Funny stuffFollow

Not trying to step on anyone's toes here...but thought this stuff was funny as hell


Redneck Logic

Two rednecks met in a bar and agreed that they weren't going anywhere in life, so they decided to go to college in order to get ahead. So they hop in a pickup truck and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes into one of the rooms and finds a professor, who advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked the first redneck.

The professor replied, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do," grinned the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "Amazin'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae... this is incredible!" (The redneck is catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."

The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" the friend asked.

"Math, history and logic," replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his new friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?"

"No," his friend replied.

"You're gay, aren't ya?"
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The Thermodynamics of Hell


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington, chemistry mid term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing over time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are enteri! ng Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if, Hell! is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
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The Texan

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his
cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round
of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife
has just produced a baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks.
Like I said, "My boy's a typical Texas baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually faints
due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say,
you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at
birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be
in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So... How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "17 pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and
concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and
proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"
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The bakery....

Bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread -- on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below.

She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"

"No", croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'.
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Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communication.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on days off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't realize it.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes conversations easier.
13. It promotes honesty.
14. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
15. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
16. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
17. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
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