So, as some of you may know I have a steady relationship – I have had a girlfriend for over 5 years – and since September 2003 we live in our own house.
All fine and dandy? Err, no.
The thing is: I work as a sports journalist and often spend late nights and weekend days in the office. After all, those are the prime sports hours and thus I am supposed to be here.
My girlfriend has a ‘normal’ (if you consider working 70 hours a week for a wager I wouldn’t even dare to employ myself a Taiwanese 12-year old for) job and – you guess it folks – spends most of her evenings at home. Without me.
Now, in order to spend as much quality time together as I can, I have quit hockey (which f#cking sucks as I miss my friends a lot), quit going out twice a week (see the hockey part) and started learning how to make a proper dinner, buy flowers and generally be the ideal boyfriend. I guess it’s not really me the way I live now, but I feel I am kind of forced to be so in the great wheel we call love life.
When I have an evening off and we are together, I do my best to make the most of it. I try not to get my mood into the way when things bother me (I have a fierce temper, have little patience and am stubborn like a child) and give her a nice time. In a way I guess you could say that I bark like a dog and do whatever you wants me to.
Unfortunately these evenings always have the same end. She’ll try to work on my guilt feeling in order to get me so far that I’ll quit my current job (which I love) and get employment closer to home and at more appropriate times. I never manage to hold my temper when she plays her guilt card and this results in petty little arguments and fights.
Does anyone of you experience the same? Input is greatly appreciated.
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Women. /groanFollow
Hire a jigalo to keep her busy while you're at work.
Disclaimer:
To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a *****. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? Gay. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.
To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a *****. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? Gay. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.
matter of fact here you go........ http://www.jimbowieband.com/Lyrics/just_a_gigolo.htm
Edited, Thu May 20 16:56:44 2004 by johnnny
Edited, Thu May 20 16:56:44 2004 by johnnny
I'm in the same position as your girlfriend, except I'm married.
I think it's time for me to mention working a gigolo into the budget to my husband.
I think it's time for me to mention working a gigolo into the budget to my husband.
learn to control your temper. communication is (IMO) one of the most important aspects of a relationship that needs to be present to survive. losing your temper blurs the lines of communication, and you won't get anywhere. if you can communicate civily, then maybe you can come to a compromise...if not move on.
relationships aren't difficult, but they take work..you've got to be able to recognize when they just won't work and move on to the next episode though.
relationships aren't difficult, but they take work..you've got to be able to recognize when they just won't work and move on to the next episode though.
So, when you argue do you get to call her a lummel?
Relationships on different schedules are tough. I think it's even worse than the distance relationship thing, because you know the other person is nearby. I dunno if it will get easier with time. Hopefully she will come to appriciate the effort you are putting in. and hey, at least she noticed you were gone! that has to count for something!
Relationships on different schedules are tough. I think it's even worse than the distance relationship thing, because you know the other person is nearby. I dunno if it will get easier with time. Hopefully she will come to appriciate the effort you are putting in. and hey, at least she noticed you were gone! that has to count for something!
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I'm pretty much in the same boat.
The only difference is I couldn't care less about my (night) job, and have already put in my two weeks' notice because relationship >> job.
However I wasn't guilted into it. Guilt is never a good way to persuade anyone to do anything, as it usually ends in bitterness on one or both sides even if the guilt-tripper gets what they are after.
Are there other options? Can you two work out something with your schedules that will give you more time together without quitting your jobs -- for example, a 4 days on/3 days off gig? You work as a journalist ... other than your mandatory game attendance, can you perhaps telecommute for the remainder of the week? From what I remember your girlfriend's job is more of a hands-on thing and telecommuting wouldn't be an option for her ...
If you've spent 5 years together without killing each other there has to be something worth working for there ... just remember that a good compromise involves giving on BOTH sides of the table, and I'm sure you'll figure something out!
Good luck
Val
The only difference is I couldn't care less about my (night) job, and have already put in my two weeks' notice because relationship >> job.
However I wasn't guilted into it. Guilt is never a good way to persuade anyone to do anything, as it usually ends in bitterness on one or both sides even if the guilt-tripper gets what they are after.
Are there other options? Can you two work out something with your schedules that will give you more time together without quitting your jobs -- for example, a 4 days on/3 days off gig? You work as a journalist ... other than your mandatory game attendance, can you perhaps telecommute for the remainder of the week? From what I remember your girlfriend's job is more of a hands-on thing and telecommuting wouldn't be an option for her ...
If you've spent 5 years together without killing each other there has to be something worth working for there ... just remember that a good compromise involves giving on BOTH sides of the table, and I'm sure you'll figure something out!
Good luck
Val
Got to admit goal that it sounds like you're doing quite a bit to make this relationship work. The first question that popped in my head is what is she doing to make it work? Seems a lot of partners forget that a relationship takes two people (unless you into that freaky stuff) and that each has to give something to make it work. You gave a sport and friends. What is she giving to make the relationship work. Instead of letting her pull the guilt trip you two just need to sit down and communicate and you gotta let her know all on your mind. You two have to come together on the issue and not just she makes you feel guilty and you find the solutions. You both have to find out the answers and guilt won't do it.
Hit her over the head with your wooden shoe. She'll shut up about the job change pretty quick, I promise.
Totem
Totem
Quote:
Now, in order to spend as much quality time together as I can, I have quit hockey (which f#cking sucks as I miss my friends a lot), quit going out twice a week (see the hockey part) and started learning how to make a proper dinner, buy flowers and generally be the ideal boyfriend. I guess it’s not really me the way I live now, but I feel I am kind of forced to be so in the great wheel we call love life.
I was once in a very similar situation. However I decided that anyone who was going to insist that I stop doing the things I love was ultimately going to make me miserable. So I dumped her and moved on. Not long thereafter I met the current Mrs. Deathwysh. And how has that worked out you ask?
Well, I sold my last motorcycle for financial reasons. When things got better financially I was still miserable from lack of motorcycling. So good old Mrs. Deathwysh, bless her little blond heart, insisted that I go out and buy myself a new one (motorcycle that is). Which I did, and we've been pretty happy so far.
Thanks for your support and ideas :)
Oh, and Totem.. muhahaha.
Keep the feedback coming, guys, I'm young and still learning.
Oh, and Totem.. muhahaha.
Keep the feedback coming, guys, I'm young and still learning.
TBH, if she's using you like that, it's really not worth having the relationship. At risk of sounding like a sap, relationships should be equal. If she's trying to make you give up on one of the most valuable things in your life, she doesn't care enough about you. Move on.
See, that's the problem
I know the loves me like nothing else in this world, she just has a really, really weird way of making that clear.
Women... /sigh
Emotional rollercoasters!
I know the loves me like nothing else in this world, she just has a really, really weird way of making that clear.
Women... /sigh
Emotional rollercoasters!
She's jealous of the job. That simple. No matter what you tell her, she's gonna need cold hard proof that it doesn't matter to you as much as she does. There is nothing you can do to help her, it's a personal insecurity that she'll have to recognize, admit and own before she can conquer it.
Quick and simple fix to everything.
Become gay.
We're only interested in sex. Sometimes money.
Become gay.
We're only interested in sex. Sometimes money.
How about shoes?
Give her the axe. The longer you stretch this out the worse it will be.
I dated the same girl for 5 years. Jealous of my friends, jealous of my job, jealous of my family..etc..etc. I was basically expected to hang out with her at any time that she was not at work. I never wanted to marry her, and after 5 years, we went through a really tough, and really painful split up.
Eight months later I met the girl I married. She is moderately involved with my friends, an active part of my karate dojo, plays on my soft ball team etc..etc..etc.
There are better fish in the ocean Goal. Rebait your hook and try again.
Tacosid
I dated the same girl for 5 years. Jealous of my friends, jealous of my job, jealous of my family..etc..etc. I was basically expected to hang out with her at any time that she was not at work. I never wanted to marry her, and after 5 years, we went through a really tough, and really painful split up.
Eight months later I met the girl I married. She is moderately involved with my friends, an active part of my karate dojo, plays on my soft ball team etc..etc..etc.
There are better fish in the ocean Goal. Rebait your hook and try again.
Tacosid
I voted for the other guy.
In the end, you have to realize that we canonly give you suggestions and past experiences.
It all comes down to the fact that you two need to have a long serious talk. Depending on what happens in it, you fix the problem, begin to fix the problem, or end the relationship.
You obviously can't continue on in the current situation, and there are only 2 options: Fix the problem, or leave
It's not a kind of thing you can rationalize away. There might be love, but it's not worth it if you are miserable in other aspects of your life. Sacrificing everything for love is Hollywood *********
You have to be happy, or love means nothing. If the person you love refuses to let you live your life as you need, then they're not worth it. You have to come to a conclusion in the end, and it may not be nice, and it may hurt.
I end up having to stay away for long term relationships. I've yet to find anyone who understands me enough to know that my juggling being an anime addict, gamer, guitarist, and extreme liberal is part of who I am, and it comes with loving me.
If she truly loves you, she'll realize that your job is part of you, because it's something you enjoy, not something just there to bringn in money. To her, it seems that a job is just a way to facilitate living, but to you, a job is part of living.
I won't claim to know what to do, but I do know that there are very few things you can do, and it needs to be solved before it gets worse.
Any way you cut it, it's going to be hard, and best of luck too you.
It all comes down to the fact that you two need to have a long serious talk. Depending on what happens in it, you fix the problem, begin to fix the problem, or end the relationship.
You obviously can't continue on in the current situation, and there are only 2 options: Fix the problem, or leave
It's not a kind of thing you can rationalize away. There might be love, but it's not worth it if you are miserable in other aspects of your life. Sacrificing everything for love is Hollywood *********
You have to be happy, or love means nothing. If the person you love refuses to let you live your life as you need, then they're not worth it. You have to come to a conclusion in the end, and it may not be nice, and it may hurt.
I end up having to stay away for long term relationships. I've yet to find anyone who understands me enough to know that my juggling being an anime addict, gamer, guitarist, and extreme liberal is part of who I am, and it comes with loving me.
If she truly loves you, she'll realize that your job is part of you, because it's something you enjoy, not something just there to bringn in money. To her, it seems that a job is just a way to facilitate living, but to you, a job is part of living.
I won't claim to know what to do, but I do know that there are very few things you can do, and it needs to be solved before it gets worse.
Any way you cut it, it's going to be hard, and best of luck too you.
Quote:
Eight months later I met the girl I married. She is moderately involved with my friends, an active part of my karate dojo, plays on my soft ball team etc..etc..etc
This is what I never had with my ex of 5 years. She never wanted to do ANYTHING I liked with me. On the other hand, I did everything and more on her side.
It's taken me a while, but I realized that I would rather be single, living alone and happy, then to be living with someone who could give a sh*t about me.
So... it hasn't occurred to anyone that she's feeling lonely, neglected and frustrated and isn't actually a bad person?
It sounds like you're both feeling backed into your respective corners and neither is satisfied.
Time for negotiations.
It's easy for her to say "You never spend any time with me", but she has to figure out the answer to the question "how much time would be enough?". Spell it out in concrete terms. It sounds contrived (and it pretty much is) but how can you come to an understanding if the terms aren't defined? You (and she) may find that the happy balance may not be as far away as you think.
It's not fair of you to tell her you're willing to make certain comprimises and then resent her for it. Same goes for the whole "it’s not really me the way I live now, but I feel I am kind of forced to be so in the great wheel we call love life." Be true to yourself, but recognize we all make adjustments to accomodate our partners. Figure out a comfortable balance.
She needs to find her own interests so you are not her only source of personal/social fulfillment. It's too much to ask of one person (and it's not healthy.) Where are her friends and family? What are her interests, hobbies? How did she keep herself entertained before you were there?
A lot of us let friendships and outside interests fall by the wayside when we enter a new relationship. That's all fine and dandy during the infatuation phase, but not so good in the long term.
You're extremely fortunate in having a career you love. I wouldn't advise you to give it up. Knowing the hours it requires, is she ever going to accept it? If her answer is "no, no matter what" then you have a serious problem. If her answer is "yes, with conditions" then you at least have a starting point for negotiations.
Wow, that got longer than I expected. Hope some of it's helpful.
Good luck.
It sounds like you're both feeling backed into your respective corners and neither is satisfied.
Time for negotiations.
It's easy for her to say "You never spend any time with me", but she has to figure out the answer to the question "how much time would be enough?". Spell it out in concrete terms. It sounds contrived (and it pretty much is) but how can you come to an understanding if the terms aren't defined? You (and she) may find that the happy balance may not be as far away as you think.
It's not fair of you to tell her you're willing to make certain comprimises and then resent her for it. Same goes for the whole "it’s not really me the way I live now, but I feel I am kind of forced to be so in the great wheel we call love life." Be true to yourself, but recognize we all make adjustments to accomodate our partners. Figure out a comfortable balance.
She needs to find her own interests so you are not her only source of personal/social fulfillment. It's too much to ask of one person (and it's not healthy.) Where are her friends and family? What are her interests, hobbies? How did she keep herself entertained before you were there?
A lot of us let friendships and outside interests fall by the wayside when we enter a new relationship. That's all fine and dandy during the infatuation phase, but not so good in the long term.
You're extremely fortunate in having a career you love. I wouldn't advise you to give it up. Knowing the hours it requires, is she ever going to accept it? If her answer is "no, no matter what" then you have a serious problem. If her answer is "yes, with conditions" then you at least have a starting point for negotiations.
Wow, that got longer than I expected. Hope some of it's helpful.
Good luck.
Why be with someone as only boyfriend/girlfriend for 5 years? Sounds like you two have only been comfortable with it because you are living on the past. Why not get married?
I know in this day and age, this will be flamebait, but come'on! 5 years and the problems you are posting seem only symptomatic of a bigger issue. You two are going your separate ways.
Either commit with a marriage or shut up. You can't expect to live in some sorta dating limbo and living with her limbo for 5 more years.
I know in this day and age, this will be flamebait, but come'on! 5 years and the problems you are posting seem only symptomatic of a bigger issue. You two are going your separate ways.
Either commit with a marriage or shut up. You can't expect to live in some sorta dating limbo and living with her limbo for 5 more years.
Vercetti: I'm not American.
Is it me, or do Americans see marriage as a solution for everything? I am absolutely amazed by the speed in which Americans shove the opposite sex a ring around the finger or get officially engaged.
For instance, a few days ago I bumped into an old guildie. I think the girl is not older then 18. She proudly told me she had a new boyfriend and that he was her fiancee. They are getting married next month. After 4 months :-/
For a Dutchman like me it is very normal to have a long relationship before getting married. Do you believe a wedding dress, party, expensive ring and holiday to Hawaii would solve our problems? I think not.
Thanks for the input, everyone. I'll give it some thought.
Is it me, or do Americans see marriage as a solution for everything? I am absolutely amazed by the speed in which Americans shove the opposite sex a ring around the finger or get officially engaged.
For instance, a few days ago I bumped into an old guildie. I think the girl is not older then 18. She proudly told me she had a new boyfriend and that he was her fiancee. They are getting married next month. After 4 months :-/
For a Dutchman like me it is very normal to have a long relationship before getting married. Do you believe a wedding dress, party, expensive ring and holiday to Hawaii would solve our problems? I think not.
Thanks for the input, everyone. I'll give it some thought.
It was meant to say that you're not going to solve your problems.
Even internationally, 5 years is a very long time to go without marriage. That long going on proves something isn't working well enough to get married, and that's a bad thing....A very bad thing after 5 years.
Even internationally, 5 years is a very long time to go without marriage. That long going on proves something isn't working well enough to get married, and that's a bad thing....A very bad thing after 5 years.
I'm 24 for crying out loud!
She is just 22!
I mean.... /gasp
She is just 22!
I mean.... /gasp
Chase her 'round the ol' windmill, pole vault across some drainage ditches, and dance the "Kloppen". That'll pluck her heart strings, Goal.*
Totem
*Dutch women-- stubborn as mules, most beautiful in the world.
Totem
*Dutch women-- stubborn as mules, most beautiful in the world.
Quote:
*Dutch women-- stubborn as mules, most beautiful in the world
Amen.
/sigh
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