even all that experienced outside that one GF, so take it for what it's worth.
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#22 Dec 08 2011 at 12:05 PM Rating: Excellent
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Aliekber wrote:
Jophiel wrote:
TirithRR wrote:
I know I'd have a hard time cutting or burning someone, even if they wanted it.
Likewise.

I dunno, people are capable of pretty extreme things in the heat of arousal (sexual or otherwise)--more than they usually think they are.

Speak for yourself. There's a wide enough gulf between light bondage and stuff like that and inflicting physical injury that I think most people have an idea where their limits lie.

Knowing that I'll be the minority opinion here and most people will say "Oh, just take it slow", I'll restate that in my opinion the time to be open about this, fully, is now. Otherwise the negative possibilities will range from a best case scenario of him saying "**** no" and leaving to him feeling emotionally and romantically entangled and getting involved in stuff that make him feel like shit out of a sense of obligation to you and your needs. Which will just poison the relationship in the long term.

The potential positives don't need elaboration since, if he's into it, kudos to you both and rock on with your bad selves.
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#23 Dec 08 2011 at 12:08 PM Rating: Excellent
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Jophiel wrote:
Aliekber wrote:
Jophiel wrote:
TirithRR wrote:
I know I'd have a hard time cutting or burning someone, even if they wanted it.
Likewise.

I dunno, people are capable of pretty extreme things in the heat of arousal (sexual or otherwise)--more than they usually think they are.

Speak for yourself. There's a wide enough gulf between light bondage and stuff like that and inflicting physical injury that I think most people have an idea where their limits lie.

I was speaking for myself. That's why I said "I dunno" instead of "You're wrong", and wrote out the extent of my experience with a disclaimer. I'm not going to knock on someone who knows and respects their limits, just trying to give my own perspective.
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#24 Dec 08 2011 at 12:15 PM Rating: Excellent
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While it might take some work to get into cutting, you can probably get a little into burning simply by having some candles near the bed and telling him you want him to drip hot wax on you.
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#25 Dec 08 2011 at 12:17 PM Rating: Excellent
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Jophiel wrote:
Knowing that I'll be the minority opinion here and most people will say "Oh, just take it slow", I'll restate that in my opinion the time to be open about this, fully, is now.
I think you can be open and up front about how you like it, but still work up to the actual acts slowly.
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#26 Dec 08 2011 at 12:18 PM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
Aliekber wrote:
Jophiel wrote:
TirithRR wrote:
I know I'd have a hard time cutting or burning someone, even if they wanted it.
Likewise.

I dunno, people are capable of pretty extreme things in the heat of arousal (sexual or otherwise)--more than they usually think they are.

Speak for yourself. There's a wide enough gulf between light bondage and stuff like that and inflicting physical injury that I think most people have an idea where their limits lie.

Knowing that I'll be the minority opinion here and most people will say "Oh, just take it slow", I'll restate that in my opinion the time to be open about this, fully, is now. Otherwise the negative possibilities will range from a best case scenario of him saying "**** no" and leaving to him feeling emotionally and romantically entangled and getting involved in stuff that make him feel like shit out of a sense of obligation to you and your needs. Which will just poison the relationship in the long term.

The potential positives don't need elaboration since, if he's into it, kudos to you both and rock on with your bad selves.
On the other hand. there's no need to go into details and tell everything either. Just stating that you're into BDSM will get you an idea of whether that's for him or not. And him doing stuff he feels sh*t about won't last for long anyway because he won't really be dominant and it won't be a satisfying experience for either of them.

I think being open to him is the right thing to do but leave out the details for now. No need to scare him off if it's something he's interested in but not familiar with (yet).

edit:
Monsieur Spoonless wrote:
Jophiel wrote:
Knowing that I'll be the minority opinion here and most people will say "Oh, just take it slow", I'll restate that in my opinion the time to be open about this, fully, is now.
I think you can be open and up front about how you like it, but still work up to the actual acts slowly.
This, basically.

Edited, Dec 8th 2011 7:20pm by Aethien
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