I'm bored and our Lakshmi thread is suffering from lack of attention now. This is your standard story by committee. I'll start it off and will let the people of Allakhazam finish it.
If you don't like it, I'm sure it'll die off quickly enough.
Schmuck was born into the world in the back alleys of San D'oria. He grew up poor as his mother only made 50 gil whenever an adventurer would trade her 6 rabbit hides and his father provided little to the family either as he imported from Movopolos. Schmuck didn't let this bother him though as he grew up into a strong lad intent on banging things to death with sticks, rocks, fish, lead bars and anything else that was handy.
On his 18th birthday Schmuck finally earned his degree from Smiting U and headed off into the great big world armed with his great Mallet of Womping and a can-do attitude. He left his city behind and headed West. Sadly this is pretty much where things took a turn for the worse.....
To be continued.
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The Adventures of Shmuck and his cohortsFollow
You didn't need to be the Star Sybil to know that Shmuck was destined for failure. No sooner than stepping outside of the city gates did he run into trouble. Indeed, in less than a minute, in a whirlwind of long limbs did the known pickpocket Esca run past poor unwitting Shmuck, snatching his Mallet of Whomping and bounding further west.
His only lifeline gone, Shmuck chased the pickpocket in desperate pursuit, disregarding everything around him.
But his chase would be postponed, because then...
Edited, Sep 14th 2009 11:32pm by Xauna
His only lifeline gone, Shmuck chased the pickpocket in desperate pursuit, disregarding everything around him.
But his chase would be postponed, because then...
Edited, Sep 14th 2009 11:32pm by Xauna
a vicious fish attacked him, in struggle Schmuck decided to...
1 post
shmuck used his "mom's taint" job ability to confuse the fish into thinking he was one of them. it was just as good as a spell of deoderize, and he escaped into the wilds, where he....
...encountered a wild Chocobo in distress. The Chocobo seemed to be limping as it ran through Ronfaure Forest. Then from behind the tree from where the Chocobo emerged were two figures that Schmuck known to be called Orcs. They seemed to be chasing the Chocobo in question for some reason. It looked like the reason became clear when one of the Orcs looked like it had a Knife and Fork at the ready. The other Orc was weilding a Staff and had an odd kind of Hood over his head. This particular Orc kept stopping to chant words unbeknownst to Schmuck and seemed to be the more breathless of the two. The Chocobo is able to evade them... But for how long could the Chocobo keep this up?
Now Schmuck being a rather avid Chocobo fan due to the fact his Uncle being a "Chocobo Master" and has been all his life. (The truth is that his Uncle is actually a stable boy... He just never had the heart to tell Schmuck this.) He felt that he needed to do something to avert this crisis upon Chocobo kind! So he...
Now Schmuck being a rather avid Chocobo fan due to the fact his Uncle being a "Chocobo Master" and has been all his life. (The truth is that his Uncle is actually a stable boy... He just never had the heart to tell Schmuck this.) He felt that he needed to do something to avert this crisis upon Chocobo kind! So he...
...pulled out his pokeballs to catch the orcs, but quickly realized that he was no Ash Ketchum as they bounced uselessly off the their foreheads. Angered, the orcs turned their attention from the poor injured chocobo to the even poorer Schmuck.
Uh-oh, thought Schmuck as he turned to run away. I shoulda listened to Ma when she said those pokeballs were fake!
Pumping his legs as hard as he could, Schmuck ran through the Ronfaure Forest, unsure of where he was headed, just as long as he ran into a knight and not another orc.
Sweat started to drip down Schmuck's forehead and into his eyes. His vision blurred as he clumsily tried to wipe it away.
He didn't see the log until it was too late.
Uh-oh, thought Schmuck as he turned to run away. I shoulda listened to Ma when she said those pokeballs were fake!
Pumping his legs as hard as he could, Schmuck ran through the Ronfaure Forest, unsure of where he was headed, just as long as he ran into a knight and not another orc.
Sweat started to drip down Schmuck's forehead and into his eyes. His vision blurred as he clumsily tried to wipe it away.
He didn't see the log until it was too late.
[ffxisig]105298[/ffxisig]
Long Live Windurst! ( ＾∀＾）
Maat is a big bully! マートã€å¤§ã£å«Œã„ï¼( ⊃д⊂ )
Windurst Rank 10, San d'Oria Rank 10, Bastok Rank 10
Zombies are delicious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YH_9GzaUW40
Long Live Windurst! ( ＾∀＾）
Maat is a big bully! マートã€å¤§ã£å«Œã„ï¼( ⊃д⊂ )
Windurst Rank 10, San d'Oria Rank 10, Bastok Rank 10
Zombies are delicious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YH_9GzaUW40
Schmuck tripped and landed heavy on a rabbit, who promptly kicked him in the face and ran off, all the while the sound of heavy footsteps got closer and closer. Scrabbling to get up, Schmuck smelt the rancid, hot breath of the orcs, and before he knew it he was hoisted off his feet and found himself face to face with the orc.
Knowing he didn't have long...
Knowing he didn't have long...
/derail
You're implying that Ash Ketchum is a good Pokémon trainer. >:|
/rerail
kappachan, Eater of Souls wrote:
...pulled out his pokeballs to catch the orcs, but quickly realized that he was no Ash Ketchum as they bounced uselessly off the their foreheads.
You're implying that Ash Ketchum is a good Pokémon trainer. >:|
/rerail
He knew he didn't have long before they would catch him, so Shmuck worked up his courage and faced the Orcs. Outnumbered, with nowhere to run Shmuck drew out his Great Axe and muttered to himself, ********** it." and provoked the left Orc.
Infuriated the Orc gave a Warcry and charged our hapless hero Shmuck. Shmuck swang his Great Axe from the left and connected on the left Orc's jaw forcing a critical hit. This served to only deepen the Orc's fury and countered with a Battle Dance and wiped half of Shmuck's HP.
Shmuck sensed he was in deep trouble, so he immediately 2-houred with Mighty Strikes and Weapon Skilled the Orc to his death, but there was still one orc left and Shmuck only had 100 HP left. Alone in the wilderness Shmuck sensed his death was imminent, no reraise, not a town or adventurer for miles, this was his final stand. He thought to himself, "If I must die, then at least I will die a Warrior's death..."
The Orc's victory was nigh and one last blow was all that was needed to avenge his fallen comrade. At the precise moment of Shmuck's would be demise, Chocobo sweeps in from out of nowhere and tackles the Orc. Seizing his chance Shmuck delivers a fatal blow to the Orc's neck.
"You saved my life." said Shmuck, "How can I ever repay you?" intelligently the bird looked right at him and said to him as if it were a fleeting thought, You already have. My name is Those Orcs were going to commit me to a life slavery and hardship working in the mines. For this good sir, I am indebted to you Wark!
Shocked, Shmuck said aloud, "You can talk?! How?!" Chocobo said, The great Altana blessed all us Chocobo's with the gift of intelligence. My previous master was a great wizard and bestowed upon me the gift of telepathy so I could communicate with him better. Wark!
It took awhile for Shmuck to process everything that just happened, eventually Shmuck asked the Chocobo, "What is your name?"
The Chocobo responded, "My name is Glaive. My father was a famous Warbird and named me after his master's weapon, but that's not important right now. Those Orcs were only scouts. The beastman are on the rise again like never before but I don't know why. They've been scouring all of Vana'diel for resources...as if they're building for something...big...whatever it is I don't like it...."
Infuriated the Orc gave a Warcry and charged our hapless hero Shmuck. Shmuck swang his Great Axe from the left and connected on the left Orc's jaw forcing a critical hit. This served to only deepen the Orc's fury and countered with a Battle Dance and wiped half of Shmuck's HP.
Shmuck sensed he was in deep trouble, so he immediately 2-houred with Mighty Strikes and Weapon Skilled the Orc to his death, but there was still one orc left and Shmuck only had 100 HP left. Alone in the wilderness Shmuck sensed his death was imminent, no reraise, not a town or adventurer for miles, this was his final stand. He thought to himself, "If I must die, then at least I will die a Warrior's death..."
The Orc's victory was nigh and one last blow was all that was needed to avenge his fallen comrade. At the precise moment of Shmuck's would be demise, Chocobo sweeps in from out of nowhere and tackles the Orc. Seizing his chance Shmuck delivers a fatal blow to the Orc's neck.
"You saved my life." said Shmuck, "How can I ever repay you?" intelligently the bird looked right at him and said to him as if it were a fleeting thought, You already have. My name is Those Orcs were going to commit me to a life slavery and hardship working in the mines. For this good sir, I am indebted to you Wark!
Shocked, Shmuck said aloud, "You can talk?! How?!" Chocobo said, The great Altana blessed all us Chocobo's with the gift of intelligence. My previous master was a great wizard and bestowed upon me the gift of telepathy so I could communicate with him better. Wark!
It took awhile for Shmuck to process everything that just happened, eventually Shmuck asked the Chocobo, "What is your name?"
The Chocobo responded, "My name is Glaive. My father was a famous Warbird and named me after his master's weapon, but that's not important right now. Those Orcs were only scouts. The beastman are on the rise again like never before but I don't know why. They've been scouring all of Vana'diel for resources...as if they're building for something...big...whatever it is I don't like it...."
Feeling a little light headed, Schmuck tried to figure out what happened over the last 3 minutes... His expression was that of many dazed and confused Junkies found on the streets of San d'oria. The kind of Junkies you would see as you exited the Tanning Guild. They would always lurk in that same spot. Sniffing, Smoking and ingesting anything that would make them somewhat detached from this world. Seemingly devoid from all concious thought after partaking in their so called "rituals."
Some say you couldn't even pronounce their names... Half the time they would talk gibberish and ask you for gil at the most inappropriate of times. Some would dance for it, Some would offer other services outside the ones available on the streets. But one would not be bold enough to accept such offers of "business" as most of the time, you would get in trouble with the Temple Knights who would be on patrol in the area. There are even rumours that a few of them live under the floorboards of the guilds/stores and they all pop out when it's opening time... I guess that all just urban myth though right?
Glaive knew of this expression well. He had seen such faces on his travels too knowing what could become of it. He asked faintly in a soft voice to Schumck; "Are you ok?" to which Schmuck replied with a sluggish decent to the ground.
Panic stricken, Glaive instinctively nudged Schmuck in the hopes of reviving him. "Is he alive?" Glaive thought to himself as he tried desperately to save his new found friend and Hero. Glaive tried looking for signs of life as he frantically darted around Schmuck's Body. Glaive composed himself after he realised flapping around like a headless Chocobo wasn't the answer to the problem. After a few seconds of self possession he could hear conspiring between the flora and fauna of the Forest. Glaive had feeling that he better act fast or Schmuck might be claimed by Ronfaure Forest for good. He thought amongst the chittering and chattering of the forest to reveal a somewhat droning sound. "Is this ominous?" he thought. Glaive Looked out beyond the opening they were in to find trees staring at them. Worried and somewhat ill at ease slowly turned to look at Schmuck. Upon closer inspection, Glaive noticed that Schmuck's Chest was rising and lowering in time with this same droning sound. It then became clear to him that Schmuck appeared to be sleeping.
Glaive laughed it off and looked around to see if anyone was watching out of fear of embarrassment. He composed himself again and started chant some words. Though these words were strung into a kind of warble. As if he was casting a spell. After a while, White energy seemed to rush towards Schmuck which appeared to heal some wounds on his face from the previous battle he had with the Orcs. He also stirred and stared at Glaive with a lethargic daze. "I don't want to clean out the Chocobo muck today~ mmmm&%&#" as he fell back into the land of nod.
Edit: Made a few mistakes. :/ Why is no one continuing this story? It has Potential... >:P
Edited, Oct 2nd 2009 10:25am by ciaranjgw
Some say you couldn't even pronounce their names... Half the time they would talk gibberish and ask you for gil at the most inappropriate of times. Some would dance for it, Some would offer other services outside the ones available on the streets. But one would not be bold enough to accept such offers of "business" as most of the time, you would get in trouble with the Temple Knights who would be on patrol in the area. There are even rumours that a few of them live under the floorboards of the guilds/stores and they all pop out when it's opening time... I guess that all just urban myth though right?
Glaive knew of this expression well. He had seen such faces on his travels too knowing what could become of it. He asked faintly in a soft voice to Schumck; "Are you ok?" to which Schmuck replied with a sluggish decent to the ground.
Panic stricken, Glaive instinctively nudged Schmuck in the hopes of reviving him. "Is he alive?" Glaive thought to himself as he tried desperately to save his new found friend and Hero. Glaive tried looking for signs of life as he frantically darted around Schmuck's Body. Glaive composed himself after he realised flapping around like a headless Chocobo wasn't the answer to the problem. After a few seconds of self possession he could hear conspiring between the flora and fauna of the Forest. Glaive had feeling that he better act fast or Schmuck might be claimed by Ronfaure Forest for good. He thought amongst the chittering and chattering of the forest to reveal a somewhat droning sound. "Is this ominous?" he thought. Glaive Looked out beyond the opening they were in to find trees staring at them. Worried and somewhat ill at ease slowly turned to look at Schmuck. Upon closer inspection, Glaive noticed that Schmuck's Chest was rising and lowering in time with this same droning sound. It then became clear to him that Schmuck appeared to be sleeping.
Glaive laughed it off and looked around to see if anyone was watching out of fear of embarrassment. He composed himself again and started chant some words. Though these words were strung into a kind of warble. As if he was casting a spell. After a while, White energy seemed to rush towards Schmuck which appeared to heal some wounds on his face from the previous battle he had with the Orcs. He also stirred and stared at Glaive with a lethargic daze. "I don't want to clean out the Chocobo muck today~ mmmm&%&#" as he fell back into the land of nod.
Edit: Made a few mistakes. :/ Why is no one continuing this story? It has Potential... >:P
Edited, Oct 2nd 2009 10:25am by ciaranjgw
~bump~
Glaive had resigned himself to watching over this hapless adventurer. Brave to be sure, he thought, yet unlikely to make Hero of the Thoughtful Strategy list this year. But Glaive had been taught that fate had its own way about it and felt that for good or for ill, he would be Schmucks' Sancho Panza.
Schmuck finally awoke several hours later. His wounds were healed and he felt great. He had a new companion, was nearly to his next level, and an idea on what to do next. It was clever, he thought. It was really really clever, he thought. He'd show them all this time! And he leapt up and ran off North.
Glaive ran after schmuck screaming. Waaarrrkk!!! Waarrrkk!!! What are you doing Schmuck? The entire beastman army is that way. I told you this was only a small patrol. We should go to the city and warn the guards.
Schmuck merely shook his head. I know what I'm doing. Trust me! I KNOW how to stop them and put an end forever to the beastman threat to Sandy. Schmuck put his head down and set himself to autorun while he considered the best way to put his plan into action.
First, he would need a disquise. Second he'd need something very large and shiny. And finally, he'd have to have a really great speech.
Hahahah Schmuck heard in his head. Good luck with that.
Schmuck finally awoke several hours later. His wounds were healed and he felt great. He had a new companion, was nearly to his next level, and an idea on what to do next. It was clever, he thought. It was really really clever, he thought. He'd show them all this time! And he leapt up and ran off North.
Glaive ran after schmuck screaming. Waaarrrkk!!! Waarrrkk!!! What are you doing Schmuck? The entire beastman army is that way. I told you this was only a small patrol. We should go to the city and warn the guards.
Schmuck merely shook his head. I know what I'm doing. Trust me! I KNOW how to stop them and put an end forever to the beastman threat to Sandy. Schmuck put his head down and set himself to autorun while he considered the best way to put his plan into action.
First, he would need a disquise. Second he'd need something very large and shiny. And finally, he'd have to have a really great speech.
Hahahah Schmuck heard in his head. Good luck with that.
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