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Hitting Rock BottomFollow

#1 Jan 31 2008 at 10:53 PM Rating: Default
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If you plan to read this, read it all. Don't read part of it. don't skip to bottom and comment..In fact don't comment at all. Just read it and hear my story, before anything else happens you can not fix because it's reached beyond your control. Here is my story.

Have you ever gone so long, for years, hiding behind something to have the possibility of never having to deal with it?

Have you ever thought what it'd be like, to know what its like to be free from the chains and actions that binds each to his or her own's bonds of life?

Can anyone even relate? Can anyone even fathom(sp) the reality that hits us each day?...I can. Read, or ridicule me, or tell me to gtfo, nothing will matter, but read before you comment please. Thank you. And everything I am telling you now, I have never told anyone before and should not now, but I hope to reach people ..and hope they can avoid what I've done.

I been going ballistic on several friends as of late, some I even have known for the entire 4yr-5yrs I've played this wonderful game of FFXI. Friends of whom I've never think I'd ever break ties with.

I even joined a honestly great LS< even tho ...weird at times, alot of good people there-short tempered at times I'll be honest, but they accepted me and befriended me and allowed me to dwell in their LS of theirs.

Just recently decided to ask them why I had been let into that LS, despite all the rumors and facts that have been told about me. Then ...out of being pure tired, I started talking about life to one of my leaders. They probly didn't care, but they listened.

It made me think really, about what I said. How I played this game for such a long time, it was the very reason I lived, to play this. It made me think alot.

I kind of nodded it off and didn't care. Then got into a fight with a LS member who hated me for reasons unkown, so I decided to blow off steam again and talked about the same reasons I hate/love this game.

It made me think even more.

I hope you all never have to go through this, or have more self control then I ever hope to have. But the reasons and things I had talked to those people about made me realize how pathetic I really was, I hit rock bottom in life and finally realized it. I don't want pity, I dont want "I'm sorry to hear that'...

Just don't let it happen to you...

For four-5years..I played this game, for four to five years..I rambled and played this game my hardest to be the very best I could hope to be...but with actions that fail to define the reasons I even did such things to myself..

I went for years, making webpages to make my income, I never left my house if barely to jog/exercise...I ignored my friends even tho they knocked on my door, called my house, sent me invites to hang out, get drunk have fun..every week they tried harder ad harder to get to know me and I shut them out, I left them be.

I never went to funerals when friends died, I never went to family reuinions for anything, I even lived with some gay @#%^ who let me into their hosue(good friend at the time...knew them through another friend)..I worked a Job, I paid bills...

Decided to move in with this friend of mine, known them for 3yrs, they never wonce hit on me or tried anything because was very respectful of their friends reguardless of their sexual orientation. He started to get mean during days he got depressed, I ignored that, down to the day I almost was stabbed and molested by him while I was sleeping...woke up to see him trying to do something to me...I took the knife and had it at his throat saying if he did anything I'd end his life.

Days went by and I stayed living at that apartment. Reguardless of previous actions that had happened, being scared every day of my life what could happen to me...if I went to sleep...all to play this tiny little game...the reason you seen me on it day and night 2yrs ago.

I finally moved out after 2yrs of 2-3hr sleep days and working, moved out finally out of that hellhole..

I never went out to get laid, to get a girl that appreciate me, or I'd acknowledge was alive, because I wanted to play this game instead.

I did many more things I could name, but I think this is enough.

I have absolutely no self control when it comes to this, and I am sooo much better irl then I am making myself to be right now, I never have problems outside before I started this, I got myself so sucked in, its ripping me apart, its decaying my life, its going to kill me if I dont stop.

On FEB 28th, my character will be deleted, removed eradicated, given to a friend to change password then delete so I cant come back, all my merits have been removed, almost all rare/ex gear is gone. I won't come back, I won't return.

I am sorry to anyone I have pissed off, I am sorry for anything I've done, my childish acts and temper tantrums...I am so sorry for everything, and maybe I took out my hatred of life on you all I'll never know.

But please don't hate me on me leaving, I don't want enemies on leaving... I had so many good friends, and could of had more. I wish you all the best of luck, and please...if you do anything, don't ruin your life, like I have mine...you do not want to know what it feels like, sitting all alone at home crying because you are afraid what will happen if you take that knife and cut your wrists, that you wont be able to stop....please don't do anything to ruin your lifes, live good don't ruin it because you'll never know what you got till its gone...your friends, family...everything...I am even crying writing you this because I dont want to leave you all behind I love you all so much-you all were the best friends I could ever have and I ..I just...don't know...I can;'t go on living like this something has to change something has to be resolved

and I need help. I don't believe in god. but I hope there is one cause I need it bad...and ...just..never..give up on yourself, and you'll never have a bad life.

I end my wall-o-text saying g'bye to the friends I had, the botters I hated even tho alot of cool people were them, the stoners I met, the friends I could have had...and everything else I could imagine.

Your Friend if you'll allow it,
Escalone Moriente.

After I got done wanted to come back...and say one last thing...

I also want to clear up some rumors...

Joyuse RMT incident, I didn't know they were RMT so accepted their help. Got sword

My Vermy@66RDM which started the rumors, PLed Leonx to lvl 20 for 25M form lvl 15. Bought Vermy cause to lazy to quest AF.

Bought gil? No, Sold it? Nope

Spammed whitegate lagging people and fighting with people because of random things? Alot.

Made most my gil making hakataku clusters selling for 1.5-3M each back in the day...on to other things...


Selling my account? No, I do not want anyone ruining the skill ad semi-good rep I had while on ifrit, and using what they can't even fathom to even proccess in their tiny heads on how to use the complicated macros that make me a good skilled RDM and RNG.

Plus, its only work 100$. Not worth it to make people hate me jsut because of it.

Swapping servers? Was going to instead of this direct result, but it all hit me at once, and if I come back it'll repeat itself.

I don't think I got anything more to say. Later.

Edited, Feb 1st 2008 2:01am by Escaflone

Edited, Mar 25th 2008 7:53pm by Lia
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#2 Jan 31 2008 at 11:47 PM Rating: Decent
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Esca we have had our differences but I truly wish you all the best irl.
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#3 Jan 31 2008 at 11:54 PM Rating: Default
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#4 Feb 01 2008 at 2:04 AM Rating: Decent
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Sorry to hear Esca I didn't really know you but whether or not anyone wants to believe it this game can be an addiction and your not the only one who's gone through this sort of thing; as for this bit...

Quote:
I ignored my friends even tho they knocked on my door, called my house, sent me invites to hang out, get drunk have fun..every week they tried harder ad harder to get to know me and I shut them out, I left them be.


I can partially relate to it, I lost a couple irl friends due to me ignoring them and playing this game, then only to find out later that they moved house/country and/or changed phone numbers. It's not a nice feeling.

Lucky enough I got back in touch, it's not worth prioritizing a game over friends. This is going back a while now of course... and i'm still playing damnit.
#5 Feb 01 2008 at 6:15 AM Rating: Default
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Later man and GL w/RL. I never knew you in game but I have read alot of your stuff on here.

Most come back, no matter what they say though >.> I did about the same thing as you. Had to start a new char. and everything. Didnt stop me after 6 months off.
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#6 Feb 01 2008 at 10:31 AM Rating: Decent
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Ouch man. I'm not trying to be funny or anything but, are you planning to play offline games then?
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#7 Feb 01 2008 at 11:10 AM Rating: Decent
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Not from Ifrit, but I had a buddy from shiva who posted a similar heart-wrenching rant that made me think alot about the game (which I don't really play anymore, college)

My best piece of advice I could give is: Go to the gym. Going to the gym gives your brain feel-good chemicals, and if you manage to make it to routine you will get a bolster of confidence necessary to break away from this game. No joke. Goodluck.
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#8 Feb 01 2008 at 2:03 PM Rating: Default
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>_< that really does suck, I know quite a few people that loose control of their life and forget that they need to make real life obligations a priority. Some times I feel sad when I see those people quiting but I know that they are making that decision for all of the right reasons. I am glad you were able to get a hold of some work during the last few months and I hope that things only improve for you...

What ever happens, just remember that there are people who enjoyed your company in this game and I am sure that there will be plenty more who can enjoy your company in real life. Best of luck to you man, don't be shy abouant saying hi here d there on MSN. Gona miss you...
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#9 Feb 02 2008 at 8:30 AM Rating: Default
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Best of luck IRL Esca.
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#10 Feb 02 2008 at 8:17 PM Rating: Good
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That sucks Esca. Good Luck.
#11 Feb 02 2008 at 8:31 PM Rating: Good
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Quote:
Ouch man. I'm not trying to be funny or anything but, are you planning to play offline games then?


No. I will play online games that have no real attachment that more then just I play, and for short periods. Battlefield 2 comes to mind.

Just take that rifle, aim it at opposing player... BAM. Headshot.

It's a good feeling when you're not stressing over making events on time, or wiping to HNM. All you do is log into server, choose weapon, and fire away.

I am even talking to a represenitive of the company that owns Poke'Mon.

ALot of my friends share this idea too...I think a Pokemon MMORPG would spice of the gaming style of players, and I honestly see no real stress other then loosing to gym leaders, or opposing PvP Pokemon Battles.

I am not a Pokemon Fan myself, but this would strike my interest, Pokemon Stadium was a fun game, too.



Edited, Feb 2nd 2008 11:33pm by Escaflone
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#12 Feb 03 2008 at 1:04 PM Rating: Default
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wow yeah I like that idea lol, I used to be really into pokemon, the show was lame but the cards game was well put together and the games were always entertaining.
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#13 Feb 04 2008 at 6:22 AM Rating: Default
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I know what it's like hitting rock bottom.
Slinging dope for 3 years living in a house full of Crystal Meth addicted strangers who said they were my friends. Never showering, never eating and never sleeping. Coincidentally, the owner of the house was gay.

This is a rap/poem I wrote while strung out and coming down after being up for 5 days.
Quote:

-High or Die-
"Fuk you for thinking I'm a piece of sh*t
Fuk you for thinking I can't handle it
Fuk you for laughing at me behind my back
When all I want is for someone to listen
But instead I die inside as the lonliness eats me alive.
Faith means nothing, God aint no man, his own image?
sh*t that Faggot laughed when at the last minute he'd pull away his hand
But everytime I fell for it, I trusted and believed he'd never leave
But now I see Jehova for who he really is, just a worthless niggger
Freewill? Fuk you bitch it's your fault I almost pulled that trigger!
As I dig this blade into my skin I cum harder than the steel I use for the diggin
"Fuk how can I bitch about a make believe man?"
"He's not even real", I recite as I watch my life flow down my hand
I've tried to be good, I've tried to make everyone happy
But look where my insecurity got me
I was climbin that ladder eagerly smilin but I fell so fast when I hit
I felt my dreams fuking shatter
And nothing is sadder when for others you sacrifice your dignity
Fuk if I could go back I'd pump a fuk load of lead into me!
How could I be so stupid, was the smoke that fuking thick?
I guess I was lost behind a veil I smoked through a glass d!ck
Family talks sh*t, friends fuking avoid me
Even when I've died nobody holds me
The tunnel is closing my body is freezin
Oh sh*t my own life I'm seizin
This sh*t aint right, I know cause I don't shed a tear
I should be dead but my will is too strong
I'm not fuking sad, what I just did was wrong
Too pissed to die, too real to lie
Fuk this sh*t where's my glass d!ck I'm gonna get high
Fuk all who thinks their sh*t don't stink
Bitch I've been through too much to give a fuk what you think
I've been kickin to hard to let myself sink
No one's bringin me down
Cause I've been through too much to give a fuk what anyone thinks!"


I know what it's like hitting rock bottom.
It's not something to ever look back on.

Edit: Edited for all the profanity edited by the site


Edited, Feb 4th 2008 6:26am by Niklz

Edited, Feb 4th 2008 6:27am by Niklz
#14Ulgokiem, Posted: Feb 04 2008 at 12:42 PM, Rating: Sub-Default, (Expand Post) Esca if you ever need to talk or anything, hop on MSN I'm usually around.
#15 Feb 08 2008 at 7:37 AM Rating: Decent
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103 posts
i wish you the best bro ; ; rock out irl.
#16 Feb 13 2008 at 11:56 PM Rating: Default
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Comming to ifrit from bismarck you probly didnt see me much but ive ran into you a few times and I hope everything goes realy well for you.
#17 Feb 14 2008 at 6:41 PM Rating: Default
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198 posts
Take care esca.
#18 Feb 15 2008 at 4:34 PM Rating: Default
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Wow... just wow... Esca I never met you but I hope you find all that has been missing from your rl...

Best wishes to you for friends, life, and love...

Edited, Feb 15th 2008 7:35pm by OldAndWise
#19Evalen, Posted: Mar 05 2008 at 6:23 PM, Rating: Sub-Default, (Expand Post) I know exactly how you feel dude, only when I quit FFXI, I just moved onto another game... cant stop playing.
#20 Mar 19 2008 at 11:55 AM Rating: Default
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Sounds like some people could use a bit of counselling.

Addictions are addctions, whether its a videogame, drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, gambling. Best thing to do is to see someone that can help as sometimes its hard to go it alone.

Hopefully you can get the help you need. FFXI is a wonderful escape from the dreariness of daily life but it should not become your daily life.
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#21 Mar 19 2008 at 1:51 PM Rating: Decent
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barack obottom
#22 Mar 25 2008 at 3:53 PM Rating: Good
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I'm locking this thread. You guys really need to quit bringing it back. No reason for that at all.
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