Jokes of the day 3-23-04Follow

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”

The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”

“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.

“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that ******* smirk off your face.”

=================================================================

A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes a genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East and asks the genie if he can bring peace to this part of the world.

The genie pales, and says, “Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen.”

“OK”, the guy says, “tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me with the best ******** I’ve ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!”

The genie shakes his head and says, “Let me see that map again.”

=================================================================

A woman standing naked in front of a bedroom mirror says to her husband, “Honey, I look fat, ugly, and pale. Give me a compliment to cheer me up.”

The husband thinks for a second and replies, “At least there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

=================================================================

A woman walks into a sporting-goods store and asks the salesman if he could help her pick out a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she explains.

“Did he tell you what caliber to get?” asks the salesman.

“Are you kidding? He doesn’t even know I’m gonna shoot him.”