"An Alternative History Of WOW"Follow

Chapter 10,
Or "How to make a Staircase to Heaven"


"Special Executive Notice No. 14,

By royal decree of our most magnificient, wise, clever, good at soccer, popular with girls, and generally all-round-super King Arthas, the architectural Project henceforth known as "The Tower Of Illidan" has been approved by the Royal Ministry for Public Works. The respected architect, Mr Illidan, will begin works on the construction site today. This project has been approved for numerous, yet secretive, reasons, which may or may not include the following: Beautiful design, God-worshipping, Public Interest, Self-Importance, Relative Uselessness, Waste of Public Money, Absence of King Arthas due to negotiations with God. The Tower will be a spiralling staircase to heaven.

The Tower of Illidan will be completed in due time, in accordance with the "Guidelines on New, Expensive and Useless Projects", aka "Millenium Dome Projects".

In other news, a new Minister for Godly Relations will be appointed in due time, due course, and due process, in accoradnce with the "Guidelines for Appointing a New Minister."

Cheers,
Minister for Royal and yet Special Executive Notices"


.....................................


Arthas sat down on his cloudy seat. He looked around the place, looked at God, and smiled.

- "Funny smell..." said Arthas. "I might just report you to the Royal Police, you know..."
- ********** off", replied God.
- "I will in a minute. Before that, I want you to do me a small favour."
- "I can't do it."
- "Of course you can. You are God. The one and only. And I'm not asking for much you know, just for you to bring back to life a few dead people, thats all..."
- "I already said I can't do it. And even if I could, I wouldn't do it ."

Arthas got up. Looked down to Stromwind, and smiled.

- "Ok then, lets cut the ********* I'm not asking for a favour, I'm telling you. Bring them back to life. All the men and women that we lost. And do it quick. If you don't, there will be no more Stormwind. No more humans. All your friends will be gone, and you will be alone. The city is packed with explosives. My men have orders that if I dont come back, they must detonate the place. Everyone inside Stormwind will die. Understood?"
- "And what makes you think I give a ****", replied God furiously. "I was doing just fine before you idiots came and screwed up everything. I was alone, doing my ****, I didnt ask for any of this."
- "Ah yes, but thats where you and me are different. See, despite your general stupidity, your overwhelming incompetence, and your addiction to toxic substances, you care. You care about these people, and you care about this city. And you care about the little fellow. Whereas me... I dont. You see, you are weak because you have feelings. Emotions. Attachments. I don't. I just don't give a ****. I am strong, because I left my humanity behind me a long time ago. When I was forced to come to this rotten land, I left everything behind me. Not that I had much, mind you, but still... Here, I have nothing. No family, no friends, no goals, nothing. In many ways, I died a long time ago. You understand that? I have nothing to lose. You on other hand... You have everything to lose. Deep down, you like those stupid humans. You care for the little fellow. You love Stromwind. You are therefor weak, easily manipulated, and emotional. Not me. Hehe, I only want power, and have absolutely nothing to lose... I just don't give a ****."

God got up furiously. He felt like grabbing Arthas and killing him right here, right now. Or maybe torture him a bit before, poke his eyeballs out with a rusty screwdriver, make him eat his own testicules, make him suffer a slow and painful death before dancing on his grave singing "hallelujah". And yet... And yet, and yet somewhere, he was right... There was no denying it, he cared. "Damn those stupid feelings" God thought to himself...

- "You know", said the Great God of the WOW "you are not that strong after all. Let's say I refuse. You blow everything up, and then what? You stay alone on this WOW? Its just a matter of time before the Taurens and the Orcs find you and kill you. And then what?"
- "I'll die anyway mate. Whether it's now, in 10 days, or in 50 years, I don't really mind. Time is inconsequential when you don't have feelings."

God walked to his super-plants, and rolled himself a joint. He lit it, took a drag, and sat back, trying to blow little smoke rings. not easy with all this heavenly wind. When the going gets tough...

- "Ok" he finally said. "Let's make a deal. I raise the dead. All of them. But in exchange, you build a new home for the gnomes and their cross-breed offspring. And you leave them alone. Deal?"
- "But I wanted to kill them", whined Arthas. "Give me one good reason why I should accept that deal."
- "Ok, how about this: If you don't agree, everything blows up, and no one will EVER remeber you. You will be forgotten for ever. But if you agree, you will enter the WOW folklore as the greatest warrior that ever existed. There will be statues of you all over Stormwind. Little kids will grow up and say "I want to be like the Great King Arthas when I grow up." You will be like the Justin Timberlake of WOW. Only cooler. And even more famous. And all this for eternity..."

Arthas thought about this. He'd always liked the thought of immortality. Of fame. He could get used to becoming a legend.

- "Deal!" said Arhtas. "I will build them a home, and you will raise the dead. Stormwind will be spared. Hehe, nice doing business with you, God!"
- "Now **** off, you ****"
- "It was a pleasure for me too", smiled Arthas.

And God clicked his fingers, and Arthas was sent back to Stormwind.

- "Can you really raise the dead?"
- "Well, kinda. I can bring them back to life, but... i can't make them human again. They will be alive, but in their current form. And they certainly won't obey Arthas. Not unless I tell them to anyway. He will only have an army of zombies withtout brains or feelings. They will be completely useless to him. Or to anyone else, for that matter."
- "But... what will happen when he finds out?" asked Kali.
- "I'm hoping the taurens and the orcs will have taken him out by then. Strange things are going on down in the Barrens. And anyway, Arthas is not all that. He's strong but the power is getting to him. Its like a drug. Soon, he will be too attached to it to risk losing everything. You'll see. He talks big, but I'd bet my bottom dollar that he's got a small ****. And that's why he's so power-hungry."
- "Hehe. Wanna sing a song?"
- "Thanks Kali, but I'm not in the mood. Something's bothering me, but I don't know what."
- "Come on big guy... I got my first real six-string..."
- "Bought it at the five-and-dime!!!"
- "Played it till my fingers bled..."
- "It was the summer of ’69!!!" they both screamed together.

- "Hehe, I dont even like Bryan Adams", said God.
- "Yes you do, you're just ashamed to admit it" replied Kali with a smile.


.........................................


Mr Shaman was getttng stronger by the day. The lands of the Barrens had taught him many lessons. But there were many unresolved issues. Why were Kodos nice and thunder lizards aggressive? Why were some plainstriders peaceful and others not? Why were the Orcs slowly turning greens whilst the Taurens remained the same colour?

- "It's something to do with your mental state, it has to be" he kept telling himself.

He knew the wind, the earth, the fire and the water could be used to his advantage. He knew they were just as alive as the Kodos and the hyenas. And while Fire was not a complicated element, the others were still beyond his grasp. It was just a matter of time.

Sometimes he thought about Stormwind, the humans, and his old life. But he didn't miss it. Everytime he looked into the mirror, he found that he ressembled the orcs a little bit more. He loved their appreciation of nature, their peacefulness, their simplicity. They were crude, sure, but they were pure. The humans had been corrupted a long, long time ago.

The plants and the animals had all been infected by the evil plague. But they could be used to good effect too. It was just a question of alchemy, and he would understand it all, one day. Anyway, he had no intention of leaving either Orgrimmar or the Barrens. It's where his heart belonged. And he knew the day would come when he would have to fight his own people. When he would have to murder and kill and maim. And, deep down inside his soul, he couldn't wait for that day to come.




Edited, Thu Jun 23 11:00:22 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx

Your not falling off the first page that easy....

Now get back up there.

Awesome work so far Red... looking forward to the rest.

/bump ._. I want to see the rest..

keep em coming...or else...*sharpens a ridicously huge axe*

I was going to add this to the guides section for a good read, then it got a little un kiddie healthy ;) But I still enjoyed it!

So, can't post it at work... but what about writting it on notepad or something then sending it to yourself at home via email?

Chapter 12,
"Or How to spell R-o-u-g-e"




- Do you want a drink?
- No I'm teetotal, but thanks. So what have you found out?
- Many things. You know Hoofmint, the daughter of Bloodhorn? Well, she tells me that her second cousin, from the first marriage of her dad Leaftail, was having an affair with the mum of Cairne! Can you believe it?! But the worst is that it's her brother, Pigears, who...
- I don't mean gossip, Shaman! I mean your work!
- Ah, sorry Thrall. I've found out even more, then. At the moment, I'm tracking down what I call "elementals". These are the basic components of the forces of the universe. It is from them that we can gather the understanding of the energies. But each elemental is different, and difficult to track down. And tracking them down is only half the story! Then you have to kill them, and pray to that son-of-a-***** God that they drop some elemental, erm, element. But it's very rare.
- **** drop rates?
- Tell me about it!! Must be bugged or something... Anyway, I've
mastered fire and earth. It wasn't easy. I'm working on water at the moment, but it's a tough one too. But I think even you would be impressed with what I can do.
- Like what?
- Like I can take a bit of wood, and use the fire element on it, and bang! It throws fireballs!
- Really?
- Well, at the moment it's more like fireworks. It doesn't hurt that much. But I'm getting there. I've also been working on the plants, and I can make pretty amazing potions. There is only one thing that bothers me.
- What?
- It's the humans. I can feel disturbances coming from the other
continent, like their powers are slowly growing again. So... I think I need to investigate.
- Would you accept to [10] Infiltrate Stormwind?
- I have to. I'm looking more and more like an orc everyday. I can tell them you tortured me, but if I wait any longer, they won't even recognise me. So... I've got to go now.
- There is one last thing I need to ask before you go.
- Shoot.
- Is it true Hoofmint takes it up the...
- From what I heard, she isn't scared of anything. And I mean
"anything"...
- Sweet, said Thrall with a smile.



........................................................................




- It is "Rouge" you idiots!! R-O-U-G-E, like the lipstick, like the ******* colour of your shirt if you keep on mispronouncing it, you n00bs!!
- Sorry Mrs. We'll get it right eventually.
- Now, class, who can tell me the first quality needed to be a good rouge?
A little garden gnome put his hand up.
- Anyone else?

But the deafening silence was the only answer to her question.
She sighed, and nodded towards him.

- You need cowardice, said the little shrieking voice.
- Cowardice?
- Yeah, cowardice. See, from what I understand, the whole razmataz of being a rouge is not be seen, or heard, or felt. So every time you sense danger, you've got to hide, or go stealth, until it's safe to attack the ****** from behind and maim him. So cowardice, or fear, or general back-stabbing-ness is really what is most needed. Let's face it, if we were brave, we would be plain warriors. The whole thing about hiding in the shadows is precisely because we cannot face our enemies from the front... So yes, to be a good rogue, you need cowardice.

Lady Rouge pondered this thought for a moment, and could hardly believe her most promising student was a puny little stinking garden gnome.

- You'll go a long way my boy, she finally said.
Illidan put his hands up. The whole class stared at him, as though they had never noticed he was here before.
- Yes, Illidan?
- My gnomish friend is right in many ways, said Illidan rising to his feet. But, he is just as right as he is wrong, and just as small as he is tiny, if you know what I mean. I might not be the greatest oratorythingy guy in the world, I might not know all the "technical" terms, like "fear" or "cowardice", or "lipstick", but I know this. People have accused me of many thing lately, zoophilia, interracial sex, stealing weed, building useless staircases, becoming green, and they may be right, indeed, they may be right, but what they don't know, is the why, of the how, and the where, is the answer?

Iliidan stopped, as though waiting for an answer. Everyone was staring at him blankly.

- Illidan, does this have anything to do with being a rouge?
- Does anything have to do with it, or not, replied Illidan with a smile. But this is not the point. The point is that the riddle is as follows what I say, or what I mean to say. We have thrown the seeds of the weed in the north of the Sea of the other continent, and the seeds have grown into a giant tree, which brings forever, the, erm, power, of the plant, to our beloved selves, if we only knew the power, and accept for what it is, and not what it might be, or the other way round. And I hereby invite all those that understand the devilish riddle herewith, foresaid, and withstanding, to follow me and my puny gnome mate to the great tree, where forever we shall smoke the branches of the Godly weed, and inhale the fumes of the burning leaves, and, well, basically, get well stoned, in a riddly manner.
- So what you're saying, said Rouge, is that you stole some weed, threw it in the sea, and are now planning to inhabit that plant?
- In a nutshell, said Illidan. Who's with me, may they come
herewithforeswithnotstanding!
And Illidan clapped his hands, and let out a huge explosion of fire and smoke, started coughing, kneeled down, took a deep breath, and ran away with the gnome.
- What a freaking idiot, said Rouge slightly dejected.




........................................................................



The Great God of the WOW could only shake his head. It was like watching an army of playdough men. At the slightest contact, their arm would fall off. Whenever they tried to speak their jaw would drop to the ground. If they tried to run, one leg would be left behind. And this undead army, if you can call it that, were left standing there, limb-less, like wing-less flies in the hands of a cruel kid.

- It's just pointless, said the Great God of the WOW.
- It's not, said Kali. You just need to glue them together. Or maybe some sticky tape could do the trick.
- If only I could roll a joint...
- Yeah, well, you can't. So just finish this work, get those skeletons organised and fit, and then you'll worry about getting the weed back.

The Great God of the WOW had trouble sleeping lately. He found his dreams were more vivid, often featuring Arthas or his sister Onyxia. He was eating less, and felt trapped inside his head. At least the dragon was still there.
-Yeah, he is, and he's telling you to do some work. Have you forgotten what Arthas did? Are you gonna let him get away with it?

The Great God of the WOW felt anger boiling inside him, he started sweating, his eyes narrowed, and he finally stood up. He conjured all the energy he could find, and went to work on the undeads. He made some heavenly glue 3, and stuck their limbs together. He awoke Sylvanas, and gave him all the powers he could allow himself. He made a vow that for each human that died, an undead would be reborn. He gave them weapons, armour, shields, and half a brain. He made them immune to fear, and allowed them to mumble a few words. Finally, he took Sylvanas aside.

- My boy, the Great God of the WOW said, it is all up to you now. Your hour has come. Revenge is a dish best served cold, or so they say. And what is colder than death?
- Blood...
- Yeah, blood, I guess. Especially yours, hehe.
But Sylvanas didn't laugh.
- Anyway, said the Great God of the WOW, it's up to you now... You choose your soldiers, you choose your weapons, you organise it all. And you take your revenge. Now, I know this will take time, so... I've built you another city. Somewhere you can relax, while you make your plans. Somewhere safe, underground, unseen. I named it the "Underground City"!
Catchy, isn't it? Anything else you need?
- Blood...
- Blood? What for?
- Blood...
- You're just gonna say "Blood" whatever I say, aren't you?
- Blood...
- I see, said the Great God of the WOW.

And he felt engulfed in a huge tide of sadness, as he realised the little fellow he had lost would never come back. All these plans, all this work, for what? To kill some more people? To cause more death, more destruction, more mindless violence? Is that all there is left in this world? An endless cycle of blood and sweat and tears, and gory death on the end of a polearm...

- Well, otherwise it would be the Sims, wouldn't it?
The Great God of the WOW turned around, and saw his little sister
standing behind him, with a wry smile on her face.



Edited, Tue Sep 27 14:44:15 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx

Edited, Tue Sep 27 19:33:50 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx

Sorry about the blip... I've had loads of work recently, but it's getting quiter now. So i am continuing it... More tomorrow, hopefully. Nice to be back on this site, and to see you guys gain :)

rate up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter 13,
"Or how all you need is love"




The sun was finally setting beyond the horizon of the Barrens landscape. The moon was slowly rising, chasing the sun away in this eternal game of hide-and-seek, and was glowing a blooded red, a symptom of both its fullness, and of the times to come. The night's quietness was only occasionally disturbed by the wandering animals, the screeching weasels, and the delicate footsteps of a near-invisible green biped. A strange smell of sulphur emerged as a match was struck, swiftly followed by a more recognisable godly odour. Smoke emerged from the nostrils of this
creature, who was sitting quietly atop a mountain, with a garden gnome by his side.

- I just love the view from here, said Illidan. The lions are sleeping, the gazelles aren't running scared, the oasis' are all wet... It's just...beautiful!
- Yeah, it is, replied the little shrieking voice. And it's less Disney than our tree, which I like. The funny thing is that I don't miss Stormwind, or the Gnome City, or the tent the Dwarves have put up. As silly as our tree might look, it feels...safe.
- I know what you mean, replied Illidan. And we have more and more people joining us everyday. Soon, we will be a proper kingdom. Well, minus the king. Talking of which, I'm not sure how Arthas will feel about it when he finds out. Maybe we should, like, erect some defences or something. Just in case...
- Man, the whole world is after us. Arthas, God, the Cows, the Orcs... And yet I've never felt safer. Funny how things work out...
- We could do with more women, said Illidan. I've shagged nearly all of them, and I'm still feeling horny.
- Maybe if that damn weed hadn't turned us green, we could entice a few more. I mean, I don't blame them. I don't find invisible green men attractive either.
- Hehe, you're so gay...

And both of them laughed, and passed the joint, and coughed a bit, and laughed again.

- It's getting late, said the gnome. I'm gonna head home.
- Np, said Illidan. I'll hang around for a bit, if you don't mind. There's something in the air tonight, and I feel lucky...

The little gnome got up, and happily ran away towards the northern star, hoping to reach the skunky branches of the Great Plant before dawn. Illidan, on the other hand, could not get intercourse out of his mind. Every time he tried to think, he felt this excruciating pain in his head, and was forced to abandon the attempt. He would drift back to hazy dreams of laying on a bed of roses, surrounded by green females with big eyebrows and pointy ears, dancing provocatively around him, blowbacking
smoke into his mouth, nostrils, and any other orifices he could think of. "This is slightly disturbing," he said to himself, "maybe I should go for a walk." He slid down the mountain, and let his feet take him to pastures new. His aimless wandering was suddenly disturbed by strong vibrations coming from the ground, thumping regular beats throughout his shaken body. "Drum n' bass," Illidan asked himself? But as he turned around, he saw a giant kodo, seemingly lost, and similarly wandering aimlessly. The reflection of the moon was shining upon the leathery skin
of the giant tusked kodo. His big eyes were glimmering with stardust.

Illidan bent down, took a closer look at the animal, and got up again. "It's a 'she'", he whispered to himself. And for a brief moment, it seemed to him like the kodo gave a little smile, looked away bashfully, and wagged her little tail.

- Come here often, asked Illidan.

But she didn't answer.

- I'm feeling lonely, sighed Illidan. I really could do with a cuddle, you know...

Don't blame it on the sunshine. Don't blame it on the moonlight. Don't blame it on the good times. Just blame it on the weed.


........................................................................
...........................



- I thought you were dead...

Mr Shaman did not respond. Staring at the extravagant paintings and decorations of the presidential palace, he couldn't help but feel disgusted at the wealth on display, while the rest of the human, gnome, and dwarfy population were living in squalid conditions, having to do ****** jobs for a living like sewing or cooking.

- So what have been up to all this time? You've changed...
- Well, said Shaman, I've been locked up, tortured, spat on, put on the end of a dog leash, stripped naked and forced on top of a human pyramid, you know, the usual...
- And you escaped, asked Arthas suspiciously. Tell me about it...
- I got tackled with handcuffs, and shackled in restraint, at the bottom of a holy tabernacle. They gave me nothing to eat for two weeks, and sewed my eye lids open so I couldn't sleep. About to die from thirst, that's when Thrall quenched my jaws with a cold glass of vinegar, and broke it on my face. Upon my wounds they seasoned me with salt, and nailed my hands and feet to the form of the cross. "Ahh!!" I cried, as the blood dripped inside of my eyes, refusing to die, visions of hell tormented my face... So I chewed my ******* arm off and made an escape...

And true enough, Shaman had an arm missing.

- Impressive stuff, said Arthas visibly unimpressed. Sounds strangely familiar. So what can you tell me about these monsters then?
- Everything, answered Shaman with a smile. Their leader is called "Thrall". He's dangerous. The Orcs have allied themselves with the Taurens, and they are building all sorts of weapons, and armour, and are even delving into magic. They live in a big city called Orgrimmar. I can give you the coordinates, and the maps. The Taurens are in a strange village called ThunderBluff. Same I got all the details.
- Taurens are cows right? And Orcs?
- Northerners.
- I see, said Arthas.
- I'll give you everything you need to crush them. It won't take long, and your glory will be restored, oh, erm, glorious one!
- You know, said Arthas with a smile, I thought for a moment you might have joined them. You always were a bit of a maverick, weren't you?
- Ha! As if I would ever join those uncivilised, murdering barbarians... All my time there has been spent collecting information and planning my escape. Wiping them off the surface of this planet will now be a walk in the park on a sunny June day.
- Tell me about it...

And Shaman proceeded to explain every minute detail of the way of life of Orcs and Taurens, their locations, weapons, weaknesses, strengths, plans of city, hidden rooms, terrain advantages, basically every single thing he could think of. Arthas, like a kid in a gun shop, was loving every second of it. And the night drew away, as the two humans continued their military discussion.





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...............




Birth is a big deal amongst Kodos. All the animals gather in the Kodo graveyard, south-east of the Barrens, and wag their tails, and make funny Kodo sounds. They also eat loads of leaves, and grass, and branches, and drink contaminated-water aplenty, as if there were no tomorrow, and as if hangovers didn't exist in the Kodo world. This birth, however, was even more special than usual. The female Kodo had only been pregnant for a couple of days, instead of the usual 30. And, even weirder, none of the male Kodos could remember impregnating her.

In such times of feasts and happiness, however, these details did not matter. The Kodo in question was about to give birth, and the excitement amongst other Kodos was reaching boiling point. All the Kodos were screaming "Maouuuu!", which means "Push" in Kodo language, and wagging their tails excitedly.

When she finally pushed hard enough, a complete silence befell on the Kodo community. The first things to come out of this ****** were long green hair. Unusual for a Kodo, to say the least. The tusks that followed were more reassuring, but they were attached to strange facial features. The rest of the body was monkey-like, and certainly bipedal. In the strongest Jamaican accent ever heard this side of Kalimdor, the little baby pointed to his mother, and said softly: "Mama, mon..."






........................................................................
.......................




- And this city is called "Stormwind". And it was you that designed it, back in the days when you were a human. Pretty sweet, isn't it? And this is Northshire Abbey, and this picture right here is the most evil man on this planet, Arthas. Quite ironic that you'll have to lead the armies that will destroy all of this, isn't it?

And Sylvanas, sitting on God's laps, gave a little smile.

- Stradwind...
- Almost, said the Great God of the WOW. You're getting there. Now, this picture right here is Cairne, the biggest Tauren of them all. He looks mean, but he's really quite a nice guy. And next to him is Thrall, leader of the Orcs. I really hope you guys will get along.

The Great God of the WOW turned another page of his photo album.

- And this ***** right here is my sister. If you think Ann Coulter is a *****, you ain't seen nothing yet my boy. She is most evil thing to ever come out of a woman's *****. She is bent on ******** this world up, and stopping her won't be easy....
- Bik...
- *****.
- Bist...
- Almost. Anyway, this is not the time for elocution lessons. The only real lesson you'll learn here is that life sucks. You spend your life trying desperately hard to build something, only for some stupid idiot to ruin it all. It's a bit like building a sand castle on a low-tide. No matter how many times you do it, the sea will always wash it away in the end. And your life, unfortunately, will be like the sand castle. But, in the eternal world of Stephen Tyler, life is a journey, not a destination. And it is this struggle, this never-ending battle, that will make you who you are. The aim is not to win, because winning is only temporary and subjective, the aim to is to fight with all you've
got. No one ever really wins. We all die in the end, and we're all suckers for it. Winning is a precise achievement in a certain time and place. But, as with the castle, that achievement gets washed away by time, and space, and people. No, the real victory only happens inside yourself. It is a victory over your demons, your insecurities, over the injustices you have faced in your life. It is, in other words, a fight against your human condition. Or, in your case over your undead condition.

- Bictory.
- That's' right, victory. So remember this: when you are standing over Arthas' body, as he's lying on the ground about to die, mercy is the only real victory. Showing mercy will show that you have understood that the only fight is within yourself, not others. You will have beaten your hatred, your desire for revenge, your basic and lowly instincts of animal survival and human destruction. You will have shown that you are the master, not your emotions, not your feelings, not the ******** that
people inject in your brain.

Sylvanas looked up into the eyes of the Great God. And God felt, for the first time in his life, that he had something to live for. Something that depended on him, and trusted him like a father. And at that moment, Sylvanas could've sworn he saw a little tear running down the Great God of the Wow's cheek.

Edited, Thu Sep 29 13:13:37 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx