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I'm too old for this sh*tFollow

#1 Apr 28 2006 at 9:19 AM Rating: Excellent
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OK, so some friends of my buddy's come into town yesterday from Maine. We go out to a local sports bar, watch the Sox take a beating, have a couple beers, it's all good. Then my buddy mentions there's a Bikini contest with Hooters girls at some dive bar down the road from his house. We decide to make a drive-by, if it's not too packed we'll go in.

Already, this is a bad idea.

So we swing by, it's surprisingly dead in the parking lot. I mean, you advertise a bikini contest and there's pretty much guaranteed to be a sausage fest at the very least. We decide to get out and check it out real quick. We get to the door and there's a hastily written sign saying "Bikini contest cancelled"

The smart thing to do would be to jump back in the car and go home. However, if there's one thing my friends and I can never be accused of, it's having a plethora of intelligence.

One of them says "Well, we're here, we may as well go in and knock back one before we leave." At this point, I knew I was going to be miserable at work in the morning. So we head in and pull up to the bar, there's about 25 people there and some fat dude in a Zorro hat is running a karaoke machine at the front. The only hot chick in the bar is the bartender, who is nummy. Also, it's outside the city limits so they allow smoking inside, which immediately appeals to two of the guys I'm with.

We order a round and sit at a table fairly close to the stage. Several people take turns going up to strangle the cat, including one guy who only sang Sinatra tunes (badly), one chick who only sang tv show theme songs (badly), and another dude that insisted on pulling the most obscure songs out of the book that I've never heard (badly).

At this point, I think I got real close to bailing on my buddies and getting a good night's sleep. But then one of them, who we'll call Bruce, started hitting on this girl who was not the bartender. She was packing probably an extra 30 pounds, and she did not have a pretty face to at least make it forgivable. Bruce was smitten. I realized that I would be doing myself a disservice not to stick around and watch this train wreck unfold.

So slump-buster (the girl) was hanging with two obviously older women somewhere in their 40's. One of them is actually the second best-looking gal in the room, and the other turns out to be slump-buster's mom. The other guy from Maine, who we'll call Mark, plays the good friend role and starts running interference on the mom. They start playing pool together and he keeps her occupied while Bruce takes slump-buster to the bar for some shots.

Meanwhile, my other buddy and I are sitting back and chuckling over the whole affair, when two girls who just got done with their version of "Ice, Ice, baby" come over to begin flirting. Turns out they are sisters, one is the fat ugly one, and the other is the mostly skinny ugly one. They begin trying to convince us that we should get up on stage and perform for them.

Let me pause a moment and make this perfectly clear. If Salma Hyek and Alyssa Milano came up and asked me to sing karaoke, I would turn them down. I know my talents, and butchering songs on stage in front of complete strangers is not going to happen.

So we banter with the UT sisters (UT=ugly tree) just because there's nothing better to do. Meanwhile, Mark is getting wupped up on in pool by slump-buster's mom, and Bruce and slump buster are beginning to get fairly well in the bag up at the bar. By this time I've had twice my usual amount of beer, and starting to feel invincible. The third chick (the actually decent looking older one) comes by and asks me to play pool with her. As the game progresses it happens she's in the military. So Sarge starts beating me in pool while I oggle her butt.

The beer is flowing like the wine from Capistrani. Soon, it's midnight and Bruce leads slump-buster out to the parking lot for some action. The mom doesn't notice at first, as Mark is keeping her sufficiently occupied but as we all know, mom's have a sixth sense and she starts panicking cause her baby girl is missing. We all join in with interference, hoping at least Bruce is getting a BJ out of the deal. By this time we're all inebriated enough to start hitting on these older gals, and I get Sarge off to the side trying to convince her to "take a walk to clear our heads." Unfortunately, older women have experience, and she knew where I was going with that idea. She grabs my butt a few times, which I took as encouraging, but I don't get anywhere with her.

At about that time, Bruce comes back in. He's wearing everything that slump-buster had to drink for the last several hours on his pants. As the rest of us bust up laughing, mom and Sarge head out the door to go find slump-buster and take care of her. Bruce is so intoxicated he doesn't care that he's got vomit all over his jeans. We finally calm down enough to get the story, and apparently he did coax slump-buster to give him a BJ after some heavy making out and petting. They found a bench where she started doing the deed, when all those shots came back up on her and she didn't even have time to turn away before the projectile vomiting began. He jumped up and got away from her, zipped up and walked away.

The rest of us are laughing so hard that the bartender (hottie) comes over to see what's happening. She sees that Bruce is wearing vomit as an accessory, decides it's his, cuts him off and tells us it's time to go.

I get a cab home, woke up this morning bleary-eyed and probably still intoxicated, and have to bike to work cause my truck is up at the bar.

Thank Bob it's Friday. But there's a good chance another adventure will occur tonight, as it's one of the guy's birthday and we're going out again.
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#2 Apr 28 2006 at 9:27 AM Rating: Excellent
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ROFL
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#3 Apr 28 2006 at 9:28 AM Rating: Decent
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Smiley: lol
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#4 Apr 28 2006 at 9:34 AM Rating: Good
Drama Nerdvana
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If Bruce doesnt end up getting called 'vomit c[Antiquewhite][/Antiquewhite]ock' at least once tonight I will be dissappointed.
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#5 Apr 28 2006 at 9:36 AM Rating: Decent
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Holy sh[black][/black]it. It's Friday? I'd swear it was Thursday.

"Funny thing about being unemployed, the weekends don't mean quite so much. At least you get to hang out with your working friends."

"Is this a- what day is this?"
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publiusvarus wrote:
we all know liberals are well adjusted american citizens who only want what's best for society. While conservatives are evil money grubbing scum who only want to sh*t on the little man and rob the world of its resources.
#6 Apr 28 2006 at 9:39 AM Rating: Decent
Hehe.

Nice story. I find myself with a lot of respect for you friend Bruce for unashamedly returning to the bar with incriminating vomit.

Rate up.
#7 Apr 28 2006 at 9:43 AM Rating: Decent
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Aeropig wrote:
Hehe.

Nice story. I find myself with a lot of respect for you friend Bruce for unashamedly returning to the bar with incriminating vomit.

Rate up.

Unwittingly, not unashamedly. In the same position I probably would rather have snuck into the mens room, washed the pants off and said that I'd wet myself when I realized that I was about to get a header from some ****** bar-fly.
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publiusvarus wrote:
we all know liberals are well adjusted american citizens who only want what's best for society. While conservatives are evil money grubbing scum who only want to sh*t on the little man and rob the world of its resources.
#8 Apr 28 2006 at 9:48 AM Rating: Decent
Quote:
Unwittingly, not unashamedly. In the same position I probably would rather have snuck into the mens room, washed the pants off and said that I'd wet myself when I realized that I was about to get a header from some ****** bar-fly.


Ew. Those stains are not quite so respectworthy. Smiley: grin
#9 Apr 28 2006 at 9:50 AM Rating: Good
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12,735 posts
Aeropig wrote:
Rate up.


1) You can't rate.
2) Rate up != compliment
3) Ram a popsicle stick into the slit of your **** and pour elmer's glue into the opening.

#10 Apr 28 2006 at 9:54 AM Rating: Decent
Quote:
You can't rate.


??

So selecting a rating and hitting the rate post button doesn't rate the poster. Well blimey what a waste of page space. ;)
#11 Apr 28 2006 at 10:06 AM Rating: Decent
Aeropig wrote:
Quote:
You can't rate.


??

So selecting a rating and hitting the rate post button doesn't rate the poster. Well blimey what a waste of page space. ;)


You're not of scholar status or higher, so no, you can't rate. Unless you have a scholar sock floating around? in that case, see E_odus's instructions.




*edit because I can't spell the same word correctly twice in a row.*

Edited, Fri Apr 28 11:10:31 2006 by Althrun
#12 Apr 28 2006 at 10:07 AM Rating: Decent
Aeropig wrote:
Well blimey what a waste of page space. ;)


You should make that your sig.
#13 Apr 28 2006 at 10:11 AM Rating: Good
Smiley: lol


that is all.
#14 Apr 28 2006 at 10:11 AM Rating: Good
Quote:
You should make that your sig.

MOE RACK!â„¢

Edited, Fri Apr 28 11:17:55 2006 by MoebiusLord
#15 Apr 28 2006 at 10:12 AM Rating: Decent
Quote:
You're not of scholar status or higher, so no, you can't rate. Unless you have a scholor sock floating around? in that case, see E_odus's instructions.


Smiley: blush

Well that sarcastic comment backfired on me then. Now where did I put theat popsickle stick?

Quote:
You should make that your sig.


I think that I will. :)

Unless I have to be a scholar for that too?!
#16 Apr 28 2006 at 10:15 AM Rating: Good
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3,118 posts
Ahhh, the good old days.
I need to go out drinking more often, I miss having good stories like this to tell.

Moral of the story: It's always good to have a wingman.


Quote:
So selecting a rating and hitting the rate post button doesn't rate the poster. Well blimey what a waste of page space. ;)

LOLBIFRONZ?
#17 Apr 28 2006 at 10:19 AM Rating: Good
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The stench that he must've had from the vomit must've been horrid. I can't stand that smell.

I'm glad I'm not the throw up type.
#18 Apr 28 2006 at 10:22 AM Rating: Excellent
Nexa
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12,065 posts
It's never a good idea to go out with people from Maine. There's something not quite right about Mainers.

Nexa
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#19 Apr 28 2006 at 10:23 AM Rating: Good
I received a chunder **** once.

Snobby-Rich-White-Chick + (750ml White Zin x 2) + 9" + shallow throat = Chunder ****

I doubt it would have taken the whole thing to get it done, but she was a **** and I rammed it home.
#20 Apr 28 2006 at 1:56 PM Rating: Decent
Prodigal Son
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Well, that's what you get for choking your date with the wine bottle...
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publiusvarus wrote:
we all know liberals are well adjusted american citizens who only want what's best for society. While conservatives are evil money grubbing scum who only want to sh*t on the little man and rob the world of its resources.
#21 Apr 28 2006 at 2:20 PM Rating: Good
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14,454 posts
Nexa wrote:
It's never a good idea to go out with people from Maine. There's something not quite right about Mainers.

Nexa

Woman I work with has a summer cabin up in Maine and she goes up there all the time. She told me there's a local woman who frequents the bars with a tat on her back that says Git 'er done.

Yup, Mainers are a breed of their own
#22 Apr 28 2006 at 2:28 PM Rating: Excellent
Nexa
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12,065 posts
Lady DSD wrote:

Yup, Mainers are a breed of their own


I hear they also have a tendency to fart in public and blame it on the elderly. Disgusting.

Nexa
____________________________
“It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But a half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
#23 Apr 28 2006 at 2:31 PM Rating: Good
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At least us Mas[Aqua][/Aqua]sholes have the decency to fart, take credit, and laugh wildly at everyones grossed out faces

Alla has a prejudice against my state?

Edited, Fri Apr 28 15:31:44 2006 by DSD
#24 Apr 28 2006 at 2:34 PM Rating: Good
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18,463 posts
Nexa wrote:
Lady DSD wrote:

Yup, Mainers are a breed of their own


I hear they also have a tendency to fart in public and blame it on the elderly. Disgusting.

Apparently, they also can't su[/Black]ck co[Black]ck worth a damn.



Edited, Fri Apr 28 15:35:29 2006 by Atomicflea
#25 Apr 28 2006 at 2:37 PM Rating: Good
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The Glorious Atomicflea wrote:
Nexa wrote:
Lady DSD wrote:

Yup, Mainers are a breed of their own


I hear they also have a tendency to fart in public and blame it on the elderly. Disgusting.

Apparently, they also can't su[/Black]ck co[Black]ck worth a damn.



Edited, Fri Apr 28 15:35:29 2006 by Atomicflea



That's why we keep canadians around.
#26 Apr 28 2006 at 3:14 PM Rating: Good
Drama Nerdvana
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I think I've only played the role of wingman once.


I had gone to my home town for a long weekend to spend it fishing, relaxing and hanging out with friends. For some reason we decided to go out to the bar on one of the busiest bars nights of the summer. Probably the prospect of scoring up some hot out of town girls. We got there to find a line up of epic proportions however being a popular hometown boy has its advantage, I knew the bouncer and got to skip the line with the pals.

We were having a good time until I lost my group and got pulled off by a pack of girls I knew from highschool. A bunch of Heathers from back in the day. I then proceeded to sit on the patio and reminisce with a gaggle of boringhigh strung ladies, everytime I tried to escape they would reel me back in. Just when all hope is lost a person walked by, a person I hadnt seen in ages. A friend from back in the day that I hadnt saw in forever due to us living on opposite sides of the country. I made my break and hopped the rail out of the bar. The Heathers tried to woo me back, but I've been there and done that so I cruised.

I caught up to my buddy who has two girls in tow. One is a cute lil blonde, about 18 she is a real looker she is real quite though not the kind to talk about herself, the other is her fat friend who as I find out doing her best to c[/Aqua]ock block my friends advances all night. He asks me to run intereference. Normally I would decline, not my style but I once emasculated the guy in public and impressed a girl enough to get her number so I figure its time to pay up, karma neh?

So its almost last call, we hit an after party for an hour and then go back to the blondes place. We sit out on the deck having a few beer. My buddy seems to be doing well and I get the chubby girl talking and my buddy and the blonde sneak off. I spend the next 45 minutes keeping the fat girl occupied, not an easy task. See since it was just the four of us and the other two were having sex she mistook my playing the wingman as me being drunk and wanting to take a pig home. I managed not to get laid much to her dissappointment.

Well 45 minutes later my buddy comes strutting back with the cutie. He had the c[Antiquewhite]
ocky self assured look that a man gets once he gets himself a random piece from a bar.


I am not sure if it was the alcohol or the sex but the little blonde finally starts talking. Over then next 20 minutes the smile dissappears off my friends face. She proceeds to tell us how she is originally from Kingston Ontario and how she had shacked up with a meth dealer. How after he had given her the clap for the 2nd time that she slept with all his friends, stole his stash and money and moved up here. She was dead serious.

From the look on my buddies face it became clear that he was about to shi[Aliceblue][/Aliceblue]t himself. I could tell he was in full retreat mode now, wanting to leave. I however let it drag for awhile because I was thoroughly enjoying myself.

What are friends for.

Edited, Fri Apr 28 16:23:09 2006 by bodhisattva
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