Marrying the extremely physically disabled.Follow

I grew up with a nearly fully paralyzed Uncle. He was involved in a drunk driving accident when he was 18 and, after 3 years in a Coma, finally woke up. He has no control over the right side of his body and extremely limited use of the left leg and arm. Oddly enough, his mind remained pretty much unscathed (amazed the doctors).

As result of a lawsuit against the insurance company (they said they didn't want to pay because it couldn't be proven he wasn't driving, the court eventually decided otherwise) he gets enough money to completely cover 24/7 in house care and everything dealing with his treatment.

His caregiver is my grandmother, his step mother. We have always been very careful to hide the amount of money he gets from everyone. Myself, my parents, and my grandmother are the only people who know the true amount. We always feared that if certain women around him found out, they would try to marry him just for the cash. He may be paralyzed, but his love of women has not left him. Anything with tits that smiles at him can get anything they want from him.

There was a fallout between my parents and grandmother a year ago or so (the housing thing, and my uncle's care being a big factor in it). My parents were supposed to take over as his caregiver when my grandmother passed. But now, they will not. And now his new caregiver they knew for only 2 months is going to marry him. My grandmother is all for it, gung-ho, etc. I think she just wants someone to take care of him, and doesn't want my parents to do it anymore.

My immediate family was the only group beyond my grandmother that really cared for him. My other Aunts and Uncles on that side find him disgusting and annoying. It's sad that my grandmother's pettiness is pushing him away from the only other people who really cared about him and into the care of someone he just met who will probably be just after the cash.

TMI, maybe, but I just needed to vent after learning he's getting married today. He'd marry anyone who smiled at him, which is why we were so secretive about his money...

Edited, Nov 2nd 2011 6:23am by TirithRR

That sucks, Tirith. But you said that his mind was left intact. I understand why you're concerned, but this is really no different than a man with no disabilities at all marrying a woman who is after him just for the money. And it's possible that she really does love him. It may seem unlikely, but you never know, there are some decent people out there.

It's "Gung-ho"

She might be legit. If his mind is intact, she really might care for him. To be safe, there should be a pre-nup.

Using that logic, you could pay for a hooker to stay the night with you every night.



OP, it boils down to you think she's marrying him for his money, and that may be true. That would make anyone close to the person uncomfortable. I know someone in a similar situation, in fact. But like as was stated above, it's his choice. You've got to let him do what he wants with his life, even if it means marrying a woman you think doesn't love him.

Funny story:

Went to a wedding a number of years ago. The bride was a hot 20 something year old where her breasts were the softest pillows (and they were real) and you could bounce a quarter off her *** and her thighs were strong enough to crack walnuts. The groom was almost twice her age and looked like he was related to a garden gnome. And she introduced her husband to her friends as her "first" husband. And her husband did not say a word to correct his label.

That marriage wasn't about love. It was about money and status and power. He had he money to buy the companionship of his bride and she loved the status and power that he would bring.

Are they still married? He filed for divorce prior to the 10 year mark to avoid the long-term marriage aspect, she got a nice settlement and segued her way to cougar status. They didn't have children and it was apparent that marriage, while there was a level of respect, consideration and even affection between them, it certainly wasn't about love, nor even planning to spend the rest of their lives together. It was right for them at that time and when it wasn't right anymore and didn't fit into their life plans, they divorced.

Cold? Maybe. Calculated? Yes. But they obviously went into that marriage with their eyes wide open and from all accounts, there wasn't anything acrimonious when they ended it.

ETA: The guy has yet to marry again, but he's got a lovely companion that has been with him for the last 4 or 5 years.

Edited, Nov 3rd 2011 8:53am by Thumbelyna

Unrelated, but what does ETA mean? I keep reading it as Estimated Time of Arrival... or Euskadi Ta Askatasuna. I'm guessing none of those apply.

Ahh, makes sense.

She's pretty much doing exactly that. See, he cannot talk. The only way he can communicate is by slowly signing the alphabet to spell out what he wants to say with the limited use of his one hand. And with his paralyzed state, and lack of ability to communicate to most people, he spends 100% of his time under the watch of a family member. That family member is my Grandmother (was my parents for some time).

I haven't talked to him in close to a year. Neither have my parents. The first thing my grandmother did was take my Uncle away to an undisclosed location to separate him from my parents.

I think the extent of my Uncle's reliance others and my Grandmother's control over her children (even as adults), has not been conveyed well. When I say matriarchal, I really meant it in nearly every sense of the word.

Meh. He probably agreed to it. He's been with her for roughly 25 years paralyzed. I'm sure she wasn't doing anything he didn't say yes to. It's just I feel, and my parents feel, that she is doing the wrong thing and used her position to convince him of it. But it's not really an authority involvement issue imo, just a "I'm going to vent because there is nothing I can do, but I feel in the back of my mind it's wrong." issue.

I don't get it. She's keeping the family away from him, but she's all for the marriage which would, undoubtedly, end her control over him...

It doesn't make sense. If she was after the control (and money), she'd try to dissuade him from marrying the caretaker, no? If she was simply paranoid, she'd never let him marry the caretaker either, would she?

Makes no sense.

Because tone can't be well delivered via text, I want to note that this entire post is meant to be compassionate.

But I think you should think about what is actually upsetting you in this case, which is going to be integral in deciding your course of action.

What I mean is that being a caretaker is extremely taxing (and is frankly far more than should be expected of anyone). Is the anger towards your grandmother possibly a manifestation of guilt? Maybe your side of the family is (legitimately) relieved at being absolved of the need to take care of him, but the grandmother's transfer of that duty outside of the family is really driving home how beneficial that would be for you all, which awakens caretaker's guilt in wishing away the burden?

It's an unpleasant question, but it needs to be asked.

And like I said, I'm not saying this to be a **** or to judge you. My mom was essentially a caretaker for her aunt and uncle for years. But we didn't have the resources to keep them in our (or their own) home, especially when their health declined more, so they WERE in a home. And the guilt of that really ate her up, even though she'd spend hours there with them every day. And I saw how the guilt affected other people in our family with regards to my uncle, who wasn't really involved in that process.

Where you should go from here really depends on this question. Acting out of guilt won't make anyone happy. If you want to be a part of your uncle's life, then you need to make contact. Your grandmother only has the power to stop you if you continue to not act. If your family isn't seeking contact because they are afraid of the guilt of not wanting to be a caretaker, and has found an emotional way out by allowing themselves to be alienated by the mother, then that is really going to tear you up years down the road, when she's no longer around to distract you.

I know this sounds ******** but I really am not admonishing you. I just think it would be best for everyone involved to figure out if they want to be in your uncle's life and why. The path from there is remarkably clear. If you want to be in your uncle's life, the grandmother can't realistically stand in your way. If you don't, then you should disengage from the marriage issue--it isn't far to oppose something that could bring someone happiness (or pain) if you aren't willing to invest in a relationship with them.

Either way, also remember that a relationship with your uncle doesn't mean being his caregiver. He has the money (and possibly a fiance) who can provide that. If your own guilt of wanting to be in his life without those duties is holding you back, it's only going to hurt everyone involved in the end--much better to deal with the guilt and build bridges, in my personal opinion.

Oh, and it's also fully possible that the grandmother is just a matriarch who is desperate control (and I'm not going to bother trying to figure out if that's fair or not). But that really doesn't strike me as being the relevant issue here, it seems like an evasion.