Disturbing CNN Reports about former FFXI PlayersFollow

These are some mock CNN Excerpts a friend and I came up with concerning former Final Fantasy XI Players. Hope you enjoy. Please post your own if you think of any good ones ;).


“14 year old Colorado boy arrested for trespassing on several properties. Witnesses say the “crazy” boy came onto their properties and began killing several caterpillars on nearby trees and plants. The police were called when the young man became severely agitated about not receiving any ‘Silk Threads’ from the doomed caterpillars.”



“Local man found horribly slaughtered after attacking a Wild Rabbit. Authorities baffled.”



“18 year old in Detroit arrested after assaulting several classmates and co-workers. Victims of the attacks say they were minding their own business when the attacker came up, examined them intently, then proceeded to slap them.”



“Number of Street Vendors skyrockets in Renton, Washington. Local residents claim they can’t even go into their favorite markets without being harassed by shouting vendors with messages like: ‘<Iron Ore> <Do you need it?> <Please Listen>’.“



“Gang related activity increases at a startling rate across the US. Several groups of people (known as ‘parties’ on the street) have been seen slaughtering innocent Bees, Llamas, Lizards, Rabbits, and several other animals. Police baffled by the strange behavior. Psychologists theorize that the individual gang members could be doing it to increase their standing among the other members.”



“Texas woman in mid 20’s brutally killed after attacking a mountain lion with a bow and arrow 200 miles away from her home. Witnesses say the woman muttered something about ‘warping home’ just before committing the dimwitted attack.”



“Several complaints were received from female students at Seattle Pacific U. about male students constantly asking them: ‘are you really a girl?’”

/clap

Das ist gut.

LMAO!!!

Now thats some seriously funny stuff....

/em laughs until his stomach hurts

Okay that was too damn funny. RATE UP!!!

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is true comedy. ^_^

Intruder in the White House

A man, identifying himself as 'CoolPapaTaru', broke into the White House yesterday seeking an audience with the President. Witnesses claimed the intruder kept saying 'I need to talk to kingdom leaders for rank 3!'. After deeming the man harmless, security escorted him outside where the man promptly pulled out a small branch and began yelling 'Paralyze!' at a nearby squirrel while waving the branch around. Sadly, the squirrel mauled him, at which point he started screaming for help and running away. A passer-by caught the dangerous squirrel, but the man continued to yell that he was poisoned. He collapsed near the middle of Lafayette Square and began asking those near him for a 'raise'. A Washington D.C. police spokesman said the man had dialated pupils and an advanced case of carpal tunnel syndrome.

"Numerous reports about a "Insane" man standing by a cave in the outskirts of town for the past few weeks. He is described to be a tall male with bloodshot eyes. Witnesses say that upon asking him why he was standing in that spot, he replied with "I'm camping Hoo Mjuu the Torrent.... He'll spawn, I know he will!"
Experts are dumbfounded.

O.O

Edited, Wed May 5 18:09:20 2004 by Yuntaru

A local man was arrested recently for assulting a local convient store worker. After asking the tenant for comments, he replied, "He just shouted something about it being horrible that we sell live Malburos here"

I don't mean to be a sour apple to this party, but ... aceofwilds, apparently someone is karma camping you to no ends.

Just thought you should be informed, since it seems pretty unfair.

... ...

In breaking news, Sal Summers of Nantucket, MA has recently been reported handing out pearls worth hundreds of dollars to friends! The reason?

"These are magic pearls! I can talk into one, and everyone can hear what I say! And vice-versa!"

Edited, Wed May 5 18:48:15 2004 by ResidentLune

Bump.

* ~ * Headline News * ~ * * ~ * Headline News * ~ *

Local man was arrested this evening, for allegedly attacking and brutally assaulting his boss. Police are still conducting an investigation, but have released the following clues in to what detectives are calling, the "Most Bizzare and Frightening Case We've seen";

"The subject has exhibited signs of drug use, such as dialted pupils, a complete lack of knowledge of where he is, squints at natural/bright lights, and can not account for how 9 hours of the night went by unaccounted for, other than "sitting right here". No drugs were found in his system, however, a disturbing amount of caffeine from cola products and nicotine were.

Witnesses claim to have seen this suspect walking down the office building hallway, and oddly enough, with a plastic toy sword under his jacket. He apparently was walking towards his boss, who began to say something to the suspect, who in turn stopped, drew his sword and began beating his boss. Oddly, a witness saw the suspect pick up a quarter from the assaulted boss's pocket and keep it, hearing the suspect call it a silvercoin.

The only comment thus far that we've been able to get from the suspect in regard to his brutal assault on his boss was, "he aggroes". More will follow"
- Detective Tyler Durden

So why are you concerned with how high my rating goes? I don't care so I'm confused why you do...