I guess you might be able to understand his jealousy by thinking of it this way. Imagine that your emotional needs are equal in size. You meet your needs by giving and recieving affection with multiple partners. He invests all of those needs in you.
So, even if his needs are being met, he doesn't like that you give and receive affection in relationships that aren't with him. It makes him feel jilted (even if you aren't neglecting him), and possibly he feels like he is giving you more affection than you are returning (again, regardless of if it is true or not).
The fact that this is irrelevant to whether or not his needs are actually being met is important. It means that he can't be happy in a polygamous relationship, even if you would be giving him the same treatment in a monogamous one.
And that doesn't mean someone who is monogamous can't be happy with someone who is polygamous, only that this specific person can't.
Which isn't rational per se, but since we are talking purely emotions here, it doesn't need to be.
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#7752
Jul 01 2011 at 3:46 PM
IDrownFish wrote:
Anyways, you all are horrible, @#%^ed up people
lolgaxe wrote:
Never underestimate the healing power of a massive dong.
#7753
Jul 01 2011 at 4:02 PM
I don't know. I can rationally understand some of it, emotionally I really really can't because I simply don't have those feelings.
It's not just that I don't like being restricted to one partner. I also think that it's highly unlikely that I can fulfill all of someone's needs (emotionally and sexually) in any situation. I know I can't fulfill all his sexual needs, he's insatiable and I have this problem with giving white guys oral that has nothing to do with him personally, and I have trouble giving him oral on top of that. He's really into it and I think it's just weird that he won't get it elsewhere because he isn't even demisexual or anything. I know all these rational explanations have nothing to do with his feelings, but it's still unpleasant.
Now generally, I have too much of an approach of seeing people as interchangeable, to some degree. If there's a breakup, I'll get over it. If someone is far away, I usually won't miss them, which is why it is freaking weird that I'm all anxious because one of my guys is moving to Pakistan in a few days. I think it's because it is still all really new with him, and because the feelings I have for him are the kind that I can't just let out on someone else very well. I can deal with normal NRE, it just means I'll have lots of sex with whoever is available and I'll be fine.
So I don't know. I guess I might have bonding issues or something, but I don't really think I actually do very much. I'm capable of maintaining a long-term relationship. I've just learned the hard way that I should never put relationships first and then pick up the pieces of what's left of my life.
It's not just that I don't like being restricted to one partner. I also think that it's highly unlikely that I can fulfill all of someone's needs (emotionally and sexually) in any situation. I know I can't fulfill all his sexual needs, he's insatiable and I have this problem with giving white guys oral that has nothing to do with him personally, and I have trouble giving him oral on top of that. He's really into it and I think it's just weird that he won't get it elsewhere because he isn't even demisexual or anything. I know all these rational explanations have nothing to do with his feelings, but it's still unpleasant.
Now generally, I have too much of an approach of seeing people as interchangeable, to some degree. If there's a breakup, I'll get over it. If someone is far away, I usually won't miss them, which is why it is freaking weird that I'm all anxious because one of my guys is moving to Pakistan in a few days. I think it's because it is still all really new with him, and because the feelings I have for him are the kind that I can't just let out on someone else very well. I can deal with normal NRE, it just means I'll have lots of sex with whoever is available and I'll be fine.
So I don't know. I guess I might have bonding issues or something, but I don't really think I actually do very much. I'm capable of maintaining a long-term relationship. I've just learned the hard way that I should never put relationships first and then pick up the pieces of what's left of my life.
#7754
Jul 01 2011 at 4:08 PM
Polyamorous Digg, polyamorous. Polygamy specifically means many marriages. Not only is that illegal in most countries, it also has a certain negative connotation for most Americans - it makes them think about sexist extremist Mormons which is not something we generally like to be associated with. Polyamory on the other hand, means many loves. Very different sort of thing. Especially since Kali isn't married to anyone. 
I definitely agree that there are different types of jealousy. There is jealousy that you feel when your needs aren't being met, and there is jealousy that is unhealthy and irrational. The unhealthy variety, from my experience, typically stems from people being afraid that their partner is going to leave them for someone else. When people ask me if I get jealous being in a poly relationship, I tell them no. The whole point of being poly is so you can explore your options with other people and not have to leave your current partner(s) or cheat on them. If I'm not worried about them doing either of those things, and my needs are being met, why do I need to be jealous?
Sure, I get little twinges of jealousy from time to time. But when I do, I think about why I'm feeling that way. If I think that I have a valid reason for feeling jealous, I talk to my partner about it. If I don't, I just ignore it and it simmers down.
I definitely agree that there are different types of jealousy. There is jealousy that you feel when your needs aren't being met, and there is jealousy that is unhealthy and irrational. The unhealthy variety, from my experience, typically stems from people being afraid that their partner is going to leave them for someone else. When people ask me if I get jealous being in a poly relationship, I tell them no. The whole point of being poly is so you can explore your options with other people and not have to leave your current partner(s) or cheat on them. If I'm not worried about them doing either of those things, and my needs are being met, why do I need to be jealous?
Sure, I get little twinges of jealousy from time to time. But when I do, I think about why I'm feeling that way. If I think that I have a valid reason for feeling jealous, I talk to my partner about it. If I don't, I just ignore it and it simmers down.
#7755
Jul 01 2011 at 4:19 PM
I think I can more easily relate to the guy in this instance, because I don't think I'm cut out for a polyamorous relationship. If my partner wasn't meeting my emotional needs, I would have to move on. I don't think I'd be satisfied getting them from multiple people. Which I'm sure has just as much to do with my cultural upbringing as anything else.
I have this weird thing with skin color. I don't care what color it is, but it irks me when the body isn't uniform, lol. So when their nether regions are a darker color than the rest of their body, I'm like >.>
Quote:
I have this problem with giving white guys oral that has nothing to do with him personally, and I have trouble giving him oral on top of that.
I have this weird thing with skin color. I don't care what color it is, but it irks me when the body isn't uniform, lol. So when their nether regions are a darker color than the rest of their body, I'm like >.>
IDrownFish wrote:
Anyways, you all are horrible, @#%^ed up people
lolgaxe wrote:
Never underestimate the healing power of a massive dong.
#7756
Jul 01 2011 at 4:27 PM
idiggory wrote:
I have this weird thing with skin color. I don't care what color it is, but it irks me when the body isn't uniform, lol. So when their nether regions are a darker color than the rest of their body, I'm like >.>
Sex OCDs are really strange.
Thankfully, I have none. Well, I do have one. The gal have to know how to do oral. If not, I will probably never be able to like the sex.
#7757
Jul 01 2011 at 4:34 PM
Yeah, see? Oral is important. I seem to be good at it (for a girl), but it's just so... hard.
My skin colour thing is actually two things, I think. White people usually have weird looking penises (in my opinion), compared to brown people at least.
And then there's the thing with my own skin colour and that most white people look a lot whiter than me when you compare directly. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Without holding arms up against each other or something, no one really notices but I know and I'm far too conscious of it.
The guy I was with Wednesday afternoon was the same colour as me! I really liked that.
My skin colour thing is actually two things, I think. White people usually have weird looking penises (in my opinion), compared to brown people at least.
And then there's the thing with my own skin colour and that most white people look a lot whiter than me when you compare directly. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Without holding arms up against each other or something, no one really notices but I know and I'm far too conscious of it.
The guy I was with Wednesday afternoon was the same colour as me! I really liked that.
#7758
Jul 01 2011 at 4:35 PM
Call me crazy me I don't think either myself or my Mrs really expects the other to meet all of their needs. The important thing is that were making an open and honest effort to do the best we can; both for our kids an each other. When one of us is slacking or selfish that's when there's problems. To a certain degree a little bit of selflessness and self-denial certainly helps, but that only really works if you trust the other person is trying their darnedest for you as well I suppose.
That monster in the mirror, he just might be you. -Grover
#7759
Jul 01 2011 at 4:37 PM
It's also depends on how important it is to you that your sexual needs and wants are met. Some people don't mind some self-denial and prefer to focus on their other needs. Others can't deal with it.
IDrownFish wrote:
Anyways, you all are horrible, @#%^ed up people
lolgaxe wrote:
Never underestimate the healing power of a massive dong.
#7760
Jul 01 2011 at 4:44 PM
I suppose so, but don't you think there's a point where you can't reasonably expect your needs to be met by others? *shrugs*
That monster in the mirror, he just might be you. -Grover
#7761
Jul 01 2011 at 4:50 PM
It's not that I can't deal with it, it's just that I've found a different way to get by. My main problem with being in an exclusive relationship has always been emotional, I'm grey-asexual anyway, sort of. (Yay for more words!)
I mean, I sometimes completely lose my libido for months at a time!
Keep in mind that of the 2½ people I'm starting something with here (the half one is primarily Andrew's but he's oh so adorable and we totally hit it off on Wednesday) one won't be fulfilling any sexual needs for me, anyway. I think. He did ask a funny question that made me wonder...
I mean, I sometimes completely lose my libido for months at a time!
Keep in mind that of the 2½ people I'm starting something with here (the half one is primarily Andrew's but he's oh so adorable and we totally hit it off on Wednesday) one won't be fulfilling any sexual needs for me, anyway. I think. He did ask a funny question that made me wonder...
#7762
Jul 01 2011 at 4:51 PM
It's vastly less likely in a monogamous relationship, yeah. If it's that important to you that your needs are met, you might need a polyamorous one.
Though not all polyamorous relationships actually involve multiple relationships. You might just need a partner willing to have threesomes, etc.
The real difficulty probably comes from the evolution of your sexual desires over time. When you first get together with someone, you might both be really opposed to BDSM. But that doesn't mean you will always, and it doesn't mean that you'll both always share the same feelings on the subject.
Though not all polyamorous relationships actually involve multiple relationships. You might just need a partner willing to have threesomes, etc.
The real difficulty probably comes from the evolution of your sexual desires over time. When you first get together with someone, you might both be really opposed to BDSM. But that doesn't mean you will always, and it doesn't mean that you'll both always share the same feelings on the subject.
IDrownFish wrote:
Anyways, you all are horrible, @#%^ed up people
lolgaxe wrote:
Never underestimate the healing power of a massive dong.
#7763
Jul 01 2011 at 4:51 PM
Kalivha wrote:
Yeah, see? Oral is important. I seem to be good at it (for a girl), but it's just so... hard.
For some guys, it's ****. I dont really like it, though. I think I said it already.
About needs being met, I`m of the opinion that compromises need to be done. If you want your needs met, you have to really understand and meet the other person needs. If you dont want to meet even a part of it and dont want to even try, its just fair that the other person do the same. Not only in sex, but in everything.
It gets hairy when one of your needs goes in the opposit direction of the other person needs. One of the two will have to compromise. Wich one will depend on the people involved and the issue/need at hand.
If no one is able/willing to compromise and both decide to just avoid it, eventually it will get bigger than it should. That's how and why 90% of couples that break up do so.
#7764
Jul 01 2011 at 5:11 PM
Hmmm. Yeah, I guess I kind of get it, but I don't. I assume I'm just wired differently, which is part of it. On one hand I could certainly see the benefit of having multiple partners for meeting certain needs. In other ways, I'm not sure having a second or third or fourth person around would really help much. I mean I'd be left thinking what gap is there in myself that I'm expecting another person to fill for me?
To a certain extent that'd prompt me to do some soul searching to find out why I don't feel satisfied. I mean if you aren't self-actualized (loaded term I know... sorry it's the best I could think of off the top of my head...) on your own, how do you expect someone else to get you there? Try as they might they can't really know you as well as you can know yourself.
I dunno, just me rambling again.
Edited, Jul 1st 2011 4:14pm by someproteinguy
To a certain extent that'd prompt me to do some soul searching to find out why I don't feel satisfied. I mean if you aren't self-actualized (loaded term I know... sorry it's the best I could think of off the top of my head...) on your own, how do you expect someone else to get you there? Try as they might they can't really know you as well as you can know yourself.
I dunno, just me rambling again.
Edited, Jul 1st 2011 4:14pm by someproteinguy
That monster in the mirror, he just might be you. -Grover
#7765
Jul 01 2011 at 5:38 PM
It's not that I'm looking for a magical source of happiness.
I think part of it is that I want to be as awesome as I can toward as many people as I can and bring sunshine to everyone's life. Something like that.
It's obviously quite complex.
Talking to Rio on Skype, I think an important part for me is also that I've yet to be in a relationship where I don't feel like I am neglecting the other person's sexual needs. This comes down to my utter lack of libido for months at a time. I'm fine with it, the person I'm with in an exclusive relationship suffers from it and I get put under pressure about it when all I want is for them to get it somewhere else. The guys I've been with generally seem to think a relationship without at least weekly sex isn't a relationship.
I've had... involuntary sex (mostly with my consent because I felt like the other person's needs should be met), and it's tended to be just awful.
I think part of it is that I want to be as awesome as I can toward as many people as I can and bring sunshine to everyone's life. Something like that.
It's obviously quite complex.
Talking to Rio on Skype, I think an important part for me is also that I've yet to be in a relationship where I don't feel like I am neglecting the other person's sexual needs. This comes down to my utter lack of libido for months at a time. I'm fine with it, the person I'm with in an exclusive relationship suffers from it and I get put under pressure about it when all I want is for them to get it somewhere else. The guys I've been with generally seem to think a relationship without at least weekly sex isn't a relationship.
I've had... involuntary sex (mostly with my consent because I felt like the other person's needs should be met), and it's tended to be just awful.
#7766
Jul 01 2011 at 5:59 PM
I feel for women in relationships with guys that are obsessed with ****. Not even all gay couples have **** sex, and there's actually pleasure involved for the receiving end for men due to the prostate.
For women, there's some pleasure. But nothing akin to actually having a sexual organ stimulated. And it's not like oral, where it's pain free.
For women, there's some pleasure. But nothing akin to actually having a sexual organ stimulated. And it's not like oral, where it's pain free.
IDrownFish wrote:
Anyways, you all are horrible, @#%^ed up people
lolgaxe wrote:
Never underestimate the healing power of a massive dong.
#7767
Jul 01 2011 at 6:07 PM
idiggory wrote:
For women, there's some pleasure. But nothing akin to actually having a sexual organ stimulated. And it's not like oral, where it's pain free.
No pain, no gain?
#7768
Jul 01 2011 at 6:08 PM
Lol, what exactly are they gaining?
IDrownFish wrote:
Anyways, you all are horrible, @#%^ed up people
lolgaxe wrote:
Never underestimate the healing power of a massive dong.
#7769
Jul 01 2011 at 6:13 PM
No idea, it just seemed to fit. Although, it allegedly becomes more enjoyable the more you get used to it.
#7770
Jul 01 2011 at 6:17 PM
Well, the pain lessens so you have something else to focus on. The fact remains that it's only slightly as enjoyable for women as it is for men. At best, it would be akin to having your nipples rubbed. And that doesn't take a lot of pain before you get used to it.
IDrownFish wrote:
Anyways, you all are horrible, @#%^ed up people
lolgaxe wrote:
Never underestimate the healing power of a massive dong.
#7771
Jul 01 2011 at 6:21 PM
I think it's a huge trust/commitment thing for some women.
Also, some people really fancy some pain.
And **** play *does* tend to help when I'm being overstimulated and want to pull away. It offsets the feeling I couldn't handle otherwise in a rather nice way.
Also, some people really fancy some pain.
And **** play *does* tend to help when I'm being overstimulated and want to pull away. It offsets the feeling I couldn't handle otherwise in a rather nice way.
#7772
Jul 01 2011 at 10:33 PM
The few times I've actually had **** sex, it hasn't hurt. It's actually felt really good. If it did hurt at all, it was a day or two afterwards from residual effects. I'm probably just weird though. =x
Also, depending on my level of depression, my libido can tank too, but the way my body is wired I can be completely not in the mood for sex, but if my partner touches me the right way it's like a light switch. J and I have been together almost four years now (September is our anniversary), and there have been a total of two times where I have said no to sex. Both times were due to exhaustion, not because I didn't feel like it.
Edited, Jul 1st 2011 10:34pm by PigtailsOfDoom
Also, depending on my level of depression, my libido can tank too, but the way my body is wired I can be completely not in the mood for sex, but if my partner touches me the right way it's like a light switch. J and I have been together almost four years now (September is our anniversary), and there have been a total of two times where I have said no to sex. Both times were due to exhaustion, not because I didn't feel like it.
Edited, Jul 1st 2011 10:34pm by PigtailsOfDoom
#7773
Jul 01 2011 at 10:38 PM
That's the last time I read this thread when there are young children around me. 
Kaolian wrote:
After a horrific accident involving a radioactive housecat, Davejohnsan becomes “THE CAT YODALER!†By day, mild mannered veterinary supplies salesmen, but by night, daemon feline scourge of the swiss alps! Swiss cheese production falls sharply in the first quarter as lack of sleep slowly drives everyone in Switzerland insane
#7774
Jul 01 2011 at 10:42 PM
Quote:
The few times I've actually had **** sex, it hasn't hurt. It's actually felt really good. If it did hurt at all, it was a day or two afterwards from residual effects. I'm probably just weird though. =x
That's definitely not regular.
Quote:
That's the last time I read this thread when there are young children around me.
You haven't learned that by now?
IDrownFish wrote:
Anyways, you all are horrible, @#%^ed up people
lolgaxe wrote:
Never underestimate the healing power of a massive dong.
#7775
Jul 01 2011 at 10:57 PM
Evidently I haven't. 
I guess I just haven't seen the conversation in here get this descriptive before.
In other news, I find this video appropriate to link for the upcoming 4th of July:
I guess I just haven't seen the conversation in here get this descriptive before. In other news, I find this video appropriate to link for the upcoming 4th of July:
Kaolian wrote:
After a horrific accident involving a radioactive housecat, Davejohnsan becomes “THE CAT YODALER!†By day, mild mannered veterinary supplies salesmen, but by night, daemon feline scourge of the swiss alps! Swiss cheese production falls sharply in the first quarter as lack of sleep slowly drives everyone in Switzerland insane
#7776
Jul 02 2011 at 2:25 AM
Quote:
Marcy Playground is one of the best band that ever existed. Period.
Sex and Candy is still one of my favorite music. I have it in my phone to hear it.
Sex and Candy is still one of my favorite music. I have it in my phone to hear it.
Got to love music that is about coke and heroin. Speedball baby ftw.
Hellbanned
idiggory wrote:
Drinking at home. But I could probably stand to get laid.
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