Geez, 8 of these counting this year already???:
2012 will be known as the year of the Weasel plague after a secret soviet era weasel satellite falls and breaks up over north America, releasing millions of generically modified weasels. Turns out weasels actually taste pretty horrible.
Having successfully eradicated forum=82, the Asylumites will turn their sights once again on assimilating the WoW forums by force. These plans will largely hinge on the availability of inexpensive alcohol…
The world will recover from the mega recession of doom finally after oil is discovered under the moon. This inadvertently also revitalizes our space program.
DSD, flush with cash from her recent complete takeover of the nosehair trimmer industry, decides to enter the private spacecraft industry with the worlds first yak powered spacecraft. It turns out Yaks are actually capable of exceeding light speed in short bursts. Who knew?
Not content with merely rearranging nearby astronomical features, Technogeek will turn his now legendary apple pie cannon to the task of carving Pluto into the shape of a cartoon dog. No, not that one. Not that one either. Yeah, the other one with the thingy…
|Win a national award for flatulence :||8 (25.0%)|
|Discover the long lost city of Detroit :||5 (15.6%)|
|Perfect the magic squeegee dance of the Appalachian mung bean people. :||10 (31.2%)|
|Cause time itself to reverse while attempting to set a clock:||9 (28.1%)|
Attempting to blend in with his surroundings while studying pogo sticks, Aethien encounters a highly irate badger and is never seen again for 3 whole weeks.
Demea will release a semi successful line of walking, talking animated toasters. While a relatively high failure rate makes them unpopular with consumers, their tendency to violently explode and radioactive miniature power plant make them very popular amongst certain military circles. Also, the British really like their toast apparently.
Having successfully determined that juggling chainsaws is a very bad idea, AshOnMyTomatoes goes on to launch a successful robot arm prosthetics and floor repair business. He also discovers a new species of slime mold inadvertently after leaving a watermelon slice out in the sun a little bit too long…
Bijou, now knowing the secret message hidden in the forum predictions all these years, upon reading this latest yearly post immediately buys a ticket on the first aircraft headed to Patagonia and builds a small bunker at the provided coordinates. Also he buys 4,000 pairs of socks.
In a bid to thwart the impending nanognome invasion, Nadenu begins constructing a secret army of even smaller nano-nanognomes. One of them turns out to be a Higgs Boson, and causes a minor portion of the eastern seaboard to suddenly become neutronium for a few minutes. Residents are just crushed about this turn of events, but they get over it.
Jophiel, having apparently sent Atomicflea off on some sort of year long secret mission, will publish his posts in their entirety, including the UBB forum ones in a series of leather-bound tomes under the title “Encyclopedia Jophielica” The 8,000 volume set will cost roughly $4,000 just to ship, and will be used by many as building material, having a sufficiently high insulation value suitable for wall construction.
Uglysasquatch, having destroyed 4 major municipal sewer districts, 2 power plants and at least one Mexican restaurant from the events of last year, decides to leave the country to discover the hideous-looking ness monster. It apparently lives in Paraguay.
After the OTTPI goes bust over a photoshopped image scandal (it was a coupon for $9,000 off cheesburgers) Omegavegeta decides to write his memoirs. The book “How I figured out how to reuse turkey timers” later goes on to be a best seller in the small appliance repair manual category.
Kastigir and Katastrofa challenge each other to a high altitude fighter plane duel. Kastigir, flying a Russian Sukhoi PAK FA is able to use the superior climb rate and maneuverability to pull a sweat reverse immleman over Katastrofa’s Chinese made Chengdu J-20. Outmatched, Katastrofa concedes defeat and agrees to cook waffles for Kastigir on August 21st at exactly 3:42 PM.
Pizza Tycoon Wint will formally declare neutrality towards Belarus after an incident involving a walrus.
Empress Samira I of countries that begin with odd numbered consonants, etc. decides to learn how to juggle. She later headlines a very successful traveling juggling / country invasion and bake sale show.
After a horrific accident involving a radioactive housecat, Davejohnsan becomes “THE CAT YODALER!” By day, mild mannered veterinary supplies salesmen, but by night, daemon feline scourge of the swiss alps! Swiss cheese production falls sharply in the first quarter as lack of sleep slowly drives everyone in Switzerland insane
Aadyn Litefoot will discover a new method for creating a stealth rutabaga. So stealthy, and so effective, the rutabaga is not seen for another 300 years, when someone finally trips over it.
BrownDuck, having successfully convinced prosecutors that LTgoose’s present missing status had nothing to do with him at all, promptly begins selling a profitable line of goosedown pillows. The feathers all have an odd pink tinge to them.
Darqflame invent a new kind of keyboard that uses jello instead of keys. The squishboard will become an immediate hit with people that dislike clicking.
As part of phase III of their secret plot to take over el Salvador, Jonwin and ElneClare decide to host a month-long talent show dedicated to finding the best grilled cheese sandwich maker in the country!
Rdmcandie and ShadorVIII decide to open up a 32 pixel icon store in downtown Manhattan. “Any icon, any design, in 32 pixels or less, or it’s free” is their motto. Shortly after opening, they are lost at sea for several months due to an ill timed conversation with a beluga whale.
Horrified by her experience in the alternate dimension, Belkira sets out to create a new economic standard of exchange based off thin slices of cheese. While wildly successful in certain third world countries, the tendency for the money to melt when exposed to moderate temperatures kind of dooms the whole attempt.
While walking home from the local necromancy supply store on the first Wednesday of August, Nilatai will trip over a small rock and skin his knee. The rock will roll down a slight hill, blocking a drain, which proceeds to flood, floating a piece of wood down the street and causing a truck carrying 14,000 gallons of highly flammable tofu extract to veer off the road and into the middle of a construction site, where a crane hoisting a 3000 pound girder is then struck, topples, knocks over a building, which knocks over 3 others, thankfully all unoccupied, domino style until the furthest one over falls, dams a nearby river, floods the entire city, and eventually results in the popular tourist attraction “Venice II”. Ta Da!
After the events of last year, TirithRR decides there is no possible way to top that, and decides to read the newspaper instead. For the entire year.
Having emerged victorious from his epic staring contest of doom due to a controversial and well-timed projectile sneeze, Spoonless elects to tour the sunny wastelands of Siberia for 8 months while his blink reflex grows back. Also, there is a lemur.
Defying the odds, Jinte will manage to collect the only known collection of plaid colored even numbered limb starfish on the planet. Oddly enough, though the collection contains an even number of even numbered starfish, it is only displayed on odd numbered days. I don’t get it either…
Catwho decides to take the name a little too literally and puts together a Pete Townshend tribute band composed entirely of cats.
While traveling on the freeway, lolgaxe finds an unexpected penny in his glove box. Yay!
Railus will launch a glorious coup and try to take the FFXI forums as his own personal domain. He later gives it back and runs away screaming!
This year, Eske decides to mail himself to London!
Timelordwho decides to get rid of that annoying Rory twit.
Becauses of his suspiciously similar name, Raolan will likely be shadowed by wombat secret agents unbeknownst to him, unless of course he reads this prediction… well ****, that didn’t work did it?
Kavekk will quit his job as a duck impersonator to run away and join the circus!
Gbaji and Kelvyquayo shall team up to write the Ultimate Troll Post of Doom (or UTPoD for short) Details are sketchy, however it will probably involve a mongoose at some point.
Allegory will continue to be stalked by an unseen beagle for reasons known only to him.
Allakhazam will start a new site about the upcoming trend in sports MMO’s that haven’t been invented yet.
Poldaran’s evil dancing robot army will emerge from the shadows to take over a small television station. They later win 3rd place on “the x factor”
Giddy from the success of the creation of the Thingy from last year, Nizdaar decides to do a backflip all around the circumference of the
planet. For no apparent reason.
Lubriderm will eat an omelet with ham, cheese and olives, with a side of hash browns and orange juice at exactly 7:42 am on Wednesday, November 7th. It is inevitable. It is your Destiny!
Turin discovers a long lost ancient manuscript hidden in the attic of a new England house. The manuscript turns out to be the explanation for what the Voynich manuscript actually is. Turns out, it was originally written by [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE SUURGEON GENERAL] and after you know that part and the little trick about the inverted double words, it’s actually pretty easy to read.
Tailmon will discover a method for controlling small armies of mice, and will proceed to invade southern equador.
Klausneck discovers emperor Hadrian’s long lost stash of hidden gold covered chocolate coins. Turns out they were behind that wall thing.
In a particularly introspective moment in early June, Kirby will determine that money truly cannot buy happiness, but money can buy frozen peas, and frozen peas can buy happiness!
Fleven will clone a stegosaurus!
Despite laws of physics to the contrary, Aripyanfar discovers a new and interesting way to open cans of tuna involving a lightsaber!
Dozer, Peimei, Thalthas and Criminy are all unfortunately eaten by tree sloths.
Deep in the heart of darkest peru, Someproteinguy will have a final, fateful encounter with his lifelong arch nemesis, Somecarbohydratechick. The resulting 3 day pitched battle will eventually go down in history as the largest expenditure of man portable rocket launchers in human history. They eventually call it a tie, and solve the whole thing over a game of rock paper scissors instead. Paddington Bear is not amused.
Thumbelyna and PigtailsOfDoom decide to start their own chicken powered aircraft company. The near legendary tethered chicken flying boat quickly becomes the preferred method of travel for the rich and famous once the small matter of an opaque, egg proof canopy is solved…
Idiggory will try out a new cookie recipe. It will be delicious!
After encountering a particularly good piece of cake at a local diner, ArexLovesPie will change his name to ArexLovesPieAndCakeAndCookiesAndoccasionallyOtherThingsThatWouldBeFarTooLongToPutInANameBecauseItWouldGetHardToSpell.
Siesen, while waiting for the 7:03 express bus #23 to downtown, will ________ when he ____________ that a___________ is waiting for him on the other side of the ___________. In a blind __________, he decides to _______________, thus dooming all mankind to an eternity of _______________.
Rhodekylle, armed with a metal detector and a really big rake, will discover the worlds largest tin nugget!
Fresh from inadvertently destroying Tokyo, Xsarus decides to become a professional parking meter attendant impersonator. The critics are amazed, and unanimously declare that he gets to write his own ticket in Hollywood.
Pikko will surprise the world when she announces that Wednesdays are now subject to a 3% tax worldwide based on an obscure provision of the Geneva convention.
Draknorr will take up competitive off road unicycle racing.
In accordance with the will of the secundus prophecy, Schitchy will purchase a Doom Bagel.
In an unexpected move, LockeColeMA will announce his candadicy for city parks and recreation director of Sheboigan. After his chief opponent is rocked by a lemur scandal, LockerColeMA wins in a landslide, and immidiatly converts all parks to legolands!
Shaowstrike ecides to set out on a voyage of escovery to fin out what happene to his missing letter . espite harship, trails an tribulations, he eventually locates the offening letter in a iscare pile of ell computers!
Kachi buys a hibachi and cooks us all a delicious Mongolian style barbeque!
Calthine: one word “Mooseapult!”
Deadgye finds $3.47 in loose change in the sofa of a neighbor during a particularly uneventful party. He later buys half a sandwich with the unexpected bounty. It will be delicious!
LeWoVoc decides to become a pirate-pirate, and starts capturing Somalian pirates and holding them for ransom on the theory that they have enough money now to be lucrative targets!
PunkFloyd is bitten by a by a snail one full moon and becomes the dreaded Weresnail! The snail is later charged with a salt.
While out for a stroll in the south American jungle one fine august morning, Jimpadan comes across the mostly intact wreckage of an ancient alien spacecraft. He eventually uses his discovery to build a really neat flying car.
Danalog and Peepmouse will discover a wishing well that grants infinite mediocre wishes. 4,000 hours of wishes for finding $10 bills later, they decide to buy Norway. It’s not like the Norwegians were using it anyways! Besides, after all that money the Norwegians all move to the Caribbean anyways. The sight of waterskiing caribou soon becomes a local tourist staple.
Having learned the whereabouts of the Uzbekistanian judge from the waffle contest, Ikkian uses a $0.62 cent stamp to mail him a live goldfish. It arrives, 3 weeks later… Also, in unrelated events, Ikkian is briefly sat on by a bird on February 21st, at 1:56 pm. It later tries to eat his hat.
Majivo will perfect the perfect spoon movement for eating soup, and then patent it. He’ll then make a lucrative living teaching others the perfect spoon soup eating method on the lecture circuit, eventually earning him the undying wrath of Sara Palin, who’s lectures he soon eclipses in popularity.
Angstycoder will code an internet reset button. One push, and we’re all back using Lynx!
Bardalicious will begin spontaneously hovering on December 1st for no apparent reason. He quickly uses his newfound abilities to convince dozens of the worlds particularly annoying teens that hover boards are real, leading to a string of truly hilarious YouTube videos.
Debalic will buy an orange and black housecat, and name it “fluffy the doominator!”
Xantav, having tired of making pharmaceutical commercials, decides to embark on a career as a stunt driver. He eventually becomes the first person ever to do a 360 barrel roll in a dodge neon!
BonYogi, having covered himself in chocolate sometime in October in an attempt at an epic Han Solo in carbonite costume discovers that he has gained superpowers, and becomes the dread supervillian BonBonYogi! Picnic basket stealing chocolate bear extraordinaire! He’s later elected prime minister of Bolivia on a technicality.
Almalieque and ThiefX will fall madly in love and get married. Then they explode. No one cares.
RavennofTitan will buy us all radio controlled helicopters after she wins the Nigerian lottery for 32 billion dollars again!
Elinda, secretly one in a series of alphabet prefixed clones, will disappear for a while and reappear as Flinda after a bet goes horribly awry.
Exodus will discover a time machine! A time machine with revolving doors…
Yodabunny will perfect her Intercontinental Ballistic Carrot technology, and will hold several countries hostage until people remember that you need a nuke to make an ICBCM an effective means of blackmail.
Tare, having completed her orbital Ion cannon and received a large ransom check from countries with meltable objects decides to hold her own reality TV show. Due to future temporal copyright violation clauses in our contract, we cannot reveal the exact nature of the show, but it involves spatulas, flour, baking soda, and assault rifles.
Smasharoo and Nexa will open a school for interpretative polka dance and mime photography on Tuesdays!
varusword75 also explodes. No one cares about that one either.
Tarub spelled backwards is Burat! A fact well known indeed to the new leader of North Korea…
Kakar will … wait, really? Huh. Ouch. The whole thing? How many city blocks??? Yikes. Oh man, you don’t want to hear this one. Trust me on this. Avoid North Dakota though for a while too...
Driftwood finds a 40 year old Twinkie. He decides to eat it, and spends the next 4 months running around screaming detailed plans for not yet invented plasma rifles.
Kuwoobie will somehow manage to patent copper.
SillyXSara will be distraught and disappointed when they realize that this prediction doesn’t actually appear in this years prediction thread due to a time distortion causality event caused by the ghost of Clstr7
Anyone I missed will win 3 million dollars in the lottery and have their ankles gnawed off by fruit bats!
As for me? Having finally trained the wombat hoards in the fine art of combat flight operations, I’ll finally unleash my bid for complete and utter world dominion depending on who wins the election this year!