2010 will be a year of great portent. A turning point in the world at large. We will finally decide to grow up and embrace the stars, or retreat back into the comforting darkness of the known, at the end of an age. For dark times and dark tidings we do indeed begin with this year. The economic situation of the world will improve, however the price of pickled button mushrooms will remain inexcusably high.
The Asylum and OOT conflict that has lasted so many millennia will finally come to an end, with both sides realizing it would be far more profitable to band together to finish off the other weaker, but resource rich sub forums. Aided by a reformed (reformatted?) Clstr 21, a great invasion fleet will be sighted off the coast of WoWforumtopia before the year is out.
Clstr7 meanwhile, will lay low this year, building it’s forces for the inevitable thingy.
The forums will experience change as well, and it is this change that will decide their fate, and the continued existence of all forumkind. I’m guessing nickels.
In a shocking twist of fate, Demea will plead guilty to being a member of the illumines triumvir responsible for ensuring socks secretly go missing worldwide. It turns out they were reprocessing them to make tennis balls and artificial naval lint.
Catwho will get sued by Lillian Jackson Braun. The suit will later be dropped over tea and crumpets.
Nobby will aquire a hobby whilst walking through the Lobby of the local Abu Dhabi Snobby. This will unfortunately attract the attention of a local Bobby, who will proceed to make nearby patrons sobby when he ruins their kohlrabi after inadvertently tazing a misplaced tabby. Wasabi
At exactly 11:31 am , eastern standard time on Tuesday August 14th, Debalic shall discover that he has left his spare aardvark in the trunk of his elephant. This causes all sorts of angst and amusing shenanigans that would be really fun to read about, but won’t be detailed here. For a full transcript, please send a self addressed stamped envelope and $39.99 shipping and handling to…
Publiusvarus will probably enter a null state quantum logic singularity and be catapulted at relativistic speeds 12 minutes into the future.
While hiking in the Andes, TirithRR will rediscover the lost bagel of Al Bakara, missing over 4 centuries, and sought after by baked goods and religious fanatics alike. It will be somewhat stale.
Tasked with an impossible deadline by marketing, Uglysasquatch will develop a new form of high speed pogo stick powered entirely by bacon. The resulting wars make the oil crisis seem like a pleasant memory
Paulsol will start his own disinfectant spray company. Unfortunately, it will later be revealed that sugar water and asbestos powder lack significant disinfectant properties, and are somewhat hazardous as side effects of the uranium based production process. It will still be a top selling product in slovokia, likely due to a label translation error.
Tare, having successfully regained control of her empire after the near disastrous coup attempt of 2009, will dedicate the year to coding and enforcing new laws governing the proper carrying methods for scissors and other matters of world import. It’s all fun and games until someone looses an eye. Then its just fun!
Samira will accidentally discover the cure for mad cow disease when she discovers that cows really like listening to smooth jazz, and it calms them right down.
In a stunning coup, Elinda will develop a new form of shoe based on yak bladders. Nike will fall after sweeping sales figures lead to a total loss of business by them. This will lead them to recruit an elite mercenary band of guerrilla yaks to lead… the Yak Attack!
Jophiel will suffer an unprecedented drop in post count after his keyboard breaks in half from overuse and he is required to purchase a new one. As steam powered keyboards are now extraordinarily rare, the replacement unit will take at least 4 days to arrive.
Dyadem and fhrugby will open a high tech schooner construction company. We don’t know why either.
Despite the obvious downsides, RedPhoenixxx will attempt to break the world landspeed record in a hamster powered vehicle. Current record being 0MPH. Should have used wombats!
Lolgaxe and his as yet unrealized secret arch nemesis Belkira will engage in a twisted tangle of treachery and deception as they diabolically attempt to ensure they get the last cookie on the cookie tray. There can be only one.
Barkingturtle will be walking along the streets of Georgetown, when he will come across a small curiosity shop selling antique lamps. On a whim, he will purchase a tattered lamp containing a genie that grants the wielder one and a half wishes. Norway will cease to exist shortly thereafter.
Allowing for unexpected declinations in the azimuth of earths magnetic field projection, BrownDuck will become the first waterfowl to successfully launch a bottle rocket into orbit. A reeeaally really big bottle rocket.
AshOnMyTomatoes will be videotaped whilst tripping down a flight of shopping mall escalator stairs, inspiring a new form of breakdancing and several lawsuits.
Turin’s future is shrouded. I can see no more. Oh, wait, that’s just a smudge on the crystal ball. Never mind, you get eaten by an Emu. Sorry.
In an effort to prevent the scourge of flooding, Guenny will invent a new type of bomb for delivery to flood affected areas, filled entirely with that absorbant stuff they put in diapers. Well that, and high explosives. Water can’t flood anything if it has been vaporized right?
One morning in October, bsphil will wake up and yawn, knocking his alarm clock off a table and onto a mysteriously placed poodle. The poodle will then bark, startling a passing chickadee, which will fly into a partially filled bottle of 20 year old brandy, spilling it onto an un extinguished candle. The resulting fireball will cause a shockwave, which makes a kitchen cabnet slam shut, starting a bowling ball rolling down a ramp into a bowling pin attached to a line tied to a gun, which fires, hitting a target attached to a swing arm with a large boot at the other end, which pivots and kicks a priceless vase to the floor. This triggers the built in floor cleaning robots, who leave their secret alcove, opening a door that triggers a pressure switch and sends a signal to a robotic treadmill that then makes an octopus run on the treadmill. This enrages a nearby ocelot, which charges the octopus and hits the wall of its cage, causing the cage to slide forward exactly 1 inch, just enough to tip over a beaker of strawberry jello, which then sets and forms a jesus shaped blob. The blob will be auctioned on ebay for $4.11 and sold to an insane women in Nebraska who will build a new cult around it. The resulting holy war between the Jelloists and the salvation army will completely decimate one, maybe 2 acres of unused land. The horror!
Delva, Manosuke and lightningcount will be ravaged by extinct goats.
Forced by circumstances to reveal his awesome ninja powers, Davejohnsan will open a fashion consulting agency in Prague. Shuriken will soon be available as a cuff link for office use!
Gbaji will accidentally manage to type a launch code for a minuteman II MIRV equipped missile in a post about waffle batter preparation methods. Though the prototype missile shield program will manage to partially disable the weapon, a single warhead will manage to impact and destroy Houston, winning Gbaji the Nobel peace prize for literature.
Aethien will go and get the newspaper. Then return.
Unforeseen by anyone, even me, Lightningcount will launch his dastardly plan to create an unblockable internet website pop up ad for creamed corn. This eventually leads to Russia being banned from the internet.
MDenham will start a new philosophical movement based on musings related to the Peruvian musk ox. Muskunisim will soon thereafter swwep the former soviet block states and lead to a resurgent USSR, with at least 2 working ships! Maybe an airplane too!
Having exhausted all other potential avenues of recourse, Xsarus will be seen crossing at the intersection of 5th and main by a surveillance duck.
Fleven and Railius will embark on a quest to seek a patch kit for the holy grail. Which has apparently developed a leak. Tofu will not be involved.
Eiran will discover a hostage situation in progress, and will quickly intervene, using a combination of stealth, guile, and pre-calculus (Bet you never thought you would actually use that, huh?) . This will startle the hostage takers, who at the last second <Censored by order of CIA, NSA, PDA, and bob in accounting> causing everyone to crave eggplant for some strange reason.
Omegavegeta will invade Guam. Unsuccessfully.
Timelordwho will be abducted by the universes lamest space aliens and forced to watch basic cable in substandard lighting conditions.
Surprising no one, Sweetums will steal the Mona Lisa and draw a mustache on it!
PigtailsOfDoom will Doom us all to our Doom when she accidentally triggers a Doomsday device buried under the Siberian tundra. The resulting planetary implosion will leave plenty of room for a Vogon bypass.
Rale, secretly an android, will be upgraded to the new cupcake operating system.
Annabella will accidentally come into contact with a portabella, causing an enormous energy reaction as the two opposite particles annihilate themselves in a flash of neon orange radiation and a faint aroma of limes. This will have a positive effect however, as the resulting radiation shockwave cures all known cases of athletes foot for all time, ending the scourge of the locker room once and for all.
Exodus will have a nice relaxing year free from any unwelcome surprises and paved with unexpected cheese.
Aripyanfar, on a particularly dull and dreary Monday evening, will invent a new form of worm juggling. It will be banned in 48 states soon after the “tonight show Incident”.
MagingMartin will grill a cheese sandwich using a cheese sandwich griller. Yay!
Having finally finished organizing his polka CD collection, Draknorr will learn to yodel in Spanish.
Shaowstrike, with great trepidation will press THE button on March 28, 2010 at precisely 10:42 am, launching Skynet. Fortunately, due to government cutbacks it only becomes semi aware, and spends all of its effort trying to eliminate fictional dinosaurs rather than humans.
Toohotforu will develop a new line of thermal and radioactive shielding undergarments. They will be a hit with the fast food industry and steel smelter workers.
Having recently discovered strange and terrifying mental abilities, GrowlingBunny will use her newfound powers to reign over the citizens of Norfolk, VA with an iron fist. Er, brain. Or something.
Allakhazam and Illia, freed from their obligations here, set off on a tricked out solar powered helium 3 dirigible with a devil may care attitude and a death ray to conquer all mankind. Accompanied by their trusty sidekick Clstr7, the resulting reign of terror will be epic!
Wint will receive a mysterious telegram from the future, informing him that he needs to make sure no one knows about the telegram ever, and to place a wager on the 2011 super bowl where the Seattle Seahawks will score a 7 point victory over the Miami Dolphins after every other football team falls ill with a season long bout of food poisoning brought about by tainted buffalo wings.
Having amassed a secret army of orphaned meeses (mooses? Moosasi?), Niobia will storm mexico and set up a hereditary dictatorship based upon silly hats.
Overburn will bake cookies for all of us
After winning the Nigerian Lottery, Mazra will buy an oboe.
Cami will become the first person to exceed the speed of mu-particles when she invents the hyper hyper drive after accidentally pouring sugar on a package of scotch tape.
Rurode will do absolutely nothing for an entire year. No, not even that. Or that. Or … EWW what’s wrong with you? Why would you even ask that? That’s gross!
Kastigir will quite possible get a button back. Tremble in fear!
Having cured cancer and sneezing, Sogoro will set out in his time machine to try and discover what really killed the archaeopteryx. Early suspects include Professor plum, in the study, with the candelabra.
Pikko will unleash her secret plot to take over the world using animated moogle food golems. The massed hoards of rice and bean paste moogles will be on the edge of seizing control of major internet distribution nodes, dooming us all to hello kitty skins for all websites, when a city janitor by the name of John Winklecrock in Hartford, CT will discover they are delicious. Moogle golems soon become entirely extinct, and pikko is soon captured, until she escapes using a cake cleverly concealed inside a file.
Ambrya will learn how to pilot a nuclear submarine, and how to bake delicious flan!
Darqflame will get married and discover a rare form of whale mucus worth billions. Then she’ll buy us all new phones!
Iamadam will succeed in his effort to have the Wasilla, Alaska airport renamed the palindrome!
After exhausting the local supply of museums, DSD decides to start the first international museum of coffee stains. Featuring an unmatched collection of historically significant stains, including the ring on the back of the declaration of independence, Andrew Jackson’s mocha covered quill pen, and Henry Kissinger’s espresso bean sneeze on Kruschev’s hairpiece, the museum will immediately become a tourist magnet rivaled only by the giant air museum mysteriously constructed next door.
Calthine will invent the atomic bongo drum.
Kirby will win an award for scariest website in the history of the planet
Nadenu will stun the world when she announces that she is actually a collective hive mind of 36 nadenue clones living in secret after a failed genetics experiment. They will then proceed to open a DMV branch with all lines staffed by identical Nadenu’s, leading to a major decline in people successfully figuring out which line they are supposed to stand in to get their licenses renewed.
After a brief period of quiet introspection and thrash metal music, Nilatai will
After a brief period of quiet introspection and thrash metal music, Nilatai will
|Kick it old school :||3 (8.6%)|
|Implode in a shower of green sparks (bet you weren’t expecting that) :||9 (25.7%)|
|Be contacted by space aliens who ask him to turn the music down :||7 (20.0%)|
|Fried yak butter. :||16 (45.7%)|
ThiefX will merge with ThiefY and TheifZ to form Zoltron, Defender of the indefensible, keeper of the sacred sword of bees!
Shadowrelm will be trammeled by Aristocrats.
Paskil will invent a new kind of cake making robot. Which will make cakes. And later, cakepies after a software patch.
ThePsychoticOne will be voted sanest individual ever and entrusted with the care and feeding of a goldfish.
Siralin doesn’t get to know what happens. Because it’s a secret! Shhhh!!!!! (it involves a grenade!)
Ikkian will set the worlds record for longest unaided vacuum cleaner flight
Zokudu will invent a new form of puzzle where you have grids arranged in a number, and you try and fill in the blanks so that the grids resemble a fake, one might even say Pseudo- cow.
CestinShaman will learn the true meaning of Christmas. Also, the true meaning of kartoffelkopf!
Danalog and Peepmouse will write a bestselling tell all novel “our time in zamland, the secrets of the Clstr 7 revolution” It will later be made into a movie. I get played by Christopher Walken.
MentalFrog will discover that it was all in his mind, and he is in point of fact, actually an albatross.
Tarv, having ran out of colonial era wooden ships to ram with his submarine, decides to take on yemani pirate boats instead, using really tiny, slow moving torpedoes to make it more of a challenge.
Catt will categorically deny participating in the movement to try and bring back bellbottoms.
Under mysterious circumstances of great mystery, Usagi will eat a piece of toast.
In accordance with the Prophecy, Kalivha will discover exactly what toad in the hole is traditionally made of.
Bardalicious will become a cannibal and eat himself. He will apparently be delicious.
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, manicshock will prove that the earth is indeed flat.
Technogeek will become the poster child for early tax return filing for some reason. Probably related to mob ties and government stapler kickbacks.
Vataro and Tarub will both get lost on a hikeing trip in the coastal range, and will be forced to eat the SWG forum background. No one will notice.
Kavekk will be revealed to all the world as Arthur M. Miller, advice columnist for dogs after an incident involving 4 landmines and a ****
Soracloud will inherit a sock factory. Upon hearing the news, he will exclaim “Darn it!” as he was hoping for the Porche.
IDrownFish will stay the **** away from my Aquarium if he knows whats good for him.
It was a Darkknight and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out. The butler did it. The end!
While attempting to set the world record for most simultaneous helicopter beanies worn in a 3 minute period, LockeColeMA will accidentally marry the visiting Polynesian ambassador for intercultural relations and lawn equipment sharing when he sneezes 3 times in her presence. Should have got that sneezing cure earlier I guess.
SirElephant will go buy an ice cream cone. Tasty!
ShadorVIII will cackle manically as their plans for the perfect peanut butter and jelly Doomwich are released to the unsuspecting public at large.
Without so much as a whimper, Majivo will determine that the Caliph don’t like it. And will then Rock a Kasbah.
For the first time in recorded history, Allegory will tell us a story about a lorry. In Perstory.
For great justice, kylen will smite the unbelieving mongooses of Punjow Island.
While still under the influence of a really bad cold, Dipster will develop a new form of wireless cat wrangling. The resulting sports league will eventually supplant football as the most wached American sporting event.
At midnight on June 17th, 2010 trickybeck will receive a cryptic message in a phone call, stating “Operation Stellar Platypus is a go”. 20 minutes later, portions of Nebraska will entirely coincidentally become even flatter than before.
ElneClare and Jonwin will star in a live action reality show featuring real time debate on current world issues, and ninjas. It will place 4th in nelson ratings, but only because one of the other shows manages to actually find the loche ness monster (it was actually in Loche Innis MoCholmaig all these years, hiding behind a boulder)
Ehcks will start an extreme tic tac toe gaming league involving landmines.
Despite pleas from the opposition, Pawkeshup will run for president of Albania on the “I have more money than your entire country in my left pocket and am likely not as crazy as your current leader” platform. He will lose on a technicality involving a squeegee, but will be made secretary of the treasury as a consolation prize.
Driftwood will become the absolute definition for at least one word beginning with “T” You know the one. No, not that one. Not that one either. Maybe that one, but probably not. Yeah, that one!
Smasharoo and Nexa will compete in the couples team downhill ski yodeling event, and take the silver medal after treachery by the Finnish team causes them to miss the end of the race by 3 meters, because someone moved the finish line. An after action review board finds in their favor, but instead rules against the appeal since Smasharoo took too long on the fry-o-later with the Russian judge’s order.
Thumbelyna and Trunksbrando will fight a duel to the death, to determine who should rule the Lilliputian empire.
SorinMarcov will hamster nocturne poodle rotate, asbestos right angle moo cow?
Dozer will suddenly be struck with virulent insomnia, leading to a severe nap shortage.
Atomicflea will please to be posting more this coming year.
AngstyCoder will decide to recode the entire site in fortran. Oddly enough, this will actually improve the function of the PM system server.
12,000 spammers will wish they had never been born
Spoonless will be deposed by Sporkless, a Vulcan space pirate with a robot parrot and a peg -ear
Under heavy economic pressure, Redshift will begin printing his own currency, redbucks. With a 40 billion to 1 exchange rate with the U.S. dollar, it’s still a more valuable currency than that currently used in Zimbabwe, and is immediately adopted there as their gold standard.
Busaman will develop the perfect soap bubble for roughly 40 seconds. No other soap bubble, past or future will ever again achieve that degree of perfectness. Unfortunately it will then pop.
Poldaran will report the report post button, causing the forums to become self aware and angry. Very angry…
For no apparent reason Nightsintdreams will spontaneously cease existing for at least 38 minutes.
Though conflicted and itchy, Raolan will attempt to appease the nanognomes by sacrificing no less than 4 brand new CRT monitors to them. It doesn’t work.
Runway will get landed on by an airplane!
Exhausting all other possibilities, GwynapNud will determine that it is physically impossible to restore a hard drive sector ravaged by bees!
Jorsh will somehow manage to get his foot trapped inside a chimney while retrieving an errant soccer ball. This dislodges a hidden cache, releasing a brick behind which is contained the last of the missing shankara stones. Unfortunately, it closes before he is rescued and able to see it.
Tailmon will recombine DNA and create an army of were-penguins.
NixNot will invent a new type of marshmallow cannon capable of puncturing tank armor at 400 yards.
Mren will return to enact his vengeance upon us all!
Stupidmonkey will admit that it is all an act, and he’s actually an ocelot.
KryjeckI will drink some tainted fruit punch and turn into kryhyde, thus terrorizing OOT on full moons.
Kuwoobie rhymes with boobie.
Off on a month long vacation to the north pole, Wordaen will discover the fabled Igloo of Nanook the Conqueror and his lost fortune of walrus hides!
Deadgye will be bitten by a vegan zombie, and will be found roaming the halls of the forums shouting “Braannnnnssss” in an inarticulate voice. He will later change his name to Undeadgye.
Klagoth will be determined to be the sound of your average goth teenager being hit by a large rubber mallet.
Exactly according to master plan Zeta II, soulshaver will lead an elite force of ventriloquist puppets into the heart of darkest Cleveland, there to await the coming storm…
Digitalcraft will be told “34.56993-A” by a retired circus clown.
Codyy will inherit an extra “Y” and become Codyyy
Deadbeet will be caught in the local shopping mall with 2 squeegees, a bucket of rock salt and a rutabaga.
Karthal will be upgraded to the Karthal 9000. I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that
Zepoodle will unfortunately fatally stub his toe on a very large alligator.
Pensive will discover that you cannot adequately strain a writing utensil out of a bucket of hay. (get it? Ok, that one was a bit of a stretch, but I thought it was Hilarious!)
Yossarian will give rise to a new civilization of sentient coffee machines after an incident involving the legendary misplaced grilled cheese sandwich of doom!
Postalmo will ______ while ________ a ________ yak with a bad left ________. The resulting _______ will ensure the utter destruction of ______!
Kevanff will leap gleefully through the tulips with much glee. And an uzi.
Ruhsham will dream of electric sheep. And then have a high electrical bill and 3 missing pillows the next morning.
Leodis will learn to speak ancient sumarian. For no apparent reason.
Terrifyingspeed will get a traffic violation for going 40 MPH in a 70 zone. He will later blame a turtle.
Totem, having decided to film the true to life version of Airwolf will eventually decide he is having a BLast wherever he is these days!
Anyone I forgot will most likely spend a month learning how to sing the national anthem backwards in C minor.
And me? Having ruthlessly enacted my world domination plan coup and successfully being declared emperor of all humanity from my evil hilltop lair in Ridgefield, I shall concentrate this year on trying not to be the only single admin on the site anymore... (well, one of the few at least)