A long time ago I read a quote from a judge who presided over child custody cases. It went something to the effect of "Bringing a child to the courthouse is tantamount to child abuse."
Being a child of a broken home I can heartily agree with this. Being encouraged to "take sides" against one parent or another caused me severe emotional distress. Being brought before strangers (mediators and counselors) and asked uncomfortable and personal questions about my parents and my relationship with them was worse.
Watching my mother break down in tears outside the courtroom when my father won custody of me was more than I could bear. It was 24 years ago now, and I remember it like it was this morning ... my heart still constricts.
So when the father of my children and I parted ways, we both agreed not to take the matter of the kids to court (we were never married, so no divorce needed to be filed). He was certainly in no position to do so at the time, being jobless and homeless, and I had no desire despite his destitute situation to bar him from visiting the kids. For a short time he lived nearby me and I used to drive the kids to and from his apartment because he didn't have a car. When he moved to Texas and married, I made sure to have the kids call him at least once a month even though he made no effort to contact them himself.
I never asked for child support even though (through his marriage) their father was in a far better financial position than I was as a full-time student. I didn't want to place a strain on his marriage (I reckoned being married to him was bound to be hard enough on the old gal!) ... and I knew my mom and grandparents would never allow the kids to want for anything even if my wages and scholarships couldn't cover some expense or other.
Eventually, though, my circumstances changed for the worse ... the money dried up at my job during a really bad slow season (I was working in the evenings as a waitress) and my mom started exhibiting signs of severe alcoholism. Strange people started hanging around herself and my brother, who lived on the same property as myself and the kids but in a separate house. I began to question the wisdom of leaving the kids with my mother in the evenings while I worked, and unfortunately I couldn't afford a babysitter at night in addition to daycare while I went to school.
So at this point my options were: 1) keep sending the kids to stay with my drunken mother or 2) quit my job. In retrospect, I probably should have filed for child support at this point, but I have an ingrained hatred for courthouses and legal proceedings as a result of my past experiences.
Instead, I chose to give up physical custody of my children to their father, who lived in a nice house in Texas courtesy of his previously-widowed wife. While I was not altogether convinced of the father's parenting skills, I judged his wife to be a level-headed woman and in any case considered removing my kids from their unsafe situation by any reasonable means to be paramount.
I have received plenty of criticism regarding this, been accused of "abandoning" my kids, been regarded with horror by other mothers who thought this sort of thing was a clear declaration of a "bad mother." I mean, what mother would give up her kids??? Circumstances be damned, live out your life on state aid, kids NEED their mother, etc etc.
If you have an insult to throw my way, don't expect any reaction from me. I've heard them all, and I stand by my decision. So you can cheerfully **** off.
So anyway, over the past 4 years I have maintained contact with the kids via telephone and email, and visited them 3 out of 4 summers, usually taking them to Florida so they and I can visit my family at the same time (I live in California now). Never had any problems with the kids being picked up or brought back, safety issues, health issues or otherwise.
So this summer when I ask to fly with my kids to Florida for 10 days to visit their grandparents, I get a big fat "no" and an ultimatum that if I want to visit them, it has to be in Texas. Plus he's planning to file for sole custody and intends to find some way to allow his wife to adopt my kids despite the fact that I have refused to give my consent to this (I would have to sign away my parental rights -- um, no).
I have no problem with the kids staying where they are. I have no reason to fear for their safety so long as his wife is there (if they divorced I'd file for immediate custody, he can barely take care of himself much less the kids). I have never contested, nor expressed intent to contest, the physical custody of the kids. I feel that it is important for children to have a stable home environment, and that includes going to the same schools every year and living at the same house for the majority of the year. I have never considered their time with me as anything more than a vacation.
But now I'm being forced to take this to court to secure my visitation rights, which I am legally entitled to in vast excess of the small amount of time I've requested each year so far. I can only think that this is some sort of retaliation for not aquiescing to the adoption, for which I can see no valid legal reason to agree to.
I realize that eventually my rights will be observed, but I am so pissed at their father right now for making a court battle necessary. He's basically going to take me to court and put my kids through all this ******** only to find out that not only can he NOT keep my from seeing my kids, but in fact I have a right to far more time than I've ever asked him for. He refuses to listen to reason, and seems to think of the kids as some sort of possession of his that he can use against me for not agreeing to his stupid demands.
What an *******.
Rant over.