If you plan to read this, read it all. Don't read part of it. don't skip to bottom and comment..In fact don't comment at all. Just read it and hear my story, before anything else happens you can not fix because it's reached beyond your control. Here is my story.
Have you ever gone so long, for years, hiding behind something to have the possibility of never having to deal with it?
Have you ever thought what it'd be like, to know what its like to be free from the chains and actions that binds each to his or her own's bonds of life?
Can anyone even relate? Can anyone even fathom(sp) the reality that hits us each day?...I can. Read, or ridicule me, or tell me to gtfo, nothing will matter, but read before you comment please. Thank you. And everything I am telling you now, I have never told anyone before and should not now, but I hope to reach people ..and hope they can avoid what I've done.
I been going ballistic on several friends as of late, some I even have known for the entire 4yr-5yrs I've played this wonderful game of FFXI. Friends of whom I've never think I'd ever break ties with.
I even joined a honestly great LS< even tho ...weird at times, alot of good people there-short tempered at times I'll be honest, but they accepted me and befriended me and allowed me to dwell in their LS of theirs.
Just recently decided to ask them why I had been let into that LS, despite all the rumors and facts that have been told about me. Then ...out of being pure tired, I started talking about life to one of my leaders. They probly didn't care, but they listened.
It made me think really, about what I said. How I played this game for such a long time, it was the very reason I lived, to play this. It made me think alot.
I kind of nodded it off and didn't care. Then got into a fight with a LS member who hated me for reasons unkown, so I decided to blow off steam again and talked about the same reasons I hate/love this game.
It made me think even more.
I hope you all never have to go through this, or have more self control then I ever hope to have. But the reasons and things I had talked to those people about made me realize how pathetic I really was, I hit rock bottom in life and finally realized it. I don't want pity, I dont want "I'm sorry to hear that'...
Just don't let it happen to you...
For four-5years..I played this game, for four to five years..I rambled and played this game my hardest to be the very best I could hope to be...but with actions that fail to define the reasons I even did such things to myself..
I went for years, making webpages to make my income, I never left my house if barely to jog/exercise...I ignored my friends even tho they knocked on my door, called my house, sent me invites to hang out, get drunk have fun..every week they tried harder ad harder to get to know me and I shut them out, I left them be.
I never went to funerals when friends died, I never went to family reuinions for anything, I even lived with some **** @#%^ who let me into their hosue(good friend at the time...knew them through another friend)..I worked a Job, I paid bills...
Decided to move in with this friend of mine, known them for 3yrs, they never wonce hit on me or tried anything because was very respectful of their friends reguardless of their sexual orientation. He started to get mean during days he got depressed, I ignored that, down to the day I almost was stabbed and molested by him while I was sleeping...woke up to see him trying to do something to me...I took the knife and had it at his throat saying if he did anything I'd end his life.
Days went by and I stayed living at that apartment. Reguardless of previous actions that had happened, being scared every day of my life what could happen to me...if I went to sleep...all to play this tiny little game...the reason you seen me on it day and night 2yrs ago.
I finally moved out after 2yrs of 2-3hr sleep days and working, moved out finally out of that hellhole..
I never went out to get laid, to get a girl that appreciate me, or I'd acknowledge was alive, because I wanted to play this game instead.
I did many more things I could name, but I think this is enough.
I have absolutely no self control when it comes to this, and I am sooo much better irl then I am making myself to be right now, I never have problems outside before I started this, I got myself so sucked in, its ripping me apart, its decaying my life, its going to kill me if I dont stop.
On FEB 28th, my character will be deleted, removed eradicated, given to a friend to change password then delete so I cant come back, all my merits have been removed, almost all rare/ex gear is gone. I won't come back, I won't return.
I am sorry to anyone I have **** off, I am sorry for anything I've done, my childish acts and temper tantrums...I am so sorry for everything, and maybe I took out my hatred of life on you all I'll never know.
But please don't hate me on me leaving, I don't want enemies on leaving... I had so many good friends, and could of had more. I wish you all the best of luck, and please...if you do anything, don't ruin your life, like I have mine...you do not want to know what it feels like, sitting all alone at home crying because you are afraid what will happen if you take that knife and cut your wrists, that you wont be able to stop....please don't do anything to ruin your lifes, live good don't ruin it because you'll never know what you got till its gone...your friends, family...everything...I am even crying writing you this because I dont want to leave you all behind I love you all so much-you all were the best friends I could ever have and I ..I just...don't know...I can;'t go on living like this something has to change something has to be resolved
and I need help. I don't believe in god. but I hope there is one cause I need it bad...and ...just..never..give up on yourself, and you'll never have a bad life.
I end my wall-o-text saying g'bye to the friends I had, the botters I hated even tho alot of cool people were them, the stoners I met, the friends I could have had...and everything else I could imagine.
Your Friend if you'll allow it,
After I got done wanted to come back...and say one last thing...
I also want to clear up some rumors...
Joyuse RMT incident, I didn't know they were RMT so accepted their help. Got sword
My Vermy@66RDM which started the rumors, PLed Leonx to lvl 20 for 25M form lvl 15. Bought Vermy cause to lazy to quest AF.
Bought gil? No, Sold it? Nope
Spammed whitegate lagging people and fighting with people because of random things? Alot.
Made most my gil making hakataku clusters selling for 1.5-3M each back in the day...on to other things...
Selling my account? No, I do not want anyone ruining the skill ad semi-good rep I had while on ifrit, and using what they can't even fathom to even proccess in their tiny heads on how to use the complicated macros that make me a good skilled RDM and RNG.
Plus, its only work 100$. Not worth it to make people hate me jsut because of it.
Swapping servers? Was going to instead of this direct result, but it all hit me at once, and if I come back it'll repeat itself.
I don't think I got anything more to say. Later.
Edited, Feb 1st 2008 2:01am by Escaflone
Edited, Mar 25th 2008 7:53pm by Lia