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#1 Mar 08 2014 at 1:08 AM Rating: Excellent
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My husband and I decided to get a divorce tonight.

That's the first time I've written it out like that.

I have NO IDEA what to do next to get this started. I have no idea how to do this.
#2 Mar 08 2014 at 3:08 AM Rating: Excellent
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I'm sorry to hear that.

Get a lawyer.
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#3 Mar 08 2014 at 3:18 AM Rating: Good
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Well that sucks. Good luck dealing with the whole thing and I hope you don't end up fighting over everything.
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#4 Mar 08 2014 at 5:39 AM Rating: Good
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Samira wrote:
I'm sorry to hear that.

Get a lawyer.

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#5 Mar 08 2014 at 6:12 AM Rating: Good
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Sorry, to hear that Belkira.

Breath.

Edit: I started this post on my tablet, but decided I needed to find a keyboard.

If you don't have a lawyer and want one and money is an issue, check with your local law school.

Hang in there! [:hug:]

Edited, Mar 8th 2014 1:24pm by Elinda
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#6 Mar 08 2014 at 7:42 AM Rating: Good
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Hopefully it was a mutual decision and it ends amicably.
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#7 Mar 08 2014 at 8:33 AM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
Hopefully it was a mutual decision and it ends amicably.


As mutual as it can be. Neither of us really want it to end, but it turns out that I never really knew him. He said he was afraid if I did, I wouldn't want to be married to him. Turns out he was right, in a way.

We've always had problems with him being a little too friendly with other women, having friendships that seemed a little inappropriate to me. I always thought it was just me, that I was just too jealous, but it turns out that he just doesn't actually believe that anyone can actually stay monogamous, nor should they. He says he's never cheated on me, but I believe that's only because he hasn't found a woman that was willing to sleep with a married man at the places he worked, and he's too socially awkward to just go to a bar or something to pick up a one night stand. There were other things he was lying to me about during basically our whole marriage, like him keeping in contact with certain ex-girlfriends that, after counseling, he said he wouldn't talk to and going to lunch with co-workers when he knows that I was already suspicious of their relationship.

It never mattered how many times he broke my trust and I was upset, he just kept on doing it over and over. He admitted that he'd never change, and I can't live like this, so the best thing is to call it quits before we hate one another.

The problem is.... I'm basically destitute now. My current job doesn't pay ****, we only have one car, and even if I wanted to take it, I couldn't afford the car payment and insurance, and I'm on his health insurance.

Right now, I'm just trying to pack up my stuff while my mom and her husband drive down to pick me up. Then we'll see where to go from there.
#8 Mar 08 2014 at 8:47 AM Rating: Excellent
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So sorry to hear that. I know you've gone through a lot of moving and changes the last couple years to try and make stuff work.
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#9 Mar 08 2014 at 8:50 AM Rating: Excellent
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Sorry to be nosey, but were the two moves (that I recall) part of his agenda? I only ask because. if you were the "good wife" and uprooted life, job, etc, it may afford you some weight in divorce proceeding should it go that way.

Having said that, as a divorced person, I hope that you get what I got, which was a closer friend than I had when I was married. My ex-wife and I are more able to share, care, communicate, and help emotionally now, then we were when we were married, because there is no "checklist" that is in play...we can just love each other without worrying about all the other stuff.

I feel for you, it was a hard two or three years for me, I hope it goes better for you.
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#10 Mar 08 2014 at 8:56 AM Rating: Good
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Professor stupidmonkey wrote:
Sorry to be nosey, but were the two moves (that I recall) part of his agenda? I only ask because. if you were the "good wife" and uprooted life, job, etc, it may afford you some weight in divorce proceeding should it go that way.

Having said that, as a divorced person, I hope that you get what I got, which was a closer friend than I had when I was married. My ex-wife and I are more able to share, care, communicate, and help emotionally now, then we were when we were married, because there is no "checklist" that is in play...we can just love each other without worrying about all the other stuff.

I feel for you, it was a hard two or three years for me, I hope it goes better for you.


I'm not sure what "agenda" you mean, but it was a mutual move. It was for a job for him, though, so yeah, I did "uproot," I suppose. But I don't want "weight" in a divorce. We've already basically talked about everything. The only thing I'm really asking for is some money from his retirement account, because I took $10k out of mine to pay off the credit card debt we had accrued with the moves. He's agreed to that.
#11 Mar 08 2014 at 9:02 AM Rating: Excellent
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Yeah, I just wondered if it was you living his life, maybe agenda was too strong of a word.

sounds like it is fairly amicable, or as much as it can be. I hope that things go smoothly.

This is probably one of those moment where I am supposed to listen and be supportive, rather than try and fix the (perceived) problem. I learned about that during MY divorce Smiley: lol
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#12 Mar 08 2014 at 9:12 AM Rating: Good
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We still love each other. I don't know if that makes it easier or not, honestly....
#13 Mar 08 2014 at 9:32 AM Rating: Decent
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Which state did you end up in?
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#14 Mar 08 2014 at 9:35 AM Rating: Good
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Very sorry to hear this.

And yes, get a lawyer.
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#15 Mar 08 2014 at 9:40 AM Rating: Excellent
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Smiley: frown

So sorry to hear that Belkira. Hang in there, these things can work out better for everyone in the end.

Here's some cheer, limited as it may be. Smiley: flowers
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#16 Mar 08 2014 at 10:09 AM Rating: Good
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Timelordwho wrote:
Samira wrote:
I'm sorry to hear that.

Get a lawyer.
Lawyer up, hit the gym, delete Facebook. Or something.
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#17 Mar 08 2014 at 10:21 AM Rating: Good
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My condolences, especially since you say that neither of you actually want it to end. It is difficult if trust is gone. I suppose since this is a mutual decision that the die has been cast.. Now I don't want to pretend to know your situation, your age, children ect (your title though..heh) but I always try to keep in mind that getting to know someone is an ongoing process and likely will be until death.. It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy but in my view it is rather lame that he is being honest about such things and yet doesn't seem to care enough about your lives together to try to actually do anything about it so perhaps it is for the best for you to not be with someone that is not willing to put in the effort that you deserve as a spouse. I remember reading a letter that J.R.R. Tolkien wrote to his son about "soul mates" saying that the soul mate isn't the person that you think you should be with but rather the person that you ended up marrying. You seem to care about the relationship more than he does if he's the one just saying "yeah, I'm a tool and can't(won't) commit to commitment and won't try to change". If you guys went to counseling then there was clearly a point were you guys tried to make it work.. it's just a shame that even now that this stuff is out in the open that nothing can be done.

Why is it that only after the damage is done that people finally start being honest with one another?

either way; best of luck to you. I'm glad you have family to fall back on.

Edited, Mar 8th 2014 11:22am by Kelvyquayo
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#18 Mar 08 2014 at 10:24 AM Rating: Good
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Smasharoo wrote:
Which state did you end up in?
Florida, unless her mom drives her across a state line.
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#19 Mar 08 2014 at 11:19 AM Rating: Decent
Sorry to hear that. Get a lawyer, if you split on good terms don't ream him to hard.
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#20 Mar 08 2014 at 12:04 PM Rating: Excellent
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Friar Bijou wrote:
Smasharoo wrote:
Which state did you end up in?
Florida, unless her mom drives her across a state line.


I'll be heading back to Tennessee. He will remain in Florida.
#21 Mar 08 2014 at 12:08 PM Rating: Good
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Kelvyquayo wrote:
It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy but in my view it is rather lame that he is being honest about such things and yet doesn't seem to care enough about your lives together to try to actually do anything about it [...]


At the same time, though, if that's who he is, he shouldn't change to accommodate me. I just wish he had been upfront about it instead of spending the last 10 years thinking that we were on the same page.
#22 Mar 08 2014 at 12:37 PM Rating: Excellent
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Quote:
It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy


That's not necessarily a fault. The fault was lack of communication, probably driven by a desire TO keep them together.

Doesn't make the whole situation less shitty, though.
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#23 Mar 08 2014 at 1:07 PM Rating: Decent
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Wait, I thought marriage was supposed to be all about about misery and resentfulness?
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#24 Mar 08 2014 at 3:39 PM Rating: Good
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Timelordwho wrote:
Quote:
It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy


That's not necessarily a fault. The fault was lack of communication, probably driven by a desire TO keep them together.

Doesn't make the whole situation less shitty, though.
What TLW said.


And I just made you guru, gratz.
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#25 Mar 08 2014 at 4:23 PM Rating: Excellent
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I'm sorry you have to go through that. It's unfortunate, but who knows, maybe it will make both of you happier in the long run? being the perpetual bachelor I can't really offer any good advice other than try not to dwell on the negatives while you are working through things. It's going to eat you up inside anyways, but you can make it harder on yourself. There are worse fates than spending 10 years with someone to talk with and share the strugle of you vs. the world with, even if things didn't work out in the end.

Here's hoping for a better future that will make you happier!
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#26 Mar 08 2014 at 4:39 PM Rating: Excellent
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His Excellency Aethien wrote:
Timelordwho wrote:
Quote:
It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy


That's not necessarily a fault. The fault was lack of communication, probably driven by a desire TO keep them together.

Doesn't make the whole situation less shitty, though.
What TLW said.


And I just made you guru, gratz.


I'd like to thank the academy...
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