Does your opinion of someone change...Follow

... when they die?

I don't have a ton of experience with death; none of my close relatives and friends are dead. However, two people I knew in person have died.

1. A friend-of-a-friend in college suddenly died in a car accident in our junior year. I had known him about half a year and we didn't get along all that well. We never fought, but I'm always cracking really corny jokes and puns, and while most people laugh or groan good-naturedly, he would say things like "Why do you make jokes like that? No one thinks you're funny." So, eh, not my favorite person. When he died it was incredibly sad, especially since he was the best friend of a good friend of mine. But I felt sad for her more than anything; and while she would wax on about how amazing he was (and I agree he had some good points), I could never quite figure out why she was ignoring his faults: he was condescending, antagonistic, and borderline stalking her (she thought of him as her best friend; he thought of her as "my girlfriend... once she realizes it"). I remember the good times we had together, but I never forget the bad times... but most of my friends seem to.

2. A kid who graduated the same year I did from my high school; we had a few classes together. He just died last week; suddenly and unexpectedly, though I'm not sure from what. His sister and I were closer; we went to the same Youth Group, were in the school musicals together, and had a lot of the same friends. Her announcement of his death was touching and sweet; she called him the best brother in the world. But we were close enough that I know this kid was borderline psychotic at home; he physically assaulted their mother several times and threatened his siblings with violence constantly. Now, granted, this was in like 2004; after high school he went into the marines and was honorably discharged last year. Maybe he changed since then. But is it weird of me to think "How did an abusive menace to your family become the 'best brother ever'?" I mean, I didn't expect her to say "Good riddance," but her heartache felt genuine.

I can understand somewhat sugar-coating a life once it's snuffed out, but am I alone in thinking it's better to remember the good along with the bad instead of putting people up on a pedestal? I dunno, I feel like a jerk, but I also feel like lying about how "good" a person was just because they died early is... dishonest? Insincere? I dunno, wrong somehow.

Edited, Sep 30th 2011 6:15pm by LockeColeMA

What lolgaxe said. I think we're all subconsciously tied into that whole "don't speak ill of the dead" thing.

Well, it's considered disrespectful to speak ill of the dead because the deceased can't defend themselves and their actions. That being said, I've got no problem talking **** about Hitler.

I think it often gets better as memory fades on why you may not have liked someone. where as when you already like them, you tend to remember more of the good times in the first place.

Pretty much I have the same respect for the dead person as when that person was alive.
If they were a totall *** alive. Welp they are now dead and were a total ***. It's Karma to me.

Concerning the second example you gave Locke, people really can change drastically like that. There is a high school classmate of mine who was a real jerk. There are few people I have hated as much as I hated him. Just had no respect for anyone and treated others like dirt. When I graduated I wiped my hands of it and didn't give him another thought.

Fast forward about 4-5 years, when I'm home for the summer. I ran into him randomly around town, and we ended up having a conversation. I was genuinely shocked at how much he had changed. He was honest, polite, and responsible. It seemed to me to be a complete 180 degree change in his personality. My opinion of him changed drastically in that one moment. It just takes some people longer to mature than others I guess. (He had been in the military too, though I don't remember which service. That might be a correlation.) This doesn't really have anything to do with death, but I did want to share my experience about how people can change like that, so perhaps the guy in your example did too. It doesn't erase what he did in the past, but present kindness can sometimes overshadow past grievances.

The only close people I've known who have died were my parents, and while I do still remember the bad (my mother's temper tantrums, my father's stoic silence when he should have fought back while she raged), it's overshadowed by the fonder memories. They were good parents and I miss them a lot.

Everyone else who has died and whose funerals I attended, I didn't know well enough to form opinions about one way or another.

Did this actually happen to you? If so: Was it a random event, or just several call girls?

My Grandfather was mostly a ******* to me through my entire childhood/teenage years up till he died. He would make a point to take me aside, or corner me when I was alone, and remind me that I was the black sheep of the family and would never amount to anything. I blame a large portion of my self esteem issues on him.

My Mom was out visiting him in the hospital when he died. She came home and told us one by one, when she got to me, I couldn't help it, but I smirked a bit, and Mom slapped me straight across the face as hard as she could. Nearly knocked me to the floor. She wouldn't speak to me for a week. After I finally sat down with her and we talked about how he had treated me my entire life, she apologized for hitting me. I told her that I deserved it, how he had treated me was no excuse to find comfort in his passing, but I still wasn't going to mourn him. She still thinks I'm a bit heartless. I don't hate him anymore at least, but I don't miss him at all.

My brother and I joke occasionally about our dad. At work, same place but when I worked for the contractor, a coworker asked about us being as tall as we are (6'5" and he's 6'4") and asked if our parents were tall. I toss out that my dad was 6'2" for most of his life and my brother and I start laughing. She asked what was so funny and bro states that he was 6'2" until he lost about a foot. I chime in "or two" after both laughing again, we explained the fact that he'd had both legs amputated at the calf.

A few had a good laugh but some were mortified.

He would have liked it.