Happy Hump Day!Follow

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was

visiting Texas from the East Coast:



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to

the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two

judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted".



Here are the scorecards from the event:



Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili



Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames

out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.





Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili



Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.



Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili



Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.



Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic



Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. ***** is starting to

look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?



Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover



Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

***** those rednecks. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >



Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety



Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices

and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

**** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.

I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.



Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili



Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried

about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh*t to

match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. ***** it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.



Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili



Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over

and pulled the chili pot downon top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make

it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

I've never read that before, but excellent. Had me cracking me up the whole time.

Excellent! Never read that one before, but was laughing so hard that I missed the reply button the first few times I tried. A true LOL.

~Rock

Surprised none of you have seen that before. It has been around along time but is always extremely funny. I get a good kick out of it everytime I read it

ROFL!

First time to read that post. But it was funny as hell.