Forum Trek: Act OneFollow

Forum Trek: Episode One “Neutral Schmorgisborg”

Dramatis Personas:
Kirk: Smash
Data: gbaji
Spot: Wingchild
Lore: varus
Spock: Kelv
Q: Kao
Geordi: mrens
Dr. Crusher: DSD
Councilor Troy: Katie
Guynan: Flea
The Borg: OOC posters
Tribbles: sockpuppets
McCoy: Angsty
Worf: Moe
Marta: Tare
Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Nobby
Sulu: Jophiel
Wesley Crusher: Neph
Uhura: Nexa
Ro Laren: Yanari
Chekov: Debalic
Chief O’Brien: Buffyisgoddess
Holographic Doctor: Yossarian
Red Shirt: Kakar
Ensign Johnson: Nadenu
Lt. Barclay: Danalog
Luke Skywalker: Codyy
Commander Sisko: Totem
Gene Roddenbery: Alla

Act One: Courtroom onboard the space station Deep Space 69 – The right honorable Sisko presiding. Kirk is on trial, defended by Mudd. On the witness stand is Marta.

Mudd: “And has my client not defended your online honor against countless scoundrels and rapscallions?”
Marta: “Yes – he was none to quick about it but if any of ‘Us’ were flamed, Kirk would eventually say something. Particularly if we threatened to quit.”
Sisko: “I’ve heard enough. Kirk, for flaming half the known universe and owing unpaid child support to a significant fraction of the rest, I hereby find you guilty.”
Kirk: “It’s nothing! I disclaim! I can say, or put my willie in, anything and bare no consequences! This…court…is a…sham! I…am…”
Sisko: “Worf, remove this man before he uses any more ellipses.”
Worf: “With pleasure.”
Worf escorts Kirk out as Kirk ranting: “…your father…a hamster! Your hamster…a father!”
Mudd is comforting Marta “Fear not my dear, defending online damsels was my minor back at Oxford, why when I wasn’t punting on the Themes, most of my free time was spent…”
Sisko: “…in bars. Chasing starched petticoats. I doubt the ‘information superhighway’ even existed when this man was studying, my dear. By the way, Mudd, I have to sentence your client to something. Have a look at this, you two, and see what you think Kirk could actually do for money to start putting a dent in all that child support.”
Mudd, Worf and Sisko peer over a terminal.

Meanwhile, in the gallery, McCoy, Sulu and Dr. Crusher are deep in conversation.
McCoy: “Damnit Hideki, we’ve lost the captain. That means we have to listen to Spock ramble on about quantum uncertainty and eastern philosophy!”
Sulu: “Well, it could be worse. I hear Beverly here is in a far worse dilemma.”
Crusher: “Well, Picard is getting his head waxed…and polished”
McCoy, Sulu shudder and look uncomfortable.
Crusher: “Riker won’t come out of the holodeck…”
Sulu: “Which leaves Data in charge, right?”
Crusher: “Well, it would except that Geordi invented a circuit which allowed Data to actually believe what he reads without hesitation or doubt.”
McCoy: “That’s madness!”
Crusher: “We didn’t think to censor the material he viewed. Turns out the first thing he got his hands on was “Atlas Shrugged”. I relieved him of duty shortly thereafter.”
Sulu: “So who’s in charge?”
Crusher: “Me.”
McCoy: “Really?”
Sulu: “Need a helmsman?”
Crusher: “God I'd love to trade Wesley for you. It gets worse. Geordi had his van stolen…”
Sulu: “Not again”
Crusher: “…and his replacement, Lt. Barcalay, has the whole ship running on hampsters.”
McCoy: “Impossible. He’s an engineer, not a miracle worker.”
Crusher: "...and Spot, you know, Data's cat, is hiding in a cupboard, refusing to eat, and we have no vet onboard."
Sisko, Mudd and Marta approach, Mudd escorting Marta arm in arm.
Sisko: “Just the people I need to see. Sulu: I need to speak to Spock, but you’ll do in his place."
Sulu: “What was Kirk sentenced to?”
Mudd: “Well, I got him sentenced to a truly delightful little resort working for the Federation’s most profitable corporation.”
Sisko: “The happiest place on Earth.”
Sulu: “Umm…Kirk doesn’t work well with…”
McCoy: “…people?”
Sulu: “…I was going to say the public, but yes.”
Sisko: “Well it should afford him the opportunity for personal growth”
Marta: “seems he has at least two already I think personality shrinkage would be more desirable.”
Sisko: “Anyhow, Sulu, Crusher, you’re with me. McCoy, want to learn another language?”
McCoy: “Always.”
Sisko: “What about n3wbi3?”
McCoy: “That one I am way too familiar with.”
Sisko: “Excellent. Come with us then.”

Act I, scene 2: Sisko’s office. Images of helicopters and poodles line the walls. McCoy has just finished translating some innane on-screen forum banter.

Sisko: “The non-aggression treaty with the Romulians has been finalized. The Federation has granted them the rights to rename our ships. Crusher, you are now capatain of the Assy. Sulu, McCoy, you now serve aboard the ‘Ylum’.”
Crusher, Sulu and McCoy all protest at once: “Crazy…madness…I’m a doctor not a…”
Sisko: “Listen, it was that or plastic surgery for all officers to give us all pointy ears and forehead ridges”.
Crusher: “Well, what about the station?”
Sisko: “Actually, just the name has changed. The number we have rights over. This place is now called ‘Deep Throat 69’.”
Sulu: “Eeeew”
McCoy: “I’ll send over another shipment of antiretrovirals. I’m sure you’ll need it.”
Sisko: “Understood. I have important news. The Borg are back. They’re invading the Neutral zone of the WoW forum and we predict they will migrate to this forum sector in a matter of days. I need both the Assy and the Ylum to enter the neutral zone, rate them subdefault, and discourage further aggression. Also, some are getting rated up and we can’t find where. If you come across a sanctuary, expose it. Q may be of use in this matter.”
Sulu, McCoy, Crusher groan collectively.
Sisko: “now, now, Q has the complete trust of Gene.”
Crusher: “yes, and Snape had the complete trust of Dumbledore”
Sulu: “wrong genre”
Sisko: “Q has helped us in the past with this kind of mission. Without him, there would be Trouble with Tribbles –and those suckers breed like okra farmers in heat. That will be all – except you Sulu. Go on, he’ll only be a moment. Oh, and Crusher, about Spot, all we have on station is a holographic doctor (no one volunteered to be Bashir) from the Voyager...er I mean the 'EQOA' but the good news is he'll treat anything.”
Crusher: "I'll have Wesley bring Spot over, thanks."
Exit Crusher, McCoy.
Sulu: “What is it?”
Sisko: “Well, today is an holiday of the resurrection in the ancient religious tradition you were raised in?”
Sulu: “Yes.”
Sisko: “The rabbit has some significance in this?”
Sulu: “um…yes…it’s a long story.”
Sisko: “We’ve had a complaint that the Ylum may have plowed through a warren of hyperdimensional space rabbits hiding in that chartreuse emission nebula. Did you experience any undo turbulence back there?”
Sulu: “…”

To Be Continued.


The whole cast will all be worked in to some extent

Edited, Sun Apr 16 20:42:22 2006 by yossarian

I always get left out!

Head over to the Kasting Kouch and pick someone :)

Can I be Ensign Johnson? I know she'll be the first to die, but that's ok.

I'll be the sexy but disturbing alien.

I agree!

So am I like the child androgenous virgin Wesley or the young homosexual ensign?

Give me some motivation, I need to get into my role.

No, it's because you live so close, and you mentioned you were easy

Yay!