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Dear ElindaFollow

#1 Jan 18 2013 at 8:38 AM Rating: Good
Skelly Poker Since 2008
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16,594 posts
In honor of the passing of Dear Abby, for today only I'll be giving out free relationship advice.

Ask away, it's Friday, I need distractions.

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Alma wrote:
I lost my post
#2 Jan 18 2013 at 9:08 AM Rating: Excellent
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49,733 posts
Dear Elinda, I shot my pretend girlfriend with food stamps.
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#3 Jan 18 2013 at 9:11 AM Rating: Excellent
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lolgaxe wrote:
Dear Elinda, I shot my pretend girlfriend with food stamps after I caught her stealing my recycling. What should I do?

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#4 Jan 18 2013 at 9:22 AM Rating: Good
Skelly Poker Since 2008
*****
16,594 posts
Shaowstrike the Shady wrote:
lolgaxe wrote:
Dear Elinda, I shot my pretend girlfriend with food stamps after I caught her stealing my recycling. What should I do?


Carefully disassemble the body by removing the two screws found behind each ear and prying her open at the buttcrack. Remove the brain and the innards. The brain you can probably re-use in your next girlfriend. Throw the innards in the compost pile and process the rest just like you would any other chunk of meat.

Don't forget to retrieve the food stamps.
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Alma wrote:
I lost my post
#5 Jan 18 2013 at 9:22 AM Rating: Excellent
Gurue
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I bet she lived but had a stroke, right?
#6 Jan 18 2013 at 9:23 AM Rating: Good
Lunatic
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30,084 posts
Dear Elinda,

My wife and I have a new son who is 7 months old and an older girl who is 7 years old. We recently sold a car and are presently down to just a Toyota Carrola for the 4 of us. We don't drive much, but when we do it's frequently long trips through frozen wastelands. Can you recommend a new family vehicle for us? I'm partial to wagons, but my wife prefers SUVs. We'll probably buy a Subaru Outback regardless of your opinion, but you know, we're open to suggestion.

Oh, a few caveats:

We won't buy an American car, we hate America.
My wife won't allow us to buy a Korean car, as she says "they're a cruel race"

____________________________
Disclaimer:

To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a *****. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? ***. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

#7 Jan 18 2013 at 9:32 AM Rating: Excellent
Liberal Conspiracy
*******
TILT
I thought you hippie liberal elites automatically bought Volvos. Or had one assigned to you.
____________________________
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#8 Jan 18 2013 at 9:34 AM Rating: Good
Skelly Poker Since 2008
*****
16,594 posts
Smasharoo wrote:
Dear Elinda,

My wife and I have a new son who is 7 months old and an older girl who is 7 years old. We recently sold a car and are presently down to just a Toyota Carrola for the 4 of us. We don't drive much, but when we do it's frequently long trips through frozen wastelands. Can you recommend a new family vehicle for us? I'm partial to wagons, but my wife prefers SUVs. We'll probably buy a Subaru Outback regardless of your opinion, but you know, we're open to suggestion.

Oh, a few caveats:

We won't buy an American car, we hate America.
My wife won't allow us to buy a Korean car, as she says "they're a cruel race"



What with road rage, frost heaves and careless mooses, I'd avoid the roadways altogether.

With just a couple strategically placed landing pads transport by cannon is quite economical.
____________________________
Alma wrote:
I lost my post
#9 Jan 18 2013 at 9:41 AM Rating: Good
Skelly Poker Since 2008
*****
16,594 posts
Jophiel wrote:
I thought you hippie liberal elites automatically bought Volvos. Or had one assigned to you.

I know, image shattering isn't it.

Korean's are nice people. I've heard lots of good things about the Kia Sorento.
____________________________
Alma wrote:
I lost my post
#10 Jan 18 2013 at 9:46 AM Rating: Excellent
Meat Popsicle
*****
13,369 posts
Dear Elinda,

This guy I've been having some good-natured fun with over the internet just found out I'm not really the girl he apparently fell in madly love with. I'm stuck back-peddling a little now. Do you have any advice? Or maybe a good alibi?

Jophiel wrote:
I thought you hippie liberal elites automatically bought Volvos. Or had one assigned to you.


Isn't it a Prius these days? Smiley: confused

I can't keep up with trends.
____________________________
That monster in the mirror, he just might be you. -Grover
#11 Jan 18 2013 at 9:49 AM Rating: Excellent
Liberal Conspiracy
*******
TILT
Prius is for the elite-wannabes. The real elites with cash don't waste their time on the toy cars until you reach super-elite status: they'll get Teslas.
____________________________
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#12 Jan 18 2013 at 9:51 AM Rating: Good
Skelly Poker Since 2008
*****
16,594 posts
someproteinguy wrote:
Dear Elinda,

This guy I've been having some good-natured fun with over the internet just found out I'm not really the girl he apparently fell in madly love with. I'm stuck back-peddling a little now. Do you have any advice? Or maybe a good alibi?
Anything short of a ***-change operation and you're just fooling yourself.

Be brave young she-man.

____________________________
Alma wrote:
I lost my post
#13 Jan 18 2013 at 9:55 AM Rating: Decent
Lunatic
******
30,084 posts
I thought you hippie liberal elites automatically bought Volvos. Or had one assigned to you.

This, in fact, used to be true, but you were given a choice between the Volvo or the Saab. Then a few things happened. GM bought Saab and destroyed the brand, and Volvo did produce placement in Twilight and inexplicably stopped making Wagons.

So now it's the choice of an Outback, a TSX Wagon, or various douchebag SUVs. The 5 series wagon used to be acceptable, but now it reeks too much of conspicuous consumption. The Jetta TDI wagon is sometimes thought acceptable, but it's really too small for us.
____________________________
Disclaimer:

To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a *****. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? ***. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

#14 Jan 18 2013 at 10:05 AM Rating: Excellent
Needs More Smut
******
21,262 posts
Dear Elinda,

My husband is a bed hog. He ends up in the middle, with most of the blankets, and I usually wake up shoved to one side about to fall off. He blames the cat, who does have a tendency to settle around his knees, taking up a third of the bed by himself.

How can I convince him we need to upgrade to a king size bed?
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Thayos wrote:
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#15 Jan 18 2013 at 10:05 AM Rating: Excellent
Meat Popsicle
*****
13,369 posts
Elinda wrote:
someproteinguy wrote:
Dear Elinda,

This guy I've been having some good-natured fun with over the internet just found out I'm not really the girl he apparently fell in madly love with. I'm stuck back-peddling a little now. Do you have any advice? Or maybe a good alibi?
Anything short of a ***-change operation and you're just fooling yourself.

Be brave young she-man.



Follow up question then: can I borrow 5 bucks?
____________________________
That monster in the mirror, he just might be you. -Grover
#16 Jan 18 2013 at 10:09 AM Rating: Good
Skelly Poker Since 2008
*****
16,594 posts
Smasharoo wrote:
I thought you hippie liberal elites automatically bought Volvos. Or had one assigned to you.

This, in fact, used to be true, but you were given a choice between the Volvo or the Saab. Then a few things happened. GM bought Saab and destroyed the brand, and Volvo did produce placement in Twilight and inexplicably stopped making Wagons.

So now it's the choice of an Outback, a TSX Wagon, or various douchebag SUVs. The 5 series wagon used to be acceptable, but now it reeks too much of conspicuous consumption. The Jetta TDI wagon is sometimes thought acceptable, but it's really too small for us.

If you go with the TSX wagon, get it in black. You can pretend to be secret service (or maybe you don't have to pretend).
____________________________
Alma wrote:
I lost my post
#17 Jan 18 2013 at 10:10 AM Rating: Good
Skelly Poker Since 2008
*****
16,594 posts
catwho wrote:
Dear Elinda,

My husband is a bed hog. He ends up in the middle, with most of the blankets, and I usually wake up shoved to one side about to fall off. He blames the cat, who does have a tendency to settle around his knees, taking up a third of the bed by himself.

How can I convince him we need to upgrade to a king size bed?

Crown him.
____________________________
Alma wrote:
I lost my post
#18 Jan 18 2013 at 10:10 AM Rating: Good
Skelly Poker Since 2008
*****
16,594 posts
someproteinguy wrote:
Elinda wrote:
someproteinguy wrote:
Dear Elinda,

This guy I've been having some good-natured fun with over the internet just found out I'm not really the girl he apparently fell in madly love with. I'm stuck back-peddling a little now. Do you have any advice? Or maybe a good alibi?
Anything short of a ***-change operation and you're just fooling yourself.

Be brave young she-man.



Follow up question then: can I borrow 5 bucks?
Obamacare is all you need to find true happiness.
____________________________
Alma wrote:
I lost my post
#19 Jan 18 2013 at 10:18 AM Rating: Decent
Lunatic
******
30,084 posts
If you go with the TSX wagon, get it in black

We've actually considered that very car. It's overpriced in the US, though. If we lived in Europe, we'd likely own an Accord wagon.
____________________________
Disclaimer:

To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a *****. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? ***. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

#20 Jan 18 2013 at 10:30 AM Rating: Excellent
Scholar
**
642 posts
Dear Elinda,

Recently I became engaged and we're now planning the wedding (hopefully for June). My usually drama-free fiancé — who has said in the past she didn't fantasize about a huge wedding and a perfect day — is now determined to have the "perfect" wedding. My questions are two-fold: what is it about weddings that make even usually sane women completely insane? Why does my argument that we should try to be more frugal on the wedding but go to a memorable location on the honeymoon fall on deaf ears?

Smash, just get the Subaru. Best AWD of any of them, reliable, and they've fixed the inexplicable wheel vibration that plagued the 2011's.
____________________________
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machin ery of night.
#21 Jan 18 2013 at 10:32 AM Rating: Excellent
Liberal Conspiracy
*******
TILT
Elinda wrote:
If you go with the TSX wagon, get it in black. You can pretend to be secret service (or maybe you don't have to pretend).

Better yet, buy a hearse. Plenty of storage room in the back.
____________________________
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#22 Jan 18 2013 at 10:39 AM Rating: Excellent
Nexa
*****
12,062 posts
Dear Elinda,

Now that my husband stays at home all day long with an infant, he refuses to get a hair cut and looks more like a mushroom every day. How can I explain to him gently that regardless of his disdain for the smelliness and "product content" of hair salons, I don't feel like cutting his hair and also have never been attracted to a member of the Beetles?

Thank you,

Nexa
____________________________
“It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But a half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
#23 Jan 18 2013 at 10:42 AM Rating: Excellent
Nexa
*****
12,062 posts
Grady wrote:
Dear Elinda,

Recently I became engaged and we're now planning the wedding (hopefully for June). My usually drama-free fiancé — who has said in the past she didn't fantasize about a huge wedding and a perfect day — is now determined to have the "perfect" wedding. My questions are two-fold: what is it about weddings that make even usually sane women completely insane? Why does my argument that we should try to be more frugal on the wedding but go to a memorable location on the honeymoon fall on deaf ears?


Congratulations duck; good to hear you're doing well Smiley: smile

Nexa
____________________________
“It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But a half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
#24 Jan 18 2013 at 10:46 AM Rating: Good
******
27,272 posts
Smasharoo wrote:
I thought you hippie liberal elites automatically bought Volvos. Or had one assigned to you.

This, in fact, used to be true, but you were given a choice between the Volvo or the Saab. Then a few things happened. GM bought Saab and destroyed the brand, and Volvo did produce placement in Twilight and inexplicably stopped making Wagons.

So now it's the choice of an Outback, a TSX Wagon, or various douchebag SUVs. The 5 series wagon used to be acceptable, but now it reeks too much of conspicuous consumption. The Jetta TDI wagon is sometimes thought acceptable, but it's really too small for us.
You could always go with one of those XC models Volvo makes.
____________________________
Theophany wrote:
YOU'RE AN ELITIST @#%^ AETHIEN, NO WONDER YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS AND PEOPLE HATE YOU.
someproteinguy wrote:
Aethien you take more terrible pictures than a Japanese tourist.
Astarin wrote:
One day, Maz, you'll learn not to click on anything Aeth links.
#25 Jan 18 2013 at 10:50 AM Rating: Good
Lunatic
******
30,084 posts
Dear Elinda,

My wife wants me to get a hair cut. Chicks dig the "basic training" look, don't they?
____________________________
Disclaimer:

To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a *****. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? ***. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

#26 Jan 18 2013 at 10:51 AM Rating: Excellent
Nexa
*****
12,062 posts
Smasharoo wrote:
Dear Elinda,

My wife wants me to get a hair cut. Chicks dig the "basic training" look, don't they?


No one thinks you're funny. If you shave your head, I'm getting a pixie cut.

Nexa
____________________________
“It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But a half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
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