Disclaimer: This a long and stupid piece of fiction. Do NOT read if you have anything semi-important to do. This is abslutely not related to the real history of WOW, or to any other any history. It is utter mindless drivel, and should be taken as such.
Chapter 1,
or "How God made the WOW desipte his best efforts not to."
Once upon a time, after the wind, after the snow, the great God of the WOW was sitting high up on his cloud. The great God of the WOW, as he liked to call himself, was lazy. Very lazy. So ******* lazy that if his cloud was on fire, he'd see it as a good opportunity to light his joint. As you might have guessed it by now, the great God of the WOW was a pot-head. But he wasn't just an ordinary eat-pizza-while-watching-re-runs-of-the-simpsons-pot-head. Oh no, the great God of the WOW made Bob Marley look like a passive smoker. The great God of the WOW would wake up in the morning, roll his first mega-joint of pure, chemically-enhanced supra-weed, and sing out loud "I smoke two-joints in the morning, I na na na na na..." He would not sing the rest of the song, however, since he couldnt remember the lyrics, and was already feeling a bit peckish.
It was during one of those mornings, whilst opening his fridge to find some munchies, that the great God of the WOW got a call on his mobile. "Yipee", he thought, "the ice-scream van!". He looked down from his cloud, but couldnt see a van. After a solid 10 minutes staring at the shape of the cloud and wandering whether it looked more like a camel or crushed packet of cigarette, he got distracted by this non-stop ringing and vibrating. "Hold on", he said to himself, "this is either a vibrator-shaped alarm-clock, or someone is trying to call me." He gathered all his strengths, reached for his pocket, and pulled out his "Pizza-ordering-device". Slowly, he opened it, and put it against his ear.
- "Pizza?" said the great God of the WOW
- "No, dumb-***, its not the pizza-man, its the God of Earth!! Tremble before me!!!"
- "Pizza?" whispered the great God of the WOW, hoping what he heard was just the voices in his head.
- "Listen Marvin, the Council of the Gods is starting in 15 minutes. Can you make it?"
The great God of the WOW could not believe his ears. No one had called him Marvin since he had left his mum's basement. Back then, The Great Goddess of Time and Space had found out he was sniffing deodorant, and had kicked him out. This name brought back lots of horrible memories he had tried to supress by smoking supra-uber-weed all day.
- "I'm listening...", mumbled the great God of the WOW.
- "Listening to what? Didn't you hear what I just said?" screamed the angry God of Earth.
- "Hum... yeah, I kinda did, but... Could you repeat it just to make sure?"
- "You stupid lazy-no-good-drug-addict! You are a disgrace to all the Gods that ever existed, even the crappy Roman Gods that just copy-pasted the Greek Gods!! Now get your *** to the Council in 15 minutes sharp or I put forward a motion to send you to rehab!!"
The God of Earth hung up. The great God of the WOW could not believed how cool that long beeeeep sounded, and he stayed listening to it, thinking it "This is cool, its like the echo from the Big-bang, man..." Despite that wonderful sound, he could not forget the conversation that just took place. "Damn!", he thought, "gotta find some clothes. If I turn up naked, they'll all get offended and ****. So... I guess I should create an earth, plant some trees, some wool, make some cows for leather, cut all that **** up, make some color dye, and make myself some red cow-boy boots, and nice chequered jumper, a funky baseball cap, and maybe even some shoes if I plant rubber trees. Great!!" He took some pieces of the fluffiest cloud he could find, which happened to be the one he was sitting on, and stuck it on his private bits. "That will do..." thought the great God of WOW, already exhausted by all the thoughts he had had this morning. "Now... to the Godmobile!!"
Of course, there was no such things as a "Godmobile". But the great God fo WOW had always wanted to say it. He chuckled at teh thought of him driving something somewhere, and teleported to the Great Big Phat Gates Council of the Gods.
.................................
- "Well, well, well, if it isnt our non-existent drugy friend, the puny God of the WOW..." smirked the Jedi God.
- "Hi guys...", said the God of the WOW, insulted that someone called him something, though he wasnt sure what it was anymore.
- "Let me make it clear and simple", barked the Earth God, "My planet is screwed up. Too many people, too many animals, too much pollution, that ******* "Bush the XVIIth" is ******** everything up. So... You gotta take some to your planet."
All eyes expectantly turned to the God of the WOW.
- "Hum, could you maybe the repeat that? I missed some bit in the middle..." hushered the God of the WOW.
The God of Earth stood up, walked to him, grabed him by the throat, and whispered:
- "You are nothing. You are the laziest God that ever existed. You have not built anything, you have not killed anyone, all you do is smoke weed and jerk off all day. So, jerk off, now its payback time. You're gonna take some humans, some animals, and you're gonna build them a nice little world. You're gonna take care of them until they can fend off for themselves. And you're gonna do it NOW!!!!"
Sweat started to drip from the forehead of the WOW God.
- "People? Animals? Build, take care, what the ****??? How? I'll never manage that, and I dont have time, you know my dog just died, and my cat, well he escaped, and, well, you know what cats are like..."
- "It is not a suggestion. It is a ******* order you dumb *****. Prove yourself worthy of your God status. Otherwise, it's a one way ticket to hell. Or, as you call it, rehab. *********** off!"
..................................
And so, the great God of the WOW wasnt feeling so great as he tried to remember all the stuff he had to do to acomodate these new creatures. It felt like a very long teleportation home. "Why me?" he kept thinking... "I never hurt anyone..." But there was only one thing the WOW God hated more than doing stuff. And that was doing stuff without his uber-weed. He sat silently on his little cloud, contemplating the vast emptiness under him. He imagined little rabbits walking around, loving humans getting drunk and watching reality TV, little birds flying high in teh sky without a care in the world. It made him smile, and a tear dropped down his eye. "Emotions", thought the WOW God, "I'd forgotten all about them...".
It felt good. And for the first time since he could remember, the Great God of the WOW finally felt he had a purpose in his life. A direction. He got up, and screamed "I shall create 10,000 islands, and populate them with wildlife, and make trees, and grass, and mountains, and jungles, and snow, and make lakes, and caves, and weird-looking-peace-loving animals, and the only thing that shall rule this world will be LOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!!!"
And so the Great God of the WOW went to work. He created teh very first big island, which he called "Kalimdor" since that was the name of his imaginary dragon that visited him sometimes singing Bryan Adams songs, and on it, he made rivers, and mountains, and lakes, and jungles, and lots of cool little hills, but also some scary bits with lava and craters. He was really proud of it. Really, relly proud. "Did I really said 10,000? ******* hell, what an idiot. I'll just make another one, and we'll call it a day..."
So he did. But, by then, he was already knackered. So he called it "Eastern Kingdom", cos it was in the east. And he kinda just copied all the stuff he'd made in the first big island. And he said "That will do" and wiped the sweat from his forehead.
"Now, I just gotta wait for the animals and people and **** to arrive..."
................................
Edited, Thu Jun 16 08:34:01 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Edited, Thu Jun 16 08:36:03 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Edited, Thu Jun 16 08:39:06 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Edited, Thu Jun 16 09:36:08 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Edited, Thu Jun 16 09:38:57 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
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"An Alternative History Of WOW"Follow
Chapter 2,
or "How the God of Earth is a nasty back-stabbing *******"
The dawn raised on the WOW. The great God of Wow slowly emerged from his chemically-enduced sleep, opened an eye, closed it again, and scratched his balls. "Another perfect day, in my perfect world", he thought. The God of the WOW stretched his arms, his legs, his neck. They all seemed so stiff. "I worked my ******* *** off last night didn't I?" asked the God of WOW to himself.
-"Whatever dude, where are we meant to camp?"
It took a few seconds for the God of the WOW to realise this voice came from outside his head. As that thought penetrated his consciousness, he had a sudden urge to go back to sleep. Or to light up a joint. Or to do anything not have to deal with this squeky, demanding and arrogant voice.
-"You just gonna sleep all day mate? Waky waky..."
Gathering all the energy he could find, summoning higher spirit to give him strenght and wisdom, praying to the God of Gods for infinite compassion and ever-lasting love, the God of the WOW finally opened his eyes, and glanced beneath his heavenly-comfy cloud.
-"Oh for ****'s sake... Please tell me you are ******* kidding me..." said the god of the WOW to himself.
Beneath him stood a interminable line of dishevelled and hungry-looking humans, babies, kids, teenagers, elderly, whole families with their life-long belongings clutched under their arms, chatting, arguing, fighting, sleeping, as well as cows, pigs, chickens, rabitts, rats, fish, sheep, birds, dogs, cats, pandas, zergs, and garden gnomes. "Garden Gnomes?" thought the God of the WOW, "What the ****..." As far as he could see, this line continued on, and on, and on. The noise was unbelievably loud, and the great God of the WOW got the same urge to go back to where he was before, just like the day he was spat out of the Great Goddess of Time and Space's fanny.
- "So mate, where the town?" asked the first human in the queue. "I got ********* of money, I want a primary property, overlooking the sea with a garden."
- "So do i!!" screamed the guy behind him, "And a rooftop terrace too, I got the cash and a recomendation letter from my previous landlord!"
- "No way dont trust those guys, they are crooks!" screamed another one, "I deserve the penthouse by the beach, I used to be a lawyer!!"
And so they continued, on and on, arguing, screaming, demanding stuff that the great God of the WOW had not even created yet.
He sat back on his cloud, closed his eyes, and felt a sudden urge to wipe them all out with a thunderous BAM! He took a deep breath, looked down again... and just felt pity. Pity for those poor, weak, tired, hungry and feeble creatures that had been kicked out of their homes. They must have felt like he did when the Great Goddess found out about the whole deodorant thing: lost, lonely, and in need of a new place to rebuild his life. Eventhough the great God of the WOW was a lazy no-good-weed-addict, he had a big heart.
- "Just wait here for two seconds, guys" he screamed to the masses below him, "I'll figure out something."
And so he sat back down on his cloud. "I haven't even smoked today", he sadly thought to himself. He shook his head in despair.
And yet, as big as his own pain was, it was nothing compared to the suffering these people had endured. He knew how it felt to be kicked out for no good reason. He knew how it felt to be homeless, hungry, and in need of love. He knew, and he felt these people's pain. All they needed was a chance to rebuild their lives. A chance, that he himself never had.
- "Right", he screamed to the masses below, "anyone here used to be an architect?"
- "ME!!!!!" screamed a thousand voices in unison, and they all started arguing, saying that the only thing this guy has ever built was a Lego spaceship, and the other saying he could build mud-huts, and one guy even claiming he had made the Millenium Dome.
- "Not you then", said the God of the WOW.
He stared down, and noticed a little guy with glasses with his hand up. He looked nice and decent, and at least he wasnt screaming. Nor arguing. Nor moving too much. The WOW God elevated him to the cloud, and sat him down next to him.
- "You ever built anything?" he asked the little fellow.
- "Not really, but I used to have He-Man's castle when I was younger, and it looked pretty neat" replied the kid.
- "It'll do. You are now in charge of building a great city. THE great human city. You gotta make it big, and nice, and comfy, and practical, and cool. Just come back to me when you have the plans, and some drawings, and I'll make it. Deal?"
- "You bet", said the little fellow. "Thanks Mr. God, I won't let you down."
- "Sweet, little man. Just call me Marv... nevermind, Mr. God will do. In the meantime, you guys are gonna have to sleep rough for a while. Tell the people not to wander off too far, I only built the world yesterday, and I'm not sure how stable or safe it is yet. Got it?"
- "Yes, Mr. God"
And the little kid was sent back down, told the Holy Message to the people.
- "A divine blessing!!" scremed some guy in the crowd, "let us build a church here to mark the holy day when God Almighty bespoke to us!!"
- "Hear, hear!!" said another one
- "Right here?" asked the first one, "Okay! We shall build a church here, and call it the "Yorkshire Abbey"!!"
- "Hear, hear!!", repeated the easily-excitable human.
- "Yeah man, right here."
- "Yorkshire Abbey is a crap name", said another one, "lets call it Northshire Abbey, cos we have travelled many roads north to come here."
- "Hear, hear!!" said the same goddamn ************* guy.
- "STFU noob, can't you say anything else?", but he obviously couldn't, so he did stfu.
And so, the men gathered there started to build the Abbey, and the little fellow started to draw up maps, and plans, and designs, and statues, and colours he thought would look nice in the City that God ordered him to do. Some people would stand behind him and watched as he drew, and tried to help by saying "a bit of pink might look cool on the entrance gate", but the little fellow was determined not to let anyone interfere in his divine mission. He stayed up all night drawing away, whilst the rest of the people argued, screamed, brawled, had sex, basically trying to recerate the place they had unvoluntarily left behind.
The little fellow just kept drawing the night away.
................................................
Edited, Fri Jun 17 09:50:55 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
or "How the God of Earth is a nasty back-stabbing *******"
The dawn raised on the WOW. The great God of Wow slowly emerged from his chemically-enduced sleep, opened an eye, closed it again, and scratched his balls. "Another perfect day, in my perfect world", he thought. The God of the WOW stretched his arms, his legs, his neck. They all seemed so stiff. "I worked my ******* *** off last night didn't I?" asked the God of WOW to himself.
-"Whatever dude, where are we meant to camp?"
It took a few seconds for the God of the WOW to realise this voice came from outside his head. As that thought penetrated his consciousness, he had a sudden urge to go back to sleep. Or to light up a joint. Or to do anything not have to deal with this squeky, demanding and arrogant voice.
-"You just gonna sleep all day mate? Waky waky..."
Gathering all the energy he could find, summoning higher spirit to give him strenght and wisdom, praying to the God of Gods for infinite compassion and ever-lasting love, the God of the WOW finally opened his eyes, and glanced beneath his heavenly-comfy cloud.
-"Oh for ****'s sake... Please tell me you are ******* kidding me..." said the god of the WOW to himself.
Beneath him stood a interminable line of dishevelled and hungry-looking humans, babies, kids, teenagers, elderly, whole families with their life-long belongings clutched under their arms, chatting, arguing, fighting, sleeping, as well as cows, pigs, chickens, rabitts, rats, fish, sheep, birds, dogs, cats, pandas, zergs, and garden gnomes. "Garden Gnomes?" thought the God of the WOW, "What the ****..." As far as he could see, this line continued on, and on, and on. The noise was unbelievably loud, and the great God of the WOW got the same urge to go back to where he was before, just like the day he was spat out of the Great Goddess of Time and Space's fanny.
- "So mate, where the town?" asked the first human in the queue. "I got ********* of money, I want a primary property, overlooking the sea with a garden."
- "So do i!!" screamed the guy behind him, "And a rooftop terrace too, I got the cash and a recomendation letter from my previous landlord!"
- "No way dont trust those guys, they are crooks!" screamed another one, "I deserve the penthouse by the beach, I used to be a lawyer!!"
And so they continued, on and on, arguing, screaming, demanding stuff that the great God of the WOW had not even created yet.
He sat back on his cloud, closed his eyes, and felt a sudden urge to wipe them all out with a thunderous BAM! He took a deep breath, looked down again... and just felt pity. Pity for those poor, weak, tired, hungry and feeble creatures that had been kicked out of their homes. They must have felt like he did when the Great Goddess found out about the whole deodorant thing: lost, lonely, and in need of a new place to rebuild his life. Eventhough the great God of the WOW was a lazy no-good-weed-addict, he had a big heart.
- "Just wait here for two seconds, guys" he screamed to the masses below him, "I'll figure out something."
And so he sat back down on his cloud. "I haven't even smoked today", he sadly thought to himself. He shook his head in despair.
And yet, as big as his own pain was, it was nothing compared to the suffering these people had endured. He knew how it felt to be kicked out for no good reason. He knew how it felt to be homeless, hungry, and in need of love. He knew, and he felt these people's pain. All they needed was a chance to rebuild their lives. A chance, that he himself never had.
- "Right", he screamed to the masses below, "anyone here used to be an architect?"
- "ME!!!!!" screamed a thousand voices in unison, and they all started arguing, saying that the only thing this guy has ever built was a Lego spaceship, and the other saying he could build mud-huts, and one guy even claiming he had made the Millenium Dome.
- "Not you then", said the God of the WOW.
He stared down, and noticed a little guy with glasses with his hand up. He looked nice and decent, and at least he wasnt screaming. Nor arguing. Nor moving too much. The WOW God elevated him to the cloud, and sat him down next to him.
- "You ever built anything?" he asked the little fellow.
- "Not really, but I used to have He-Man's castle when I was younger, and it looked pretty neat" replied the kid.
- "It'll do. You are now in charge of building a great city. THE great human city. You gotta make it big, and nice, and comfy, and practical, and cool. Just come back to me when you have the plans, and some drawings, and I'll make it. Deal?"
- "You bet", said the little fellow. "Thanks Mr. God, I won't let you down."
- "Sweet, little man. Just call me Marv... nevermind, Mr. God will do. In the meantime, you guys are gonna have to sleep rough for a while. Tell the people not to wander off too far, I only built the world yesterday, and I'm not sure how stable or safe it is yet. Got it?"
- "Yes, Mr. God"
And the little kid was sent back down, told the Holy Message to the people.
- "A divine blessing!!" scremed some guy in the crowd, "let us build a church here to mark the holy day when God Almighty bespoke to us!!"
- "Hear, hear!!" said another one
- "Right here?" asked the first one, "Okay! We shall build a church here, and call it the "Yorkshire Abbey"!!"
- "Hear, hear!!", repeated the easily-excitable human.
- "Yeah man, right here."
- "Yorkshire Abbey is a crap name", said another one, "lets call it Northshire Abbey, cos we have travelled many roads north to come here."
- "Hear, hear!!" said the same goddamn ************* guy.
- "STFU noob, can't you say anything else?", but he obviously couldn't, so he did stfu.
And so, the men gathered there started to build the Abbey, and the little fellow started to draw up maps, and plans, and designs, and statues, and colours he thought would look nice in the City that God ordered him to do. Some people would stand behind him and watched as he drew, and tried to help by saying "a bit of pink might look cool on the entrance gate", but the little fellow was determined not to let anyone interfere in his divine mission. He stayed up all night drawing away, whilst the rest of the people argued, screamed, brawled, had sex, basically trying to recerate the place they had unvoluntarily left behind.
The little fellow just kept drawing the night away.
................................................
Edited, Fri Jun 17 09:50:55 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
man this is really entertaining...keep 'em comign red!Bravo 
keep em coming
keep em coming
Chapter 3,
Or "How everything works out in the beginning"
And then a blue lion came out of the sky, took an electric guitar out and screamed "LET THE WORLD BE ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCKED!!! YEAH!!" and let us the most amazing combination of chords ever heard, while a whole pack of jungle animals was banging on drums in teh background, hitting the bassline, snorting lines of Supa-sugar and... "Mr. God? Mr. God?" blowing their trumpets with a great sound of "Mr. God? Wake up please..."
The great God of the WOW opened his eyes, slowly, and looked down from his cloud. He saw the little fellow looking up at him, with a little smile on his face and drawings under his arms. The great God of WOW smiled. He hadnt woken up with such a nice feeling in a long time. He actually felt, what was the word... excited. Excited about the prospects of a new day. "Ah well", he thought, "there's a first time for everything." He lifted the little kid up to the cloud.
- "Hi Mr. God"
- "Hi little man. What's up?"
- "Well, I got finished the drawings."
- "Cool, let me see."
The little fellow pulled out paper after paper of drawings, plans, mathematical tables, equations, materials needed, budget estimates, cost calculations, land planning permits, so much stuff the great God of the WOW had never heard of before.
- ********** me..." whispered the great God to himself, "how the hell did you come up with all this?"
- "Meh", said the little kid shruging, "it was easy. I just did what i thought would be cool."
The great God of the WOW could not believe his eyes. So much details, so many angles, it was all there.
- "What's that space for, in the entrance?"
- "Well, I thought that maybe one day, our world would have heroes too, like we had in the old world, like Mother Theresa and Matt Groening, and that we might want to put some statues of them on the bridge of the entrance..."
- "I see, I see" mumbled the great God the WOW. "It's phat. Really. But we wont be able to fit all the people in there."
- "I know", said the little fellow, "but many people didn't want to wait. They were impatient, and so they built their own houses near Northshire Abbey."
- "What the **** is Northshire Abbey?"
- "Some church the humans built cos you spoke to them."
- "Are they gonna do that everytime I speak to them?"
- "I don't know", replied the little fellow.
The great God of the WOW was taken aback by these weird humans. They seemed to have all the faults in the world, impatient, gullible, ***-lickers, rowdy, fighting all the time, egotistical, demanding... And yet, here was this litte guy that could come up with **** liek that in one night. It didnt make much sense to him.
-"Tell you what", said the great God of the WOW, "tell all the people that havent built a house yet that they should wait near the river, on the south-west of that stupid Abbey. And tell them to bring all their belongings too."
-"Sure thing Mr. God."
-"Cool", said the great God of WOW, content that everything would work out, and that the humans would have such a cool city. He proceeded to roll his first joint in 2 days. "2 days!" he thought to himself, "now that's an achievment..."
-"What are you doing?" asked the little fellow. "Are these durgs?"
- "Erm, what? This? Nah, nah, its just, erm, you know, like when you are bored and you do stuff to, like, make you un-bored, or like when you are sad and you want to be happy, well, this is like that, but different. Like a cigarette, but, you know, just for Gods."
But the littel fellow wasnt impressed.
-"Send me back down", he said.
The great God felt like ****. But what could he do? Tell the kids he was doing drugs? The kid knew anyway. There was nothing he could do. not now anyway.
- "How do you want the city to be called, little fellow?"
- "I thought about it."
- "And?"
- "And you know how the sky has been blue since we arrived? And how there are no clouds? And how its the middle of December?"
- "Yeah, sorry about that, I havent created the weather yet... But its on my to-do list, i swear..."
- "Well, I come from a little island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, where its always rainy and windy. So, I want to call the city "Stormwind". To remind me of home."
The great God of the WOW saw that the little kid was sad at the thought of his old home. "Still", he thought, "Stormwind kinda sucks".
- "What about "KillaTown"? or "SupaCity?"" he asked the little kid, trying to make it sound as exciting as possible.
But the little fellow didnt say anything. He just stared into the great God's eyes.
- "Fine, fine, Stormwind it is... Now go tell the people it'll be ready soon."
And the great God of the WOW sent the little kid back down. He put his feet up, and chilled out. He lit his joint, took out a few drags, and had a chat with Kalimdor.
- "Ah, I already miss the good old days, Kali..."
- "Don't worry God... This is fun, isn't it?"
- "I don't know... It seems so stressful and complicated. Remember when it was just you and me? We would sing songs, and party, and smoke weed all day... T'was cool..."
- "And Onyxia?"
The great God of the WOW felt a shiver down his spine, inhaled too much smoke, and coughed his lungs out.
- "Don't EVER mention my little sister again? Understood?"
- "Sorry mate. It's just that, well, you know what the ***** is like. As soon as there's trouble to be caused..."
- "She won't come here. Don't worry. She's too busy appearing in people's dream to bother us. Just take a puff man..."
And so Kali took another puff, and the great God of the WOW and his imaginary dragon spent the day smoking, and laughing, and singing old songs that they couldn't remember properly.
And while God was getting high, the little fellow spread the word amongst the humans, who all gathered up by the banks of the river. They sat down by the river, sang songs, shared old jokes, and waited for the Holy city to appear, safe in the knowledge they would finally have a peaceful, tranquil, and quiet home...
Edited, Thu Jun 16 12:13:41 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Or "How everything works out in the beginning"
And then a blue lion came out of the sky, took an electric guitar out and screamed "LET THE WORLD BE ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCKED!!! YEAH!!" and let us the most amazing combination of chords ever heard, while a whole pack of jungle animals was banging on drums in teh background, hitting the bassline, snorting lines of Supa-sugar and... "Mr. God? Mr. God?" blowing their trumpets with a great sound of "Mr. God? Wake up please..."
The great God of the WOW opened his eyes, slowly, and looked down from his cloud. He saw the little fellow looking up at him, with a little smile on his face and drawings under his arms. The great God of WOW smiled. He hadnt woken up with such a nice feeling in a long time. He actually felt, what was the word... excited. Excited about the prospects of a new day. "Ah well", he thought, "there's a first time for everything." He lifted the little kid up to the cloud.
- "Hi Mr. God"
- "Hi little man. What's up?"
- "Well, I got finished the drawings."
- "Cool, let me see."
The little fellow pulled out paper after paper of drawings, plans, mathematical tables, equations, materials needed, budget estimates, cost calculations, land planning permits, so much stuff the great God of the WOW had never heard of before.
- ********** me..." whispered the great God to himself, "how the hell did you come up with all this?"
- "Meh", said the little kid shruging, "it was easy. I just did what i thought would be cool."
The great God of the WOW could not believe his eyes. So much details, so many angles, it was all there.
- "What's that space for, in the entrance?"
- "Well, I thought that maybe one day, our world would have heroes too, like we had in the old world, like Mother Theresa and Matt Groening, and that we might want to put some statues of them on the bridge of the entrance..."
- "I see, I see" mumbled the great God the WOW. "It's phat. Really. But we wont be able to fit all the people in there."
- "I know", said the little fellow, "but many people didn't want to wait. They were impatient, and so they built their own houses near Northshire Abbey."
- "What the **** is Northshire Abbey?"
- "Some church the humans built cos you spoke to them."
- "Are they gonna do that everytime I speak to them?"
- "I don't know", replied the little fellow.
The great God of the WOW was taken aback by these weird humans. They seemed to have all the faults in the world, impatient, gullible, ***-lickers, rowdy, fighting all the time, egotistical, demanding... And yet, here was this litte guy that could come up with **** liek that in one night. It didnt make much sense to him.
-"Tell you what", said the great God of the WOW, "tell all the people that havent built a house yet that they should wait near the river, on the south-west of that stupid Abbey. And tell them to bring all their belongings too."
-"Sure thing Mr. God."
-"Cool", said the great God of WOW, content that everything would work out, and that the humans would have such a cool city. He proceeded to roll his first joint in 2 days. "2 days!" he thought to himself, "now that's an achievment..."
-"What are you doing?" asked the little fellow. "Are these durgs?"
- "Erm, what? This? Nah, nah, its just, erm, you know, like when you are bored and you do stuff to, like, make you un-bored, or like when you are sad and you want to be happy, well, this is like that, but different. Like a cigarette, but, you know, just for Gods."
But the littel fellow wasnt impressed.
-"Send me back down", he said.
The great God felt like ****. But what could he do? Tell the kids he was doing drugs? The kid knew anyway. There was nothing he could do. not now anyway.
- "How do you want the city to be called, little fellow?"
- "I thought about it."
- "And?"
- "And you know how the sky has been blue since we arrived? And how there are no clouds? And how its the middle of December?"
- "Yeah, sorry about that, I havent created the weather yet... But its on my to-do list, i swear..."
- "Well, I come from a little island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, where its always rainy and windy. So, I want to call the city "Stormwind". To remind me of home."
The great God of the WOW saw that the little kid was sad at the thought of his old home. "Still", he thought, "Stormwind kinda sucks".
- "What about "KillaTown"? or "SupaCity?"" he asked the little kid, trying to make it sound as exciting as possible.
But the little fellow didnt say anything. He just stared into the great God's eyes.
- "Fine, fine, Stormwind it is... Now go tell the people it'll be ready soon."
And the great God of the WOW sent the little kid back down. He put his feet up, and chilled out. He lit his joint, took out a few drags, and had a chat with Kalimdor.
- "Ah, I already miss the good old days, Kali..."
- "Don't worry God... This is fun, isn't it?"
- "I don't know... It seems so stressful and complicated. Remember when it was just you and me? We would sing songs, and party, and smoke weed all day... T'was cool..."
- "And Onyxia?"
The great God of the WOW felt a shiver down his spine, inhaled too much smoke, and coughed his lungs out.
- "Don't EVER mention my little sister again? Understood?"
- "Sorry mate. It's just that, well, you know what the ***** is like. As soon as there's trouble to be caused..."
- "She won't come here. Don't worry. She's too busy appearing in people's dream to bother us. Just take a puff man..."
And so Kali took another puff, and the great God of the WOW and his imaginary dragon spent the day smoking, and laughing, and singing old songs that they couldn't remember properly.
And while God was getting high, the little fellow spread the word amongst the humans, who all gathered up by the banks of the river. They sat down by the river, sang songs, shared old jokes, and waited for the Holy city to appear, safe in the knowledge they would finally have a peaceful, tranquil, and quiet home...
Edited, Thu Jun 16 12:13:41 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Nice work, it reminded me of the What Do GM's Do In Their Sparetime story from the old FFXI forum.
Keep the chapters coming! :D
Keep the chapters coming! :D
damn 3 chapters and its some interesting ****.
Good read. Keep 'em coming!
"I have lost my way
But I hear a tale
About a heaven in Alberta
Where they've got all hell for a basement"
But I hear a tale
About a heaven in Alberta
Where they've got all hell for a basement"
Someone should rate you down so I can rate you up! ˆˆ;
Great stuff man, keep it up :P
Edit: You have to throw in Illidan sex...
Edited, Thu Jun 16 19:25:20 2005 by LordOfTheTarus
Great stuff man, keep it up :P
Edit: You have to throw in Illidan sex...
Edited, Thu Jun 16 19:25:20 2005 by LordOfTheTarus
Rehuhu of Kujata
Entertaining, and good.
Please Continue.....
Please Continue.....
Awesome, Red, awesome. Rate up.
*Cheers*
Chapter 4,
Or "How a human in the WOW is still just a human."
The first rays of the awoken morning sun were finally shedding light on the eyelids of the sleepy humans camping by the river bank. Slowly, one by one, they opened their eyes, streched their legs, wiped the drool of the corner of their mounths.
- "Hear..." whispered the one could say nothing else.
- ********** me..." replied another one, "This is... beautiful"
Before them, stood the great gates of the mighty human city. A gigantic sign posted ont he gates read "Stormwind City: Its the place to be!"
- "Maybe we should take that down, no?" hesitantly inquired one ofthe villagers
- "Whatever man, lets go in..."
And, like a silent funeral procession, the humans marched into the great city. They could barely speak, their voices drowned in the torments of emotions that engulfed them, their eyes blinded by the rays reflecting on the white walls of the fortress. They just kept moving forward, inwardly hailing the greatest miracle they had ever seen.
Above them, high up in the clouds, a green smoke was floating through the air.
- "Told you they would like it", said the great God of the WOW.
- "It just shows that when you put your mind to something, you do a good job", replied Kalimdor.
They gave each other a hug. The Great God of the WOW
thought of saying "I love you man" to Kalimdor, but wasnt sure whether it might sound a bit gay, or worse, considering he was just an imaginary weed-induced dragon. He thought better of it.
- "Look at them all running around, like little hyperactive ants... It feels like I've got a thousand fully-grown children" smiled the Great God of the WOW.
- "Yep," replied Kalimdor "parenthood isnt all that bad, is it?"
- "I guess not!" said the Great of God laughing heartedly, "Now pass me the bong!"
While the Great God of the WOW was getting even higher that the laws of physics would permit, the little humans below him were now overwhelemed with joy and exctiment. Some had already chosen their houses, other were inspecting every room of every house, making comments like "Not enough storage space", or "I want a view on the river!" Conciencious inn-keepers had already established a pub, and were serving nasty home-made moonshine, whilst other folks were busy establishing shops, casinos, lap-dancing clubs, and all the other activities they had grown used to back in the old Earthen days.
The only person that stood aback from all this scurrying, was the little fellow. He was just walking the streets of Stormwind slowly, breathing in the dusty smell of a brand new miracle. "It's exactly like what I designed", he kept repeating to himself, still unable to believe that the Great God of WOW had such extraordinary powers, and such a delicate execution.
And as the day untanlged, the people slowly settled down. They all chose a house, hung their pictures up, cleaned up the frontyard, and stocked their groceries. The little fellow himself had taken residence in the highest room in the keep, from where he could see both the courtyards of Stormwind, and the adjascent countryside.
......................................
As the night fell on the WOW, the great God called the little fellow up to his cloud.
- "So... happy?" hesitantly asked the Great God.
- "It's just perfect." replied the little boy
- "And the humans, are they happy too?"
- "Yeah, kinda. Well, you know they still argue about lots of pointless stuff, but all in all they seem happy."
- "So... is this it?" asked the great God of the WOW.
- "What do you mean?"
- "Well, you know, you've got houses, fields, food, drinks, shops... You can eat, sleep, have sex... That's all humans need, right?"
- "Oh no!" said the little boy, and he started giggling at the incredible simplicity of the Great God of WOW. "They have barely begun. Right now they are choosing their political leader. Then we'll make a currency, then we'll set-up prices and markets, then we'll do a school, an army, an exploration team, we'll choose religious leaders..."
- "Ok... Do you really need all that?" asked the great God of WOW, begging to feel that the end was in fact just the beggining.
- "Need, I dont know", said the little fellow. "But thats what's gonna happen. See all the people in the center of the market? They are voting on a constitutive assembly. That assembly will then appoint ministers for all areas of life, and then we will all choose a leader, but we need to have a 3/4 majority, otherwise we will ahve a secound round where the top two will make speeches in front of the constitutive assembly, which will then make a recomendation based on those speeches, and then the people will vote again, and if we stil cant get a 3/4 majority, we'll flip a coin."
The Great God of WOW could not believe his ears. He got up, went to his supa-weed plant, took out a few leaves, and made himself a nice cup of supa-tea.
- "Drugs are bad..." said the little fellow.
- "Humans suck", answered the Great God still shaking his head. "Can't they just elect you as a leader?"
- "I'm not running" said the little fellow.
- "Running where?"
- "No, like I'm not... I don't want to be the leader. I don't wanna spend all my time listening to people whining about stuff, and then ******** about how I can't solve their problems."
- "Fair enough..."
- "And anyway, you need to make speeches, put posters up, have a programme, policies, promises you can't keep... It's a full-time job."
The great God was still trying to take it all in.
- "This is ********** dude" was all he finally came up with.
And they both sat silently, pensive, staring down at the crowds gathered in the marketplace deliberating, shouting, promising, arguing, analysing, insulting, in a word, being politicians.
Edited, Fri Jun 17 09:36:54 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Edited, Fri Jun 17 09:54:29 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Or "How a human in the WOW is still just a human."
The first rays of the awoken morning sun were finally shedding light on the eyelids of the sleepy humans camping by the river bank. Slowly, one by one, they opened their eyes, streched their legs, wiped the drool of the corner of their mounths.
- "Hear..." whispered the one could say nothing else.
- ********** me..." replied another one, "This is... beautiful"
Before them, stood the great gates of the mighty human city. A gigantic sign posted ont he gates read "Stormwind City: Its the place to be!"
- "Maybe we should take that down, no?" hesitantly inquired one ofthe villagers
- "Whatever man, lets go in..."
And, like a silent funeral procession, the humans marched into the great city. They could barely speak, their voices drowned in the torments of emotions that engulfed them, their eyes blinded by the rays reflecting on the white walls of the fortress. They just kept moving forward, inwardly hailing the greatest miracle they had ever seen.
Above them, high up in the clouds, a green smoke was floating through the air.
- "Told you they would like it", said the great God of the WOW.
- "It just shows that when you put your mind to something, you do a good job", replied Kalimdor.
They gave each other a hug. The Great God of the WOW
thought of saying "I love you man" to Kalimdor, but wasnt sure whether it might sound a bit gay, or worse, considering he was just an imaginary weed-induced dragon. He thought better of it.
- "Look at them all running around, like little hyperactive ants... It feels like I've got a thousand fully-grown children" smiled the Great God of the WOW.
- "Yep," replied Kalimdor "parenthood isnt all that bad, is it?"
- "I guess not!" said the Great of God laughing heartedly, "Now pass me the bong!"
While the Great God of the WOW was getting even higher that the laws of physics would permit, the little humans below him were now overwhelemed with joy and exctiment. Some had already chosen their houses, other were inspecting every room of every house, making comments like "Not enough storage space", or "I want a view on the river!" Conciencious inn-keepers had already established a pub, and were serving nasty home-made moonshine, whilst other folks were busy establishing shops, casinos, lap-dancing clubs, and all the other activities they had grown used to back in the old Earthen days.
The only person that stood aback from all this scurrying, was the little fellow. He was just walking the streets of Stormwind slowly, breathing in the dusty smell of a brand new miracle. "It's exactly like what I designed", he kept repeating to himself, still unable to believe that the Great God of WOW had such extraordinary powers, and such a delicate execution.
And as the day untanlged, the people slowly settled down. They all chose a house, hung their pictures up, cleaned up the frontyard, and stocked their groceries. The little fellow himself had taken residence in the highest room in the keep, from where he could see both the courtyards of Stormwind, and the adjascent countryside.
......................................
As the night fell on the WOW, the great God called the little fellow up to his cloud.
- "So... happy?" hesitantly asked the Great God.
- "It's just perfect." replied the little boy
- "And the humans, are they happy too?"
- "Yeah, kinda. Well, you know they still argue about lots of pointless stuff, but all in all they seem happy."
- "So... is this it?" asked the great God of the WOW.
- "What do you mean?"
- "Well, you know, you've got houses, fields, food, drinks, shops... You can eat, sleep, have sex... That's all humans need, right?"
- "Oh no!" said the little boy, and he started giggling at the incredible simplicity of the Great God of WOW. "They have barely begun. Right now they are choosing their political leader. Then we'll make a currency, then we'll set-up prices and markets, then we'll do a school, an army, an exploration team, we'll choose religious leaders..."
- "Ok... Do you really need all that?" asked the great God of WOW, begging to feel that the end was in fact just the beggining.
- "Need, I dont know", said the little fellow. "But thats what's gonna happen. See all the people in the center of the market? They are voting on a constitutive assembly. That assembly will then appoint ministers for all areas of life, and then we will all choose a leader, but we need to have a 3/4 majority, otherwise we will ahve a secound round where the top two will make speeches in front of the constitutive assembly, which will then make a recomendation based on those speeches, and then the people will vote again, and if we stil cant get a 3/4 majority, we'll flip a coin."
The Great God of WOW could not believe his ears. He got up, went to his supa-weed plant, took out a few leaves, and made himself a nice cup of supa-tea.
- "Drugs are bad..." said the little fellow.
- "Humans suck", answered the Great God still shaking his head. "Can't they just elect you as a leader?"
- "I'm not running" said the little fellow.
- "Running where?"
- "No, like I'm not... I don't want to be the leader. I don't wanna spend all my time listening to people whining about stuff, and then ******** about how I can't solve their problems."
- "Fair enough..."
- "And anyway, you need to make speeches, put posters up, have a programme, policies, promises you can't keep... It's a full-time job."
The great God was still trying to take it all in.
- "This is ********** dude" was all he finally came up with.
And they both sat silently, pensive, staring down at the crowds gathered in the marketplace deliberating, shouting, promising, arguing, analysing, insulting, in a word, being politicians.
Edited, Fri Jun 17 09:36:54 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Edited, Fri Jun 17 09:54:29 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Chapter 5,
Or "How a cow born in a stable is still a cow"
The Great God of the WOW didn't sleep that night. He drank his supa-tea, smoked his supa-weed, and humed a tune he'd heard somewhere, some day. The little fellow had fallen asleep next to him, and he just didnt have the courage to send him back down, not now, not with those crazy humans causing problems they would spend the rest of their lives trying to solve. He was scared, tired, but most of all, very stoned. He could not reconciliate the stupidity of the humans with their genius. He hated them almost as much as he admired them. And while all these thoughts circled around his head, like vultures around a rotting corpse, he kept being distracted by these strange, elongated, whiny sounds. "Moooooooo", they kept going, "mooooo", and whilst he enjoyed humming along the "moooooo", it was beggining to annoy him. He glanced down from his cloud, praying to himself that it wasn't human.
To his relief, it was a cow.
- "Wanna come up for a quick one?" he asked.
- "We need to talk", said the cow.
The Great God of WOW wasn't sure whether he was just hallucinating. His godly ashtray was full of joints butts, and his head wasn't functionning properly. Hallucination? "Whatever", he thought, "might as well have a chat." And so he lifted the cow up next to him.
- "Speak quietly", he told the cow, "I dont want us to wake up the little fellow."
- "Sure thing", relpied the bovine.
The great God of the WOW puffed another drag.
- "So... what's your beef?" and the Great God of the WOW exploded in laughter at his own joke, immediately tried to supress his laugh so as not to wake the littel guy up, ended up choking on the smoke in his throat, tried to supress his cough, and ended up on the floor with tears in his eyes. "Sorry about that", he said when he finally got back up. "I'm really tired."
- "No problem" said the cow languidly, as she waited for that weird God to get his thoughts back together. "Feel better?"
- "Shoot" said the Great God.
- "Ok. Well, basically, the cows of the WOW are pissed off. We left Earth thinking we could make a new, better life for ourselves, free from the schakles of human oppression and love for meat. The abatoirs, the slaughters, the pulling of our nipples, we all thought it would stop. But it hasnt. The humans have imprisoned us again, and are once again fondling our private parts, and murdering our brothers and sisters which they then burn and eat. We have to put a stop to this. Basically... We want freedom."
That was the last thing the Great God needed to hear now. A political speech from a freedom-fighting cow. He felt tired, and pissed-off, and helpless at the whole business. He remembered the Earth God, the name calling, the Council, and just wished he had not answered his godamn pizza-calling-device that day.
The day was slowly rising, and he needed to sleep, to rest his mind, to finally fall into a dreamy haze... He would've given his right arm for a piece of calm and quiet.
- "So" he finally mumbled, "what do you want me to do about it?"
- "Well", answered the cow, "we've all thought about it, and we came up with a list of demands."
- "Demands?"
- "Ok, maybe not "demands" as such, but, erm, propositions. Suggestions, if you will."
- "I'm listening."
- "First, we want to be more clever. Otherwise, we'll never escape the humans because they'll always find a way to capture us and eat us. Second, we want to stand on two-feet, and look more scary. Just, you know, to give them a scare and deter them from attacking us. Third, we think hooves are not practical, so we want hands. And forth we want our own place to live, far away from the murderuos regime of human oppression. And we want that place to have a scary name, like "Murderous Horn Town", or "Bloodhoof Village""
The Great God could not decide whether this was real or not. A talking freedom-fighting cow with a list of demands. Surely, surely, it was an hallucination. It was weed-induced. The world just couldn't be THAT ****** up.
- "Fine", said the Great God of the WOW nonchalantly. "I'll grant you those demands. To be honest, I don't know whether you are just a fragment of my imagination or whether cows really have issues, but whatever. I'll take the risk. Humans have pissed me off lately. Do you want a nose piercing wih that?"
- "Oh, yes please!" said the cow excitedly. "And can we change our names too? Cos "cow" sounds a bit lame, so we want to be called "Taurens!!" You know, just to be really scary. Grrrrrrr!!"
- "Sure thing my newly-granted bipedal friend. Now... can I please go to sleep?"
- "Oh yeah! Sorry about the whole thing, you know, but we've got to survive too. It's just not fair otherwise."
- "Whatever" said the Great God of WOW as he sent her, and her brethren, to a far, far away place.
The Great God of WOW finally put his feet up, finished his joint, and closed his eyes, praying he would wake up tomorrow and realize it had all been just a horrible nightmare. He drifted into strange, violent dreams where giant cows were slaughtering garden gnomes with axes and shotguns.
Damned weed...
Edited, Fri Jun 17 07:23:59 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Or "How a cow born in a stable is still a cow"
The Great God of the WOW didn't sleep that night. He drank his supa-tea, smoked his supa-weed, and humed a tune he'd heard somewhere, some day. The little fellow had fallen asleep next to him, and he just didnt have the courage to send him back down, not now, not with those crazy humans causing problems they would spend the rest of their lives trying to solve. He was scared, tired, but most of all, very stoned. He could not reconciliate the stupidity of the humans with their genius. He hated them almost as much as he admired them. And while all these thoughts circled around his head, like vultures around a rotting corpse, he kept being distracted by these strange, elongated, whiny sounds. "Moooooooo", they kept going, "mooooo", and whilst he enjoyed humming along the "moooooo", it was beggining to annoy him. He glanced down from his cloud, praying to himself that it wasn't human.
To his relief, it was a cow.
- "Wanna come up for a quick one?" he asked.
- "We need to talk", said the cow.
The Great God of WOW wasn't sure whether he was just hallucinating. His godly ashtray was full of joints butts, and his head wasn't functionning properly. Hallucination? "Whatever", he thought, "might as well have a chat." And so he lifted the cow up next to him.
- "Speak quietly", he told the cow, "I dont want us to wake up the little fellow."
- "Sure thing", relpied the bovine.
The great God of the WOW puffed another drag.
- "So... what's your beef?" and the Great God of the WOW exploded in laughter at his own joke, immediately tried to supress his laugh so as not to wake the littel guy up, ended up choking on the smoke in his throat, tried to supress his cough, and ended up on the floor with tears in his eyes. "Sorry about that", he said when he finally got back up. "I'm really tired."
- "No problem" said the cow languidly, as she waited for that weird God to get his thoughts back together. "Feel better?"
- "Shoot" said the Great God.
- "Ok. Well, basically, the cows of the WOW are pissed off. We left Earth thinking we could make a new, better life for ourselves, free from the schakles of human oppression and love for meat. The abatoirs, the slaughters, the pulling of our nipples, we all thought it would stop. But it hasnt. The humans have imprisoned us again, and are once again fondling our private parts, and murdering our brothers and sisters which they then burn and eat. We have to put a stop to this. Basically... We want freedom."
That was the last thing the Great God needed to hear now. A political speech from a freedom-fighting cow. He felt tired, and pissed-off, and helpless at the whole business. He remembered the Earth God, the name calling, the Council, and just wished he had not answered his godamn pizza-calling-device that day.
The day was slowly rising, and he needed to sleep, to rest his mind, to finally fall into a dreamy haze... He would've given his right arm for a piece of calm and quiet.
- "So" he finally mumbled, "what do you want me to do about it?"
- "Well", answered the cow, "we've all thought about it, and we came up with a list of demands."
- "Demands?"
- "Ok, maybe not "demands" as such, but, erm, propositions. Suggestions, if you will."
- "I'm listening."
- "First, we want to be more clever. Otherwise, we'll never escape the humans because they'll always find a way to capture us and eat us. Second, we want to stand on two-feet, and look more scary. Just, you know, to give them a scare and deter them from attacking us. Third, we think hooves are not practical, so we want hands. And forth we want our own place to live, far away from the murderuos regime of human oppression. And we want that place to have a scary name, like "Murderous Horn Town", or "Bloodhoof Village""
The Great God could not decide whether this was real or not. A talking freedom-fighting cow with a list of demands. Surely, surely, it was an hallucination. It was weed-induced. The world just couldn't be THAT ****** up.
- "Fine", said the Great God of the WOW nonchalantly. "I'll grant you those demands. To be honest, I don't know whether you are just a fragment of my imagination or whether cows really have issues, but whatever. I'll take the risk. Humans have pissed me off lately. Do you want a nose piercing wih that?"
- "Oh, yes please!" said the cow excitedly. "And can we change our names too? Cos "cow" sounds a bit lame, so we want to be called "Taurens!!" You know, just to be really scary. Grrrrrrr!!"
- "Sure thing my newly-granted bipedal friend. Now... can I please go to sleep?"
- "Oh yeah! Sorry about the whole thing, you know, but we've got to survive too. It's just not fair otherwise."
- "Whatever" said the Great God of WOW as he sent her, and her brethren, to a far, far away place.
The Great God of WOW finally put his feet up, finished his joint, and closed his eyes, praying he would wake up tomorrow and realize it had all been just a horrible nightmare. He drifted into strange, violent dreams where giant cows were slaughtering garden gnomes with axes and shotguns.
Damned weed...
Edited, Fri Jun 17 07:23:59 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Wow such an entertaining read
don't stop i want to hear where the gnomes come from
don't stop i want to hear where the gnomes come from
I guess the trolls are going to be his direct children, or at least be devout followers of his... recreational choice. =)
Chapter 5,
or "How the road to God is paved with bad intentions."
- "I have an idea for your "Northeners" problem."
- "Hehe, thanks. But I don't have a "Northerners" problem anymore."
- "What do you mean?"
- "I mean, the problem has... erm, well, let's just say "disppeared."
- "Did you finally give them love?"
- "Love? Hahaha, yeah right. The God of Earth giving love... You are such a joker mate."
- "So what? How did they disappear?"
- "Let's just say that in the night, all the cats are black..."
- "Drop the riddles, this isn't neither the Sphynx, nor the ******* mount Sinai. What did you do with them?"
- "I sent them on a trip. And I don't expect them to come back."
The God of Earth had a chuckle, checked his watch, and got up.
- "Now if you excuse me, I have a few earthquakes to attend. Some people just dont get the meaning of the words "Health and safety regulations". It always makes me laugh how those puny humans think they can away with building stuff without proper permits..."
- "Does Marvin know about all this? About the "Northeners"?"
- "Does Marvin know about anything?" smiled the God of Earth, as he clicked his fingers and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
"Show off", thought the Diablo God, as he slipped into his chair and opened the latest copy of "Godly Homes and Gardens".
.............................................
"People of the WOW... Thank you for your overwhelming nomination. I hereby accept the title you have granted upon me, and it is with a mixture of honour, pride, and ruthless efficency that I shall rule this virgin world. I know, you haven't elected me for my "intelligence", or my "compassion"... We are tired of those softy-softy *********** that spend all day talking, and "analysing" and ****. We want ACTION!! We want BLOOD!! No, not ours obviously, but we want SOMEONE ELSE'S BLOOD!! And we want remote-controlled TVs like we had back home! And plasma screens! And little electronic devices that you have to feed and cuddle every 5 mins otherwise they go "Bleeeeeep!".
Now I know that some people had reservations about my nomination. I heard the rumours that I was a "rapist". And a "murderer". And a "necrophiliac pedophile". Well, let me reassure you. All these rumours are just idle speculation that are meant to take your minds away from the real problems! Such as, "Where have the cows gone?" Or "Are the northeners really among us?" And many other issues that will undoubtedly come up during my eternal reign. What? 5 years? Hehe, sorry, thats exactly what I meant, during my "5 year" reign. Right.
So, I hereby nominate my pal, Mr Adin, as Prime Minister, chief executive, and Head of Northeners-hunt. I nominate the little fellow "Minister for Godly relations", since he's the only person that sulky ******* will talk to. I nominate Mrs Rouge, my life long girlfriend, as head of the secret services, which by the way don't really exist. And finally, I nominate Mr Shaman, as head of the Church, and executer of non-believers.
Together, we shall form a ruthless but efficient, hateful but selective, and totalitarian but smiling government. This is what you were forced to vote for, and this is what you shall endure!!
So in the name of the so-called God, but especially in my name, the Great Wise Eternal Well-Endowed Supreme Ruler of the WOW, King Arthas, I hereby pronounce you my eternal, I mean 5-yearly, subjects!!
All /bow for King Arthas!!!!"
And the whole crowd gathered there cheered like never before, almost as loudly as if they had had crossbows pointed to their heads, which they had. And they bowed. And they kneeled. And they performed the new "Dance for the King", which involved a strange mixture of disco-dancing and heavy-drinking-induced-confidence.
The little fellow, standing amongst the newly promoted Ministers, felt sick. He wanted to puke, but wanted to keep his head even more. He had no choice but to reingurgitate every piece of the lunch that was coming back up his long-winded intestines. But, in between the swallowing and the puking, he was hoping someone, somewhere, was neither sleeping nor stoned. A futile hope it was, as we all know, since the Great God of WOW was still fast asleep, and completely unaware that a new governemnt had formed, or that, on the other side of the world, some gigantic cows were building their very first village.
...........................................
- "Nice little world you've got there, bro."
- ********** off Onyxia. Go disturb someone else's dream... I was just about to score with Jennifer Love-Hewitt, damn it..."
- "Bah, I heard she's doesn't even do ****."
- "Leave her out of this. What the **** do you want?"
- "Oh, you know me, not much... A few rolling heads, a few carcasses... Some dressed-up clowns in my lair..."
- "Can't you just go back to Earth? I really liked your Barbara Streisand costume. It scared people ********* you know."
- "Yeah, well, I'm bored with it now. Earth is too screwed up already. I need something new, something fresh. I still haven't quite forgiven you for the time called me a "fat pig", you know. You really hurt my feelings."
- "Please sis, do not come here. I barely started and it's already all screwy. If you come now, this world will die before we even had our first proper rave. You wouldn't do that to me, would you? Deny your bro his first ever rave?"
- "We'll see... In the meantime, you ever heard of "Northeners?"
- "Are they a band?"
- "Yeah, kinda... A kinda beer-drinking-puke-spilling-street-pissing-violent-girl-abusing-band."
- "What like Guns N' Roses?"
- "Yeah, a but like that. Only more hated. And not quite as gay..."
- "Why the hell should I care?"
- "I just thought I would warn you, beloved brother. Before someone else does..."
- "Whatever. Go play riddles with the Earth God he's a **** too, he'll understand. Now leave me alone, JLH was taking her bra off."
- "See ya soon, bro..."
- "See ya *****..."
But Jennifer Love-Hewitt never took off her bra. And she didn't do **** either. Instead, the Great God of the WOW was awoken by the sound of trumpets, of anthems, of steel boots marching through the white streets of Stormwind. He was woken up by the sound of war.
Edited, Mon Jun 20 05:41:28 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
or "How the road to God is paved with bad intentions."
- "I have an idea for your "Northeners" problem."
- "Hehe, thanks. But I don't have a "Northerners" problem anymore."
- "What do you mean?"
- "I mean, the problem has... erm, well, let's just say "disppeared."
- "Did you finally give them love?"
- "Love? Hahaha, yeah right. The God of Earth giving love... You are such a joker mate."
- "So what? How did they disappear?"
- "Let's just say that in the night, all the cats are black..."
- "Drop the riddles, this isn't neither the Sphynx, nor the ******* mount Sinai. What did you do with them?"
- "I sent them on a trip. And I don't expect them to come back."
The God of Earth had a chuckle, checked his watch, and got up.
- "Now if you excuse me, I have a few earthquakes to attend. Some people just dont get the meaning of the words "Health and safety regulations". It always makes me laugh how those puny humans think they can away with building stuff without proper permits..."
- "Does Marvin know about all this? About the "Northeners"?"
- "Does Marvin know about anything?" smiled the God of Earth, as he clicked his fingers and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
"Show off", thought the Diablo God, as he slipped into his chair and opened the latest copy of "Godly Homes and Gardens".
.............................................
"People of the WOW... Thank you for your overwhelming nomination. I hereby accept the title you have granted upon me, and it is with a mixture of honour, pride, and ruthless efficency that I shall rule this virgin world. I know, you haven't elected me for my "intelligence", or my "compassion"... We are tired of those softy-softy *********** that spend all day talking, and "analysing" and ****. We want ACTION!! We want BLOOD!! No, not ours obviously, but we want SOMEONE ELSE'S BLOOD!! And we want remote-controlled TVs like we had back home! And plasma screens! And little electronic devices that you have to feed and cuddle every 5 mins otherwise they go "Bleeeeeep!".
Now I know that some people had reservations about my nomination. I heard the rumours that I was a "rapist". And a "murderer". And a "necrophiliac pedophile". Well, let me reassure you. All these rumours are just idle speculation that are meant to take your minds away from the real problems! Such as, "Where have the cows gone?" Or "Are the northeners really among us?" And many other issues that will undoubtedly come up during my eternal reign. What? 5 years? Hehe, sorry, thats exactly what I meant, during my "5 year" reign. Right.
So, I hereby nominate my pal, Mr Adin, as Prime Minister, chief executive, and Head of Northeners-hunt. I nominate the little fellow "Minister for Godly relations", since he's the only person that sulky ******* will talk to. I nominate Mrs Rouge, my life long girlfriend, as head of the secret services, which by the way don't really exist. And finally, I nominate Mr Shaman, as head of the Church, and executer of non-believers.
Together, we shall form a ruthless but efficient, hateful but selective, and totalitarian but smiling government. This is what you were forced to vote for, and this is what you shall endure!!
So in the name of the so-called God, but especially in my name, the Great Wise Eternal Well-Endowed Supreme Ruler of the WOW, King Arthas, I hereby pronounce you my eternal, I mean 5-yearly, subjects!!
All /bow for King Arthas!!!!"
And the whole crowd gathered there cheered like never before, almost as loudly as if they had had crossbows pointed to their heads, which they had. And they bowed. And they kneeled. And they performed the new "Dance for the King", which involved a strange mixture of disco-dancing and heavy-drinking-induced-confidence.
The little fellow, standing amongst the newly promoted Ministers, felt sick. He wanted to puke, but wanted to keep his head even more. He had no choice but to reingurgitate every piece of the lunch that was coming back up his long-winded intestines. But, in between the swallowing and the puking, he was hoping someone, somewhere, was neither sleeping nor stoned. A futile hope it was, as we all know, since the Great God of WOW was still fast asleep, and completely unaware that a new governemnt had formed, or that, on the other side of the world, some gigantic cows were building their very first village.
...........................................
- "Nice little world you've got there, bro."
- ********** off Onyxia. Go disturb someone else's dream... I was just about to score with Jennifer Love-Hewitt, damn it..."
- "Bah, I heard she's doesn't even do ****."
- "Leave her out of this. What the **** do you want?"
- "Oh, you know me, not much... A few rolling heads, a few carcasses... Some dressed-up clowns in my lair..."
- "Can't you just go back to Earth? I really liked your Barbara Streisand costume. It scared people ********* you know."
- "Yeah, well, I'm bored with it now. Earth is too screwed up already. I need something new, something fresh. I still haven't quite forgiven you for the time called me a "fat pig", you know. You really hurt my feelings."
- "Please sis, do not come here. I barely started and it's already all screwy. If you come now, this world will die before we even had our first proper rave. You wouldn't do that to me, would you? Deny your bro his first ever rave?"
- "We'll see... In the meantime, you ever heard of "Northeners?"
- "Are they a band?"
- "Yeah, kinda... A kinda beer-drinking-puke-spilling-street-pissing-violent-girl-abusing-band."
- "What like Guns N' Roses?"
- "Yeah, a but like that. Only more hated. And not quite as gay..."
- "Why the hell should I care?"
- "I just thought I would warn you, beloved brother. Before someone else does..."
- "Whatever. Go play riddles with the Earth God he's a **** too, he'll understand. Now leave me alone, JLH was taking her bra off."
- "See ya soon, bro..."
- "See ya *****..."
But Jennifer Love-Hewitt never took off her bra. And she didn't do **** either. Instead, the Great God of the WOW was awoken by the sound of trumpets, of anthems, of steel boots marching through the white streets of Stormwind. He was woken up by the sound of war.
Edited, Mon Jun 20 05:41:28 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Nooooo! You cant stop now!
Crap....well, back to work...sigh
Crap....well, back to work...sigh
Chapter 6,
or "How someone let the cows out (Moo!)"
"To all the Citizens of Stormwind,
Hear, hear! Someone has abducted the cows. By royal decree of our beloved, respected, holy, strong, powerful, clever, nice, and sexually active in a perfectly normal way, King Arthas, all men and women of fighting age (12-65) have been summoned to gather at the Central Market Place at 12h00 on Monday. This also applies to all the Garden Gnomes, who must abandon the rat-holes they were sleeping in, and join forces with us humans. The penalty for non-attendance at the said time and place is a summary execution of the non-compliant individual, as well as all his relatives and friends.
The army shall be divided into groups of five individual, which shall henceforth be named as "Parties", because they are fun. In each Party, there shall be a leader, which will give orders to other individuals in the Party. Any order not followed shall result in the summary execution of the non-compliant individual, as well as all his relatives and friends. Each leader of the party shall himself report to the leader of the overall army, henceforth named as "Raid". Any looting, pillaging, raping, or any other form of unnecessary violence shall be comprehensively rewarded.
The main of the raid is to find the cows, which appear to have been located on the other continent, and bring them home. Their freedom is our breakfast.
Our beloved, feared, respected, etc, King Arthas shall not be present due to arthiritis. The Raid leader will therefor be his pal, Mr. Adin.
Discipline brings freedom,
Violence brings peace,
Mindless agression brings respect.
Long live our eternal King Arthas (5 years)!
/bow
/knee
/praise"
..........................................
- "No, litte man. Pick up the axe like this, and aim for the tree."
The little guy picked the little axe in his tiny little hands. He pulled the axe above his head, and focused all his energies on aiming for the tree. His arms were trembling under the sheer weight of the doulbe-edged home-made weapon. But all he could see was the rope tied around his dad's neck, and hear the laughter of the crowd as the executioner kicked the chair under his feet. He remembered the crack of the neck breaking, and the sight of a purple tongue splurting out from between his dad's lips. With tears in his eyes, he threw the axe as hard as he could, and screamed all the air in his lungs. The tree split into two.
- "Well done little man. Now, you wanna try the bow or the shotgun?"
He remebered everything about that cold Septmeber day in Manchester. The "Northener-hunt" was in full flow, and his dad had been caught pissing in the street. He remebered the smile of the executioner as he took off his mask. The piercing eyes, revelling in the bloody glory of another succesful public execution. The crowds cheering, "Arthas, Arthas!!". Just the sound of that name made him feel sick.
- "Give me the shotgun."
His mum pulled out a massive double-barrell shotgun, and handed it out to the litte guy.
- "Here you go, Thrall."
.............................................
- "So, how do we get there?"
- "Well, there's a big boat that leaves every 10 minutes or so. We get on it, sing songs, tell jokes, and then get off when we arrive. From what I've heard, the cows were last seen west of the arrival point. Then we fight off any beasts that might be lurking there, rape, pillage, the usual boring stuff, capture the cows, and we should be home by tea-time. Easy-peasy. By the way, any idea where Darius is?"
- "He got summarily executed, as well as all his relatives and friends."
- "How come?!"
- "Mr Shaman overheard him say that the Northeners weren't that bad."
- ************* So how come you're still alive?"
- "They didn't know I was his friend."
- ********** me... Executing people when we're going to war is ******* stupid."
- "If they hear that, mate, we are both dead. And anyway, we're capturing cows, not invading Iran. I'm not even sure why we needed all these Parties. Seems a bit over-the-top. Ah well, as long as I'm not in a party with a Garden Gnome, I'll be ok."
- "Hehe, yeah... Stupid Garden Gnomes..."
And both men shared a heavy, almost forced laughter as they joined up with the rest of the raid on the harbour pier. Most of the troops were joking, shoving each other in the water, sharing knock-knock jokes, basically acting like 13-year olds on a school trip.
- "Good people of Stormwind!!", screamed Mr Shaman. "This...is OUR time!! OUR finest hour! Our quest is simple: [5]Recapture the Cows!! And if we stay organised and disciplined, we'll be home by tea, and have steaks for breakfast!!
Now, everyone had been designated a party, and a party-leader. For ****'s sake, please listen to them. Every party has a precise role, and we don't want the cows to run away from us! So stay tight, don't **** around, and everything will go well. And yes, the Parties ARE mixed. Garden Gnomes, despite their laughable appearance, and tiny weaners, have a role to play. Please, no discrimination. We are all equal in spirit, if not in genitals"
And the army cheered, and cheered again, and finally embarked on the boat.
.............................................
- "I'm not sure whether to take pity on a lonely King, or whether I should be laughing at a cowardly one..."
King Arthas jumped off the sofa, drew his sword, and turn around. Standing in front of him was the most beautiful lady he had ever seen. Straight blond-hairs were streaming down her perfect features, highlighting the piercing green eyes that were staring right through his eyes, and into his soul. She had delicate shoulders, plump breast, and a tiny waste from which two endless legs where showing through her see-through dress.
*********** me, you're fit!!"
The lady smiled. King Arthas put his sword down.
-"So, ladee, what can I do for you?"
-"I think the question should be the other way round", she smiled.
King Arthas, excited as teenager watching a girl undressf or the first time, began to open his zippers.
- "You ****-head", said the beautiful lady. "Not in that way. You need to prove your strength first. Staying home whilst your comrades are fighting seems slightly cowardly to me..."
- "Yeah, well, you know, arthiritis and ****, sooo painful, my legs, and my back... But I'm with them in spirit, I swear. Anyway, what do I need your help with? We have an army, a town, a nasty King, what more do humans need?"
- "Shouldn't the question be "What more do humans want?"
- "Yeah, maybe..." said King Arthas, and he sat back down.
There was an uncomfortable silence.
- "You freeking idiot, it was a rethorical question!! How ever you became King is beyond me..."
- "Mostly through ruthless violence..."
- "Ok, nevermind... Just take these seeds. They grow the "Flower-Power". Plant them, eat them, put them in cup-cakes, whatever. And your wishes will become reality."
- "Really? How come?"
- "Cos that's what they do. I made them myself. Just try it."
The Great King took the seeds, put them in a box which he hid under his bed, and kept one for himself.
- "Eat it", said the lady.
- "How do I know its not poisonous?"
- "Its up to you. Either try it and you'll know for sure, and stay in ignorance for the rest of your life."
The King pondered this proposition.
- "Can't we have sex before, so that if I die at least I'll have had a good time before?"
The lady smiled, clicked her fingers, and disppeared in a puff of smoke.
King Arthas just stayed there, staring at the seed... "What the hell", he thought as he swallowed the little grain.
Edited, Mon Jun 20 07:24:08 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
or "How someone let the cows out (Moo!)"
"To all the Citizens of Stormwind,
Hear, hear! Someone has abducted the cows. By royal decree of our beloved, respected, holy, strong, powerful, clever, nice, and sexually active in a perfectly normal way, King Arthas, all men and women of fighting age (12-65) have been summoned to gather at the Central Market Place at 12h00 on Monday. This also applies to all the Garden Gnomes, who must abandon the rat-holes they were sleeping in, and join forces with us humans. The penalty for non-attendance at the said time and place is a summary execution of the non-compliant individual, as well as all his relatives and friends.
The army shall be divided into groups of five individual, which shall henceforth be named as "Parties", because they are fun. In each Party, there shall be a leader, which will give orders to other individuals in the Party. Any order not followed shall result in the summary execution of the non-compliant individual, as well as all his relatives and friends. Each leader of the party shall himself report to the leader of the overall army, henceforth named as "Raid". Any looting, pillaging, raping, or any other form of unnecessary violence shall be comprehensively rewarded.
The main of the raid is to find the cows, which appear to have been located on the other continent, and bring them home. Their freedom is our breakfast.
Our beloved, feared, respected, etc, King Arthas shall not be present due to arthiritis. The Raid leader will therefor be his pal, Mr. Adin.
Discipline brings freedom,
Violence brings peace,
Mindless agression brings respect.
Long live our eternal King Arthas (5 years)!
/bow
/knee
/praise"
..........................................
- "No, litte man. Pick up the axe like this, and aim for the tree."
The little guy picked the little axe in his tiny little hands. He pulled the axe above his head, and focused all his energies on aiming for the tree. His arms were trembling under the sheer weight of the doulbe-edged home-made weapon. But all he could see was the rope tied around his dad's neck, and hear the laughter of the crowd as the executioner kicked the chair under his feet. He remembered the crack of the neck breaking, and the sight of a purple tongue splurting out from between his dad's lips. With tears in his eyes, he threw the axe as hard as he could, and screamed all the air in his lungs. The tree split into two.
- "Well done little man. Now, you wanna try the bow or the shotgun?"
He remebered everything about that cold Septmeber day in Manchester. The "Northener-hunt" was in full flow, and his dad had been caught pissing in the street. He remebered the smile of the executioner as he took off his mask. The piercing eyes, revelling in the bloody glory of another succesful public execution. The crowds cheering, "Arthas, Arthas!!". Just the sound of that name made him feel sick.
- "Give me the shotgun."
His mum pulled out a massive double-barrell shotgun, and handed it out to the litte guy.
- "Here you go, Thrall."
.............................................
- "So, how do we get there?"
- "Well, there's a big boat that leaves every 10 minutes or so. We get on it, sing songs, tell jokes, and then get off when we arrive. From what I've heard, the cows were last seen west of the arrival point. Then we fight off any beasts that might be lurking there, rape, pillage, the usual boring stuff, capture the cows, and we should be home by tea-time. Easy-peasy. By the way, any idea where Darius is?"
- "He got summarily executed, as well as all his relatives and friends."
- "How come?!"
- "Mr Shaman overheard him say that the Northeners weren't that bad."
- ************* So how come you're still alive?"
- "They didn't know I was his friend."
- ********** me... Executing people when we're going to war is ******* stupid."
- "If they hear that, mate, we are both dead. And anyway, we're capturing cows, not invading Iran. I'm not even sure why we needed all these Parties. Seems a bit over-the-top. Ah well, as long as I'm not in a party with a Garden Gnome, I'll be ok."
- "Hehe, yeah... Stupid Garden Gnomes..."
And both men shared a heavy, almost forced laughter as they joined up with the rest of the raid on the harbour pier. Most of the troops were joking, shoving each other in the water, sharing knock-knock jokes, basically acting like 13-year olds on a school trip.
- "Good people of Stormwind!!", screamed Mr Shaman. "This...is OUR time!! OUR finest hour! Our quest is simple: [5]Recapture the Cows!! And if we stay organised and disciplined, we'll be home by tea, and have steaks for breakfast!!
Now, everyone had been designated a party, and a party-leader. For ****'s sake, please listen to them. Every party has a precise role, and we don't want the cows to run away from us! So stay tight, don't **** around, and everything will go well. And yes, the Parties ARE mixed. Garden Gnomes, despite their laughable appearance, and tiny weaners, have a role to play. Please, no discrimination. We are all equal in spirit, if not in genitals"
And the army cheered, and cheered again, and finally embarked on the boat.
.............................................
- "I'm not sure whether to take pity on a lonely King, or whether I should be laughing at a cowardly one..."
King Arthas jumped off the sofa, drew his sword, and turn around. Standing in front of him was the most beautiful lady he had ever seen. Straight blond-hairs were streaming down her perfect features, highlighting the piercing green eyes that were staring right through his eyes, and into his soul. She had delicate shoulders, plump breast, and a tiny waste from which two endless legs where showing through her see-through dress.
*********** me, you're fit!!"
The lady smiled. King Arthas put his sword down.
-"So, ladee, what can I do for you?"
-"I think the question should be the other way round", she smiled.
King Arthas, excited as teenager watching a girl undressf or the first time, began to open his zippers.
- "You ****-head", said the beautiful lady. "Not in that way. You need to prove your strength first. Staying home whilst your comrades are fighting seems slightly cowardly to me..."
- "Yeah, well, you know, arthiritis and ****, sooo painful, my legs, and my back... But I'm with them in spirit, I swear. Anyway, what do I need your help with? We have an army, a town, a nasty King, what more do humans need?"
- "Shouldn't the question be "What more do humans want?"
- "Yeah, maybe..." said King Arthas, and he sat back down.
There was an uncomfortable silence.
- "You freeking idiot, it was a rethorical question!! How ever you became King is beyond me..."
- "Mostly through ruthless violence..."
- "Ok, nevermind... Just take these seeds. They grow the "Flower-Power". Plant them, eat them, put them in cup-cakes, whatever. And your wishes will become reality."
- "Really? How come?"
- "Cos that's what they do. I made them myself. Just try it."
The Great King took the seeds, put them in a box which he hid under his bed, and kept one for himself.
- "Eat it", said the lady.
- "How do I know its not poisonous?"
- "Its up to you. Either try it and you'll know for sure, and stay in ignorance for the rest of your life."
The King pondered this proposition.
- "Can't we have sex before, so that if I die at least I'll have had a good time before?"
The lady smiled, clicked her fingers, and disppeared in a puff of smoke.
King Arthas just stayed there, staring at the seed... "What the hell", he thought as he swallowed the little grain.
Edited, Mon Jun 20 07:24:08 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
Message has high abuse count and will not be displayed.
Chapter 8,
or "How even one mosquito can **** off the Dalai-Lama"
- "Piece of cake", said Illidan.
- "Walk in park", replied the Garden Gnome
- "Like shooting fish in a barrel", said Revol.
- "Any more?" asked Illidan.
- "Erm, nope, that's enough metaphors for now", said the Garden gnome.
- "Like kicking a Gnome over the church tower?", smiled Revol.
- "**** off... Now let's get on with getting the cows back"
All the raid members were waiting, anticipating the final battle shout from Adin. They were all standing in disorganised lines, trying to be forward enough to get some action, but back enough not to get killed if anything went wrong. This resulted in a lot of moving back and forth, shoving, stepping on feet, insults, and general unrest. The tension was high, as each one could feel the adrenaline pumping, the blood running in their veins, the stinking wind breathing through their hair, and the foul stench of war.
- "I don't remember cows stinking that bad" said Illidan.
And, as the fog finally lifted, they saw a horde of gigantic cows, armed to the teeth, waiting for them in a similarly disorganised line. In between the giant cows stood other human-like warriors. The cows were stomping the ground with trunks of trees, and smoke was coming out of the ground. They, just like the humans, were waiting for the final signal. They, unlike the humans, felt absolutely no fear. A little greenish boy, covered in tatoos and piercings, stepped forward, glancing across the human front-line, seemingly looking for someone. He let-out a deafening battle cry, and threw his axe furiously into the human mass. It landed straight into the skull of Revol, splitting his head into two, spraying blood from his neck like a fountain. A few humans tried to step back wiping the bits of brain from their helmets.
- ********** me" said Illidan. "This little guy is..."
But before Illidan could finish his sentence, the wave of Taurens and Northeners charged towards the human mass, hurling axes, firing arrows, throwing trunks of trees into the trembling infantry of the human army.
- "Charge, just... charge" said Mr Adin, but his voice was barely audible amongst the thundering sound of the advancing horde, which crashed on the human shields like a tsunami wave. Amidst all the chaos, the little Thrall, who had just turned 9 yesterday, was killing at will, using his axe to crush the skulls of the humans, like an impressionist artist wielding a paintbrush. He would rip humans into two, turn round and plant his bow into the eyes of a priest, bite the genitals of approaching comrades, let out raoring battle screams, grab swords on the grounds, and continue to plough through the disintegrating flesh.
- "This little guy is unbelievable" said Illidan, one of the few humans to hold his own against the infuriated Taurens.
The humans were not just **** scared. They were outnumbered, and did not have proper weapons. They had come here to capture cows, kill a boar, and maybe a crocolisk. No one had expected this carnage. No one had heard of those tauren warriors wielding gigantic maces, stomping on Garden Gnomes, impaling whatever heads they could find on thick branches. The blood, the fury, the death... The humans didnt stand a chance. Badly prepared, badly organised, General Adin tried to tell his troups to retreat.
- "Run away, run away" shouted the general Adin as most of the humans began to drop their weapon and run for their lives. A few got eaten by giant Kodos on the way, or the Hyenas, which had been attracted by the smell of death. Illidan grabed his mate the Garden Gnome by the scruff of the neck, stuck him on his shoulders, and legged it. "Thanks mate", was all the Garden Gnome could muster as he watched the remaining humans getting slowly slaughtered. Just like an abattoir...
- "Keep him alive", said Cairne pointing at Mr. Shaman. "We might need him."
When the dust finally settled, the sight was not a pretty one. Dismembered bodies all over the place, the barren landscape covered in a pool of blood, and the foul smell of rotting corpses on the ground.
- "Take him back to Thunder Bluff" said Cairne.
- "No," said a little voice behind him. "We want him in Orgrimmar. You can have him afterwards."
Cairne looked down on the little Thrall, himself drenched in blood from head to toes, with little bits of brain hanging from his mouth.
- "You look good, Thrall. Well done" said Cairne as he handed him Mr Shaman.
And whilst the Tauren army did an improvised victory chant, which comprised mostly of a succession of "Mooooooos", the Northeners headed back to Orgrimmar. Cairne grabbed Thrall by the shoulder.
- "Just wanted to say thanks for the help, mate."
Thrall looked at him with a smile.
- "My pleasure" replied Thrall, and then turned away, heading for the Northern city, whilst the human on his shoulder pretended to be asleep.
..................................................
- "So is this what war is like, then?"
- "Nah", replied the little fellow, "that's what a massacre is like. Wars usually last longer."
- "It sucks", said the Great God of the WOW. "That ******* Cairne, man... He got me when I was well-stoned, I had no idea they would turn out like this."
- "It's not you man, it's those seeds."
- "What seeds?"
- "The dragon. It came, and planted seeds near their house. She did the same for the Northeners. The plants that grew out of them were all freaky and colourful and had a weird smell. All the animals ate them, the taurens ate some too, and the Northeners made tea out of them."
- "How do you know all this?"
- "Cos I saw Arthas. And I saw the barren land. And then I saw the plants."
- "And you even ate one?"
- "Yep. And I got the one wish. Thats the deal, you get one wish. So the animals wanted to defend themselves better. And Arthas wanted to be the greatest warrior ever. But the Northeners and the Taurens were more clever. As soon as they figured that out, they divided the plants, and kept them. They seperated the powers into groups. See, those plants dont reproduce. Whether you eat them, or leave them in the wild, they die eventually. So basically, there is a limited number of them."
- "So what did the Taurens do?"
- "They are keeping them until they know what Arthas does with his."
- "What? This is so screwed up... I thought Arthas ate his?"
- "He did, but he's got more."
- "More what?"
- "More seeds."
- "Oh right. And...what is the problem with them again?"
- "For ****'s sake God, quit smoking so much weed and listen. Pay attention. Your little sister gave some seeds to Arthas, and planted some in the barren lands, and then... ah **** it, you figure out, man. Send me back down, Arthas is gonna have a surprise soon, and he'll need a reasonable voice near him."
..........................................
- "So, you are the spiritual leader of the humans?" asked Thrall.
- "Yeah, kinda" replied Shaman.
- "I'm listening" said Thrall.
- "What do you wanna know?"
- "Everything, my friend... Absolutely everything", smiled Thrall. "but don't worry, we have all the time in the world..."
- "You know" said Mr. Shaman, as Thrall was walking away "you Northeners are not as bad as I feared. I though I would've been gang-raped with a broomstick by now."
Thrall turned around and smiled.
- "We are not Northeners anymore. We never liked that word. It's not ours, it's demeaning and inaccurate. In WOW, we are O.R.C.s"
- "Orcs?"
- "Organisation for Rotting Corpses. Its a dog-eat-dog world, my friend..."
Edited, Tue Jun 21 11:30:28 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
or "How even one mosquito can **** off the Dalai-Lama"
- "Piece of cake", said Illidan.
- "Walk in park", replied the Garden Gnome
- "Like shooting fish in a barrel", said Revol.
- "Any more?" asked Illidan.
- "Erm, nope, that's enough metaphors for now", said the Garden gnome.
- "Like kicking a Gnome over the church tower?", smiled Revol.
- "**** off... Now let's get on with getting the cows back"
All the raid members were waiting, anticipating the final battle shout from Adin. They were all standing in disorganised lines, trying to be forward enough to get some action, but back enough not to get killed if anything went wrong. This resulted in a lot of moving back and forth, shoving, stepping on feet, insults, and general unrest. The tension was high, as each one could feel the adrenaline pumping, the blood running in their veins, the stinking wind breathing through their hair, and the foul stench of war.
- "I don't remember cows stinking that bad" said Illidan.
And, as the fog finally lifted, they saw a horde of gigantic cows, armed to the teeth, waiting for them in a similarly disorganised line. In between the giant cows stood other human-like warriors. The cows were stomping the ground with trunks of trees, and smoke was coming out of the ground. They, just like the humans, were waiting for the final signal. They, unlike the humans, felt absolutely no fear. A little greenish boy, covered in tatoos and piercings, stepped forward, glancing across the human front-line, seemingly looking for someone. He let-out a deafening battle cry, and threw his axe furiously into the human mass. It landed straight into the skull of Revol, splitting his head into two, spraying blood from his neck like a fountain. A few humans tried to step back wiping the bits of brain from their helmets.
- ********** me" said Illidan. "This little guy is..."
But before Illidan could finish his sentence, the wave of Taurens and Northeners charged towards the human mass, hurling axes, firing arrows, throwing trunks of trees into the trembling infantry of the human army.
- "Charge, just... charge" said Mr Adin, but his voice was barely audible amongst the thundering sound of the advancing horde, which crashed on the human shields like a tsunami wave. Amidst all the chaos, the little Thrall, who had just turned 9 yesterday, was killing at will, using his axe to crush the skulls of the humans, like an impressionist artist wielding a paintbrush. He would rip humans into two, turn round and plant his bow into the eyes of a priest, bite the genitals of approaching comrades, let out raoring battle screams, grab swords on the grounds, and continue to plough through the disintegrating flesh.
- "This little guy is unbelievable" said Illidan, one of the few humans to hold his own against the infuriated Taurens.
The humans were not just **** scared. They were outnumbered, and did not have proper weapons. They had come here to capture cows, kill a boar, and maybe a crocolisk. No one had expected this carnage. No one had heard of those tauren warriors wielding gigantic maces, stomping on Garden Gnomes, impaling whatever heads they could find on thick branches. The blood, the fury, the death... The humans didnt stand a chance. Badly prepared, badly organised, General Adin tried to tell his troups to retreat.
- "Run away, run away" shouted the general Adin as most of the humans began to drop their weapon and run for their lives. A few got eaten by giant Kodos on the way, or the Hyenas, which had been attracted by the smell of death. Illidan grabed his mate the Garden Gnome by the scruff of the neck, stuck him on his shoulders, and legged it. "Thanks mate", was all the Garden Gnome could muster as he watched the remaining humans getting slowly slaughtered. Just like an abattoir...
- "Keep him alive", said Cairne pointing at Mr. Shaman. "We might need him."
When the dust finally settled, the sight was not a pretty one. Dismembered bodies all over the place, the barren landscape covered in a pool of blood, and the foul smell of rotting corpses on the ground.
- "Take him back to Thunder Bluff" said Cairne.
- "No," said a little voice behind him. "We want him in Orgrimmar. You can have him afterwards."
Cairne looked down on the little Thrall, himself drenched in blood from head to toes, with little bits of brain hanging from his mouth.
- "You look good, Thrall. Well done" said Cairne as he handed him Mr Shaman.
And whilst the Tauren army did an improvised victory chant, which comprised mostly of a succession of "Mooooooos", the Northeners headed back to Orgrimmar. Cairne grabbed Thrall by the shoulder.
- "Just wanted to say thanks for the help, mate."
Thrall looked at him with a smile.
- "My pleasure" replied Thrall, and then turned away, heading for the Northern city, whilst the human on his shoulder pretended to be asleep.
..................................................
- "So is this what war is like, then?"
- "Nah", replied the little fellow, "that's what a massacre is like. Wars usually last longer."
- "It sucks", said the Great God of the WOW. "That ******* Cairne, man... He got me when I was well-stoned, I had no idea they would turn out like this."
- "It's not you man, it's those seeds."
- "What seeds?"
- "The dragon. It came, and planted seeds near their house. She did the same for the Northeners. The plants that grew out of them were all freaky and colourful and had a weird smell. All the animals ate them, the taurens ate some too, and the Northeners made tea out of them."
- "How do you know all this?"
- "Cos I saw Arthas. And I saw the barren land. And then I saw the plants."
- "And you even ate one?"
- "Yep. And I got the one wish. Thats the deal, you get one wish. So the animals wanted to defend themselves better. And Arthas wanted to be the greatest warrior ever. But the Northeners and the Taurens were more clever. As soon as they figured that out, they divided the plants, and kept them. They seperated the powers into groups. See, those plants dont reproduce. Whether you eat them, or leave them in the wild, they die eventually. So basically, there is a limited number of them."
- "So what did the Taurens do?"
- "They are keeping them until they know what Arthas does with his."
- "What? This is so screwed up... I thought Arthas ate his?"
- "He did, but he's got more."
- "More what?"
- "More seeds."
- "Oh right. And...what is the problem with them again?"
- "For ****'s sake God, quit smoking so much weed and listen. Pay attention. Your little sister gave some seeds to Arthas, and planted some in the barren lands, and then... ah **** it, you figure out, man. Send me back down, Arthas is gonna have a surprise soon, and he'll need a reasonable voice near him."
..........................................
- "So, you are the spiritual leader of the humans?" asked Thrall.
- "Yeah, kinda" replied Shaman.
- "I'm listening" said Thrall.
- "What do you wanna know?"
- "Everything, my friend... Absolutely everything", smiled Thrall. "but don't worry, we have all the time in the world..."
- "You know" said Mr. Shaman, as Thrall was walking away "you Northeners are not as bad as I feared. I though I would've been gang-raped with a broomstick by now."
Thrall turned around and smiled.
- "We are not Northeners anymore. We never liked that word. It's not ours, it's demeaning and inaccurate. In WOW, we are O.R.C.s"
- "Orcs?"
- "Organisation for Rotting Corpses. Its a dog-eat-dog world, my friend..."
Edited, Tue Jun 21 11:30:28 2005 by RedPhoenixxxxxx
/clap /bravo/ bow /salute
...totally awesome dude, keep em coming,i wanna see how NE and UD are made(UD obviously are probly just...undead humans)
...totally awesome dude, keep em coming,i wanna see how NE and UD are made(UD obviously are probly just...undead humans)
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That is some awesome stuff pheonix. I swear a shed a single tear when arthas grabbed "Little Fellow"....
/bump because I want to.
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