Troy....It's no Gladiator. In fact, it's no Ice PiratesFollow

So I just got back from watching "Troy" and thought I'd share a few thoughts with you.

1) Brad Pitt's *** should have gotten second billing. On the credits and the billboards, anytime the cast was mentioned it should have been "Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt's ***, Orlando Bloom," etc. I'm not homophobic, but exactly how much naked man *** am I reasonably expected to tolerate? By any measure this was just too much. Gratuitous Pitt *** shots were abundant and popped up when you least expected them. About every five minutes or so.

2) If you're going to alter a 3000 year old story, at least make it *more* intresting, not less. Whoever abortioned up the screenplay for this baby clearly had somewhat diffrent ideas of character development than I do. First, Achiles is now just an ordinary guy. There's no dipping in the magic juice to make him invulnerable except for the heel, he's just an average dude who has become the greatest warrior in history because he's learned the great and important secret of...

jumping. That's the only thing I could discern that gave him any particular advantage. He'd run up to the poor bastards on the other side who hadn't yet learned the secret of jumping and jump and kill them. Apparently they were so confused when he left the ground that they're more than willing to just die instead of trying to puzzle it out.

3) Orlando Bloom should only do gay **** from this point onward. I realize that even Homer's Paris is a bit of a whiney little *****, but having Bloom play him is just typecasting overkill. I imagine they only made the decision after discovering that Judy Garland was, in fact, dead and couldn't audition for the role. I wanted nothing more than to see someone kill Paris by about ten minutes into the movie and had to suffer with knowing that it wouldn't happen.

4) Every pointless CGI line battle now offically looks the same. It was cool in "Braveheart", still sort of novel in LOTR, now it's about as compelling as Terminator 2 type "morphing" is. There's probably 45 minutes of battle scenes cut throughout the movie, and they get more and more desperate to try and seem original. Aside from the aforementioned jumping. there's lots of spinning, "Bull" from Night Court with a giant hammer and last, but not least...

5) Great Balls of Fire. WTF? At one point in the film the Trojans come out of the city walls to where the Greek boats are mored, and roll giant balls of hay or twine or somsuch over some flaming arrows they had previously shot onto the beach to create, quite litterally, great balls of fire. At this point in the movie I did, of course, exclaim "Goodness, Gracious!"

6) Odessyus got playa-hated. My favorite character from the Illad gets relegated to a small ***** part in the movie, allthough he's played by the only actor who seems to give a **** at all.

7) Aryian's are sexy. Apparently there were a great deal many more tall blond people in ancient Greece than there are today. Achilies is blond, Helen is blond, Achilies cousin (who looks so much like him I couldn't tell them apart) is blond, etc. Helen, the most beautifull woman in Greece is blond, and Achilies the great alpha male is blond too. I was a little suspicious that they hadn't actually adapted The Illiad and had instead made a movie out of Mein Kampf without telling anyone. Clever bastards. This suspicion was furthered when every character who was "evil" looked more and more like Orthodox Jews. Curly black hair, beards, everything but the hat.

8) There was some of the worst dialouge in the history of film. I'm pretty certain that most of it was stollen either from "Roadhouse" or "The Last of the Mohichans" When you see the movie you'll understand this more fully.

In short, it was pretty amazingly horrible. You gay men should enjoy it immensly between Pitt's *** and Orlando Blooms sheer twinkieness, but I'd advise evevryone else to stay far, far away from it.

I'm certain that this will encourage most of you fuc[b][/b]kuts to run off and see it at the earliest opportunity so you can prove me wrong. At least I warned you.

Edited, Sat May 15 06:27:07 2004 by Smasharoo

Thanks for saving me the money this weekend Smash.

Leave it to Hollywood to take a story about the Beauty of a woman and turn it into a gay festival featuring Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom. I am sure the ladies probably loved it.

Okay, this is dissapointing. I'm always griping that Hollywood executives have completely run out of the courage to try new, original story lines, but one used to be able to at least count on the occasional piece of classic literature done for film. I mean the stories have withstood the test of time. They can't ***** them up too badly, right? Right?

Brad Pitt is still acceptable eye candy but if my only reason to go to this movie is to see his *** every 5 minutes, it's just not enough. I'm sure I could do a google search and find the equivalent for free.

No, Bull's not in it. Bull was played by Richard Moll, Ajax in Troy (I can only assume he was the one Smash was referring to, since he's the only one over 6 feet tall) was played by Tyler Mane.



Maybe they'll make an Odyssey as well. It's been a while since we've had one, and god knows Hollywood can only go so long before they have to remake something.

That's right.

Oh, and +2 for me!

Karl Urban = yummy.

Sorry, but the Sci-Fi channel recently made a version of the Odyssey, starring Armand Asante. Maybe they'd make a theatrical version, but I doubt it would be anytime soon.

Actually, Helen was blond in the stories. I don't know for certain if Achilles was blond or not, but according to the ancient Greeks, anyone who was blond was either God touched/blessed or the child of a God. Helens blondness was one of the reasons she was considered to be so beautiful.

As for the beard thing, I think only married men were allowed to have beards back then. So, that would explain why all the kings had beards, Hector had a beard, and everyone who was supposedly married had a beard, but Achilles, his cousin and Paris were smooth skinned.

Glad you got to see the movie Pikko, and damnit go into labor!

As for the movie itself, I probably won't go. I think Shrek 2 will be more pleasurable to view ROFL

It wasn't awful, but neither was it rivetting. It had that "made for tv" feel to it.

Newsweek's review made mention of the hairless aspect of Troy as well, as if somehow waxing men's chests and greasing them up afterwards was the hip thing to do back then. It went on to say how the director had a weird fixation with Brad Pitt's looks, which bordered on homosexual obsession.

Totem

was Morgan Freeman in it?


and here, argue about this;
http://www.geocities.com/dienekesp/hellenes.html






Edited, Mon May 17 01:46:08 2004 by Kelvyquayo

what theatre is showing it? none of the ones in houston still have it.

That could be very well be true, except then why would they describe Demeter and Rhea as both rich-haired and blond-haired, if by rich-haired they mean black-haired?

This is why I love Greek mythology. It's as clear as mud most of the time. :)