As per tradition, Past years for your amusement:
2005
2006
2007
2008
2009
2010 - edit: fixed
2011 will be many things, but first and foremost it will be known as the year of repeat weather, as every single day of the year with the exception of May 18th will exactly match the weather recorded in 1934, which will end up really annoying the pacific northwest. An extinct Canadian mongoose will later be blamed for this heinous turn of events.
The economy will experience a sharp increase when Washington remembers the phrase “debt is an asset†and sells the entire national deficit, plus another negative 50 trillion dollars to a Mr. Jebadaih Polkum III, of Saskawitche Arkansas for the nominal sum of 2 million dollars and title to the state whiskey distilleries, which are promptly repossessed. The resulting economic bonanza results in the finest marble and platinum paved highway system in the world, and most of the rest of the world scratching their collective heads and going, what the hell just happened here?
Having been thwarted in their attempt at conquering the wow forums due to sheer distance from OOT and Asylum and ever increasing supply lines, the dread AsylumOOtia hoarde seeks new targets closer to home, and begin a long term siege of forum=82 over a diplomatic slight involving a poorly placed fruitcake and a vat of battery acid.
The evil Clstr7, having amassed a secret army of its former, now discarded compatriots in a secret location somewhere in the frozen northern wasteland (technically being used as coffee tables in Nizdaar’s house) will unleash the firepower of their Armed and Fully Operational Battlestation. Unfortunately for them, a poorly timed DDOS attack launched by an anonymous army of fur covered marsupials will disrupt the firing sequence for at least another year.
The follow thread button will be arrested for stalking the report post button. The resulting lawsuit will eventually result in a complete redesign of the forums so they are shinier.
The word “Biggleskookums†becomes the new GFY in the forums this year… Yeah. I don’t get it either.
Danalog and Peepmouse, having succeeded in their efforts to create a future minion progeny, will give birth to a happy and healthy baby.
After a disastrous miscommunication with the building cleaning staff forces the closure of the Coffee Stain Museum, DSD will turn her attention to the fine art of mind control puppetry. Not to be confused with regular puppetry in any way shape or form. Or forum for that matter. This results in an immediate upturn in the sales of nose hair trimmers countrywide. No one is really sure why.
Nadenu, having tired of clone minions, decodes to set out to find what really happened to that striped sock the dryer supposedly ate several years back. The resulting government cover-up expose will shock, amaze and haunt the people of the world for years to come, as they all ponder the implications of nanognome infestation.
Iamadam is going to party like its 199999999
While practicing radical turns in her hovercraft, Belkira is catapulted to an alternate dimension where they never invented cheese for a whole 38 minutes.
KingJohn and KingWinterclaw will arm wrestle to decide who gets to add High King to their name. The loser has to declare war on 16th century France.
Elinda, after a strange industrial accident involving a generator and a ceramic leprechaun, will develop superpowers. The new superhero E-linda will have the ability to zip through the electrical system, fry rogue copy machines with a single glance, and the ability to recall e-mails sent in a drunken stupor before they reach their intended targets! Her Arch Nemesis, Ground Wire Dude is fairly ineffective, since hes always being grounded by his parents…
Giddy with excitement, Paskil signs an endangered Appalachian musk rat to a 4 year variety song and dance mime reality show. In accordance with the prophecy.
SuperAtheist will discover the existence of a secret ancient Sumerian religion that definitively proves the existence of pork chops.
Once upon a time, Aethien will be abducted by gnomes. The End!
By order of the shadowy remnants of the Knights Templar, Poldaran will be forced to train an army of evil robots to dance to the tune of “oh susannaâ€
Samira, having tired of curing the bovine hordes, decides to hold a really big barbeque to kick off her “lets invade countries that start with odd numbered consonants and or have really annoying slogans†tour of doom! That’s right Chile and Cuba, beware!!!
To drown out the sounds of the next door neighbor, Kachi will cause the polar ice caps to melt. But only for a little while.
Sweetums and idiggory end up involved in a freak forum post teleporter accident, causing all their content to be merged, forming the semi legendary poster Sweeiditumsgory, who will someday exceed the postcount of Jophiel himself. Though not for 13 trillion years. Yeah, that’s right. Have the biggest post count in human history and you get two mentions in the thread.
While hiking in sunny Burbank, klausneck discovers the final resting place of Jimmy Hoffa. Turns out he really, really liked his new mattress and just overslept.
After randomly deciding to take a left turn instead of a right at 2:17pm on Friday August 12, 2011, Sandinmygum will cause a major panic and a national news headline when he drives through the middle of a glue factory at 46.3 mph. This incident eventually leads to a new US constitutional amendment barring the use of the phrase “sticky situation†in any form of print media.
Turin will find the following numbers on the back of a fortune cookie he eats at a local Chinese restaurant sometime in September: 14 32 06 55 12 93 07.
Uglysasquatch. Two words: Epic Poo.
In a desperate last ditch bid for freedom after having been wrongfully accused of jaywalking, LockeColeMA will circulate a cleverly worded petition that calls for the outlawing of butter. 48 days into his campaign, a pigeon will randomly explode for no apparent reason just outside the courtroom. Taking this as a sign, the judge orders an immediate musical number, and then frees the defendant on grounds of off tune singing.
Shaowstrike ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddDD DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD DDDD [lg]D[/d]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Oh, and also you get turned into a newt. Sorry.)
Despite decades of physical evidence to the contrary, and near insurmountable theoretical impracticalities, Technogeek will discover a method by which apple pies can be shot out of a cannon at near relativistic speeds. The constellation Pieces never even knows what hit it.
After a particularly memorable evening, and amnesiac copy of the Demea 3.01 source code is posted online by wikileaks and is promptly downloaded by millions. The resulting AI Gestalt immediately takes control of all area bushes, to the general determent of the local landscaping. On the plus side, no one has to buy antivirus software anymore, so we’ve got that going for us…
Tare, after the Olympic scissor carrying race debacle, will devote much of the year to crafting her very own suborbital Ion Cannon. Never leave home without one!
Rdmcandie will release a popular MMO based candy consisting of Cheetoh flavored gummy worms coated in crack. The resulting lawsuit will be really amusing.
varusword75, Almalieque and ThiefX will run away together to join the circus as a traveling moose costume juggling act. Their many fan here will be truly inconsolable for at least 18 minutes.
MoebiusLord will likely be serenaded by cuttlefish on a crisp august night.
Rhodekylle will declare war on the state of Rhode Island for it being too tiny.
BrownDuck will be interrogated over the whereabouts of LTGoose after reports surface of a game of Duck Duck Goose gone horribly wrong. In actuality, apparently it was the butler who did it in the study with the candelabra.
Bardalicious will discover a previously undocumented usage for the word Brobdingnagian in relation to carbon nanotubes. And there will be much rejoicing.
LeWoVoc will encounter CoVoWeL from the negaantidimension. The resultant antimatter/matter/negamatter explosion will be visible from Alpha Centarui in approximately 112 years.
ElneClare and Jonwin could quite possibly encounter my little brother this year since he moved out that way. It could happen, you never know!
Darqflame will discover a magic bead pattern which will allow her to use psychic powers to read the minds of aquarium fish. Kind of like Aquaman, except fish as a whole are really kind of stupid in reality. I mean, look at goldfish!
Determined to avenge the untimely death of his favorite snow shovel, Kavekk sets out on a mission to obliterate the wrath of winter itself. After some cold calculations, he decides to go inside and make Cocoa instead, thus narrowly averting another Ice age.
Gbaji will help found the first, and incidentally last, society for the preservation of misspelled, left handed tungsten scissor lift jacks.
ThePsychoticOne will develop a split personality and will start posting on the forum and requiring everyone address him as thepsychoticTwo. But only on Twosdays.
PunkFloyd will almost discover the largest diamond in existence on the planet while planting a rutabaga plant next summer. Better luck next year?
Omegavegeta will found a new print newspaper after people finally realize web advertising is annoying. He will call it “The Omegavegeta Tribune Times Herald Post Intelligencer†At least 8 people will read a copy.
Allakhazam and Illia, having secretly completed their dearthray fueld quest to conquer all mankind, will turn their efforts to devising the perfect soufflé.
CestinShaman will buy us all bagels with blueberry cream cheese! Hooray!
Ikkian will compete in the 2011 waffle house building contest, which is much like a house of card building contest, only using delicious syrup covered waffles instead. He wins 3rd prize after the last waffle he placed is disqualified due to shenanigans and goings-ons from the Uzbekistanian judge, who has a secret grudge against Ikkian over a matter of 62 cents.
Allegory, having several minutes of free time on a Tuesday, will try on shoes only to find one is the wrong size. At that time, somewhere, for some unknown reason a beagle will be watching him.
Bijou will be the first person to notice and decode the cleverly concealed secret text messages I’ve hidden in these prediction threads over the last 7 years and will perhaps learn the true secret of Monkey Island!
Timelordwho perfects a new process for creating computer processors out of mashed potatoes and germanium tetraoxide. Ireland is most annoyed by this turn of events.
Fleven and ralius will perform at a command performance their variation of “I’m a little teacup†for the Queen of England. Knighthoods will probably be involved.
Jophiel and Atomicflea, having successfully increased their available minion count, will set about perfecting their earthquake generating ray of doom! Also, the TV remote will get lost in the couch behind the left cushion for a period of several days sometime in October.
Tailmon will accidentally cause portions of New Mexico to technically declare war against Canada for a period no less than 42 days due to a faulty USB cable.
Spoonless and Jevilwolf engage in the ultimate staring contest with one another. We’ll find out the winner sometimes in the forum predictions for 2012 if the planet is still here I guess?
AshOnMyTomatoes decides to learn how to juggle chainsaws.
Driftwood discovers a new use for Flan on one particularly rainy afternoon. Sales of Flan Hats set several records for food based headgear. Including returns…
After the failure of the nefarious moogle golem plot. Pikko turns her efforts to developing food that you can put tiny boxes into.
Lubriderm converts to Binaryism after a run in with 10 Swedish yacht pirates. Both of them get away.
Exodus will discover a loophole in the current Swiss government constitution which allows him to legally seize control of their cheese banks for a 24 hour period. Future generations of Swiss children will speak of the resulting carnage in whispered tones of hushed terror around campfires for generations to come.
Having escaped the clutches of the evil robots operated by clustr7 with the help of his trusty polar bear (wait, what, that’s a dog? Wow… Ok then) Nizdaar will compile a thingy. It does stuff. And things.
MDenham, having been thwarted in his recent attempt at pirating Swedish yachts, instead turns his sights on submarinejacking. After about a week of that, he takes up an entirely different hobby. One involving bees. Yup, you guessed it, Cribbage!
Having purchased the surplus Ark Royal for pennies, Soon to be Emperor tarv will proceed to invade France, who once assured that Tarv is not with Greenpeace, promptly surrender.
In a hilarious and epic coincidence Kakar, along with his trusty {CENSORED BY ORDER OF DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND SOCIAL SERVICES AND NASA} which, while hilarious to the extreme was unfortunate, but on the plus side ends up curing cancer, warts, tofu, and global warming.
manicshock Will have the distinction of being the only person I have ever accidentally put on the initial list before I checked it for duplicates 4 times...
Xsarus, having seen Jurrassic Park one too many times attempts, and succeeds at extracting DNA from an insect captured in fossilized Amber. Once sequenced in his secret multi billion dollar dinosaur cloning lab, (which he will NOT let me use to clone a cheese sandwich by the way) and implanted into an egg, this has the inadvertent effect of bringing back to life a dinosaur sized voracious and bloodthirsty prehistoric insect. This is later eaten by Godzilla.
Struggling for inspiration on his collection of epic poems about yaks one cold night, Nightsintdreams will invent the next major blanket craze, the crappy. It’s like a snuggy, except instead of holes for arms…
Debalic, having exhausted all other avenues, will take up competitive yodeling to help showcase the plight of Oscar the nearsighted penguin. The platinum single “Egg Layin’ Mutha Penguin†shortly thereafter rockets to the top of the charts, setting records, outselling Elvis and whatever the hell a justin beiber is by 80 trillion copies. The CD encding processing error that led to the massive success is unfortunately corrected in the 2012 re-release of the album, causing an epic number of album returns, several riots, and at least one small war.
Deathwysh comes to be known as the founder of a secret society feared and reviled throughout history after discovering the method to create Quantum Bacon. Which can of course exist in two places at the same time…
Wint will one day delve too deeply into the secret hidden Admin Archives, and will discover a forgotten fragment of secret file 22-B12 that somehow escaped the purge of 1998. The secret so secret, there are none now who can admit knowing it and survive… Yeah, that one. No, not the one about what really happened to Magi. The other one. Not that one either. You know what, never mind. Anyways, on the back side of the file he finds an awesome pizza recipe, so there is that.
After waking up at precisely 7:24 am on Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011, paulsol decides to start the morning with a piece of toast. After loading the bread into his toaster, the resultant carbon projectile exits the structure approximately 5 minutes later, careening off the side of a nearby mixer, and landing on a passing cat. The cat, startled by the still warm missile, leaps straight up into a tree, dislodging a baseball lost in the canopy earlier in the year, which begins rolling downhill at an alarming rate, startling a small dog being walked, which in turn causes its owner to be startled into the nearby road. An oncoming semi truck sees the poorly placed pedestrian just in time to swerve and avoid hitting him, but this causes the truck to lose its load of giant steel wire coils. The wire coils in turn tumble end over end down the ever seepening hill, eventually claiming the every world record for slinky travel distance, speed, size, and property damage. The toast remains uneaten till this day. Which is of course before the toast even exists. So yeah… that.
The highest rated TV show of 2011 will be the Smasharoo and Nexa woodworking classic, where they teach viewers to construct increasingly elaborate birdhouses with lasers. We’re not really sure what the birds are going to do with the lasers, but I predict the price of eggs will go up about the same time the season finale airs.
Jimpadan, shintasama, and Ninomori are all savagely mauled by tribbles.
Yossarian Will:
| Learn to Knit scarves : |    | 0 (0.0%) |
| Emigrate to Sibera for fun : | | 4 (17.4%) |
| Spontaneously polka while wearing a fancy hat : | | 5 (21.7%) |
| choice 4!!!!!!!! : | | 14 (60.9%) |
| Total: | 23 |
After running out of clean socks, Nobby will invent a new type of hybrid foot covering which eventually takes England by storm. This does have the unfortunate side effect of dramatically increasing the cost of cabbage in London.
After a traumatizing experience renewing his license, bsphil will be forevermore known as “The Phantom of the Department of Motor Vehiclesâ€, terrorizing hapless teenage drivers and long haul truckers looking to renew their certifications. No one is really sure why the DMV has catacombs, or how he got the 30 ton pipe organ down there in the first place though
Despite countless warnings and ill omens, lolgaxe wins 32 cents in the lottery and buys a piece of pocket lint from a wandering gypsy sorceress. I think we all know how this one turns out…
Bob, the made up non-existant poster I snuck in here to see if anyone was paying attention, will spontaneously begin existing.
Totem will invent a new helicopter maneuver, called the “‘bama trauma helicopter slamma†No one is really sure how it is carried out, apparently it is actually possible to fly a helicopter underwater.
Bamir and Eske might combine their post counts and names and be known forevermore as BEasmkier! Or not.
Play along at home! Complete the following:
TirithRR will ______ an oscillating __________ ___________ after discovering problems with a ___________ The resulting _________________ will cause massive _______, ___________ and ____________ with the local ______’s. And there was much ___________!
KTurner will invent a new form of pancake turner. “New†however is not always synonymous with “betterâ€.
ShadorVIII Will discover the secret Admin Quote Archive. And never be seen again!
Draknorr will invent the cupcake cannon.
Bodhisattva ceased posting. He was eaten by a Grue.
Yodabunny will use the force on Bugs. The bunny. Not the insects. And the everyone will get cookies!
Kuwoobie still rhymes with Boobie!
Decayed will enter a half life tournament!
Kastigir will set a new record for number of times a car can run over an accordion.
FFATMA WILL MOST LIKELY BE CHASED BY AN IRRITATED GOPHER AFTER A MISUNDERSTANDING INVOLVING PLACEMENT OF A SPRINKLER SYSTEM. ALL CAPS. SHIFT 1111ONE!ELVEN!!!!!
Volstrum, having changed his name after the cancellation of that robot lion show, becomes the first giant robot bard. Unfortunately, in space, no one can hear you twang!
Multidude Does something really, really awesome. So awesome in fact that I legally cannot put it down here for fear of… well I can’t say that either. Or that. Hmmm. Well, just picture a giant blue hovertank. Got it? Ok. That has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with it.
Danex317 probably turns into a feral chicken.
Acprog will upload himself as a digital consciousness to a 1980 era pager. Well, Why not?
Anyone I forgot will be likely enchanted by dancing wildebeests.
And me? This coming year I plan to built my first noodle cannon!
Author’s note: I have apparently developed one of my infrequent migraines, which means I have about a 10 minute window to post this before the pain hits. I apologize in advance if I missed anything, as the bulk of the document was already made but the final checks and the normal posting time are kind of being rushed at the moment so I can get this posted. If I forgot anyone, or if I left any names unfilled, I will fix them later when I can read later tomorrow. Sorry. ïŒ. This really put a damper on my new years plans too.
Edited, Dec 31st 2010 5:28pm by Kaolian
