George Carlin wrote:
It was nearly eleven-thirty, and I had just put the cat out. But it hadn't been easy. He'd burned more fiercely than I had anticipated.
The poor thing had caught fire earlier in the evening when, in an effort to test his reflexes, I had thrown his favorite toy mouse into the fireplace, and instinctively he raced after it.
"WHOOOOOOOOM!" you might say.
At first, I let him burn awhile just to teach him a lesson, and to peel off a couple of layers of the mud, mange and matted hair which seemed lately, sadly, to have robbed him of a step or two. But I must admit I was also quite fascinated by the many spectacular colors he began to glow with. Colors, no doubt, owed in part to the countless hours he spent killing time in the toxic dump next door. It was quite a show. In fact, I saw several pyrotechnic effects I dare say have not been witnessed since the Grucci home exploded during the Bicentennial.
Then, as the feline conflagration began to burn itself out and I could see the clear, stark outline of his hairless body, he began to emit a dense cloud of smoke, along with some other gaseous substance which I can only describe as "cat steam." Acting quickly, I covered him in several cheap sweaters that no longer fit and pounded him gently, although not without anger, for just over an hour, or until the smoke died down and he stopped his by then bothersome screeching.
At that point, energized, apparently, by a sudden burst of pain and fear, he leapt several feet into the air, went stiff and spread-eagled and began to spin violently, giving off an ominous low-frequency hum and circling the ceiling fan in an elliptical orbit. He circled for the better part of an hour. Finally, exhausted, or, I thought, maybe dead, he went suddenly limp, his orbit decayed and he smashed into an eighteenth-century breakfront, landing heavily on the floor. For three days he lay motionless. When he finally awoke, I opened a can of Bits O' Kidney and fed him by hand.
I can tell you this: although he looked quite unusual, and he smelled god-awful, I was glad I could be there for him when he needed me.
quick! 
