Entertain me please!Follow

Supposed notes from a newbie at a chilli tasting ^^

Chilli 1 - Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli 2 - Arthur's Afterburner Chilli

Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli 3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

Chilli 4 - Bubba's Black Magic

Judge 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. ***** is starting to look HOT...just like this is nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli 5 - Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to! stop screaming. ***** those rednecks.

Chilli 6 - Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

Chilli 7 - Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli

Judge 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. ***** it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach!

Chilli 8 - Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli

Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli!

just got this e-mail, it made me laugh like crazy, see what you guys think

How to Shower Like a Woman...........
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see
husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental
note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth,
long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43
added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10
minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body
wash
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wipe up any water that got on the floor.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like a Man............
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making
the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your behind.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow you're nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the
soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging
out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Haha ya, I spread that one around every year when it gets cold and everyone is making chilli. Still makes me cry too, so damn funny:)

Doh MY first double post!

Edited, Wed Nov 10 16:29:25 2004 by GaranTheElvaan

Time for the best joke evar. Odd that it hasn't been said yet. XD

Why did the chicken cross the road?


















To get to the other side!


Bet you were expecting some odd reason involving KFC, deranged chicken serial killers, or little green aliens from Mars!
Oh wait, those are all the same thing. But still. :P

My father told me that you should always have two jokes to tell, as it's pretty hard to remember much more then that. Funny, but the only two I can tell on a consistent basis are the ones he used at the function he told me this. I can't do the first one, because it requires physical comedy, but the second one I can tell. Most of you have probably already heard it by now.

----------------------
Two man were at the top of a skyscraper admiring the skyline at a private party when a third man walks up to them. The third man says "You know, there is a curse on this building. No man has ever been able to commit suicide by jumping off." The two men looked at each other in amazement and doubted the third man. "Here, I'll show you."

The third man runs back and works his way up to a sprint and jumps over the side of the building. The two men gasp in horror, until to realize two seconds later that the man floats right back up and lands safely next to them. The two men stared blankly at the third, unable to speak. "Here, I'll show you again, watch closely."

The third man runs back again, working his way up to a sprint, and jumps over the side of the building. The two men again gasp in horror, but as expected, the third man floats right back up and lands safely next to them. The two men stare at each other with their jaws dropped. "Oh man, we gotta try this out," they said.

The two men run back and work their way up to a sprint, and jump over the side of the building. The two men fall all the way to the ground and die an instant death.

One of the maids for the private party noticed all this and walked up to the third man. "You know, Superman, you're a real a--hole when you're drunk."
-----------
That's my two cents :)

Belated reply:

While at the Vatican one day, a young boy sees an interesting sight. As he turns a corner, he catches the pope ************* Seeing an opportunity to make mischief, the boy decides to take pictures. Upon hearing the clicking sound made by the camera, the pope takes notice of the boy and immediately stops what he's, er, doing. He says to the boy, "Little boy, I'll give you ten thousand dollars if you give me that camera."

The boy, wide-eyed, hastily agrees. The Pope writes him a check and the boy's on his way.

Later that day, the pope is in his office. One of the priests there happens into the room and sees the camera lying on his desk. "Why, Your Holiness, that's a very fine camera you have there. How much did it cost you?"

Grumbling, the Pope looks up at the priest and mumbles, "Ten thousand dollars, my son."

The priest laughs and walks out of the room, calling over his shoulder as he leaves, "Boy! Somebody sure saw you coming."


Eh? Eh??

Okay, that was lame. I hope at least one of you picks up on the innuendo there.

Why were Native Americans the first in this country?


Cause they had Reservations


Muahhahahhaa Narf!

Since I see some people are still reading these, here's another email:

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

And for all of you with a sense of humor I present to you for your consideration:

The sign

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident." I just lost it.

CASE DISMISSED

Oh and we all know we can't let this thread die !!!! >;p


In the Spirit of Blonde jokes here goes;

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

NOW LAUGH DAMN YOU!!!! ^^b

*giggle*