BLM vs all other jobs - who would win in a bar fight?Follow

I saw a post in the MNK forum about who would win a bar brawl between a MNK and all the other jobs. Guess what? That poster had MNK winning them all. :P

So I thought I would do a similar post about BLM. (Note, this post is just a bit of fun and not meant to be a nasty swipe at other jobs.)

Although BLM is my main job, I have a MNK mule and also enjoy levelling other jobs like SMN and DRG etc.



The fights take place in a rough pub in a run down neighbourhood somewhere...


The first fight is BLM vs WAR

WAR runs out of the toilet where he's been getting changed into his gear, screaming "I AM THE BEST TANK - FEEL MY HATE!!" and launches his attack against the BLM. Sadly, in his haste to PROVOKE, he targets a nearby drug addict instead who immediately starts stabbing him with a dirty needle. WAR shrieks in disgust and is last seen racing in the direction of the nearest sexual diseases clinic in search of a blood test...

Outcome - BLM wins by default


Second fight is BLM vs MNK

MNK comes out of the changing room slowly and moves menacingly towards BLM. Striking an impressive looking martial arts stance, he beckons the BLM to come to him. BLM looks at MNK and starts casting Blind. MNK is blinded but seems not to care. "Foolish BLM", he hisses. "My body is trained to perfection, my senses tuned to heights you cannot imagine. I may be blinded but I have 4 more senses which will serve me well."

So saying, MNK swings at the BLM who ducks and walks over to the bar and takes a seat.

"Stupid BLM" mouths the MNK to a plant pot in the corner of the room. "You cannot avoid the inevitable."

Swinging his fists, MNK proceeds to punch the plant out of its pot. Realising his mistake, he turns and aims a crescent kick at a hat stand which goes flying across the room. Meanwhile BLM orders himself a martini and sips it as MNK proceeds to destroy most of the furniture in the room.

Sensing that his Blind is about to run out, BLM calls over to MNK, "Over here!!".

"Aha!" gloats MNK, readying a WS to finish off his prey.

"Prepare to DIE", MNK yells as he takes a flying kick at BLM, moving so quickly, he is merely a blur.

BLM, however, having already taken 3 steps to the right, just stands and watches as MNK flies straight through the window and lands on the ground, 2 stories below, his body laying in a broken, crumpled heap. An ambulance is called.

Outcome - BLM wins by knockout


Third fight is BLM vs RDM

RDM comes out to start the fight and proceeds to cast Dia at BLM, yelling something about her being the best spell casting DD in the world. Half way through, she interrupts her own casting to pull out her sword and wave it at BLM yelling something about being the best melee fighter in the world.

She begins an aggressive run at the BLM, swinging the sword wildly but before she gets to him, she takes out a projectile and starts to throw it at him yelling something about being the best puller in the world.

Before she can release the projectile, however, she changes her mind and starts casting sneak on herself, shouting something about being the best healer in the game.

"You're going DOWN" she yells at the BLM, waving her arms around wildly. Unfortunately, as she does, she knocks her handbag off the nearby table spilling everything onto the floor. Swords, shields, healing spells, DD spells, a packet of tissues, enfeebling spells, Swiss army knife, a paper-back copy of 'Multi-skilling for Dummies', a spare tunic, a harness and the rest of her junk go splattering all over the pub floor. "Oh crap", she mumbles, "Not again" as she gets on her knees and scrabbles under tables trying to clear up the mess.

Outcome - Time elapses and BLM wins by count out


Fourth fight is BLM vs DRK


DRK looks menacing and evil as he towers over BLM at the start of the fight. Looking intimidating and dangerous, DRK stares impassively ahead as the referee calls for the fight to start.

"I'm a black mage too!!" squeaks the DRK in a surprisingly high pitched girly voice and starts to cast Stone. BLM smiles and nods and whips out his Onion Club, taking aim and smacking the DRK once on the chin before DRK gets a chance to finish casting.

"URGH!!", says DRK and spins around, collapsing to the floor unconscious, a pool of blood already beginning to appear under his face. The ambulance has arrived for MNK and it also takes DRK away too.

Outcome - BLM wins by knockout


Fifth fight is BLM vs THF

The fight starts and the two combatants start circling each other. BLM stops circling but THF continues. So BLM carries on again.

"What are you doing?!" yells someone from the crowd?

"Just need to get myself behind him then he's all mine", replies THF.

BLM just carries on turning round and THF keeps circling with him. Finally after 5 minutes non-stop of this, BLM stops. THF tries to position herself behind BLM but is so dizzy from circling, she can't help herself and staggers, tripping over one of RDM's inflatable life preservers, banging her head on a table edge and knocking herself out cold.

Outcome - BLM wins by knockout


Sixth fight is BLM vs DRG


Waiving the 'no pets' rule, DRG and his pet dragon line up opposite BLM and the referee calls for the fight to start. Deciding that the best tactic would be to end things early, the DRG, readies JUMP. Soaring upwards with his needle sharp polearm, he aims to come down on BLM like the proverbial ton of bricks.

Sadly, and rather distressingly for all those watching, DRG proceeds to initiate jump and soar upwards, seemingly unaware that his beloved pet is just above him. Jumping upwards, DRG spears the wyvern through the heart and carries on upwards impaling it on the ceiling. Aghast at what he's done and not paying attention, DRG comes back down to earth landing awkwardly, going over on his ankle and writhes around on the floor in agony looking up at his impaled pet which disappears for the next 2 hours. With no dragon and a broken ankle, DRG cannot continue and the referee throws the towel in at a time of 12 seconds.

Outcome - BLM wins by retirement


Just before the 7th fight is due to start, the phone rings. It's the hospital. DRK has sustained a broken jawbone, 2 cheek fractures and a ruptured eye socket from the clubbing blow and will be out of action for at least 8 months.


Seventh fight is BLM vs BRD


The referee calls for the fight to begin. BLM lines up but BRD is still at the bar, snoozing face down in a puddle of beer. Someone taps him on the shoulder and he staggers to his feet, lurching over to BLM and putting his arm around him. Speaking through breath that shouldn't be allowed within 50 feet of a naked flame, he slurringly tells BLM that BLM is his bestest friend and can he lend him a tenner for the taxi home"? BLM reminds BRD that they are here to fight and BRD suddenly becomes aggressive taking up his fighting stance.

The fight starts and Bard whips out his trumpet. The pub landlord reminds BRD that there are children present and Bard reluctantly zips up his flies and puts it away again.

BLM decides to let BRD get in the first blow as he is obviously drunk. BRD takes out his cornette and starts playing a tune. BLM just watches. "Bet you're shipping your pants now" slurs BRD. "That was just for starters!" "Putting his cornette away, BRD whips out another instrument and starts playing. "HAHA, My defence is now stronger than yours", he gloats at the BLM who just stands and scratches his head.

"Now for THIS", yells BRD, whipping out another instrument and playing another song. "Why does he keep playing the exact same tune?" someone in the crowd murmurs.

"Now my attack is stronger too!" yells the BRD

20 minutes, 4 instruments, 15 songs (all sounding the same) later, the BRD hasn't actually landed a blow and people are beginning to fidget.

Outcome - The referee disqualifies the BRD for negative tactics and awards BLM the victory. BRD seems not to hear and carries on playing his tune.


Eighth fight is BLM vs NIN

BLM lines up to start the fight and after a wait of a couple of minutes, NIN shuffles rather embarrassingly from the changing room, naked except for his underwear.

The room erupts into laughter and NIN stands there with his hands over his privates.

"Couldn't afford any gear", he mumbles, turning bright red. The laughing gets louder and NIN eventually can't stand it any more, fleeing from the room, trying to cover his backside and his privates at once.

Outcome - BLM wins by default


Ninth fight is BLM vs PLD


PLD lines up across from BLM, looking impressive in his all white regalia. The fight starts and the two combatants eye each other up. (From under a table across the room, the faint sounds of, "I'm the best Hide and Seeker in the world!" can be heard).

PLD unsheathes his weapon and BLM looks through his spells deciding which to cast. PLD advances towards BLM with noble dignity to begin his attack when from the doorway erupts a speeding bullet in human form, heading straight for PLD.

It's WAR, back from the clinic, diving head first at PLD screaming "I'M THE BEST TANK, NOT YOU!!!". The two fighters roll around on the floor until they come to a stop, with WAR on top. As his axes were confiscated at the clinic, WAR has no weapon and not being skilled at any martial art, he proceeds to turn his head away and slap at PLD with both hands.

PLD pushes him off in disgust and gets to his feet to continue the fight with BLM. As he stands up, PLD looks down and notices a big black mark down the side of his body armour. "ARRGGHH!" screams PLD at WAR. "See what you did? You got me all DIRTY!!!"

Pushing WAR out the way, PLD runs to the bathroom where he grabs a handful of towels and spends the next half an hour trying to get the dirty mark off his outfit.

Outcome - BLM wins by count out.


Tenth fight is BLM vs WHM

WHM comes out looking a bit reluctant. "I'm a healer not a fighter", she says. BLM acknowledges the truth behind this and they decide to settle this fight with an arm wrestle instead to make it fairer. The arm-wrestle starts and both combatants push their hardest. Sadly, as neither of them have any upper arm strength, no one gains an advantage and the audience are treated to the rather boring sight of two mages holding hands for the next 15 minutes.

Finally they agree to call it a draw and WHM buys BLM a drink to show there are no hard feelings.

Outcome - Draw


Eleventh fight is BLM vs RNG

RNG lines up across BLM. "You fear me", RNG says, looking BLM directly in the eye. "Not anymore", replies BLM. "Not after your nerf".

"My 'nerf' has been greatly exaggerated", replies RNG. "I am still the most potent DD in the world and I will prove it now. FEEL THE WRATH OF MY ARROWS!!"

So saying, RNG proceeds to put an arrow to his bow and pull back the string. Before BLM has time to cast a spell, RNG fires an arrow and hits BLM directly between the eyes.

BLM sighs, reaches up and pulls off the sucker arrow, leaving a cup shaped red mark still on his forehead.

"I WARNED YOU!!" shrieks RNG, pulling out a crossbolt and aiming it at BLM. He pulls back the trigger and a little banner unfurls saying 'BANG!'.

"HAD ENOUGH YET?!" screams RNG.

BLM sighs again and points to a poster on the wall. 'Hambledon Green Amateur Dramatics Society is now casting for the part of Robin Hood in its upcoming production by the same name'.

"Ye Gods!" exclaims RNG. "My destiny is there waiting to be fulfilled!". Leaping from the room, he disappears, leaving BLM to reflect on another easy victory as BRD plays the same damn tune for the 172nd time that night.

Outcome - BLM wins by count out


Twelfth fight is BLM vs SMN


Again, waiving the no pets rule, SMN lines up across from BLM and casts Carbuncle, eager to start the fight.

As soon as Carby appears, all the women and children in the room rush to pet him, leaving SMN alone to face BLM.

BLM walks slowly towards SMN. SMN smiles nervously and looks over at Carbuncle who is currently on his back having his tummy tickled. SMN takes out his wax sword and pokes it at BLM who casts Firaga and melts it. SMN stands there for a second holding a singed sword handle before turning and fleeing the room yelling something about trading in Carby for a Doberman.

Outcome - BLM wins by count out


Thirteenth fight is BLM vs SAM


The referee calls for the fight to start and SAM lines up across from BLM. "I will show you the awesome power of the Renkei", intones SAM. The referee calls for the fight to start.

SAM looks at BLM. "Perhaps I will begin with Fragmentation. Did you know there are 5 different ways I can do Fragmentation? Or perhaps I will show you the power of Gravitation. Did you know there are 5 ways I can do Gravitation too? Let's see, I can do it with staff or a sword and OH! I remember one guy who I did it with who had a spear and...."

BLM struggles to cast sleep before the SAM's droning has the same effect. When cast, BLM takes SAM's Great Katana and throws it out the window, replacing it with the scythe DRK dropped earlier.

Going to the bathroom to relieve himself, BLM comes back just as SAM's sleep wears off. SAM opens his eyes and sees a scythe in his hand. "What is this illusion?", says SAM? No matter. With or without my trusty Katana, I will perform a skillchain on my own and defeat this treacherous opponent!

So saying, SAM steps forward and swings wildly with the Scythe. Sadly, not able to use any weapon except a Great Katana, SAM misses BLM by a mile and nearly lops his own head off, giving himself a bad haircut in the process. Holding his hands over his head, SAM, runs from the room in disgrace muttering something about he'll be back with the power of the level 3 skillchain.

Outcome - BLM wins by count out


Fourteenth and Final Fight - BLM vs BST

Sickened by sights of impaled dragons and hordes of goo-gooing women and children over a radioactive squirrel, the landlord upholds the 'No pets' rule and bans BST from bringing any in.

Leaving BST virtually defenceless, BLM decides it won't be a fair fight and offers to defer it to another day. BST appears to agree but as BLM turns to leave for the night, BST, turns his attention to a goldfish bowl in the corner of the room. "ATTACK!!!", screams the BST charming the goldfish inside.

Instantly the fish leaps out of the bowl in the direction of the BLM who watches as it flops on the floor in front of him, dying of suffocation. BLM looks at BST. BST looks embarrassed. BLM motions for BST to put the fish back. BST puts the fish back. BLM walks towards BST to finish him off. BST suddenly clutches his leg, exclaiming that his old war wound is playing up. The referee steps in and declares BLM the winner.

Outcome - BLM wins by retirement.


So that's it. 14 fights - 14 wins for BLM. The crowd roars its approval and BLM smiles, having hardly broken a sweat. He turns and bows to his admirers and waves, happy to have proven who is top dog.

BLM turns to leave but as he does, the lights go out and the room is plunged into darkness. Over the PA system, the referee's voice can be heard..

"We have one final challenger"

A spotlight focuses on the doorway and into the light steps someone who looks like an Arabian Smurf.

"You have no right to call yourself king of fighters until you have faced me", whispers the stranger, stepping fully into view. There is only room for one dominant mage in this town and it isn't a black, white or red one."

"Yes, I am Blue Mage and now we will see what your black spells can do. Cast them wisely my friend, because I will take them from you and use them on you"

In the distance the referee can be heard...

"Seconds out, ROUND 1...."

Very humerous post but you might want to check your math again.

13-0-1 is what it looked like to me.

and yes, I swear Warriors love getting my armor all smudged up.




Edited, Mon Nov 7 18:58:31 2005 by Dahlgren

*groan*


(ok, so i laughed too)

ok.

Well, the WHM was really a win for BLM too but they get on well so he let her have the draw...

:P

As funny as this was, the way that the MNK one went was mostly via JA's and JT's for the wins. As much as I know this post will get karma bombed into oblivion:



Why is he gonna run? {Resist Virus} FTW!




He doesn't care because {Chakra} cures Blind.

Also:

BLM has the relative evasion of a barn...even blind the MNK would hit him. ^^



{Hide} {Do you need it?}




Of course, the BLM could just ES Sleepga II, Manafont and then Thundaga 3, Firaga 3 the entire place to dust, but how much fun is that, really? ;)

Rigghhhtttt a blm beat a smn, you wish you could do that.

Smn vs blm <---(very weak)

Smn walks into the bar with carby by his side.
The blm gets up from the table in the middle of the bar and orders everyone out. No one listens and the blm starts casting AC. *5 minutes later everyone still looks at the blm wondering if he gonna cats the spell. The smn makes carby attack the blm and he interupts him. Then the blm 2hr (which does not damage wise..) The smn also 2hr's and carby searing light dissenterates the blm. and the smn take a seat at the bar and or some milk.. ^^

I think BST would pwn all, because they have a charm ability. And if you ever heard the phrase "Went to bed with a ten at two, but woke up with a two at ten" would know why charm wouldn't fail on anybody in a bar.

Sure it was biased, but man, that was hilarious. So many great parts. Nice job.

In every fight:

Blm casts Warp 2 on opponent

Blm wins every fight by default >_>

Thank altana for the no pets rule.

I've seen the BLM vs BST fight in ballista so many times.

BST calls a tiger familiar
Invisible drops
BST uses fight on the BLM
BLM uses manafont
BLM casts warp.

I personally only read the BLM vs MNK but i'm very curious as to how a BLM could evade punches from a MNK, whose 'body is trained to perfection, my senses tuned to heights you cannot imagine,' and how a MNK, whose 'body is trained to perfection, my senses tuned to heights you cannot imagine,' could make such foolish decisions in battle...?

Sorry if someone mentioned this already.

Edited, Mon Nov 7 23:52:49 2005 by valid

Generally that time you do not want to **** with a black mage is solo against them, when they can precisely controol everything you do. THat precise control allowed me to kill a Davoi coffer mob to 20% health today before I missed a sleep. That precise control allows us to be gods at certianly times, and only at cetain times. I wouldn't challenge a monk to a barfight just as a monk would not challenge me to a one on one battle with no interference at all with no medicines or potions but just doing job against job, and natural talent. If my sleep sticks I win, end of story.

There is a time and a place though, that monk could hand my *** to me, in a brawl type situation as such. I would get pwned beyond my wildest dreams because of the lack of my true ability there to control everything that happens at once. I'f i'm a good black mage I last for a few cycles of rotating sleep, resting, counting, nuking, and eventually it overwhelms me, I bust sleepga and **** up the counters, and I die BAM punch puunch, and its over in 5 minutes.

Even with all that sais. This thread isn't to debate anything. Just look at it for waht it is, a proud joke of a strong people, who like to try and show off a bit sometimes.

Have a problem with that? Well what the hell is keeping YOU from making a joke like this for YOUR job. Stop attacking everyone elses jobs, go promote your own.