Poly familiesFollow

Yes they will and yes they do. Not because it's taboo, they don't know any better, but they do know and they do care.



It's not a factor at all. It's not even necessarily a problem. The child would grow up in an atmosphere where multiple concurrent serious partners are the norm and then have to live in a world where they are not. A big part of why monogamous people don't cheat on their spouses is that they feel that forming romantic attachments with multiple people is a betrayal, a child growing up in a poly amorous family may not have that inclination. It wouldn't feel wrong to them, which could be a problem if/when they are in monogamous relationships later in life.



I don't completely dissagree here but monkey see, monkey do. Children imitate parental figures, it's how they learn and more importantly how their personality is developed (which is pretty much set in stone by age 5).

People tend to gravitate towards lifestyles that they are familiar with. Behavior is learned, predisposition is not. A straight person is not going to become gay because they were raised by gay parents, they have to be pre-disposed. A child with poly amorous parents is much more likely to choose that lifestyle over a monogamous one vs a child who grew up in a more traditional atmosphere, that's behavior. (edited for clarity)

I don't have any moral qualms with poly-amorous relationships, I've had them, it's just not commonly accepted and therefore could cause social difficulties for a child raised in that type of environment.

If a single mother has a new man sleeping over every week her kids learn that this is acceptable behavior. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you believe it's acceptable behavior, you just have to be conscious that you are teaching your children that it's ok as well and that will help shape their future choices.



Edited, Jan 20th 2012 2:54pm by Yodabunny

I can't even begin to think of the legal quicksand that would occur in the divorce of a poly family.

But like Joph and others said, for raising a child, the boundaries and structure have to be clear. It's already hard enough to raise a kid with just one other parent, I know I don't have it in me to want to try to raise a poly household.

Being poly has little to nothing to do with cheating though, cheating implies that it's without consent of and without telling your SO (or significant others). Of course, there's probably a lot less cheating going on in a poly relationship because there's no need to hide it when you want to have sex or a relationship with someone else.

Thanks for the feedback guys. I'll be honest, I hadn't thought of problems that could stem from parents needing to be a united front when it comes to discipline. That is definitely something that would have to be discussed before any kids came into the picture.

As far as what the kids would call each parent, I'm honestly not too worried about that. Kids come up with nicknames to differentiate between grandparents all the time. Or at least I did. My dad's parents I called Grandma and Grandpa, and my mom's parents I called Monies and Popu. I've also thought of having the biological parents called Mom and Dad, and then the other adults in the house Aunt/Uncle so and so. That'd probably help alleviate issues at school with teachers and classmates too. It might not be common for a kid to live with their parents and "aunt and uncle" but I doubt it would raise too many eyebrows. And considering that I want to be a high school English teacher, keeping the poly stuff on the down low is going to be imperative anyways, depending on where we live.

As far as the whole "monkey see monkey do" thing goes, I think there's probably a good chance that a kid might be more likely to grow up and have poly relationships but I doubt it's a guarantee.

One of my friends grew up in a sort of poly household. Her parents are hippies (the yuppy variety, so she says) and they had various aunts and uncles come over from time to time. Her godmother was also a large presence in her life, and was who she would go to to vent about things. She didn't even really recognize that her parents were poly until a few years ago when she learned about poly. She is in a poly relationship now, but she's been in monogamous ones in the past and was about equally happy with either. She feels that she benefited from it, as she's more open minded than she might have been otherwise.

It's really not something that comes up until you've got a one year old wailing at the top of their lungs, with one parent trying to negotiate a peaceful resolution to the situation and I'm the other partner suggesting we the couple cave in and just do as the terrorist demands.

Now imagine it with multiple people.

And yes, it really is like a hostile negotiation.

I should clarify, it depends on the actual sleeping arrangements. I was referring to just the sex, but yeah if a kid goes looking for mom and finds her not in her bedroom, but dad and "Aunt Judy" are, that would get distressing.





I disagree. Just because couples around someone aren't threatened by open relationships, doesn't necessarily mean the kid in question would feel the same. I think you overestimate how much the environment can affect that level of belief, because so much emotion, and even self-worth is involved.



Yeah, imitation is one aspect of how kids learn. But we're talking about behavior that they won't get around to till they are adults, the imitation part of their learning has been done and over with by then. I will agree that it's certainly more likely that someone raised in that environment would be more open to doing the same, but it doesn't mean they will. I'd almost argue that they might even be more inclined to avoid it, particularly if there were relationship issues that they witnessed. But again, pure hypotheticals on my part.



I've known some kids relatively recently, who while they did not grow up in a poly household, but they did grow up witnessing a lot of unfaithful behavior. Both parents regularly took other lovers, and while they bickered about it, it was almost expected by both parties that it would happen. Two of the kids are legal adults now, both in monogomous relationships and are adamant that they will stay that way. The third is still in high school, and it remains to be seen what she will do. Yeah, it's not necessarily the same thing, but I'd argue it's similar enough to consider.

Which is essentially what I was getting at. It's just kind of a shame.

I think you're underestimating environmental effects. Self worth and your emotional reactions are almost entirely based on your moral beliefs. If you grow up with the understanding that 5 people all treating each other as romantic partners is normal/ok then doing the same when you are older will have no effect on your sense of self worth, at all. As adults it's difficult for us to wrap our head around this because our basic belief systems are already in place, they're pretty much fixed by the time we hit kindergarten. Everything after that point is effectively bolted onto one of the blocks we formed in our minds in the early years.



Agreed, could go both ways, but that's still an effect.



There's a very key difference here. In this situation there is very obvious and open betrayal with negative consequences (hurt feelings, fighting etc). In a poly-amorous relationship there is no betrayal, it is all consensual so there is no obvious negative consequence in the child's eyes.

Provided you know who the Father is, raising a kid with a Mom, Dad, "Uncle", & or "Aunt" would solve the questions issue.

I don't see anything wrong with this, but for the sake of your potential child, you'll need to be discreet about it until they're old enough to understand.

I'm not sure how accurate that is. If our beliefs and morals are bolted into place by the time we're five, why do people's beliefs, morals and values fluctuate over time?

Granted I'm just going off of my personal experience here, but I certainly didn't grow up in a poly household. I didn't even know that people did this sort of thing until about 4 years ago. I was brought up to believe that you only had sex with people you love, you got married before you had kids, gays were bad, blah blah blah. I went off to college for a year, and started developing my own ideas. Quit school temporarily, had a bunch of different life experiences that caused my views and opinions to fluctuate some more.

When I was 16, I was a naive girl who was still a virgin (not that there's anything wrong with that), didn't drink, didn't do drugs, considered herself to be Christian, and had a primarily conservative POV because that was how I was raised. 12 years later, I am polyamorous, kinky, extremely liberal by American standards, and Wiccan. I don't drink all that much, and I don't smoke pot often, but it has happened. I'd say that's pretty much doing a 180 on the way I was raised. I really don't think I did it out of rebelliousness either. If I had, it wouldn't have lasted this long.

Belkira, it certainly wasn't my intention to denigrate monogamous people. If you felt that way, I apologize. I don't know if humans are wired one way or the other. I think it's probably an individual thing. I know people who are strictly monogamous, people who are strictly poly, and then folks like me who could go either way. I'm certainly happier in a poly relationship, but the monogamous relationships I was in before weren't miserable because I couldn't sleep or develop relationships with other people. They were miserable because that person wasn't a good match for me.

I have an acquaintance who found out as an adult that his parents were poly. They didn't live with their lovers, though.

It was just funny to me that he had no clue that his parents' good friends that they always hung out with were their lovers.


Edit: markup trauma

Edited, Jan 20th 2012 5:43pm by Samira

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