Jokes of the Day 3-19-04Follow

Around the World
“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman brags, “and this morning she couldn’t stop telling me how much she adored me.”

“Last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian replies,” and today she said she could never love another man.”

The American remains silent, and the Frenchman smugly asks, “How many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once,” says the American.

“Only once?” the Italian snorts arrogantly. “And what did she say to you this morning?”

“‘Don’t stop.’”

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Know-It-All
One morning an exchange student from Japan joins a high school.

After introducing Suzuki to the class, the teacher says, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me liberty, or give me death’?” Only Suzuki raises his hand.

“Yes, Suzuki?” asks the teacher.

“Patrick Henry, 1775,” he answers.

“Class, you should be ashamed,” snaps the teacher. “Suzuki is new to our country and knows more about it than you do.”

“***** the ****,” whispers a student.

“Who said that?” snaps the teacher.

Suzuki raises his hand, eyes the room, and says, “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”

A student in the back quips, “I think I’m gonna puke.”

“Who said that?” yells the teacher.

“George Bush, 1991,” Suzuki yelps.

“Oh, yeah? Suck this!” shouts a frustrated student.

Suzuki stands up and declares, “Bill Clinton, 1997!”

Another student screams, “You little ****. If you say one more word, I swear I’ll kill you!”

Suzuki jumps on the chair and yells, “Gary Condit, 2001!”

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Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

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Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean Guinness beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into rich, black porter. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness, as the two men considered their predicament. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick, whose wish had obviously been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he blurted, “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to **** in the boat!”