One evening John O’Reilly and his toastmasters club were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could come up with the best toast. John O’Reilly hoisted his beer high and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” With that, he was instantly awarded the prize of Toast of the Night.
Later that evening, he went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
“Aye,” she said, “and what was your toast?”
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!” he replied.
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “Did you know John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?”
“Aye,” she said. “I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”
A guy tries to impress his date with his knowledge of wine. He tells the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros district. After tasting it, the young man berates the steward. "This is a 1992 vintage from the Diamond Creek vineyard in the Mayacamas range. Please bring me what I ordered."
Watching from the bar, an old drunk comes up to the table with a glass in his hand and says, "Can you tell me what this is?"
Winking at his date, the young man sips from the drunk’s glass.
"Christ, this tastes like piss!" he exclaims, spitting it out.
"Yeah," says the drunk, "but what year?"