Dear ElindaFollow

No one thinks you're funny. If you shave your head, I'm getting a pixie cut.

Then I'll surgically implant handles while you're asleep. Don't threatscelate with me, woman!

Ironic, considering they could use those wagons to transport their melons to market.

A wedding is comprised of three distinct periods.

The first period, Prewedding is the time period between the day of engagement and the start of the wedding festivities. It's characterized by mood swings, excessive shopping and weight gain. This is the most difficult time for the new-to-be wife. She feels challenged while also feeling unworthy. She strives for perfection but always finds it just out of reach. Illicit drugs are used with great success - in fact, you might want to experiment with shrooms.

The second stage is dramatically marked by a complete change in personality. When the planning is over and just as the festivities are going to begin the prebride is suddenly racked with indecision. She starts to question her colors, the guest list, the menu, even her choice of husband. This is a short stage, but critical stage. I recommend continuing the regiment of brightly colored pills and funny shaped fungi, but add to it a shot of Bacardi 151. It's critical that she be completely unaware of all that is or isn't happening.

The third stage begins after the wedding festivities actually begin. This stage is marked by a content sloppy drunk drugged women. She no longer cares a lick about the sitting arrangement of even the toilet paper trailing off your shoe. I'd take full advantage of this stage. Get as many blowjobs from her as you can in this short time period, cuz you know what will happend after the wedding is over......

That doesn't make any sense. it's like asking the nation to decide between feeding the children or watching the Ellen show. In other words that two are not mutually exclusive. Pony up mister.

In other wedding news, twenty eight years ago tomorrow I ran off with this poor schmuck and suckered him into marrying me. We eloped. I'd recommend it.

Do you have a tattoo?

Dear Elinda,

I've had an infatuation with a co-worker for about 2 years now. She's quite attractive, young, well-educated, and has a pooper you could bounce a quarter off of. While she's always been polite and friendly to me, I'm not sure she's noticed me as a potential match. In fact, I'm pretty sure she's not sold on it, as I've had frequent meetings with HR for "creating a hostile work environment". I've tried sending love poems via email, sent her funny jokes via IM during the day to cheer her up, and left treats for her at her desk when she's not around.

For the love poems, I've been told that "There once was a girl from Leeland..." is not the appropriate way to begin. I've also been accused that the funny jokes are "sexually explicit in nature and not appropriate for the workplace". And finally, the treats I've left seem not to have gone over well, as apparently flavored condoms and edible underwear are also frowned upon.

So my question to you is this: What's the best way to install a secure webcam in the women's lockeroom?

Take a sick day, buy a king size bed, have it delivered and the old bed taken away, apologize after the fact.

I know some Chinese importers who could solve all of those issues.

Pm me.

Send her pictures of your vajay.