How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!
Edited, Tue Dec 7 14:22:53 2004 by zandertheredmage
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Okay I have a ton of jokes, but am not sure how insensitive I am allowed to be, so I'll tell the tame ones...
There is an ancient tribe in the deepest Amazon jungle. Every year they make a brand new throne for their kings and present it to him as a village. Every year the throne gets more and more ornate, so not wanting to get rid of the old thrones they store it in a large grass hut on stilts near the river. This year the king recieves a wondorous jewel encrusted golden throne, having exactly 99 more gems embedded in it than his last one. The king is ecstatic and the whole village takes the old throne to the storage hut. Upon arriving they place the heavy older throne in the hut, it immediately collapses and crushes all of the villagers.
The morale of the story: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones
There is an ancient tribe in the deepest Amazon jungle. Every year they make a brand new throne for their kings and present it to him as a village. Every year the throne gets more and more ornate, so not wanting to get rid of the old thrones they store it in a large grass hut on stilts near the river. This year the king recieves a wondorous jewel encrusted golden throne, having exactly 99 more gems embedded in it than his last one. The king is ecstatic and the whole village takes the old throne to the storage hut. Upon arriving they place the heavy older throne in the hut, it immediately collapses and crushes all of the villagers.
The morale of the story: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones
Dont let this thread die, I laughed my a$$ off reading through here and want to see more jokes ^^
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
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This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.
“Hey, what's that?”
“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”
“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.
“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”
“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
---------------------------------------------------------------
This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.
“Hey, what's that?”
“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”
“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.
“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”
“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
A group of three explorers travel to the deepest darkest jungles of South America to locate and capture the rare and exotic Foo bird. They have the usual provisions and baggage train of natives with them. They travel for days seeing signs of the bird but nothing else. One the fifth day of the journey they hear its cry. Excited the explorers get ready to capture this elusive bird. The natives being superstious about the bird are on edge. Sure enought the bird appears, swoops down and takes a dump on one of the explorers. The explorer gets immediately sick because the smell is unbareable. Gagging the explorer runs to the river nearby and jumps in washing the stench from his clothes and body. Upon stepping out the explorer keels over dead. Thats enough for the natives who run away screaming and drop all the supplies. The two explorers left decide to press on anyways, taking what supplies they can and buring their comrade. Two days later the bird is heard again and it appears. The explorers get ready and sure enough the bird swoops low and nails another explorer with flying *****. This explorer tries to deal with the stench but just cant, so he uses some of his water supply to wash himself off. As soon as he is finished he drops dead. The last explorer is aghast, buries his comrade and presses on, realizing that the exit to the jungle is closer than backtracking at this point. The next day the bird's call comes echoing through the tress, the explorer runs for his life, but the bird gets him. The smell is horrible, worse than before. The explorer resists the urge to wash himself, assuming that the washing is what killed his companions. Days later just as he is about to give in to the smell and wash, he exits the jungle. The dried ***** cracks and falls off of him leaving him smelling of roses and fresh milk.
The morale of the story: If the Foo sh[b][/b]its, wear it.
The morale of the story: If the Foo sh[b][/b]its, wear it.
YukioOfBismarck wrote:
A group of three explorers travel to the deepest darkest jungles of South America to locate and capture the rare and exotic Foo bird. They have the usual provisions and baggage train of natives with them. They travel for days seeing signs of the bird but nothing else. One the fifth day of the journey they hear its cry. Excited the explorers get ready to capture this elusive bird. The natives being superstious about the bird are on edge. Sure enought the bird appears, swoops down and takes a dump on one of the explorers. The explorer gets immediately sick because the smell is unbareable. Gagging the explorer runs to the river nearby and jumps in washing the stench from his clothes and body. Upon stepping out the explorer keels over dead. Thats enough for the natives who run away screaming and drop all the supplies. The two explorers left decide to press on anyways, taking what supplies they can and buring their comrade. Two days later the bird is heard again and it appears. The explorers get ready and sure enough the bird swoops low and nails another explorer with flying *****. This explorer tries to deal with the stench but just cant, so he uses some of his water supply to wash himself off. As soon as he is finished he drops dead. The last explorer is aghast, buries his comrade and presses on, realizing that the exit to the jungle is closer than backtracking at this point. The next day the bird's call comes echoing through the tress, the explorer runs for his life, but the bird gets him. The smell is horrible, worse than before. The explorer resists the urge to wash himself, assuming that the washing is what killed his companions. Days later just as he is about to give in to the smell and wash, he exits the jungle. The dried ***** cracks and falls off of him leaving him smelling of roses and fresh milk.
The morale of the story: If the Foo sh[b][/b]its, wear it.
The morale of the story: If the Foo sh[b][/b]its, wear it.
LOLOLOLOlolololololololol
omg i had to leave my desk at work to stop laughing at that >.<
Well it was a sad day , Cruize , Arkanwulf , and myself (Kitaru) all were in a horrible airship accident and died. Next thing we know we were at the pearly gates of heaven. Saint Peter appeared before us and looked our names up in a large book before finally saying ,
"The three of you have lived good lives so you may enter into heaven ....... but we have one rule."
The three of us agreed , and asked what the rule was. He replied,
"The one rule in heaven is DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS."
Immediately we all burst out laughing and said no problem , how hard could it be to NOT step on a duck. Saint Peter then opened the pearly gates and let us in. To our suprise heaven was crawling with ducks everywhere.
Shrugging off the oddity of the ducks we went about our business enjoying the afterlife in heaven , but we hadn't even been there for 10 minutes when Cruize stepped on a duck. There was a sound of thunder and Saint Peter appeared before us. With him was the ugliest woman we'd ever seen. Angrily Saint Peter spoke ,
"For stepping on a duck , you are sentenced to be chained to this ugly woman for all of eternity!!!"
Saint Peter then chained the ugly woman to Cruize and sent him on his way. Several days passed and everything was fine until Arkanwulf stepped on a duck. Again with the sound of thunder Saint Peter appeared before us with another horribly ugly woman.
"For stepping on a duck , you are sentenced to be chained to this ugly woman for all of eternity!!!" He spoke angrily.
Sadly Arkanwulf walked away chained to the ugly woman.
Days passed , then weeks, then months , and finally years. One day I was out walking when Saint Peter appeared before me with the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.
"Kitaru, I am chaining you to this woman for all of eternity!" He said.
Amazed, I asked,
"Saint Peter, what did I do to deserve being chained to this beautiful woman for all of eternity?"
Saint Peter looked at me a moment before replying,
"She stepped on a duck"
"The three of you have lived good lives so you may enter into heaven ....... but we have one rule."
The three of us agreed , and asked what the rule was. He replied,
"The one rule in heaven is DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS."
Immediately we all burst out laughing and said no problem , how hard could it be to NOT step on a duck. Saint Peter then opened the pearly gates and let us in. To our suprise heaven was crawling with ducks everywhere.
Shrugging off the oddity of the ducks we went about our business enjoying the afterlife in heaven , but we hadn't even been there for 10 minutes when Cruize stepped on a duck. There was a sound of thunder and Saint Peter appeared before us. With him was the ugliest woman we'd ever seen. Angrily Saint Peter spoke ,
"For stepping on a duck , you are sentenced to be chained to this ugly woman for all of eternity!!!"
Saint Peter then chained the ugly woman to Cruize and sent him on his way. Several days passed and everything was fine until Arkanwulf stepped on a duck. Again with the sound of thunder Saint Peter appeared before us with another horribly ugly woman.
"For stepping on a duck , you are sentenced to be chained to this ugly woman for all of eternity!!!" He spoke angrily.
Sadly Arkanwulf walked away chained to the ugly woman.
Days passed , then weeks, then months , and finally years. One day I was out walking when Saint Peter appeared before me with the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.
"Kitaru, I am chaining you to this woman for all of eternity!" He said.
Amazed, I asked,
"Saint Peter, what did I do to deserve being chained to this beautiful woman for all of eternity?"
Saint Peter looked at me a moment before replying,
"She stepped on a duck"
Alright, you asked for it people, here goes.
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This man walks into a bar, and orders 20 shots of whiskey. He then downs them, one after the other without flinching. The bartender says, "Wow, you musta had one helluva day huh?" The man says, "I just had my first b***job today." The bartender says, "Well HEY! I'll fix you a special drink to celebrate!" The man replies, "Nah, if this whiskey doesn't get that taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
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Okay, a John and Max are talking one day. John says, "I came home last night, and found my wife in bed with my best friend." Max says, "Wow, what did you do?" John says, "I looked him dead in the eye and said: BAD DOG!"
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Okay, a mouse and an elephant are best friends. One day, the elephant falls into a pit, and starts shouting for help. The mouse gets his Mercedes (yes, the mouse drives a Mercedes), hooks the elephant up to it, and pulls him out. Next week, the mouse falls into a pit, and starts shouting for help. The elephant doesn't know what to do, he doesn't own a Mercedes, so he thinks and thinks and thinks til he gets an idea. The elephant straddles the pit, and lowers his p**is down into for the mouse to climb out on.
The moral of this story: If you're hung like an elephant, you don't need a Mercedes.
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This man walks into a bar, and orders 20 shots of whiskey. He then downs them, one after the other without flinching. The bartender says, "Wow, you musta had one helluva day huh?" The man says, "I just had my first b***job today." The bartender says, "Well HEY! I'll fix you a special drink to celebrate!" The man replies, "Nah, if this whiskey doesn't get that taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, a John and Max are talking one day. John says, "I came home last night, and found my wife in bed with my best friend." Max says, "Wow, what did you do?" John says, "I looked him dead in the eye and said: BAD DOG!"
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Okay, a mouse and an elephant are best friends. One day, the elephant falls into a pit, and starts shouting for help. The mouse gets his Mercedes (yes, the mouse drives a Mercedes), hooks the elephant up to it, and pulls him out. Next week, the mouse falls into a pit, and starts shouting for help. The elephant doesn't know what to do, he doesn't own a Mercedes, so he thinks and thinks and thinks til he gets an idea. The elephant straddles the pit, and lowers his p**is down into for the mouse to climb out on.
The moral of this story: If you're hung like an elephant, you don't need a Mercedes.
Good ones bro ^^ hehehehehehehehehehe
Okay...some quick ones...
A man walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor says, "Can I help you?" The duck replies, "YEAH get this guy off my a[b][/b]ss!"
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey pal why the long face?"
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Excuse me, is the bar tender here?"
How do you kill a blue elephant? Scroll for answer
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
You hold its nose until it turns blue then shot it with a blue elephant gun.
Okay...some quick ones...
A man walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor says, "Can I help you?" The duck replies, "YEAH get this guy off my a[b][/b]ss!"
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey pal why the long face?"
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Excuse me, is the bar tender here?"
How do you kill a blue elephant? Scroll for answer
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
You hold its nose until it turns blue then shot it with a blue elephant gun.
Not a joke, but still rather funny.
From a 1954 copy of Popular Mechanics (according to the email I got it from).
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v215/jdonner/computer.jpg
From a 1954 copy of Popular Mechanics (according to the email I got it from).
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v215/jdonner/computer.jpg
Sorry Win, that's a hoax. Funny still.
http://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/computers/2004/12/hoax/
http://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/computers/2004/12/hoax/
Bleh...ah well...still we have come a long way. I read on a website about FORTRAN that early computers had memories of 15 kb lol.
Don't know if this thread is dead yet or not, so here's another joke:
This guy walks into a bar, and sees a sign: Test Your Manhood, Win $1000. So he goes up to the bartender, and asks about it. The bartender tells him there are 3 parts to the test. "Okay," the bartender says, "the first part is you have to chug this here gallon of tequilla, without flinching." So the man picks up the tequilla, and proceeds to down it. The bartender, a little amazed says, "Okay, now upstares there are two rooms. In the first room, there is a lion with an infected tooth that needs to be removed. You have to go up there and pull it out. In the second room, there's a 86 year old woman, wno is still a virgin, you need to go in there, and set things right for her, if you get my meaning." So the man heads up the stairs, and enters the lion's room. For the next half hour, the bar is filled with the sounds of fighting, and roaring, and stuff being tossed around. Finally, the man comes out of the room, clothes torn, bleeding, and swaying a little. He looks down at the bartender, hiccups, and says, "Alright... Now where was that old lady with the bad tooth?"
This guy walks into a bar, and sees a sign: Test Your Manhood, Win $1000. So he goes up to the bartender, and asks about it. The bartender tells him there are 3 parts to the test. "Okay," the bartender says, "the first part is you have to chug this here gallon of tequilla, without flinching." So the man picks up the tequilla, and proceeds to down it. The bartender, a little amazed says, "Okay, now upstares there are two rooms. In the first room, there is a lion with an infected tooth that needs to be removed. You have to go up there and pull it out. In the second room, there's a 86 year old woman, wno is still a virgin, you need to go in there, and set things right for her, if you get my meaning." So the man heads up the stairs, and enters the lion's room. For the next half hour, the bar is filled with the sounds of fighting, and roaring, and stuff being tossed around. Finally, the man comes out of the room, clothes torn, bleeding, and swaying a little. He looks down at the bartender, hiccups, and says, "Alright... Now where was that old lady with the bad tooth?"
Gone!
Edited for duplicity's sake
Edited, Tue Dec 14 15:53:47 2004 by sagashe
Edited for duplicity's sake
Edited, Tue Dec 14 15:53:47 2004 by sagashe
Nothing that is so, is so.
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OMG you suck, that's practically the same joke i just told
Hahaha. I didn't even see yours because I was busy typing mine up when you posted.
You see, great minds think alike..... and so do we.
But, since you were there first, I'll humbly take mine down.
--Arondight, Bismarck
You see, great minds think alike..... and so do we.
But, since you were there first, I'll humbly take mine down.
--Arondight, Bismarck
Nothing that is so, is so.
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Ack! I wasn't really upset. I have dozens if not hundreds more jokes where that one came from.
My apologies in advance to any blondes I might offend.
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A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone. "Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator. "Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies. "Okay, where do you live?" asks the operator. "In a house silly!" the blonde replies. "No,no! How do we get there?" the operator asks fustratedly. "Duh! Big Red Truck!!"
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Q. What is the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A. Wave at her.
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Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles. The brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were standing in a line before a firing squad. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the brunette yells "TORNADO!" All the people turned around and looked and the brunette ran away. Next, it's the redhead's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the redhead yells "HURRICANE!" Once again all the people turn around to look for the hurricane and the redhead runs away. Finally, it's the blonde's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the blonde yells "FIRE!"
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A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone. "Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator. "Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies. "Okay, where do you live?" asks the operator. "In a house silly!" the blonde replies. "No,no! How do we get there?" the operator asks fustratedly. "Duh! Big Red Truck!!"
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Q. What is the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A. Wave at her.
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Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles. The brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were standing in a line before a firing squad. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the brunette yells "TORNADO!" All the people turned around and looked and the brunette ran away. Next, it's the redhead's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the redhead yells "HURRICANE!" Once again all the people turn around to look for the hurricane and the redhead runs away. Finally, it's the blonde's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the blonde yells "FIRE!"
So there is a plane crash.
Three people show up on at the Pearly Gate: A nun, a teacher, and an HMO Representative.
St. Peter approaches them all, and explains: "We had to change the rules some to get into heaven. So please explain to me what you three did in life."
The nun apporaches, and says, "I was a nun. I took a vow of poverty, living life among the poor and wretched. I cared for the sick and dying, and gave them comfort. I clothed and fed the poor and gave them hope."
St. Peter says, "Ok. You're in."
The teacher approaches and says, "I was a teacher. I gave people inspiration and taught them great things, and they in turn did great things with their lives helping humanity. I taught them the value of critical thinking, logic, and a love of literature and art, and the value of human beings."
St. Peter says, "Ok, you're in too."
The HMO Rep steps forward and says, "I worked for a national HMO."
St. Peter says, "One moment please." He then steps aside and gets a pencil, pen, crayon, pad of paper, scratch paper, and a calculator.
Two hours pass.
St. Peter looks back up and says, "Ok, I can let you in for two days."
Three people show up on at the Pearly Gate: A nun, a teacher, and an HMO Representative.
St. Peter approaches them all, and explains: "We had to change the rules some to get into heaven. So please explain to me what you three did in life."
The nun apporaches, and says, "I was a nun. I took a vow of poverty, living life among the poor and wretched. I cared for the sick and dying, and gave them comfort. I clothed and fed the poor and gave them hope."
St. Peter says, "Ok. You're in."
The teacher approaches and says, "I was a teacher. I gave people inspiration and taught them great things, and they in turn did great things with their lives helping humanity. I taught them the value of critical thinking, logic, and a love of literature and art, and the value of human beings."
St. Peter says, "Ok, you're in too."
The HMO Rep steps forward and says, "I worked for a national HMO."
St. Peter says, "One moment please." He then steps aside and gets a pencil, pen, crayon, pad of paper, scratch paper, and a calculator.
Two hours pass.
St. Peter looks back up and says, "Ok, I can let you in for two days."
An Englishman an American and an Irishman are all in a bar in Ireland. They all order a pint of Guinness. The Englishman looks down and sees a fly in his pint, turns his nose up in disgust and asks the bartender for a new beer. The American looks down also sees a fly in the foam, picks it out with his fingers and begins to drink. The Irishman looks, spots the fly, picks it up with his fingertips, then suddenly starts to shake the fly violently, yelling, "GIVE IT BACK YA *******!!"
I think we've all seen this, but it's worth posting, in the spirit of the holidays, you see. 
Is there a Santa Claus
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Is there a Santa Claus
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Fifty Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behing you, walk REALLY SLOW; especially in thin, narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, " I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarassment.
14. While walking through the clothing departments, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping deparment; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "....I'm Batman. Come, Robin- to the Batcave!"
26. Toilet paper as much of the store as you can.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock...i.e. "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bads.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc....
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeakers assume the fetal position and scream, "NO, NO! It's those voices again!!!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behing you, walk REALLY SLOW; especially in thin, narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, " I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarassment.
14. While walking through the clothing departments, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping deparment; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "....I'm Batman. Come, Robin- to the Batcave!"
26. Toilet paper as much of the store as you can.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock...i.e. "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bads.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc....
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeakers assume the fetal position and scream, "NO, NO! It's those voices again!!!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY!
( The Christmas Speciall)
Step 1:Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) of JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turk
( The Christmas Speciall)
Step 1:Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) of JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turk
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