Let's level, adventurers...Follow

All right, listen up. You can call me Pissed-off Mountain. I am a Galka proudly serving Bastok as a 2nd Legion Grenadier with my fellow Galkan brothers under our tough-as-nails commander, Striking Bull. Curious as to why a bunch of upstart punks calling themselves "adventurers" has decided to butt into this horrible mess of a conflict, I found a ****-ant Hume Paladin adventurer named Caes after a recent battle on the Derfland Front, knocked his *** out, and looted through his personal stuff where I found this odd kind of Linkshell, amongst other things (including a femina subligar that he was wearing and... nevermind, I don't want to talk about it or how I discovered it.)

So anyway, I'm trying to figure out what makes you think you're so damn high and mighty. So you want to fight the turtlebacks all by yourself to show you're big boys and girls? Fine with me! We only go out of our way to fight them if they come too close. We could care less about the fort, but if Striking Bull catches one of us slacking... Well, he has more uses for his axe than mindlessly chucking it at his enemies, all right? Not to mention sometimes he makes us charge our fat asses out to meet their shelled fat asses. You think we enjoy running? Or moving, period?

We only walk around the fort to make it look like we're doing something productive.

But let me cut to the meat and popotos, adventurers.

Stop asking your pagan "SE" gods to "nerf" us and make us weaker for whatever dumb *** benefit you see fit. You're the ones who butted into our war that you don't even care about. Just yesterday an adventurer passed by our post in North Gustaberg. Striking Bull told him we expected another wave to hit. What does he say? "Umm, sorry. Bubbly Bernie popped. Linkshell needs me, gtg lol." What the hell do "gtg" and "lol" even mean? I can barely even pronounce them!

Yet dozens upon dozens of you will swarm a single fort in Rolanberry Fields for Altana knows what reason and insist on fighting every last turtleback yourselves, and for what? Glory? You know the Beastmen aren't quite so stupid as to only attack one place, right?

So I asked a Tarutaru adventurer the other day why exactly he insisted on participating. You know what the smarmy ******* said? "For the experience." The hell? This is not some job training seminar! This is not summer camp! This is WAR! Some moronic Mithra piped up with, "And limits, too." Limits? What? A limit on your lifespan, maybe?

On top of that, some of you are demanding you be allowed to train with some type of weapon or another that you can barely even hold in your hands! How the hell do you people keep propagating? Bringing a weapon you suck with to a battle as opposed to, I don't know.. spending some time to learn how to use it elsewhere!! What the hell is the brass at HQ thinking letting morons like you join the war effort?

You think this is such a glorious life? Do you really want to put in the time that we, the Galka of the 2nd Legion Grenadiers, do? You want to know what we get for fighting? Striking Bull doesn't lie. We get stale army biscuits, the wonderful job of rebuilding the fort after the battle, and absolutely no respect. Why, just yesterday one of those spikey-headed Hume pricks from the 2nd Legion asked me, "So, like, are you some kind of a dog or something?"

Oh, and we don't get just any kind of stale army biscuits. The "brilliant engineers" back in the Metalworks have cooked up a really special home blend full of love and sprinkles. And about 150% steroids, what I can only assume is a grown male wyvern's privates, and not a single trace of ecstasy. Oh, sure, it buffs us the hell up, but the next trip to the bathroom is far from a bathroom "break." That's where the real fighting occurs.

I have noticed other topics of interest around here such as why there are no toilets widely across Vana'diel. How cute... do you want to know why? Because after those biscuits, we do not use the restroom. No, the lucky ones just explode at some point and die instantly. Why do you think Galka tend to be so angry? That ****'s in our blood. No, not the anger. The freaking biscuits!!

The only reason they're desparately seeking adventurers like you is to fill in for pansy-*** draft dodgers like Zopago. Oh man, he gives me the creeps. He always talks about how much he loves Chocobos, and that creepy vacant stare of his when he does... Let me say this; if he does end up working for the stables in ten or twenty years like he dreams, I really hope they don't let him handle the Chocobos. Especially the young ones. He would give them the wrong kind of "special attention."

So, in short, adventurers... **** off and quit complaining or have a tasty ******* biscuit.

Awesome.

You gotta admit, from an NPC's PoV, we kinda suck. :(

I applaud the creativity! This was a well written and enjoyable post to read.

Made my day :D Well done well done!

I want more!!! I wanna hear from an Npc in windy =D

10/10
Would read again.

Nominated for sticky btw ^ ^

Lmfao, that's awesome. I was laughing so hard at the bathroom part.

Rate up

Rate up, GG mate. :)