Since that didn't work out so well(not to mention I'm too broke to bother) the last couple years, but I'm still bored, I'd like to suggest a new little writing idea/exercise for the fun of it.
Imagine that one of your characters has been asked to give a speech to this year's graduating class of the Shattrath Hero Academy(or, if you're more PvP minded, the Stormwind/Orgrimmar Military Academy). What would that character say? What advice would you impart to the new heroes(soldiers) as they venture off into the world, wide eyed and fresh minded, ready for their dungeons or battlegrounds?
Basically, the idea is to make a bit of an advice thread for new players, but format it as a more RPed kind of thing. Mostly for boredom.
And sure, if you want, you can parody that Sunscreen thing. Or you can do something more original.
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The One and Only Poldaran wrote:
Since that didn't work out so well
I thought it worked out well.
That monster in the mirror, he just might be you. -Grover
No complaints about the quality of stories submitted. Quantity, however, was lacking. 
Any requirements regarding length of the speech?
What I mean is, does it have to be all "Go out into the world with an open heart, but your weapons free in your scabbards..." or would "START DRINKING AND DON'T EVER STOP!" suffice?
What I mean is, does it have to be all "Go out into the world with an open heart, but your weapons free in your scabbards..." or would "START DRINKING AND DON'T EVER STOP!" suffice?
Please "talk up" if your comprehension white-shifts. I will use simple-happy language-words to help you understand.
The One and Only Poldaran wrote:
And sure, if you want, you can parody that Sunscreen thing.
Damn you this was the first thing I thought of and you ruined it. Pretty much i was gonna copy pasta with sunscreen changed with resilience. /sigh
Edited, Oct 13th 2011 5:26pm by BeanX
BeanX wrote:
The One and Only Poldaran wrote:
And sure, if you want, you can parody that Sunscreen thing.
Damn you this was the first thing I thought of and you ruined it. Pretty much i was gonna copy pasta with sunscreen changed with resilience. /sigh
And throw in the words "Clam Stackers".
In the vein of The Suncreen Song, I present the following.
Members of the Warrior Tanking Class of 2011:
Stack mitigation.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, mitigation would be it. The long-term benefits mitigation have been proven by ElitistJerks and Tankspot, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own climb to 85. I will dispense this advice…now.
Enjoy the glee and blissful ignorance of being a noob. Oh, never mind. You will not understand how great it was to be a noob until you’re not one anymore. But trust me, in 20 levels, you’ll look back at screenshots of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how many wipes lay before you and how much of a noob you really were.
You are not as ineffective versus ranged as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to tank while wearing spellpower gear. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 2:34 AM on raid night when the healer disconnects.
Do one thing every day that scares the hell out of your healer.
/silly
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. That’s a troll’s job. Seriously. Yuck.
/roar
Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you get the epics, sometimes you lose greens on a 99-1 roll. The grind is long, and in the end, it’s only you against plate-wearing DPS who will still roll on your tanking gear.
Remember compliments that you receive and add those people to your friends list. Forget the L2PLAYNOOB!!11! If you succeed in doing this, your /ignore list will be well exercised.
Keep your old gear for transmogrification. AH your whites. Sell your greys.
/flex
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your toon. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at level 20 if they wanted to PVE or PVP. Some of the most interesting level 40s still don’t know if they want to heal or tank. But for God’s sake, pick something by 85, will ya?
Get plenty of +stamina food. Be kind to your healing pots. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll find a guild, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll make alts, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll respec at 40, maybe you’ll drop Illidan at 75. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half RNG. So are everyone else’s. Except fire mages’ – theirs are more like 90% RNG.
Enjoy your weapon. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own…this level. Expect to trade your epic at 80 for a green at 81.
/dance, but keep your clothes on. Even if you’re a night elf. And female.
Read the dungeon journal and learn boss fights. DPS will read them but won’t follow them.
Do not read the o-boards. They will only make you hate humanity.
Get to know your DPS. You never know when they’ll OMGCRITSAUCE!!1! and pull every mob in the joint. Be nice to your healers. They’re your best bet for survival and most likely to rez you when you are lying on the ground with the contents of your skull oozing onto the floor.
Understand that factions come and go, but with a precious few you should get to exalted. Work hard to grind reputation when you can, because the higher you level, the more you need the rep gear to start heroics at 85.
Live in Icecrown once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Nagrand once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Buy a Flight Master’s license.
Accept certain inalienable truths: hunters roll on everything. Beggars will demand gold. Clams will become stackable. You, too, will hit 85. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were 20, hunters were smart, everyone worked for their gold, and clams filled up bags quickly.
Wear your shield!
Don’t expect anyone else to run you through instances. Seriously, we get insta-queues already. Maybe you’ll have a supportive guild. Maybe you’ll find FuriousJorge, who loves to take noobs through instances for fun. But you never know when either might /ignore you.
Don’t mess too much with your spec, or by the time you’re 40 you’ll be laughed out of groups. And you’ll be broke.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient when they tell you to get better gear or change your spec around. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing out Tier 0 dungeon gear, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and reforging it into heirloom gear.
But trust me on the mitigation.
Edited, Oct 14th 2011 12:32pm by FuriousJorge
Members of the Warrior Tanking Class of 2011:
Stack mitigation.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, mitigation would be it. The long-term benefits mitigation have been proven by ElitistJerks and Tankspot, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own climb to 85. I will dispense this advice…now.
Enjoy the glee and blissful ignorance of being a noob. Oh, never mind. You will not understand how great it was to be a noob until you’re not one anymore. But trust me, in 20 levels, you’ll look back at screenshots of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how many wipes lay before you and how much of a noob you really were.
You are not as ineffective versus ranged as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to tank while wearing spellpower gear. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 2:34 AM on raid night when the healer disconnects.
Do one thing every day that scares the hell out of your healer.
/silly
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. That’s a troll’s job. Seriously. Yuck.
/roar
Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you get the epics, sometimes you lose greens on a 99-1 roll. The grind is long, and in the end, it’s only you against plate-wearing DPS who will still roll on your tanking gear.
Remember compliments that you receive and add those people to your friends list. Forget the L2PLAYNOOB!!11! If you succeed in doing this, your /ignore list will be well exercised.
Keep your old gear for transmogrification. AH your whites. Sell your greys.
/flex
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your toon. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at level 20 if they wanted to PVE or PVP. Some of the most interesting level 40s still don’t know if they want to heal or tank. But for God’s sake, pick something by 85, will ya?
Get plenty of +stamina food. Be kind to your healing pots. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll find a guild, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll make alts, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll respec at 40, maybe you’ll drop Illidan at 75. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half RNG. So are everyone else’s. Except fire mages’ – theirs are more like 90% RNG.
Enjoy your weapon. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own…this level. Expect to trade your epic at 80 for a green at 81.
/dance, but keep your clothes on. Even if you’re a night elf. And female.
Read the dungeon journal and learn boss fights. DPS will read them but won’t follow them.
Do not read the o-boards. They will only make you hate humanity.
Get to know your DPS. You never know when they’ll OMGCRITSAUCE!!1! and pull every mob in the joint. Be nice to your healers. They’re your best bet for survival and most likely to rez you when you are lying on the ground with the contents of your skull oozing onto the floor.
Understand that factions come and go, but with a precious few you should get to exalted. Work hard to grind reputation when you can, because the higher you level, the more you need the rep gear to start heroics at 85.
Live in Icecrown once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Nagrand once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Buy a Flight Master’s license.
Accept certain inalienable truths: hunters roll on everything. Beggars will demand gold. Clams will become stackable. You, too, will hit 85. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were 20, hunters were smart, everyone worked for their gold, and clams filled up bags quickly.
Wear your shield!
Don’t expect anyone else to run you through instances. Seriously, we get insta-queues already. Maybe you’ll have a supportive guild. Maybe you’ll find FuriousJorge, who loves to take noobs through instances for fun. But you never know when either might /ignore you.
Don’t mess too much with your spec, or by the time you’re 40 you’ll be laughed out of groups. And you’ll be broke.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient when they tell you to get better gear or change your spec around. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing out Tier 0 dungeon gear, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and reforging it into heirloom gear.
But trust me on the mitigation.
Edited, Oct 14th 2011 12:32pm by FuriousJorge
If you make that a parody song and become Youtube famous, be sure to put my name in the comments.
Needed a minor adjustment. 
FuriousJorge wrote:
Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half RNG. So are everyone else’s. Except fire mages’ – theirs are more like 99% RNG.
The One and Only Poldaran wrote:
If you make that a parody song and become Youtube famous, be sure to put my name in the comments.
Needed a minor adjustment.
FuriousJorge wrote:
Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half RNG. So are everyone else’s. Except fire mages’ – theirs are more like 99% RNG.
01001001 00100000 01001100 01001001 01001011 01000101 00100000 01000011 01000001 01001011 01000101
You'll always be stupid, you'll just be stupid with more information in your brain
Forum FAQ
You'll always be stupid, you'll just be stupid with more information in your brain
Forum FAQ
My parody of 'Oh the Places You'll Go!' the popular graduation book by Dr. Seuss.
---
With Green Maces You'll Go!
by
Dr. Protein
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You dinged 85!
A good time to play!
You have a green on your head,
un-enchanted blues,
Now steer that catapult
any direction you choose!
Ignore BG chat, what do they know?
Now YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
Inspect every PuG. Look down on them too.
About most you will say, "I am better than you."
Bags full of grays and shoes needing repair,
now come on you're just too busy to care.
And you may not find any
gear to roll on.
In that case, of course,
you'll PuG Magtheridon.
It's easier there
but you surely won't care.
Outland purples happen
and frequently do
to people as epic
and awesome as you.
And when drama happens,
don't worry. Just stew.
Now shout right on back,
You'll start happening too.
WITH GREEN MACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on your way up!
Finally buying slow flight!
Don't click off that buff
you'll fall from high heights!
Blame lag when you wipe, not aggro, you'll see.
You'll fool the whole gang and you'll soon be raid lead.
Whenever you group, you'll be best of the best.
If they say you're not, just kick, they're worthless!
Except when they aren't.
I guess, you're not all that smart.
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
those mix-ups
and $%^&-ups
will catch up with you.
You will get all worked up
when in a good PuG.
then your group will move on.
You wont feel so smug.
You'll quickly drop group
quite an unpleasant lump.
And the chances are now,
that you'll be in a Slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the adds are not marked.
You'll feel a bit frightened. Did he just click on rend?
A place you may wipe over and over again!
Do you dare to log out? Do you dare to zone in?
Repairs if you lose, what gear can you win?
And IF you log out, should you re-roll or re-queue...
or roleplay a night elf? Or a rogue, you just stew.
They sap, and sprint, and sneak in from behind...
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for an altaholic to make up his mind.
You can get so damn bored
you'll start a naked gnome race
down to booty bay at a snail-slow pace
and grind on endless alts till there's no server space,
now it's time to queue on the rogue, ahh LFG,
the waiting place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for his mom to go
or a BG to come, or that tank to go
or the mail to come, or "bio break gotta go"
or your queue to pop, or the fireworks show
just holding the raid for a Yes or No
darn that Night elf pulls so slow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
"you're camping the wind serpent right?"
or waiting around for Friday night
that's when the raid happens right?
for glyphs to sell, or an RNG break
or a clam with pearls, epic pair of pants
hairstyles with curls, or another chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find better MMOs
that people are playing.
With lasers and starships,
once more you'll fly high!
Ready for dark alien sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
OH! GREEN LIGHTSABERS LETS GO! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you'll do through next fall
will make you forget WoW, you're free of it all!
Pandas! Are you sure? Did they get that right?
that's more than enough, now you swim with delight.
Maybe I should come back
I hear they always come back.
I'm afraid that some time
you'll have to return.
You can't stay away
sooner or later you'll learn.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
your old guild moved on
you're in quite a spot.
And now all alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you despite epic pants.
There are some, in those random dungeons you queue,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
with pets stuck in prowl.
On you will go
though the healer may scowl.
On you will go
though the Warlock hit howl.
Onward through many
a frightening pull,
with your taunt finger sore
and your mana not full.
On and on you will grind,
And I know you'll grind hard
and rage at your healers
whomever they are.
You'll get mixed up, of course,
experience will grow,
they'll change up your stats
so forget what you know!
Just be sure when you step,
step with care and great tact
and remember that fire's
an unavoidable fact.
Now never complain just cast hex and act deaf.
And never mix up your right hoof with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
NOOB, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Leet or Leetsause or Leetz
or Leetzz or Leetness or Leatymcleets,
You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
You just dinged 90!
A good time to play!
Edited, Oct 14th 2011 8:42pm by someproteinguy
---
With Green Maces You'll Go!
by
Dr. Protein
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You dinged 85!
A good time to play!
You have a green on your head,
un-enchanted blues,
Now steer that catapult
any direction you choose!
Ignore BG chat, what do they know?
Now YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
Inspect every PuG. Look down on them too.
About most you will say, "I am better than you."
Bags full of grays and shoes needing repair,
now come on you're just too busy to care.
And you may not find any
gear to roll on.
In that case, of course,
you'll PuG Magtheridon.
It's easier there
but you surely won't care.
Outland purples happen
and frequently do
to people as epic
and awesome as you.
And when drama happens,
don't worry. Just stew.
Now shout right on back,
You'll start happening too.
WITH GREEN MACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on your way up!
Finally buying slow flight!
Don't click off that buff
you'll fall from high heights!
Blame lag when you wipe, not aggro, you'll see.
You'll fool the whole gang and you'll soon be raid lead.
Whenever you group, you'll be best of the best.
If they say you're not, just kick, they're worthless!
Except when they aren't.
I guess, you're not all that smart.
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
those mix-ups
and $%^&-ups
will catch up with you.
You will get all worked up
when in a good PuG.
then your group will move on.
You wont feel so smug.
You'll quickly drop group
quite an unpleasant lump.
And the chances are now,
that you'll be in a Slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the adds are not marked.
You'll feel a bit frightened. Did he just click on rend?
A place you may wipe over and over again!
Do you dare to log out? Do you dare to zone in?
Repairs if you lose, what gear can you win?
And IF you log out, should you re-roll or re-queue...
or roleplay a night elf? Or a rogue, you just stew.
They sap, and sprint, and sneak in from behind...
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for an altaholic to make up his mind.
You can get so damn bored
you'll start a naked gnome race
down to booty bay at a snail-slow pace
and grind on endless alts till there's no server space,
now it's time to queue on the rogue, ahh LFG,
the waiting place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for his mom to go
or a BG to come, or that tank to go
or the mail to come, or "bio break gotta go"
or your queue to pop, or the fireworks show
just holding the raid for a Yes or No
darn that Night elf pulls so slow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
"you're camping the wind serpent right?"
or waiting around for Friday night
that's when the raid happens right?
for glyphs to sell, or an RNG break
or a clam with pearls, epic pair of pants
hairstyles with curls, or another chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find better MMOs
that people are playing.
With lasers and starships,
once more you'll fly high!
Ready for dark alien sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
OH! GREEN LIGHTSABERS LETS GO! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you'll do through next fall
will make you forget WoW, you're free of it all!
Pandas! Are you sure? Did they get that right?
that's more than enough, now you swim with delight.
Maybe I should come back
I hear they always come back.
I'm afraid that some time
you'll have to return.
You can't stay away
sooner or later you'll learn.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
your old guild moved on
you're in quite a spot.
And now all alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you despite epic pants.
There are some, in those random dungeons you queue,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
with pets stuck in prowl.
On you will go
though the healer may scowl.
On you will go
though the Warlock hit howl.
Onward through many
a frightening pull,
with your taunt finger sore
and your mana not full.
On and on you will grind,
And I know you'll grind hard
and rage at your healers
whomever they are.
You'll get mixed up, of course,
experience will grow,
they'll change up your stats
so forget what you know!
Just be sure when you step,
step with care and great tact
and remember that fire's
an unavoidable fact.
Now never complain just cast hex and act deaf.
And never mix up your right hoof with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
NOOB, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Leet or Leetsause or Leetz
or Leetzz or Leetness or Leatymcleets,
You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
You just dinged 90!
A good time to play!
Edited, Oct 14th 2011 8:42pm by someproteinguy
That monster in the mirror, he just might be you. -Grover
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