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Dear ElindaFollow

#1 Jan 18 2013 at 8:38 AM Rating: Good
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In honor of the passing of Dear Abby, for today only I'll be giving out free relationship advice.

Ask away, it's Friday, I need distractions.

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#2 Jan 18 2013 at 9:08 AM Rating: Excellent
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Dear Elinda, I shot my pretend girlfriend with food stamps.
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#3 Jan 18 2013 at 9:11 AM Rating: Excellent
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lolgaxe wrote:
Dear Elinda, I shot my pretend girlfriend with food stamps after I caught her stealing my recycling. What should I do?

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#4 Jan 18 2013 at 9:22 AM Rating: Good
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Shaowstrike the Shady wrote:
lolgaxe wrote:
Dear Elinda, I shot my pretend girlfriend with food stamps after I caught her stealing my recycling. What should I do?


Carefully disassemble the body by removing the two screws found behind each ear and prying her open at the buttcrack. Remove the brain and the innards. The brain you can probably re-use in your next girlfriend. Throw the innards in the compost pile and process the rest just like you would any other chunk of meat.

Don't forget to retrieve the food stamps.
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#5 Jan 18 2013 at 9:22 AM Rating: Excellent
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I bet she lived but had a stroke, right?
#6 Jan 18 2013 at 9:23 AM Rating: Good
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Dear Elinda,

My wife and I have a new son who is 7 months old and an older girl who is 7 years old. We recently sold a car and are presently down to just a Toyota Carrola for the 4 of us. We don't drive much, but when we do it's frequently long trips through frozen wastelands. Can you recommend a new family vehicle for us? I'm partial to wagons, but my wife prefers SUVs. We'll probably buy a Subaru Outback regardless of your opinion, but you know, we're open to suggestion.

Oh, a few caveats:

We won't buy an American car, we hate America.
My wife won't allow us to buy a Korean car, as she says "they're a cruel race"

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To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a whore. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? Gay. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

#7 Jan 18 2013 at 9:32 AM Rating: Excellent
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I thought you hippie liberal elites automatically bought Volvos. Or had one assigned to you.
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#8 Jan 18 2013 at 9:34 AM Rating: Good
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Smasharoo wrote:
Dear Elinda,

My wife and I have a new son who is 7 months old and an older girl who is 7 years old. We recently sold a car and are presently down to just a Toyota Carrola for the 4 of us. We don't drive much, but when we do it's frequently long trips through frozen wastelands. Can you recommend a new family vehicle for us? I'm partial to wagons, but my wife prefers SUVs. We'll probably buy a Subaru Outback regardless of your opinion, but you know, we're open to suggestion.

Oh, a few caveats:

We won't buy an American car, we hate America.
My wife won't allow us to buy a Korean car, as she says "they're a cruel race"



What with road rage, frost heaves and careless mooses, I'd avoid the roadways altogether.

With just a couple strategically placed landing pads transport by cannon is quite economical.
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#9 Jan 18 2013 at 9:41 AM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
I thought you hippie liberal elites automatically bought Volvos. Or had one assigned to you.

I know, image shattering isn't it.

Korean's are nice people. I've heard lots of good things about the Kia Sorento.
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#10 Jan 18 2013 at 9:46 AM Rating: Excellent
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Dear Elinda,

This guy I've been having some good-natured fun with over the internet just found out I'm not really the girl he apparently fell in madly love with. I'm stuck back-peddling a little now. Do you have any advice? Or maybe a good alibi?

Jophiel wrote:
I thought you hippie liberal elites automatically bought Volvos. Or had one assigned to you.


Isn't it a Prius these days? Smiley: confused

I can't keep up with trends.
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#11 Jan 18 2013 at 9:49 AM Rating: Excellent
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Prius is for the elite-wannabes. The real elites with cash don't waste their time on the toy cars until you reach super-elite status: they'll get Teslas.
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#12 Jan 18 2013 at 9:51 AM Rating: Good
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someproteinguy wrote:
Dear Elinda,

This guy I've been having some good-natured fun with over the internet just found out I'm not really the girl he apparently fell in madly love with. I'm stuck back-peddling a little now. Do you have any advice? Or maybe a good alibi?
Anything short of a sex-change operation and you're just fooling yourself.

Be brave young she-man.

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#13 Jan 18 2013 at 9:55 AM Rating: Decent
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I thought you hippie liberal elites automatically bought Volvos. Or had one assigned to you.

This, in fact, used to be true, but you were given a choice between the Volvo or the Saab. Then a few things happened. GM bought Saab and destroyed the brand, and Volvo did produce placement in Twilight and inexplicably stopped making Wagons.

So now it's the choice of an Outback, a TSX Wagon, or various douchebag SUVs. The 5 series wagon used to be acceptable, but now it reeks too much of conspicuous consumption. The Jetta TDI wagon is sometimes thought acceptable, but it's really too small for us.
____________________________
Disclaimer:

To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a whore. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? Gay. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

#14 Jan 18 2013 at 10:05 AM Rating: Excellent
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Dear Elinda,

My husband is a bed hog. He ends up in the middle, with most of the blankets, and I usually wake up shoved to one side about to fall off. He blames the cat, who does have a tendency to settle around his knees, taking up a third of the bed by himself.

How can I convince him we need to upgrade to a king size bed?
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#15 Jan 18 2013 at 10:05 AM Rating: Excellent
Meat Popsicle
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Elinda wrote:
someproteinguy wrote:
Dear Elinda,

This guy I've been having some good-natured fun with over the internet just found out I'm not really the girl he apparently fell in madly love with. I'm stuck back-peddling a little now. Do you have any advice? Or maybe a good alibi?
Anything short of a sex-change operation and you're just fooling yourself.

Be brave young she-man.



Follow up question then: can I borrow 5 bucks?
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#16 Jan 18 2013 at 10:09 AM Rating: Good
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Smasharoo wrote:
I thought you hippie liberal elites automatically bought Volvos. Or had one assigned to you.

This, in fact, used to be true, but you were given a choice between the Volvo or the Saab. Then a few things happened. GM bought Saab and destroyed the brand, and Volvo did produce placement in Twilight and inexplicably stopped making Wagons.

So now it's the choice of an Outback, a TSX Wagon, or various douchebag SUVs. The 5 series wagon used to be acceptable, but now it reeks too much of conspicuous consumption. The Jetta TDI wagon is sometimes thought acceptable, but it's really too small for us.

If you go with the TSX wagon, get it in black. You can pretend to be secret service (or maybe you don't have to pretend).
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Alma wrote:
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#17 Jan 18 2013 at 10:10 AM Rating: Good
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catwho wrote:
Dear Elinda,

My husband is a bed hog. He ends up in the middle, with most of the blankets, and I usually wake up shoved to one side about to fall off. He blames the cat, who does have a tendency to settle around his knees, taking up a third of the bed by himself.

How can I convince him we need to upgrade to a king size bed?

Crown him.
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Alma wrote:
Post and be happy!
#18 Jan 18 2013 at 10:10 AM Rating: Good
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someproteinguy wrote:
Elinda wrote:
someproteinguy wrote:
Dear Elinda,

This guy I've been having some good-natured fun with over the internet just found out I'm not really the girl he apparently fell in madly love with. I'm stuck back-peddling a little now. Do you have any advice? Or maybe a good alibi?
Anything short of a sex-change operation and you're just fooling yourself.

Be brave young she-man.



Follow up question then: can I borrow 5 bucks?
Obamacare is all you need to find true happiness.
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Alma wrote:
Post and be happy!
#19 Jan 18 2013 at 10:18 AM Rating: Decent
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If you go with the TSX wagon, get it in black

We've actually considered that very car. It's overpriced in the US, though. If we lived in Europe, we'd likely own an Accord wagon.
____________________________
Disclaimer:

To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a whore. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? Gay. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

#20 Jan 18 2013 at 10:30 AM Rating: Excellent
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Dear Elinda,

Recently I became engaged and we're now planning the wedding (hopefully for June). My usually drama-free fiancé — who has said in the past she didn't fantasize about a huge wedding and a perfect day — is now determined to have the "perfect" wedding. My questions are two-fold: what is it about weddings that make even usually sane women completely insane? Why does my argument that we should try to be more frugal on the wedding but go to a memorable location on the honeymoon fall on deaf ears?

Smash, just get the Subaru. Best AWD of any of them, reliable, and they've fixed the inexplicable wheel vibration that plagued the 2011's.
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#21 Jan 18 2013 at 10:32 AM Rating: Excellent
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Elinda wrote:
If you go with the TSX wagon, get it in black. You can pretend to be secret service (or maybe you don't have to pretend).

Better yet, buy a hearse. Plenty of storage room in the back.
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#22 Jan 18 2013 at 10:39 AM Rating: Excellent
Nexa
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Dear Elinda,

Now that my husband stays at home all day long with an infant, he refuses to get a hair cut and looks more like a mushroom every day. How can I explain to him gently that regardless of his disdain for the smelliness and "product content" of hair salons, I don't feel like cutting his hair and also have never been attracted to a member of the Beetles?

Thank you,

Nexa
____________________________
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#23 Jan 18 2013 at 10:42 AM Rating: Excellent
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Grady wrote:
Dear Elinda,

Recently I became engaged and we're now planning the wedding (hopefully for June). My usually drama-free fiancé — who has said in the past she didn't fantasize about a huge wedding and a perfect day — is now determined to have the "perfect" wedding. My questions are two-fold: what is it about weddings that make even usually sane women completely insane? Why does my argument that we should try to be more frugal on the wedding but go to a memorable location on the honeymoon fall on deaf ears?


Congratulations duck; good to hear you're doing well Smiley: smile

Nexa
____________________________
“It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But a half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
#24 Jan 18 2013 at 10:46 AM Rating: Good
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Smasharoo wrote:
I thought you hippie liberal elites automatically bought Volvos. Or had one assigned to you.

This, in fact, used to be true, but you were given a choice between the Volvo or the Saab. Then a few things happened. GM bought Saab and destroyed the brand, and Volvo did produce placement in Twilight and inexplicably stopped making Wagons.

So now it's the choice of an Outback, a TSX Wagon, or various douchebag SUVs. The 5 series wagon used to be acceptable, but now it reeks too much of conspicuous consumption. The Jetta TDI wagon is sometimes thought acceptable, but it's really too small for us.
You could always go with one of those XC models Volvo makes.
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YOU'RE AN ELITIST @#%^ AETHIEN, NO WONDER YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS AND PEOPLE HATE YOU.
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Aethien you take more terrible pictures than a Japanese tourist.
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#25 Jan 18 2013 at 10:50 AM Rating: Good
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Dear Elinda,

My wife wants me to get a hair cut. Chicks dig the "basic training" look, don't they?
____________________________
Disclaimer:

To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a whore. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? Gay. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

#26 Jan 18 2013 at 10:51 AM Rating: Excellent
Nexa
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Smasharoo wrote:
Dear Elinda,

My wife wants me to get a hair cut. Chicks dig the "basic training" look, don't they?


No one thinks you're funny. If you shave your head, I'm getting a pixie cut.

Nexa
____________________________
“It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But a half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
#27 Jan 18 2013 at 10:54 AM Rating: Decent
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No one thinks you're funny. If you shave your head, I'm getting a pixie cut.

Then I'll surgically implant handles while you're asleep. Don't threatscelate with me, woman!
____________________________
Disclaimer:

To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a whore. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? Gay. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

#28 Jan 18 2013 at 11:08 AM Rating: Excellent
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TILT
This is going to turn into the lamest adaptation of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? ever.
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#29 Jan 18 2013 at 11:18 AM Rating: Decent
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Smasharoo wrote:
Volvo did produce placement in Twilight and inexplicably stopped making Wagons


Ironic, considering they could use those wagons to transport their melons to market.
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#30 Jan 18 2013 at 11:25 AM Rating: Decent
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This is going to turn into the lamest adaptation of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? ever.

Going to?

For some reason I always confuse that movie with Rosmary's Baby. No idea why.
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Disclaimer:

To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a whore. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? Gay. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

#31 Jan 18 2013 at 11:58 AM Rating: Excellent
Skelly Poker Since 2008
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Grady wrote:
Dear Elinda,

what is it about weddings that make even usually sane women completely insane?
A wedding is comprised of three distinct periods.

The first period, Prewedding is the time period between the day of engagement and the start of the wedding festivities. It's characterized by mood swings, excessive shopping and weight gain. This is the most difficult time for the new-to-be wife. She feels challenged while also feeling unworthy. She strives for perfection but always finds it just out of reach. Illicit drugs are used with great success - in fact, you might want to experiment with shrooms.

The second stage is dramatically marked by a complete change in personality. When the planning is over and just as the festivities are going to begin the prebride is suddenly racked with indecision. She starts to question her colors, the guest list, the menu, even her choice of husband. This is a short stage, but critical stage. I recommend continuing the regiment of brightly colored pills and funny shaped fungi, but add to it a shot of Bacardi 151. It's critical that she be completely unaware of all that is or isn't happening.

The third stage begins after the wedding festivities actually begin. This stage is marked by a content sloppy drunk drugged women. She no longer cares a lick about the sitting arrangement of even the toilet paper trailing off your shoe. I'd take full advantage of this stage. Get as many blowjobs from her as you can in this short time period, cuz you know what will happend after the wedding is over......

Quote:
Why does my argument that we should try to be more frugal on the wedding but go to a memorable location on the honeymoon fall on deaf ears?
That doesn't make any sense. it's like asking the nation to decide between feeding the children or watching the Ellen show. In other words that two are not mutually exclusive. Pony up mister.

In other wedding news, twenty eight years ago tomorrow I ran off with this poor **** and suckered him into marrying me. We eloped. I'd recommend it.


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#32 Jan 18 2013 at 12:03 PM Rating: Good
Skelly Poker Since 2008
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Nexa wrote:
Dear Elinda,

Now that my husband stays at home all day long with an infant, he refuses to get a hair cut and looks more like a mushroom every day. How can I explain to him gently that regardless of his disdain for the smelliness and "product content" of hair salons, I don't feel like cutting his hair and also have never been attracted to a member of the Beetles?

Thank you,

Nexa
The obvious answer is hold out on him until he does whatever it is you wish him to do.

But this sounds biological. Have your husbands boobs grown larger recently or has he exhibited any nesting traits?

Could be he's gestating?
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Alma wrote:
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#33 Jan 18 2013 at 12:27 PM Rating: Good
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Smasharoo wrote:
Dear Elinda,

My wife wants me to get a hair cut. Chicks dig the "basic training" look, don't they?
Do you have a tattoo?
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Alma wrote:
Post and be happy!
#34 Jan 18 2013 at 1:21 PM Rating: Excellent
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Dear Elinda,

I'm continually attempting to import various components for my world takover death ray, however in recent years increasingly meddlesome customs agents and a soft world economy has made paying bribes to import the radioactive pieces particularily expensive. it's starting to affect the bottom line, which can of course be seen as a sign of weakness by assorted henchmen (especially after that whole robotic bagel toaster debacle decimated their ranks a few weeks ago) Anyways, what can I do to help encourage loyalty amongst the minions and or smooth the import process for nonlinear fusion modulation vapoor tubes in the 20 ThZ spectrum?

Edited, Jan 18th 2013 11:21am by Kaolian
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#35 Jan 18 2013 at 1:28 PM Rating: Excellent
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Dear Elinda,

I've had an infatuation with a co-worker for about 2 years now. She's quite attractive, young, well-educated, and has a pooper you could bounce a quarter off of. While she's always been polite and friendly to me, I'm not sure she's noticed me as a potential match. In fact, I'm pretty sure she's not sold on it, as I've had frequent meetings with HR for "creating a hostile work environment". I've tried sending love poems via email, sent her funny jokes via IM during the day to cheer her up, and left treats for her at her desk when she's not around.

For the love poems, I've been told that "There once was a girl from Leeland..." is not the appropriate way to begin. I've also been accused that the funny jokes are "sexually explicit in nature and not appropriate for the workplace". And finally, the treats I've left seem not to have gone over well, as apparently flavored condoms and edible underwear are also frowned upon.

So my question to you is this: What's the best way to install a secure webcam in the women's lockeroom?
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#36 Jan 18 2013 at 1:30 PM Rating: Decent
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Do you have a tattoo?

Obviously.
____________________________
Disclaimer:

To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a whore. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? Gay. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

#37 Jan 18 2013 at 2:14 PM Rating: Excellent
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catwho wrote:
How can I convince him we need to upgrade to a king size bed?
Take a sick day, buy a king size bed, have it delivered and the old bed taken away, apologize after the fact.
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#38 Jan 18 2013 at 2:15 PM Rating: Excellent
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Dear Elinda,

BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK. BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK. BORK BORK BORK BORK! BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK. BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK?
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#39 Jan 18 2013 at 3:56 PM Rating: Good
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Dread Lörd Kaolian wrote:
Dear Elinda,

I'm continually attempting to import various components for my world takover death ray, however in recent years increasingly meddlesome customs agents and a soft world economy has made paying bribes to import the radioactive pieces particularily expensive. it's starting to affect the bottom line, which can of course be seen as a sign of weakness by assorted henchmen (especially after that whole robotic bagel toaster debacle decimated their ranks a few weeks ago) Anyways, what can I do to help encourage loyalty amongst the minions and or smooth the import process for nonlinear fusion modulation vapoor tubes in the 20 ThZ spectrum?

Edited, Jan 18th 2013 11:21am by Kaolian


I know some Chinese importers who could solve all of those issues.

Pm me.
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#40 Jan 19 2013 at 3:17 AM Rating: Good
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He really does.

Dear Elinda, how can I get Mindel to notice me again?
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#41 Jan 19 2013 at 10:08 AM Rating: Good
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Aripyanfar wrote:
He really does.

Dear Elinda, how can I get Mindel to notice me again?

Send her pictures of your vajay.
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#42 Jan 20 2013 at 12:24 AM Rating: Good
Nexa wrote:

No one thinks you're funny. If you shave your head, I'm getting a pixie cut.

Nexa


That sounds familiar... my ex and I used to argue about this regularly. The poor guy was almost completely bald at the age of 21 and wanted to shave his head to try to hide it. I like playing with hair, so that was a no go for me. Funnily enough, as soon as we broke up, he shaved his head and six months later I got the pixie cut.
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