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#1 May 18 2005 at 1:15 PM Rating: Good
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I am doing an paper for my Anthropology class on online relationships. This is by far the most fun I have had on doing essays because this was something I could relate to since I have seen this kind of thing go on. I was curious as to what your opinions are on this topic. I don't need names of people that involve themselves in this but I would really like your opinions so I could use them for my paper.

I've found a few online references so maybe some can take a look at them and then get back to me.

http://www.nickyee.com/daedalus/archives/000860.php?page=3
http://www.askheartbeat.com/html/body_coop14.html
http://www.ivillage.co.uk/relationships/dating/onlinedate/qas/0,,142_605980,00.html
#2 May 18 2005 at 2:13 PM Rating: Good
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448 posts
http://www.apa.org

Just search for online relationships. A lot of different studies of the Fantasy Appeal of online relationships because it takes out a lot of the physical interactions involved with getting to really know people.

Think about it, from not knowing how they smell, to how they move, or even how they look when they eat can change how you feel towards people. Also personal habits are not dealt with so you are only dealing with 25% of a person.

If you do not have the physical make up of someone, you begin to put perfect elements to fill the gaps making them even more appealing.

I am not saying it won't work, but you loose almost all physical social interaction which is as or more important in a relationship than knowing how someone thinks and their opinions.
#3 May 18 2005 at 2:44 PM Rating: Good
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306 posts
WOW! Thank you for the quick response and also for the link.
#4 May 19 2005 at 2:00 PM Rating: Good
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73 posts
Balgareth, there have been at least two threads on this subect that I can recall. I lack a search function so I'll try and dig them up later and link them here in this thread.
#5 May 19 2005 at 2:08 PM Rating: Good
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134 posts
http://www.livejournal.com/users/saveyoursanity/82103.html



From a person's own experience with her relationship online. It's a good read, from cynics, skeptics, to those who can relate.



http://www.livejournal.com/users/shotie/17070.html


Another entry that may be valid.
#6 May 19 2005 at 11:44 PM Rating: Good
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940 posts
Hello, this was a thread I started on this subject a while back, i got a lot of good responses to it.

http://ffxi.allakhazam.com/forum.html?forum=35&mid=1107397234304372517
#7 May 20 2005 at 4:55 AM Rating: Decent
*DISCLAIMER: If you're going to get offended by someone being against online relationships, don't read further or go to the last -long- paragraph for a less harsh version of my opinion*

I personally find the whole online dating to be rather pathetic. There's no nicer way that I can say it. This is how I feel and there's no way that I can change that. People play these games practially every waking moment since they don't have social lives and the game is all that they know. In the real world, they probably can't get anyone else. They try to fill that void with something that'll most likely never happen. I don't understand why someone would want a fake relationship. Yes it is fake because it's not a true relationship which NORMAL people have. People that date online obviously have some mental issues that they need to deal with. Maybe they got rejected too many times or something. I guess it's a way for social outcasts to feel appreciated since no one else wants them. I'm sorry if people are getting hurt/upset with what I'm saying but it's how I feel. Any normal person can get a normal relationship.

There is also a difference between people going online to meet people and those that seek to have a relationship online with the possiblity of it becoming more which doesn't happen often. Going in chat rooms and meeting people in hopes of finding someone that you like and would like get to date IN real life is okay I guess. It's like going to a club yet you can't see each other. However, playing an online game and have a relationship with another person in the game is just wrong. It's even more wrong when they have an online relationship and try to deny it when everyone knows what's going on between them.

In summary, I dislike people that date others online since I believe it to be wrong. That's my opinion. Alot of the people that date online are those that spend most of their free time in the game instead of having a social life. They may have feeling of inadequatecies (misspelled) , low self esteem/confidence, and/or anything else of that nature. They then look to the only thing that they know which is the game. They can meet people there and not have to worry about showing others what they look like or how they act. Some people have claimed that talking to people online and seeing how they act and such is how they are in real life. This is not always true. Some who are nice can turn out to be real mean and vice versa. Some can even turn out to be a stalker and trying to harrass girls online that he meets because when he gets rejected. People "fall in love" with others that they meet and start a "relationship" which doesn't likely have a real future. It's like crack and that it's only a temporary solution to a bigger problem. There will always be people like this that feel that they need to date others online. There's so much more that I can say but it'll probably be a good idea to not say it.
#8 May 20 2005 at 8:53 AM Rating: Decent
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935 posts
Quote:
They then look to the only thing that they know which is the game. They can meet people there and not have to worry about showing others what they look like or how they act. Some people have claimed that talking to people online and seeing how they act and such is how they are in real life.


Just to reply to this brief little section, as someone who plays FFXI too much (<3 Archdominus).

In all my observations, just as there are tendencies you will discover among close friends in a real life setting that will bother the heck out of you, they are also very present in a game. From what I have seen, it can be even more intensely observed in a game.

Talking to people that you don't know in real life everyday, over time, you pick up a lot on their personality, whether it is real, or a mask. Especially if it is a person you talk to *everyday* it doesn't take a forever before you notice things about them, just as you would in real life.

I personally don't feel one way or the other about online relationships. I have a hard time looking down on people who pursue them. Your making a big speculation/stereotype that these people are unable to get anyone else, from what I have read, they just as often have someone, and are looking for more the typically deeper emotional connection a non-physical relationship can provide.

I have two good friends, who are now happily married that met playing UO(Ultima Online). They always tell me, their relationship feels like it started as a penpal relationship, neither of them were playing UO in the pursuit of developing a romantic online relationship. It started out as an adventuring pair that became close friends, but somehow, they kept commmunicating, and the bases of their relationship continued to become deeper. Email came about a year and a half after they started talking, I believe they met on their two year anniversary of meeting each other in game. They said love was kind of an unavoidable thing.

At any rate, although it's enjoyable playing armchair quarterback, I don't have the psychological knowledge to say its unhealthy, or healthy, and I doubt most people do.
#9 May 20 2005 at 3:38 PM Rating: Decent
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282 posts
Its fun to have flirt with somebody over a game, yet keep in mind that this is a big gamble and just have fun. The game is pretense, but if you keep the pretending to a minimum and develop a good bond with the other person, then a relationship is definitely possible. Its really no different from meeting people over chatroom or what not.

THough one time I read a thread from Midgardsorm where some 15 years old kid fooled this guy for 6 months straight. THe victim was one of those person that was widely hated on by people of the server. When they talk the kid uses a voice changer software (he even posted a link to it,) provided made up info (mostly based on his sister) and created a real convincing girl. At the end of the thing the kid posted all the things they've done online, even transcript of cyber and phone calls. All in all he took 2-3 mil from the dude and made him quit. I thought that was messed up. Well you use to be able to read this post on the Gameover forum but not sure about now.
#10 May 20 2005 at 4:24 PM Rating: Good
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883 posts
I've been dating someone I met in game for a while now. He'll be staying with me this summer. ::shrug:: Call me pathetic to my face, I'll be smiling anyway. :)
#11 May 20 2005 at 10:43 PM Rating: Decent
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415 posts
Ok.
Alvenwatterbottle, Although I know the steryotype you are talkng about, A LOT of the people that meet online are not like that at all. Trust me, I'd know.. I got married in-game almost 5 months ago.
Our relationship started as a friendship, and that's all it really is, a very strong friendship.
We never really had any intention of doing things that married couples would do, nothing like that at all.
Anyway, I totally disagree with your post. It is obvious you have not met many people who have online relationships, and if you have, you still don't know the half of it, probably because you are too disgusted at them to research it.
I know lots of people that are planning on getting married in-game, and that is hardly the way to describe them. I have a very good social life, so do the people I know. And we don't "spend more time playing the game then we do IRL".
While there are people like the ones you talked about, most of them aren't like that at all.

Next time you make a post on a subject, please make sure to take more time to actually know what you are talking about, and don't think that ALL the online relationships are like that, they truthfully aren't.

#12 May 21 2005 at 3:42 PM Rating: Good
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1,275 posts
Quote:
Some who are nice can turn out to be real mean and vice versa. Some can even turn out to be a stalker and trying to harrass girls online that he meets because when he gets rejected. People "fall in love" with others that they meet and start a "relationship" which doesn't likely have a real future. It's like crack and that it's only a temporary solution to a bigger problem.


You realize this all applies to traditional dating too, right?
#13 May 23 2005 at 8:14 PM Rating: Excellent
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955 posts
I've tried to keep quiet about this but I can't any longer. I disagree with Avionwaterbottle. (your name makes me thirsty)

At first I was against online relationships but as of yesterday I sat down and realized what it was that made me hate them in the first place. Unlike the relationships that you build with people you can physical react to (those you see IRL), online relationships are incredibly more unstable. People put themselves in a greater chance of getting hurt. This applies the same for friendships as well.

Playing the game just to play the game is rather boring. It's the people that you meet while you play that enrich the experience. You also develop bonds with those that you meet whether it be friendships or something much more. While some people take these further than friendships, it's highly inaccurate to state that it is not 100% real. While it may not be the traditional sense of dating, it is still dating nonetheless. Emotions and feelings are still the same.

Before I started playing the game I made a promise to myself to not join any guilds and to not get to close to anyone. I just wanted to play the game. As some that know me can see, I didn't exactly stay with that promise. The only reason why I was against it was because I knew how easily friendships are lost over the internet and how easily it would be for me to get hurt.

I was never fortunate enough to gather up alot of friends as some since I still tried to keep to myself and I prefered to have a small group of friends since it would be much more rewarding. I had the casual friends and then I had the very small group of people that I considered good friends. My good friends are those that I can talk to about anything whether it be whining about one thing or another and that they have always been there for me regardless.

And it was this same reason that caused me to realize/remember why it was that I was against these relationsips in the first place. All it took was to lose the friendship of one of my good friends without even knowing what happened. To this moment I still don't know what happened and chances are that I will never know. It sucks to build a friendship with someone and have it disappear in the blink of an eye leaving you hurting inside and wishing not to play FFXI again. This was not what I wanted for to happen to people and was what drove me to be against it in the first place.

However, I also saw the good things that came out of these relationships which outweighed the bad. It's not often that you have people that you can talk to about anything without having to hesitate on what you're going to say or how to say what you want to say. People run the risk of building relationships with people and it's their choice to decide what to do without being made to think one way or the other.

I've never been good with speeches and my mind being all over the place doesn't really help. Can call me pathetic all you want for having these friends but that won't change anything.

Edited, Mon May 23 21:22:21 2005 by Ayrilana
#14 May 24 2005 at 9:16 AM Rating: Decent
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448 posts
/sigh

Like I said, read APA.org's reports. Also go look at juevinile studies and other stuff if you need to see legitimate research on the subject. It all has been associated with a social breakdown, especially since people get to hind behind a digital mask.

#15 May 24 2005 at 9:50 AM Rating: Decent
29 posts
Hmmm... interesting topic. I'll try and throw an opinion out there from someone who has been through an "online relationship".

First of all, it's very... dangerous to say the least, moreso online than in the real world. Yes, you may "know" the other person, but do you really know them? I myself went from thinking they were quite stupid, until it happened to me. Then after getting hurt from one, I'm back on the "It won't work!" bandwagon.

I would think most, if not all relationships that start out on said internet come by chance, when you're not really looking for such a thing.

Basically by chance I met someone online and we hit it off, so to speak. It lasted a good 4-5 months or something like that, but then ended abruptly. Very abruptly. I set myself up for quite the downfall when mine caved in. Of course not all of them end up in such a way, but I would garauntee at least 75% of them end up this way, maybe more.

I would dive more into the topic, but putting down facts wouldn't quite be the correct thing to do. Very interesting topic none-the-less!
#16 May 24 2005 at 10:22 AM Rating: Decent
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935 posts
Quote:
/sigh

Like I said, read APA.org's reports. Also go look at juevinile studies and other stuff if you need to see legitimate research on the subject. It all has been associated with a social breakdown, especially since people get to hind behind a digital mask.

I searched for "online relationships" on that site and didn't find an overwhelming amount of research. Perhaps I am searching wrong.

In regards to masks, I never took much merit in that arguement. People are always wearing masks. Regardless of a virtual setting, or a personal setting, people rarely reveal "the true self".



Edited, Tue May 24 11:23:27 2005 by Germonick
#17 May 24 2005 at 10:40 AM Rating: Good
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883 posts
I'm going to repost my rant/ramble from the last thread here, which I still believe to be 100% true even now that I'm reading it from the perspective of a relationship that moved from online to off and is, so far, working out just fine.

Quote:
I see two different issues at hand, here. One is RP, and that's always extremely sketchy - whether you care for the person or their character, or whether, in truth, you're in love with the writing itself. The drama that ensues is one of many, many, many reasons I've gotten out of the roleplaying community in which I used to be entrenched. There are too many people there who have no sense of priority, responsibility, or in some cases, reality. The virtual world is all that they have. In those cases, I would say that the problem has little to do with how foolhardy it may be to meet people online. It has a lot more to do with the fact that many roleplayers - by no means all, and don't get up in arms at me over this, because I was one, too - are just indulging in a whole lot of escapism because they don't like their real lives. Becoing involved in a relationship with them is just begging for disaster, because chances are they aren't telling you something that's very, very real and very, very complicating.

The other issue is whether you can truly build a real, loving relationship with someone you meet online. I say, why the hell not? We're all people manning the keyboards, here. It's just a different way to meet, with its own unique things that are great and things that suck. I find that in a virtual world, it's easier to feel a deep, immediate connection with someone. You meet here, so you're starting with one thing in common, and it's the nature of the beast that more will follow. Some of my best friends are people I've met online, one way or another. One of my dearest friends, I've never met in person. Which is a problem, actually, because it's true - there's only so much you can build of a relationship, friendship or more, without seeing them face-to-face.

It's also a lot easier to just cut that off. Your interaction with someone online only extends as far as your computer screen; you don't have to worry about seeing them at work, or at school, or hearing that one of your friends ran into them. You have the choice to keep a distance between you and the object of your affections, by not giving out your phone number or electing to meet them in person. You don't want to talk to them, you just get up from your computer, sign off, turn off the screen. Or you just don't talk to them. It's a hell of a lot harder to ignore someone who's sitting right next to you, or even on the phone with you. But people do it online all the time, and because the person in question isn't sitting right there, there's no accountability, no guilt, no discomfort, no idea that maybe, just maybe, that real person on the other side of the screen isn't being treated fairly.

This makes it a lot easier to forget when it's convenient for you to do so that there is a person on the other side of the screen, who gets tired, sick, hurt, angry. It makes it a hell of a lot easier to romanticize anyone you come across. It can magnify their good qualities, and it can just as much magnify the bad. Online relationships of all stripes come with their own kinds of baggage that you have to learn to deal with, just by keeping a clear head about you. Unfortunately, the tendency to get sucked into something is magnified in the types of people who play online games in the first place. You get in over your head, because why are you here, in this game? You want to believe in something that's fun, that's good, that's wonderful. Love isn't part of the game, but you're already in the mindset of suspending disbelief and the laws of reality. It's just another step for that, and harder to keep your head about you.
#18 May 24 2005 at 1:31 PM Rating: Decent
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306 posts
Quote:
In regards to masks, I never took much merit in that arguement. People are always wearing masks. Regardless of a virtual setting, or a personal setting, people rarely reveal "the true self".


However, in real life you can see through their masks or get the hint that they're hiding something. Online all you have is their words.

Thank you all for your help. I just turned in my essay yesterday and am waiting to hear how I did.
#19 May 24 2005 at 4:04 PM Rating: Decent
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935 posts
Quote:
However, in real life you can see through their masks or get the hint that they're hiding something. Online all you have is their words.

Thank you all for your help. I just turned in my essay yesterday and am waiting to hear how I did.


I agree.

I hope people would have the intelligence to test their chemistry via the phone, email, first dates, etc before starting any type of "real" relationship though.
#20 May 24 2005 at 4:18 PM Rating: Decent
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448 posts
Firsts, masks in a physical social situation can be realized. If someone is lieing, they can do things like avoid eye contact, or cover their mouths with most people get uneasy about when a person they talk to starts doing those things. Again it breaks down to you don't know how the person smells, acts when they eat, their little nuascances from biting their nails to whistling while they breath that could potentially drive you insane.

Second, I don't care about people having friends online. It's a casual environment. My biggest thing is people who are dating online without ever metting the other person. It's also like my feelings on how people that are going to get married really need to live with each other these days considering how quickly people give up and get divorced. I mean, living with someone is totally different from seeing them on a daily basis. Their idiosyncrasies of how **** they are about tiddiness to them being to sloppy for you preference could really cause a serious rift in further behavior.

Outside of Virtual/Physical instances of relationships, it all comes down to a few things.

1. Solid Communication.
2. Ability to know when to compromise
3. Respect.
4. Ability to exist together outside of love.

Number 4 is very important, in not saying the love will end, but there will be times when one or both persons moods can make the relationship more of a friendship/parent-child/child-parent or just an avoidance situation.

If you can't work through it, and survive those moments, and not understand each other (1 and 2,) things won't work in any environment.

Also, when trying to write a paper, don't use sources like Blogs, or stories, or uncredited sources. Use sources like APA.org, or the National Psych Board, or someone of that nature.
#21 May 24 2005 at 4:38 PM Rating: Good
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883 posts
There is a huge difference between relationships that exist solely in the virtual world and ones that begin online and move offline. If we are discussing the former, well... I'd rather have it confirmed that that's what we're talking about before I offer opinions. If it's the latter, then don't judge too harshly. As I see it, it's just a new horizon for meeting people, friends or more.
#22 May 24 2005 at 4:58 PM Rating: Decent
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935 posts
Quote:
There is a huge difference between relationships that exist solely in the virtual world and ones that begin online and move offline. If we are discussing the former, well... I'd rather have it confirmed that that's what we're talking about before I offer opinions. If it's the latter, then don't judge too harshly. As I see it, it's just a new horizon for meeting people, friends or more.


Yes...

That seems to be what people ignore about the whole scene.
#23 May 25 2005 at 1:32 PM Rating: Decent
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448 posts
Kgo Ch'tGuerre wrote:
Second, I don't care about people having friends online. It's a casual environment. My biggest thing is people who are dating online without ever metting the other person.


Like I said. I don't have issue with people meeting online, and getting together, or having casual friends online. What perterbs me the most is when someone says "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend" and you ask them more and it turns out they never met in real life. That has serious psychological implications.

If they met, then became boyfriend/girlfriend, I would be more acceptable (but still skeptical) than those who have never meet.

Sorry, my 67 Cents.
#24 May 25 2005 at 4:02 PM Rating: Decent
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306 posts
Quote:
Like I said. I don't have issue with people meeting online, and getting together, or having casual friends online. What perterbs me the most is when someone says "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend" and you ask them more and it turns out they never met in real life. That has serious psychological implications.

If they met, then became boyfriend/girlfriend, I would be more acceptable (but still skeptical) than those who have never meet.


This is what I was writing my essay about. Avionwaterbottle seemed to have a deep hatred for those that dated strictly online without even meeting. I had to pick a side and I decided to go against it. However, everyone is entitled to decide what they want to do and if they want to date someone online, it's their choice and no one can tell them what do do otherwise.
#25 May 25 2005 at 4:56 PM Rating: Decent
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448 posts
Balgareth wrote:
[quote]it's their choice and no one can tell them what do do otherwise.


By your logic, unhealthy behaviour like self mutilation, or even suicide is permissable...

First, I didn't say there should be a law that stops this behaviour, but it is seen as unhealthy social and possibly psychological behaviour. Second, if a person is doing self damage without concern of their outcome or possible outcomes of other social entities, you have to question their own ability to maintain themselves.

So again by your logic, if your mother wanted to kill herself, or any loved one for that matter, you would let them?
#26 May 25 2005 at 8:13 PM Rating: Decent
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306 posts
Then what do you say about the people that play online games every chance they get?
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