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#1 Mar 08 2014 at 1:08 AM Rating: Excellent
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My husband and I decided to get a divorce tonight.

That's the first time I've written it out like that.

I have NO IDEA what to do next to get this started. I have no idea how to do this.
#2 Mar 08 2014 at 3:08 AM Rating: Excellent
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I'm sorry to hear that.

Get a lawyer.
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#3 Mar 08 2014 at 3:18 AM Rating: Good
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Well that sucks. Good luck dealing with the whole thing and I hope you don't end up fighting over everything.
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#4 Mar 08 2014 at 5:39 AM Rating: Good
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Samira wrote:
I'm sorry to hear that.

Get a lawyer.

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#5 Mar 08 2014 at 6:12 AM Rating: Good
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Sorry, to hear that Belkira.

Breath.

Edit: I started this post on my tablet, but decided I needed to find a keyboard.

If you don't have a lawyer and want one and money is an issue, check with your local law school.

Hang in there! [:hug:]

Edited, Mar 8th 2014 1:24pm by Elinda
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#6 Mar 08 2014 at 7:42 AM Rating: Good
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Hopefully it was a mutual decision and it ends amicably.
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#7 Mar 08 2014 at 8:33 AM Rating: Good
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Hopefully it was a mutual decision and it ends amicably.


As mutual as it can be. Neither of us really want it to end, but it turns out that I never really knew him. He said he was afraid if I did, I wouldn't want to be married to him. Turns out he was right, in a way.

We've always had problems with him being a little too friendly with other women, having friendships that seemed a little inappropriate to me. I always thought it was just me, that I was just too jealous, but it turns out that he just doesn't actually believe that anyone can actually stay monogamous, nor should they. He says he's never cheated on me, but I believe that's only because he hasn't found a woman that was willing to sleep with a married man at the places he worked, and he's too socially awkward to just go to a bar or something to pick up a one night stand. There were other things he was lying to me about during basically our whole marriage, like him keeping in contact with certain ex-girlfriends that, after counseling, he said he wouldn't talk to and going to lunch with co-workers when he knows that I was already suspicious of their relationship.

It never mattered how many times he broke my trust and I was upset, he just kept on doing it over and over. He admitted that he'd never change, and I can't live like this, so the best thing is to call it quits before we hate one another.

The problem is.... I'm basically destitute now. My current job doesn't pay **** we only have one car, and even if I wanted to take it, I couldn't afford the car payment and insurance, and I'm on his health insurance.

Right now, I'm just trying to pack up my stuff while my mom and her husband drive down to pick me up. Then we'll see where to go from there.
#8 Mar 08 2014 at 8:47 AM Rating: Excellent
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So sorry to hear that. I know you've gone through a lot of moving and changes the last couple years to try and make stuff work.
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#9 Mar 08 2014 at 8:50 AM Rating: Excellent
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Sorry to be nosey, but were the two moves (that I recall) part of his agenda? I only ask because. if you were the "good wife" and uprooted life, job, etc, it may afford you some weight in divorce proceeding should it go that way.

Having said that, as a divorced person, I hope that you get what I got, which was a closer friend than I had when I was married. My ex-wife and I are more able to share, care, communicate, and help emotionally now, then we were when we were married, because there is no "checklist" that is in play...we can just love each other without worrying about all the other stuff.

I feel for you, it was a hard two or three years for me, I hope it goes better for you.
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#10 Mar 08 2014 at 8:56 AM Rating: Good
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Professor stupidmonkey wrote:
Sorry to be nosey, but were the two moves (that I recall) part of his agenda? I only ask because. if you were the "good wife" and uprooted life, job, etc, it may afford you some weight in divorce proceeding should it go that way.

Having said that, as a divorced person, I hope that you get what I got, which was a closer friend than I had when I was married. My ex-wife and I are more able to share, care, communicate, and help emotionally now, then we were when we were married, because there is no "checklist" that is in play...we can just love each other without worrying about all the other stuff.

I feel for you, it was a hard two or three years for me, I hope it goes better for you.


I'm not sure what "agenda" you mean, but it was a mutual move. It was for a job for him, though, so yeah, I did "uproot," I suppose. But I don't want "weight" in a divorce. We've already basically talked about everything. The only thing I'm really asking for is some money from his retirement account, because I took $10k out of mine to pay off the credit card debt we had accrued with the moves. He's agreed to that.
#11 Mar 08 2014 at 9:02 AM Rating: Excellent
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Yeah, I just wondered if it was you living his life, maybe agenda was too strong of a word.

sounds like it is fairly amicable, or as much as it can be. I hope that things go smoothly.

This is probably one of those moment where I am supposed to listen and be supportive, rather than try and fix the (perceived) problem. I learned about that during MY divorce Smiley: lol
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#12 Mar 08 2014 at 9:12 AM Rating: Good
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We still love each other. I don't know if that makes it easier or not, honestly....
#13 Mar 08 2014 at 9:32 AM Rating: Decent
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Which state did you end up in?
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#14 Mar 08 2014 at 9:35 AM Rating: Good
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Very sorry to hear this.

And yes, get a lawyer.
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#15 Mar 08 2014 at 9:40 AM Rating: Excellent
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Smiley: frown

So sorry to hear that Belkira. Hang in there, these things can work out better for everyone in the end.

Here's some cheer, limited as it may be. Smiley: flowers
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#16 Mar 08 2014 at 10:09 AM Rating: Good
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Timelordwho wrote:
Samira wrote:
I'm sorry to hear that.

Get a lawyer.
Lawyer up, hit the gym, delete Facebook. Or something.
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#17 Mar 08 2014 at 10:21 AM Rating: Good
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My condolences, especially since you say that neither of you actually want it to end. It is difficult if trust is gone. I suppose since this is a mutual decision that the die has been cast.. Now I don't want to pretend to know your situation, your age, children ect (your title though..heh) but I always try to keep in mind that getting to know someone is an ongoing process and likely will be until death.. It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy but in my view it is rather lame that he is being honest about such things and yet doesn't seem to care enough about your lives together to try to actually do anything about it so perhaps it is for the best for you to not be with someone that is not willing to put in the effort that you deserve as a spouse. I remember reading a letter that J.R.R. Tolkien wrote to his son about "soul mates" saying that the soul mate isn't the person that you think you should be with but rather the person that you ended up marrying. You seem to care about the relationship more than he does if he's the one just saying "yeah, I'm a tool and can't(won't) commit to commitment and won't try to change". If you guys went to counseling then there was clearly a point were you guys tried to make it work.. it's just a shame that even now that this stuff is out in the open that nothing can be done.

Why is it that only after the damage is done that people finally start being honest with one another?

either way; best of luck to you. I'm glad you have family to fall back on.

Edited, Mar 8th 2014 11:22am by Kelvyquayo
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#18 Mar 08 2014 at 10:24 AM Rating: Good
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Which state did you end up in?
Florida, unless her mom drives her across a state line.
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#19 Mar 08 2014 at 11:19 AM Rating: Decent
Sorry to hear that. Get a lawyer, if you split on good terms don't ream him to hard.
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#20 Mar 08 2014 at 12:04 PM Rating: Excellent
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Friar Bijou wrote:
Smasharoo wrote:
Which state did you end up in?
Florida, unless her mom drives her across a state line.


I'll be heading back to Tennessee. He will remain in Florida.
#21 Mar 08 2014 at 12:08 PM Rating: Good
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Kelvyquayo wrote:
It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy but in my view it is rather lame that he is being honest about such things and yet doesn't seem to care enough about your lives together to try to actually do anything about it [...]


At the same time, though, if that's who he is, he shouldn't change to accommodate me. I just wish he had been upfront about it instead of spending the last 10 years thinking that we were on the same page.
#22 Mar 08 2014 at 12:37 PM Rating: Excellent
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Quote:
It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy


That's not necessarily a fault. The fault was lack of communication, probably driven by a desire TO keep them together.

Doesn't make the whole situation less shitty, though.
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#23 Mar 08 2014 at 1:07 PM Rating: Decent
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Wait, I thought marriage was supposed to be all about about misery and resentfulness?
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#24 Mar 08 2014 at 3:39 PM Rating: Good
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Timelordwho wrote:
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It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy


That's not necessarily a fault. The fault was lack of communication, probably driven by a desire TO keep them together.

Doesn't make the whole situation less shitty, though.
What TLW said.


And I just made you guru, gratz.
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#25 Mar 08 2014 at 4:23 PM Rating: Excellent
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I'm sorry you have to go through that. It's unfortunate, but who knows, maybe it will make both of you happier in the long run? being the perpetual bachelor I can't really offer any good advice other than try not to dwell on the negatives while you are working through things. It's going to eat you up inside anyways, but you can make it harder on yourself. There are worse fates than spending 10 years with someone to talk with and share the strugle of you vs. the world with, even if things didn't work out in the end.

Here's hoping for a better future that will make you happier!
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#26 Mar 08 2014 at 4:39 PM Rating: Excellent
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His Excellency Aethien wrote:
Timelordwho wrote:
Quote:
It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy


That's not necessarily a fault. The fault was lack of communication, probably driven by a desire TO keep them together.

Doesn't make the whole situation less shitty, though.
What TLW said.


And I just made you guru, gratz.


I'd like to thank the academy...
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#27 Mar 08 2014 at 5:20 PM Rating: Excellent
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Belkira the Tulip wrote:
Friar Bijou wrote:
Smasharoo wrote:
Which state did you end up in?
Florida, unless her mom drives her across a state line.


I'll be heading back to Tennessee. He will remain in Florida.

Sorry to hear this, Belk. Glad you'll be coming back to the good state.

If you want, once you get settled in, we should go have a drink or five. Next month, 6 months later, 2 years later, whenever. I'm being serious.
#28 Mar 08 2014 at 5:52 PM Rating: Excellent
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Nadenu wrote:
If you want, once you get settled in, we should go have a drink or five. Next month, 6 months later, 2 years later, whenever. I'm being serious.


I will take you up on that, as soon as I can procure a car. :D
#29 Mar 08 2014 at 5:53 PM Rating: Excellent
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Also, oddly enough, one of my old co-workers at the good job I had in Nashville is going part time, and possibly leaving... my old boss is going to call me soon.
#30 Mar 08 2014 at 5:58 PM Rating: Excellent
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#31 Mar 08 2014 at 6:47 PM Rating: Excellent
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Belkira the Tulip wrote:
Also, oddly enough, one of my old co-workers at the good job I had in Nashville is going part time, and possibly leaving... my old boss is going to call me soon.

Hope that works out. A bit of stability right now would be a good thing.
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#32 Mar 08 2014 at 6:51 PM Rating: Excellent
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That would be some **** good timing by your former colleague. I'm helpng you hope.
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#33 Mar 08 2014 at 6:52 PM Rating: Good
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Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.
#34 Mar 08 2014 at 7:11 PM Rating: Default
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Belkira wrote:
The problem is.... I'm basically destitute now. My current job doesn't pay sh*t, we only have one car, and even if I wanted to take it, I couldn't afford the car payment and insurance, and I'm on his health insurance.


Not trying to be funny, but don't forget about ACA. Hopefully, you can get something.
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#35 Mar 08 2014 at 7:28 PM Rating: Good
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Timelordwho wrote:
His Excellency Aethien wrote:
Timelordwho wrote:
Quote:
It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy


That's not necessarily a fault. The fault was lack of communication, probably driven by a desire TO keep them together.

Doesn't make the whole situation less shitty, though.
What TLW said.


And I just made you guru, gratz.


I'd like to thank the academy...
I apologize in advance, but it's ping pong time.
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#36 Mar 08 2014 at 8:02 PM Rating: Excellent
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Belkira the Tulip wrote:
Nadenu wrote:
If you want, once you get settled in, we should go have a drink or five. Next month, 6 months later, 2 years later, whenever. I'm being serious.


I will take you up on that, as soon as I can procure a car. :D

It's a date.
#37 Mar 08 2014 at 8:08 PM Rating: Good
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Belki! Smiley: frown My deepest commiserations. I hope like **** you two come out of this friends. Or that at least, you come to peace with how the two of you do wind up, in each other's lives or out of them. Once you get settled in you could invite Nadenu around and make *her* drive/bus to you. Smiley: sly
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#38 Mar 08 2014 at 9:31 PM Rating: Good
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Belkira the Tulip wrote:
Friar Bijou wrote:
Smasharoo wrote:
Which state did you end up in?
Florida, unless her mom drives her across a state line.


I'll be heading back to Tennessee. He will remain in Florida.


That's a shame. I actually wanted to see you sometime while you were here in Florida. My brother lives in Tennessee though, so maybe someday.
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#39 Mar 09 2014 at 12:11 PM Rating: Good
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Sorry to hear this, Belkira.

Make sure to take care of yourself, as divorces are always stressful no matter how hard you try to settle things between the two of you. Since you were married 10 years, you should qualify for half of his retirement benefits by law. Ten years is a long time to stick it out, but the government recognizes it as if you never divorce for Soc Sec. Benefits at retirement age, as long as you don't remarry.

Did I say to make sure you take care of yourself? Try to find time to pamper yourself as often as you can. The coming months of stress can take a toll on your body, as I well know.
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#40 Mar 09 2014 at 2:07 PM Rating: Excellent
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Bel, I'm sorry to hear this. While it doesn't help make you feel better now, I want you to know that what you are doing is brave, staying true to yourself, even if it means letting go of someone you love. I had to do something similar not that long ago and making that choice to stay true was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.

Hugs
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#41 Mar 10 2014 at 5:59 PM Rating: Good
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I'm sorry to hear that, Belkira. :(
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#42 Mar 11 2014 at 4:14 PM Rating: Good
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Wow, sucks to hear that. And, uh, sorry about that post I made.
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#43 Mar 11 2014 at 4:39 PM Rating: Good
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Timelordwho wrote:
Quote:
It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy


That's not necessarily a fault. The fault was lack of communication, probably driven by a desire TO keep them together.


I don't want to argue your entire point in this thread..whether or not to think that belief in polygamy or just multiple partners is a good thing or bad..
..but I would still say that in this case it was indeed the fault of his views about monogamy if indeed he held to this view and at the same time entered into a monogamous relationship.. whether he was deluded or whether he simply thought that he COULD change his ways (and failed) it is still a fault that he couldn't just come to grips with his personal view of monogamy before he got married.
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#44 Mar 12 2014 at 7:26 AM Rating: Good
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I would imagine that the normal person of our society would expect going into a marriage that it would be a monogamous relationship. If this were not the intention, seems like it would be an oddball enough thing that the two would have discussed and agreed on alternate arrangements.

If Mr. Belk married without the intention of being monogamous and failed to relate that to Belkira, I think that is dishonest. Sure, maybe she should have specifically asked the question about sexual exclusivity, but again, in our society monogamy is pretty much a default marriage position.
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#45 Mar 12 2014 at 7:28 AM Rating: Excellent
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...Enough so that if you suggested removing the "forsaking all others" clause from the vows, most partners would be.... curious.... as to why.

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#46 Mar 12 2014 at 7:37 AM Rating: Good
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The vows need to be updated for the new millennium.
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#47 Mar 12 2014 at 12:39 PM Rating: Excellent
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He never cheated on me. Let me be clear about that. He says he hasn't, and I believe him. However, he has always wanted to. And he always will. And he will always seek out relationships with other women that could one day lead to that.

It's been an ongoing problem in our marriage. Really, the only problem to be honest, that's why it went on so long. He can try to live his way, and I wish him the absolute best. I just can't live that way, and it's not fair for me to force him to live my way, and it's not fair for him to force me to live his. He was compromising in ways, but in my opinion, he has had "emotional" affairs, if you will.

We had a long talk last night and I feel better about the situation. We both might be miserable right now, and for a while, but in the end, it's going to be for the best.
#48 Mar 12 2014 at 12:49 PM Rating: Good
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Belkira the Tulip wrote:
He never cheated on me. Let me be clear about that. He says he hasn't, and I believe him. However, he has always wanted to. And he always will.
That seems so normal.

Don't we all fantasize about **** with someone who's not our partner? Understanding that it's just fantasy and rarely is the grass any greener in someone else's pasture and vows are designed to keep just such thoughts from ever becoming action is kind of what marriage is all about.

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#49 Mar 12 2014 at 12:53 PM Rating: Good
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The vows need to be updated for the new millennium.
Seriously, since **** isn't necessary for kids anymore ...or marriage, I could conceive of a time when our preferred life partner was not necessarily the same person as our preferred **** partner(s).


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#50 Mar 12 2014 at 1:00 PM Rating: Excellent
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Elinda wrote:
Belkira the Tulip wrote:
He never cheated on me. Let me be clear about that. He says he hasn't, and I believe him. However, he has always wanted to. And he always will.
That seems so normal.

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#51 Mar 12 2014 at 1:04 PM Rating: Good
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Elinda wrote:
Belkira the Tulip wrote:
He never cheated on me. Let me be clear about that. He says he hasn't, and I believe him. However, he has always wanted to. And he always will.
That seems so normal.

Don't we all fantasize about **** with someone who's not our partner? Understanding that it's just fantasy and rarely is the grass any greener in someone else's pasture and vows are designed to keep just such thoughts from ever becoming action is kind of what marriage is all about.



Fantasizing and actively seeking out relationships with women in the hopes it will lead to an affair are two different things. He was consistently being over friendly with other women, which cause an issue with me, and he never seemed to be too concerned about how much it hurt me.

Six years ago we went to counseling because he would not stop talking to his ex girlfriends. He agreed that he would stop, and as far as I knew, it had. I found out last Friday that he had a "fake" Facebook account and he was continuing to talk to at least one of them. But it was his new "friend" at work that was the recent issue, and it was a fight about her and how he acted with her (constantly texting, sending private facebook messages, IM'ing at work all day, etc.) that led to him finally being honest with why he acts like this with every female that gives him the slightest bit of attention. I had asked him not to go to lunch with this chick alone, because I was already concerned about the amount that they were talking. He promised he wouldn't. Turns out he has at least three times.

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