I dedicate this story to Peewee and Xaeon who are two messed up mofos but hilarious in their own rights. I'll say on Peewee's behalf/defense that all events are fictional and only produced from my own sick sense of humor and twisted storytelling. Please enjoy this story and let me know what you think be it good or bad. =)
Requested by: Phyree
Subject(s): Xaeon & Peewee
Genre: Buddy Comedy
"Great," Xaeon grumbled, "It's snowing again."
In an overly sarcastic tone Peewee responded, "Woah, is THAT what this is? What in Promathia's Realm is snow doing here in the Northlands?!"
For his quip, the elvaan paladin flicked the top of the tarutaru thief's head. "Ow, that smarts!"
"Figured you could use some, short stack."
Before Peewee could respond, a gust battered the unlikey duo. In the harsh wind an ice elemental blew past them out of control.
"Um..." Both partners wanted to comment but felt it best to just let it ride.
"Tell me again, Peewee, why we are trudging through the miles of snow to an Altana-foresaken and quite potentially haunted place like Fei'Yin? Peewee? Peewee?"
The paladin turned his head to scan for his puny pal. About twenty feet behind him he saw a popstar shoot up from the snow, a festive distress signal. The little tarutaru had fallen into a deep bank of powder and was in over his head. Xaeon pulled him up and derided the thief for not being more careful. As luck would have it, his own next step yielded him a similar fate. Peewee shook with laughter.
"I should have listened to mother. I should have been a black mage. But nooooo, I just HAD to be a paladin." While quite muffled by the snow and blown away by the wind, the contents of the hole heaved an audible, dejected sigh.
The entrance to the forgotten crag was now occupied by what appeared to be a two-headed monster. In all actuality Xaeon had taken it upon himself to subdue Peewee and stuff him under his breast plate for warmth and "his own good". He had to adjust the buckles to make room and as the gaunt elvaan teetered along, he wondered if this is what it was like to be a galka.
"As long as that big head of yours stays out cold, I'll remain warm," the knight chuckled. He stepped further inside the crumbling cermet structure to escape the elements.
Inside the first main room, Xaeon saw some bats flitting around. From past experiences he'd rather not discuss among respectible members of the community, Xaeon had had prior unfortunate run-ins with these small vermin that ended very poorly for the steward of the Kingdom of San d'Oria.
He knew the creatures had poor vision and relied heavily on sound. So, ever so slowly, he started sneaking through the room. The knocked-out Peewee's head was facing his own and halfway into the room he saw a rope of drool begin a painfully slow drip toward the base of Xaeon's neck. He squirmed but knew that his life may be on the line should he make noise. At least he was warm, or so the distracting and silent mantra went as drool made contact.
The knight in white shining armor could be seen akwardly tip-toeing through the halls of this once-great building. The tarutaru began a snore, rolling his head back like a rag doll. Xaeon panicked and put a hand over Peewee's face. Unable to breathe, Peewee squirmed and was now awake. Two large eyes in an even larger head fluttered open.
* * * * *
An Adventurer's Math Lesson
Tarutaru + blow to the head + waking up not more than three inches away from someone else's face + looking down and seeing yourself stuffed inside said face's owner's armor like a warming pack = (questioning look*3 seconds)^scream of horric dread
* * * * *
The valley where Fei'Yin rested had since settled down and was environmentally quiet. Pristine fresh snow covered the land. It was remarkably beautiful and worthy of a famous landscape artist to immortalize...only a minute later to have a shrieking paladin with a shrieking thief tucked neatly inside his breastplate. All was quiet as the duo ran away from the bone-like tower. About another minute later poured a black cloud of bats chasing after them.
The bats scattered after leaving their home and Xaeon leaned forward to catch his breath. As he did, Peewee wriggled out and was seemingly birthed into a snow patch. He stood up and began brushing himself off. Xaeon opened his mouth to say something apologetic but Peewee just held out a small hand and shook his head.
"No. Just. No. I don't want to know. Ever. I just want to forget you ever did that with me an-" as he began walking he fell into another deep bank of snow. His green thief's beret lay as a marker.
Fished out again, Peewee begrudgingly led the way back to Fei'Yin.
"Ya so as I was telling you, this priest will totally give me a magical scroll if I find some dumb book here. How hard can it be?"
"Peewee," started Xaeon, "I trust you as a friend and tolerate you as a thief. But to believe that anything in this world is ever easy. No thanks."
"Xaeon, it was one of those dumb elvaan that..." he stopped as he saw two elvaan eyes violently urging him to watch what he says next carefully, "What I meant was one of those dumb Altana followers..."
Peewee stopped again as Xaeon uncrossed his arms, revealing the symbols of Altana's faith and healing on his white armor. He blushed and tried to save face with the offended paladin.
"...Just trust me. In and out. I have the treasure map and all. Easy money."
* * * * *
Two hours later...
* * * * *
Growing voices of concern came down the enterance hallway. Screaming for the second time into the valley was a tall elvaan and a short tarutaru. The thief clutched a book the size of his chest and was running like a mad tiger. The paladin was clutching his sword as he ran as hard as he could away from the place, clanking in his plate armor.
At the enterance to Fei'Yin several Dark Stalkers stood. They slung their blades on their shoulders and shrugged. "They'll be back," one said.
The other replied, "How do you know?"
One of the undead held a Garuda's Dagger dangling in his black fingers. Both laughed.
"He dropped it on the way out." They laughed again and the second Dark Stalker put his arm around the other as they turned to walk back in.
"Don't touch me," said the one.
* * * * *
Back in San d'Oria...
* * * * *
"...and here's the book, I'll just be taking that scroll now."
The priest handed a magical scroll to Peewee and he bowed in kind.
"Ok Xaeon, let's take this thing to the Auction House and make our fortune!" As he pulled up to the counter he took the opportunity to put up other items for sale too. "Lessee here...dark crystals, ether, giant sheep meat, ice cluster...hey wait. Where'd my Garuda Dagger go?"
"I dunno, I thought you brought it with you. Don't tell me you dropped your dagger in Fei'Yin!"
Peewee sheepishly offered, "Hey Xaeon, uhhh, you wanna go back? You could get a book there too I bet. Easy money!"
The last thing the thief saw before the blackness of unconsciousness was a flash of white armor.