Lately I have been thinking about this thing I think Timelord says all the time:
I don't know how to really describe my reaction to this. To me it sounds like telling a tree to stop being made of wood. I cannot
be "less creepy." There is no word or action I can do differently that could ever change the way other people
If anything, I could make things a whole lot worse. I feel I can pass for being tolerable simply by staying quiet and keeping to myself. Ultimately, I can be not creepy by staying completely out of sight and out of mind, or, you know, dead.
To me there is nothing more annoying than a guy who speaks and draws attention to himself as he doesn't realize how annoying/creepy/stupid he sounds. It's these kinds of people who go around making the rest of us look bad.
As time goes on, I realize more and more than just me-- it is my ENTIRE DEMOGRAPHIC. The world is filled with people who are just like me. I rarely see them anywhere because, like me, they keep to themselves and rarely leave their homes.
Naturally I should feel some sort of kinship with this sort of person, right? No. Whenever I meet someone with characteristics like my own, I am filled with disgust. I am reminded about all of the things I hate about myself, which are also things I hate about them. It is so much worse when they're the type who are blissfully unaware what absolute **** they are.
I think, for the most part, I am extremely uncomfortable around men-- no matter what their background and personality traits are. You might even say that I hate men. I cannot think of a single example of one I would not feel immediately repelled by. I'm certain this isn't normal, but it is also based entirely on my experiences in life.
Instead, my friends tend to be my stepdaughter's friends. --forever cementing my creepiness into the red zone. I think a lot about why this is. It's not because we like all the same kinds of things-- there are plenty of other kinds of people who do. --and despite what everyone assumes, it's not because I'm some perv. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. They know me because I'm the stepfather of their friend. And, despite all expectations, they treat me with genuine kindness and enthusiasm-- in stark contrast to the bitter indifference I experience with most people.
I feel like maybe this coming generation of people are different somehow. It is not just because they're young. I can say with near certainty that no one my age or older was anything like they are when they were kids. They are smeared all over social media so much so that you might start to think the word "millennial" and "generation z" were equivalent to the "n word." Perhaps there is so much resentment for them because they can see just how different they are, and it is frightening to them. So let's just call them all Tide pod eaters and ***** about their cellphone usage and call it a day. God forbid they aren't brainwashed by TV commercials and hard drugs like previous generations.
I think a lot about my old friend, Red (for reference, see thread "Inappropriate"). Today I felt overwhelmed with grief at the thought of her. It has been nearly two years since I spoke to her last, yet every day feels like it's all just a bad dream, and I'll wake up to the sound of her calling again on Skype like the old days... I wish I could tell her how I miss her. I mailed her a card on her birthday in October and I don't even know if she received it.
I know I say this a lot, but I had never felt so close to anyone before. I had never been so happy in all my life than I was during my time with her. But that makes me a bad person, so. Everything that makes me happy and makes my life feel worthwhile is taboo.
So just move on. Forget about everything you care about. Completely change the person you are and assimilate into everything you hate-- says everything I read, everywhere. That doesn't sound like happiness and peace of mind to me.