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#1 Mar 10 2004 at 11:22 AM Rating: Good
YAY! Canaduhian
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Drinking a coffee...enjoying the...err..sunshine....

I went to the Tate Gallery today to look at the work of Constantin Brancusi - a brilliant sculptor. Just thought I'd check in on the board. It's a sickness!!

Be well all. Smiley: smile



Edited, Wed Mar 10 12:22:57 2004 by Tare
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#2 Mar 10 2004 at 11:28 AM Rating: Good
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They have sunshine in England? I thought it was just a neverending overcast.
#3 Mar 10 2004 at 11:29 AM Rating: Excellent
Ha, you're more addicted than flea and me, we managed to stay away for the majority of our trip, was our last day when flea finally logged on, unless she was sneaking out late at night.

Smiley: glare
#4 Mar 11 2004 at 1:30 AM Rating: Good
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Hey Tare!!! Did you get me a souvenier yet?

Oh, by the way, say howdy to the Brits, but make sure you say "howdy". That's sure to **** 'em off -=)
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#5 Mar 11 2004 at 7:23 AM Rating: Decent
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Guide for Americans Visiting Britain

Vocabulary
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great ******" -- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.

Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta , which they call a "****." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a **** -- everyone will understand and forgive you.

Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon **** for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

Transportation
Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important to know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organisation -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.

******** to your mum! ("farewell and good health to your family")
#6 Mar 11 2004 at 7:29 AM Rating: Excellent
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Hah! that's great!
#7 Mar 12 2004 at 9:48 AM Rating: Good
LOL Pat, are you trying to get someone killed? hehe good one.
#8 Mar 12 2004 at 12:44 PM Rating: Good
I'm sure I'm only understanding about 20-25% of the "good advice" offered. I guess I'll just have a **** and try to catch a bumbershoot later...
#9 Mar 12 2004 at 3:31 PM Rating: Good
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I'm with Mike, I only got a few of the jokes, er references. Still funny though. Smiley: clown

Edited, Fri Mar 12 15:30:28 2004 by Nadenu
#10 Mar 13 2004 at 7:53 AM Rating: Good
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What a brilliant read.

Quote:
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man.


Ha ha ha
#11 Mar 16 2004 at 6:25 AM Rating: Good
YAY! Canaduhian
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Hi all! I am writing from Rome! The trip has been great fun, although extremely exhaustive on the feet. I have blisters on my blisters. The food has been yummy as hell. I cannot really express how cool seeing the old Roman ruins has been. The Colosseum was out of this world.

What's happenin' here, little chickens....*cant find question mark...arrrggh!!
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#12 Mar 16 2004 at 8:05 AM Rating: Good
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Well, not much. A lot of back-and-forth glove-smacking in the Women's Day thread, though. Why do threads/streets/events about minorities always denigrate into violence?Smiley: disappointed

I am jealous of your fancy-free "in Rome-ness". My friend worked for the UN for a time, and she lived in Rome. Said it was almost too beautiful sometimes. Any pictures? Have you seen any great art?
#13 Mar 16 2004 at 8:47 AM Rating: Excellent
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sorry.
#14 Mar 16 2004 at 11:54 AM Rating: Excellent
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Whatcha sorry for, Kao? Sheesh, the way people have been carping on you you'd think the rest of us weren't touchy and egomaniacal at one time or another (or all the time). Smiley: wink2 Have your day!

This entire forum is made out of glass.
#15 Mar 18 2004 at 9:03 AM Rating: Good
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Thought so
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#16 Mar 18 2004 at 9:11 AM Rating: Decent
Flea wrote:
This entire forum is made out of glass.


Recycled beer bottle glass?

That'd explain why hippo keeps on licking the walls.
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