Fate, demon fate.Follow

Went for coffee with an old friend tonight. She is one of my tamer friends. Very settled. Boyfriend of 11 years, house they love, good University job. After a few minutes of slurping joe, she decides she needs a real drink. She seems kind of out of it...a little...different. So, I ask her:

What's gotten into you?

Seems a harmless enough question; I mean I don't expect a real answer. She then tells me that, while she was away on a conference for work, she met the most amazing fellow. I mean this guy rocked her world. She didn't sleep with him, but is firmly convinced that she is in love with him, after only knowing him a few days. They are e-mailing now everyday and he has expressed similar feelings.

And, being the good friend that I am, I am going to Montreal with her in May so she can meet up with him on the sly. Now, here's my dilemma. I really like her current boyfriend. Should I be doing that? I mean, she's going to use me as an excuse to go to Montreal "just the girls" when really I'll be waiting for them to stop boning all night and come out with me.

I dunno. Sorry about the rant, guys. I guess I'm more than a little confused about matters of the heart these days. I wonder what you all might do. I love her, and I want her to be happy, but I am not 100% down with sneaking off to meet this other guy.

Anyone wanna invite me to visit? Hehe.

She should tell boyfriend of 11 years before she goes. Have the courage to be faithful or the courage to go for something else.

Cheating is uncool, and I don't think I would want to help.

Yup. Sounds like the less known "11 year itch". Um... Yeah. :)

I am curious though. She's been dating this guy for 11 years and they haven't gotten married? What's the story there? There has to be a reason for that. Not that I'm some pro-family drone or anything, but if you're going to be steady with someone that long, you may as well get married and get it over with.

I'd have to know more about what she's going through right now. Are there any plans for marriage with her current boyfriend?

If not, maybe this is her way to see if there's something "new" out there. She may be deciding that she really wants something more permanent and if she's not getting it where she's at maybe she needs to go looking before it's "too late".

If yes, then maybe she's just got a case of "last minute fling" going on. I mean, she's been going with the same guy for 11 years. Maybe the marriage thing is finally looming and she's a bit concerned that she's not seen enough "other guys" to be sure she's with the "right guy". That's a pretty common thing to happen when you see those long term high school sweethearts about to get married.


Again. I don't know anything about this woman, so I'm just throwing out possiblities. I don't know how old she is, how many boyfriends she had before the current one, how she feels about marriage, kids, etc.


As to being the enabler? Hard to say. If she's going to cheat on her boyfriend with this guy, she's going to do it whether you get involved or not. My instinct tells me that with you there, she has an excuse to back out if she decides to chicken out at the last minute. If she's even contemplating getting it on with this guy, then that's just something she's looking at doing. If it's not this guy, it'll be someone else later. People generally don't just randomly meet someone they click with unless they're looking. There was something going on with her and her perception of her relationship before she met this new guy, and nothing you do one way or another will change that. She'll have to work through it herself. Either she'll move on with the new guy, or she wont. But it'll untimately have to be her choice.


There is one huge danger though, and something to be very careful about. Again, I don't know the people involved, so I can't tell you (but you should be able to get a feel for this yourself). Depending on her personality, she could verywell be using this as a pressure tactic to get something she wants from the current guy. This ties into the "I want more from the relationship then I'm getting" idea above. She may very well be doing this whole thing intending all along to get caught at it. The intent may be to force the current boyfriend to move the relationship forward (or something else, hard to say). The point is that this could be dangerous for you to get involved in since as the "enabler", you'll be seen as the bad guy. She can always just cry to him and say something sappy to him like: "I wasn't sure you loved me, and it was a moment of weakness. But now I know you care, and I love you, and I never want us to be apart again" (blah, blah, blech). He, being a guy, will fall for that one. Especially when coupled (pun totally intended) with good makeup sex. He'll also get whatever message she was hitting him over the head with. You, on the other hand, are going to be stuck as "The friend who lied to cover up the affair", and have no such easy way out.


So. It totally depends on how well you know the motives of this woman. I'd have a really long talk with her and figure out why she's doing this. Then, you need to figure out whether the potential fall out on yourself is worth whatever benefit this may be for your friend (if there is one). Heh. It's a pretty sucky situation IMO. I'm just kinda suspicious that she's being so open with you about this in the first place. That's just odd...

Thanks Gbaji. Your post really made me think about it all. Well, they are not the "marrying" kind, if you get my meaning. They have been happy with the status quo up until now. Suddenly, she met this guy and it seems like her old life has slipped away. Her current boyfriend is a little unappreciative and perhaps a little bored too with the whole thing, not unlike most people in a really long term relationship. She seems desperate. She seems like she really needs this in her life. She honestly believes he is her soul mate, and all they did was hold hands.

As to me being the evil enabler, I guess that's a role I can fill for this friend. She has been there for me through thick and thin. Thanks for your advice on the "I want more from the relationship" angle. Hadn't thought of that. Bottom line to me: complacency is death. And it is.

Karma's a bitch, Tare, be careful. I'm not down with cheating in any situation. Tell your friend to grow some balls (figuratively) and tell her boyfriend that she's over him. I think that's the least she owes him after 11 years and the hurt she'll cause, at least she can be honest... I wonder how her "soulmate" would feel knowing that she is the kind of girl that chooses to experiment with strangers when she's bored with someone rather than work her way through and talk about her issues. Storybook love is for children, people don't magically get along. This "soulmate" is by no means the answer to a prayer. Tell her to quit kidding herself. All he is is a giant arrow pointing to her own weakness. Sorry to be so harsh about this, truly, but any way I look at it this is an awful thing for her to do to someone she professes to have loved, or someone she claims to love now. If she truly wants a new beginning, then at least start on a clean slate.

Are you sure you aren't doing this because in some way, you wish it was you?

Edited, Tue Feb 3 10:38:46 2004 by Atomicflea

Nah, and maybe I should have been clearer. I did say all of those things to her about starting with a clean slate and telling her b/f before she goes etc. I honestly have never seen anyone so lovestruck though. This guy she's magically in love with is married and has a kid too. Talk about complicated craziness. The reason I'm going are twofold:

1. To support her. She is my friend, after all, and was long before her and current b/f got together. I like him very much but her friendship is old and dear to me.

2. Trip to Montreal! Woo hoo!!

And Nadenu has invited me to stay with her!!

Points all well taken. I got an e-mail from her this morning. She apparantly called him last night and spilled her guts. He told her that he could not, and would not, leave his son. And that means staying with his wife too.

She is upset. I guess this whole thing has opened her eyes a little and maybe she will make changes in her life for the better. I support her no matter what.

So, in the cold light of day, I may not be going to Montreal, but then again, maybe I will anyway! Bonjour!

IN!

Thanks for the invite. Don't forget the catholic schoolgirl outfit and Skeeter's banana hammock. Wow - you 'mericans - so friendly.

IN!

But on one condition.

I get to wear the Catholic schoolgirl outfit this time.

Ok, once again I will take a contraian view on things and say that your girlfriend is chickensh1t for wanting to step out on this supposed boyfriend and go on the sly and see this new guy. If she is going to see other people she needs to just end things properly. To not do so and keep the old boyfriend as a safety net speaks volumes about her character.

And don't get me started on the whole live-in for eleven years, pretend that we are married for all practical purposes but we just don't need a marriage license thing-- that shows me all that I need to know about these two.

Am I judgemental about her? Yep. But I take relationships seriously-- something she apparently does not.

Totem

Excellent topic for a V-Day thread....

hint,hint

Good point, Totem. I will actually say that to her when I see her on Friday, in a softer gentler way, of course. I think you are right. There comes a time when you have to stop looking for the BBD, in all aspects of your life, and simply nurtur what you have. I know this is true, and yet the "possibility" is what always gets me. I wonder about happiness; how do you gauge it in a life so finite? I mean, you get one shot at life and shouldn't you do all you can to experience true happiness while you have the chance? I'm forever wondering if things just couldn't be a little bit better with that other guy, or in that new city or job etc etc etc. This is a trait I recognize in myself and I just wonder how many others feel the same way. I guess I believe in fate that much. Don't you ever wonder if you're life could be different if you had met someone else? Could you be happier? Do we all need to just re-focus our energy?

Totem,

For someone so damn smart, and you do strike me as very intelligent despite your flaming bullsh*t, you are so incredibly jaded.

There ARE soul mates for people. Just because someone is in love with someone else doesn't make them their soul mate. Just as the fact that someone has great sex, or a tight friendship, or is addicted to, or comforted by someone else, doesn't mean they're in love.

By not believing in them, people set themselves up to never find them. Period. Self-fulfilling prophecies and all that crap.

It may be romantic, but it's certainly not crap. It's a shame you don't know the difference.

My sincere condolences.

*Edited * Poor grammar and what not.

Edited, Wed Feb 4 04:40:37 2004 by Dalliance

I'll say that I've been through several relationships and there was always this assumption of the "other," you know, he and I, he or I. When I started to date Skeet it was an almost instantaneous "us." We've talked about it and agree that we recognize each other's faults but they don't make the other person seem in any way truly flawed. I don't have this storybook passion (which isn't to say I don't jump him every now and then , you haters, Skeet is H-O-T-T), but it's this amazing warmth and closeness that we don't work at, and a lot of communication which we do work on. I love him like I do my family (not filial), but that imperfect, permanent love you have for people that you can eventually forgive for all the petty things, and I think that's what made the whole concept of marriage okay for me. There is nothing he can do to make me not love him, and I know he feels the same, although at times I'm sure he'll tick me off, as I will him. I don't know if that makes us soulmates, but it is different than what I was taught from movies and TV (My parents marriage was no example).
I hate to agree with Totem, but there is nothing truer than his statement about the time you invest in the other person being returned to you through the strength of your bond.