I am completely spent and am taking some time off FFXI. To those that I offered help to in the near future, I am sorry but I am totally burned out.
Now the long rant. Skip this if you arnt interested ^^
I have been playing since the week the game launched in 03 and it took me about 18-20 months to get my beloved monk up to 75. I am a casual player, but I always strive for the best. Monk was my only job over 40 to this day.
My career can be brutal and unfriendly for FFXI. Weeks at a time out of town in other cities doing contract work, and earlier this year I was pretty much a zombie for 2 months while I had to deal with a massive lawsuit. (This lead to underlying problems I'll mention in a bit)
The last few months have had good weeks and bad weeks... Work calmed down, and I was home weeknights again. Could do paperwork while lfg ^^ There was a ton of stuff needing to be done at 70+ so it was kind of overwhelming at first, if I wanted to be proud of my monk I wanted the best.
Sadly the previous months stress from my real life caught up with me.. rampant insomnia, weight loss... slept for 4 days straight one week when I finally passed out... that kind of thing. Every day went by I almost gave up on my real life job, and in game I was way too moody. Lost some friends, grew distant to others. Lost all ambition in real life and in game. Clinical depression had set in rather severely.
In this past 6 weeks things had been turning around though. Nicely medicated now, and I had goals again ^^. Mostly RL stuff to improve my life. The only in game goal I had set was the blackbelt (surprise surprise, being a dedicated mnk and all).
I had the adamantoise egg for months, behemoth was my first huge ordeal. This was my first taste of the "end game" HNM mentality that I hadn't really dealt with much till now.
CatoLS owned behemoth and I went through the wringer trying to buy it off them. Each member I asked had a different story when i asked to buy it. "get it yourself", "Is your LS gimpy", or "I dont know. Cato is JP and we don't know because cato is weird" were my responses... Eventually found someone in their LS that confirmed it would be sold.
Cato had promised it to a 75 Blm JP, sadly, so I was out of luck and rather pissed. Luckily I heard Dynasty was doing KS99 and on their 4th or 5th run a behemoth tongue dropped... 1 mil gil happily spent. I didn't have to deal with Cato again ^^
This month was FF. Server resets kept bumping it to 4Am or 2Pm... Career plus FFXI = bad. Weekends were my only hope, and I happened to be home only a few days this month for the FF window. (I was out working on my RL goals or out of town).
I had made several efforts in the past for FF, but there was always a backlog of LS members needing the item, so there was no point in going. Last Sunday I got confirmation from an NA LS that owned FF that it would be for sale. I came for the fight but no drop.
This weekend a server reset was announced. It was my last chance before FF got bumped deep into JP time again. I turned down a trip to the lake to make sure I was online for FF/NH.
I asked the same LS again and was told if their LS member who was interested didn't show up I could buy it. The member wasn't online so I rushed over very excited.
When I got there, apparently a JP player was there first. I never knew it was a race so I was told he was first in line for the drop. But I was told if I outbid the JPs 1.5 mil offer I could still bump him. I cant afford 2 mil for a rare/ex quest item so I gave up.
A member in the shell told me that NA usually had priority if we were there first, and that they usually charge JP more for items "because JP are rich". So I made sure to log in the FF zone to be sure i was the first one there today (Sunday, before the update ^^)
I log in this morning and hang around till noon.. I send a tell to the sackholder letting him know I am there, ready, and interested. It turns out the JP from the day before still had priority... So it wasn't first come first serve, or a race.... It was "who will pay the most gets it". The story changed on me three times before that point was really made though.
"But if the JP or our member don't show up, its yours"... So I waited and waited.. their member wasn't on, and no JP showed up with the name he gave. Things were looking good again ^^
Turned out he gave me the wrong name of the JP... It was a JP rng who showed up a while later, and they welcomed him. This rng didn't have a mnk high enough to use the belt, didn't have all the other items.. he was here for a trophy. But its true.. JP are very rich. He spoke English fairly well but he wouldn't change his mind, and neither would the LS.
At this point I just lost it. I had set an unrealistic goal for myself. I wasn't a member of the most powerful LS on our server, nor did I have the millions of gil a 3 year JP veteran has. They kill FF day in day out, its just a chore for them and they take it for granted. But for me it was the first time I had been motivated in game in ages, and it really meant a lot to me so this really hurt.
So it may seem silly that this put me over the edge... it just proved me me that putting in 100% of my free time on it still wouldn't get me anywhere. I had set one goal, and now it is out of reach again. Tonight the sever resets it to 4am and I'm another month behind.
When its finally back in my time slot there will be a new JP looking for the item with very deep pockets, or maybe another ls member has a 41 mnk that wants "to get the blackbelt out of the way".
I know its just an item, and far from necessary. But for me it had a lot of significance... it was the first and only goal I set after getting my life back on track. And all it did was convince me that I just cant compete at this level of the game. I gave 100% and got a "better luck next time". It cemented the notion that whoever has the most gil and the most high level friends win, and I hate myself for thinking this way.
But what really set me off was that I foolishly gave up two afternoons in one of the last summer weekends to sit and wait for "the right to buy a quest item" and watch another LS farm. I turned down some RL stuff this weekend as well a a family gathering, and for that I am very ashamed of myself.
So to summarize, a hectic career, anti-depressants, unrealistic expectations, and FFXI do not mix. I am not quitting yet but I need to take time off to find out what I want out of this game from now on. Trying to make the most out of my monk just isn't rewarding (or possible) anymore. When I come back I will hopefully find something more enjoyable to do in game.
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Edited, Sun Aug 28 17:30:17 2005 by Thornn
Edited, Sun Aug 28 17:31:02 2005 by Thornn
Edited, Sun Aug 28 17:32:39 2005 by Thornn