Goldsellers - by IDrownFish (WoW)  

By IDrownFish
a.k.a. Sedin of Echo Isles (US)

The hot Durotar sun blazed overhead as the priest walked through the main gates of the city. Since he had become Ambassador of Silvermoon, Sedin had come to this blasted part of the world more often then he would have preferred, and month after month, season after season, it was the same temperature. Hot.

The day had already started off rotten with more losses than victories in the morning's battles for the Battlegrounds, and by noon the sun wasn't doing anything to improve the priest of the Shadow's mood. Plopping down on a chair in the open-air Orgrimmar Inn, Sedin opened his enchanted pack and rooted around for one of the headache potions he always carried around. And thank the Light he carried extra, because with the idiots in this world, he went through those like water.

As he dug deeper past the Basilisk tongues, he noticed that he was running low on the magical Flasks that amplified the power of his shadow spells during the dungeon-delving his friends were often dragging him along to do. His headache forgotten for the moment, he climbed to his feet and made his way towards the Auction House.

Shifting out of his Shadowform to try and keep cool until he could reach the relatively bareable shade again, he squinted and trudged past a bulky Orc wearing traditional leather gear and a crude battleaxe.

“Dear Sir/Madam!”

Sedin's long ears perking up, he paused his slow progress through the baking streets. He turned to face the bulky Orc. A male warrior by the looks of it, though with Orcs it could be difficult to tell the genders apart.

“…What did you say?”

The Orc continued as if the priest hadn't asked. “PLEASE visit our site!act now for the cheapestest gold on server! $14_95 for 6000! coupon code lucy12!!!1” he quickly rambled off.

Sedin had hoped against hope that he had heard wrong, that another one of these vermin hadn't come to Orgrimmar again. And yet, here he was. As the Orc began to repeat when he had said, this time to a gathering crowd, Sedin's patience took a quick vacation. He snapped. His headache returning in full force, he quickly shifted into his Shadowform, fully intending to use his dark spells to smash the Orc's mind into complete putty. But halfway through casting the first of many Mind Blasts, another idea popped into his elven head. He stopped casting the spell before it was completed, letting the gathering shadows around his hand fade away to the void they came from. He pondered this new plan for a moment, then decided that this would be much more satisfactory than simply destroying the Orc like a kobold.

Sedin began casting a slower, more potent spell. This time the shadows returned, but instead of gathering around Sedin's hands weaving complex motions in the air, they began to gather around the base of the Orc's feet. As the priest finished the final incantation and muttered “Mind Control”, the shadows struck.

“PLEASE visit our si--"

The Orc was cut off mid-sentence as the shadows launched themselves deep into his ears, heading straight for his mind. The people around him gasped as he struggled, clawing at his ears briefly before suddenly going limp and collapsing onto the ground.

The people gathered around the Orc gasped again, and a few screamed, but Sedin couldn't help but notice how none of them bothered to call for a healer. They just stared at the fallen Orc. A young troll girl kneeled down and started poking the Orc's head with a twig she had found on the ground.

Sedin slunk away to the nearby shade underneath the overhang of a house and sat down in the dirt. He closed his eyes and focused. Good. He could sense the Orc's mind, perfectly functioning and blank, like a ghoul waiting for a command. All vital systems were automatic and running, but there wasn't a trace of conscious thought left.

As Sedin focused, he commanded his new mindslave to stand up. Through his mental link, he heard the people around the Orc gasp and see them slink back slightly when the Orc leaped up like a jack-in-the-box. Sedin began thinking furiously, manipulating the Orc like a puppeteer manipulates a marionette. He told this limb to move, that joint to bend, those muscle to contract. Gather round, he thought, the show's about to begin.

As the growing crowd watched, the Orc stared off into space for a second, then began to remove his clothes. Standing there in dirty undergarments with his garb and weapon on the ground, the Orc did something you would be hard pressed to find any sober Orc doing. He began to sing.

But Sedin wasn't content with just singing, oh no. He forced the Orc's vocal cords to contract to a point far past what the Orc was capable of on his own, and smiled inwardly as the Orc's voice shot up a good couple of octaves.

“I feel pretty... Oh so pretty!... I feel pretty and witty and gay!” Sang the Orc. The troll girl dropped the twig as her jaw fell. There was absolute silence, with the exception of the Orc continuing to sing. Even the Orgrimmar insect life was too stunned to make a sound. It seemed the entire city went silent as they listened to the Orc belting out a song in a (half-decent, actually) Soprano.

And then the laughing started. The troll girl began it with a shriek. Then the Undead next to her laughed. Then the rest of the crowd. And the next thing Sedin knew, the entire city was laughing at the poor Orc standing in his undies singing about how charming he felt.

But Sedin wasn't finished yet. While still singing, Sedin had the Orc stand on his tiptoes and begin vaulting like the ballerinas of Silvermoon to the nearest clothing store. The Orc flew in, did a pirouette, and grabbed a pink dress, tearing it off of the mannequin. He shoved it over his head, stretching the fabric to the seams. Luckily, it didn't tear.

The crowd that followed began to laugh even harder. Even the usually stoic guards were snickering. The Orc again vaulted out the door of the clothing store and into the next door barber. In there the Orc grabbed a tube a lipstick and smeared it over his lips, and caked his face with powder. He then skipped up to a guard and paused his singing. “Am I a preeeeeety girl, Mr. Guard?”

The guard's only response was to turn and vomit on the ground. The goldseller let out a high-pitch giggle and skipped his way over to the Valley of Wisdom, bursting past the guards and politicians to the Warchief himself, Thrall. “Greatfather Winter, can I sit on your lap? Puh-LEEEEEASE?”

Thrall just looked at the Goldseller like one looks at a horrible accident: So terrible, and yet you just can't look away. He made no response, and Sedin took that opportunity to have his puppet leap on top of Thrall's lap. “Lessee… I wanna a baby doll, and some candy, and some fruitcake that doesn't suck, and a princess crown, and a pretty new dress, and a pony, and a pet gnome, and a puppy, and a kitten, and a parrot, and a bright pink hawkstrider that I can't crush when I sit on, and a fairy princess costume…”

The poor soul continued on and on until Thrall looked ready to summon the elements and turn the Goldseller into a smudge on the wall in front of the Gadgetzan Times reporters that were now taking snapshots for the evening edition. Sedin, finally satisfied, released his control and cut the strings on the marionette. He then used one of his spells to watch through the eyes of a reporter without the reporter's knowledge. He only wished he had popcorn.

The Goldseller cut off in the middle of asking for a dollhouse for his pet gnome to live in. At first nothing happened and the Orc stared ahead. But then, slowly, the Orc's eyes began to widen as comprehension dawned. Sedin made sure to leave the last few minutes seared into the Orc's memory, and he was no doubt replaying the events over in his head. There was the Goldseller in a pink dress, caked in makeup, sitting on the Warchief of the Horde's lap asking for Winter Veil gifts.

“I. Want. Him. Out. Now.” Rumbled Thrall in a manner similar to distant thunder before the storm. But the Orc was already gone. He lifted up his dress so not to trip, and ran as fast as his stubby legs could carry him. Sedin watched him flee as the goblin newspaper reporters chased after him, the flashes from their cameras going off like strobe lights.

Sedin watched them pass, and then leaned against the building he was sitting by and laughed. He laughed long and hard, feeling his frustration over the morning and his headache fade away. He laughed until he couldn't breathe and had to gasp for air in between bursts of giggle fits. The Orc wouldn't be back trying to sell gold for a long, long time.

Today was shaping up to be a rather good day after all.

This page last modified 2010-09-01 22:21:50.