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It's sort of a sad thing, but as i've gotten higher in level i've found myself dying in more bizzare and fantastical situations and not really caring. I think my favorite was getting mauled by Byakko as I sat medding while one of our rangers shadowbound it next to me
Best. Death. Ever.
On-topic: exp and HNM gear are different because of how much harder HNMs are than exp mobs. At level 70ish+ melees can start hitting OK without much +ACC gear, like even +20 or 30 ends up being fine for EXP, and then you use spare slots no longer monopolized by +ACC to boost STR and ATK and whatnot, but on HNM you can have +60 or more ACC and a bard singing Madrigal and still not hit even half the time. For tanking the gear is different because Koenig set really isn't about hate generation like Adaman and Gallant is, but more about damage mitigation, since when Byakko does triple attack into Claw Cyclone, it's best if the tank is still standing. This is also why things like Earth Staff come into play, 20% of 1k+ damage is a sizeable chunk that could mean your tank is still alive, while in EXP nothing is anywhere near threatening enough to force that kind of caution. On the same example, another reason to switch to Earth Staff is that 1h weapons don't hit for crap on HNMs for the most part, even high damage 1h weapons like Woodsville's Axe hit for 0-15 unless you get a critical. So while at endgame MNKs and WAR/NINs and NINs do sick damage over time on exp mobs because of attack speed and high damage per hand, on HNMs they go back to doing nothing with melee (WAR/THF can still do well with 2h weapons, MNKs have Chi Blast, and NINs can spam Shuriken if they feel like it though) and it takes strong 2h weapon users like DRKs or cheaters like RNGs to hurt stuff.
So to sum up gear and roles are just different because the mobs are that much harder, and you're usually looking at 10 minutes to an hour or more per fight, as opposed to EXP where you can reasonably kill mobs in less than a minute with a good setup. You gear up more for endurance and not dying than you do for dealing damage and fast kills. Rules change if you have a lot of summoners and rangers in your linkshell but that's another story. XD