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#102 Nov 07 2016 at 10:22 PM Rating: Good
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gbaji wrote:
Kuwoobie wrote:
I write about it here because it is a relief for me. I feel a lot less like clawing my eyes out after writing gbaji-worthy walls of text.


Which is ironic, given how most people feel after reading my posts. Smiley: tongue
"Why I Drink"; written and edited by Bijou.Smiley: grin


Edited, Nov 7th 2016 9:22pm by Bijou
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#103 Nov 08 2016 at 1:43 PM Rating: Good
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Excellent advice here since my last post.
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#104 Nov 08 2016 at 5:45 PM Rating: Good
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I don't really want to say anything about this. I half expect someone is reading all of this and saying things to people they shouldn't be, or maybe I'm wrong. I just don't know. My friend randomly messaged me yesterday evening over Battle.net after two weeks of no contact since blocking me on Facebook. It was the first time I had seen her online on my friends list in nearly a month. She wanted to know if I have tried the new voice chat function that was recently built into Battle.net. I said no. She said she wanted to try it out and called me, but I kept my microphone and volume muted at first because of the excessive noise from the TV and dish washer and for the fact that I did not have any kind of privacy at the time.

She invited a few other random people to the call and we all talked about goings on in WoW, etc. At first I thought maybe she forgot who I was, but after about twenty minutes of being in the call she sent me a message in game bringing up what had happened, saying that she "didn't mind chatting online as long as it was not in person" then asked if I could respect that. I said "yes." I took a risk and asked her why she was talking to me at all. She did not want to explain, and threatened to "go back to not talking to me" then went on to tell me that we were not friends, only acquaintances, and that I was not to talk about my personal life. She ended the conversation by saying she wanted to make it clear that nothing would ever happen between us and that she had no such feelings, but she would forgive me for that, and said nothing else after that. All this was going on while we were still in voice chat with some random other person I had never met, after which the call ended, and I have not heard anything from her since.

I had just started to feel like it didn't matter anymore-- l like I could just forget about her and everything that happened. What Joph said earlier that day was beginning to sink in, and I was actually thinking things would go back to normal. I don't feel at all like I have been for the past few weeks. I certainly don't feel like killing myself or anything close to that. I am very confused though. I don't understand why this person just went out of her way to contact me after we both kind of agreed we would not talk to each other anymore. I feel like she was making a gesture of kindness, but also came off as a bit hostile. I don't know what to make of it. I'm fighting the urge to just post screenshots of the exact conversation but I feel like that might somehow violate her privacy in some way-- as if talking about it all here is any better. I don't know.
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#105 Nov 09 2016 at 1:04 PM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
I can play Wonderwall on my guitar.
The instrument is to give you something to do to distract yourself from thinking of other things, but at the very least modernize your annoying song portfolio.
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#106 Nov 09 2016 at 5:07 PM Rating: Excellent
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Stop talking to her. There is no value in maintaining communication with someone you're pining over while she's disinterested. All you're going to do is give her some reason to say "Nope, we're done again!" and then you feel like shit. It's not fine, you're not going to make it work even as a friendship and you're not in a stable place to be playing Advanced Level Emotions games where you think you're going to keep up some emotional barrier and "just be friends" with someone you're romantically attracted to. You can barely make it through the tutorial.

Cut her out, feel like shit about it now and then get on with life.
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Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#107 Nov 10 2016 at 12:25 PM Rating: Good
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I kind of doubt there will be any further contact either way. I'm thinking maybe I disappointed her by keeping my answers short and not saying anything interesting in response to her coming out to flog me over the head with all of the same things she's told me before weeks ago. I can't for the life of me figure out what might be going on inside her head-- but that was one of the things I really liked about her. It is sort of an element of mystery.

I'm not terribly worried about it. Right now I am sitting here attempting to entertain myself the same way I always have-- trying to keep busy in some computer game or watching Youtube, but it feels like a tremendous waste of time, or like I am being held back in some way. I start my first class on the 21st-- some prerequisite class. "Introduction to Computers" as if I don't know how to use a ******* computer. It's kind of shitty because I remember taking all of these kinds of classes ("Communications", intermediate algebra) as prerequisites the last time I attempted a degree 11 years ago but they didn't transfer over for some reason. Until then it is like sitting in a waiting area... only for days and weeks. I am thinking about going outside and digging a really big hole or two in the ground with a shovel, which might be a problem given I live in an apartment complex.
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Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#108 Nov 10 2016 at 11:01 PM Rating: Good
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All the advice in this thread is absolutely useless apart from the bits of Jophiel's post where he's talking about laying off this woman.

But what do you expect anyone else to do about it?

Who said he did? Dude was just whining. Surprise surprise you can't knock someone out of depression by repeating a bunch of trite **** at them, don't get wound up about it.
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#109 Nov 11 2016 at 8:04 PM Rating: Good
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Nothing has changed. What happened with whatever weeks ago doesn't even matter. It is not about depression. It's about circumstances that can never change. There is no amount of effort or motivation on my part that can change the world or how everything works. I am not just going to transform from being this repulsive and undesirable thing-- which just isn't ideal for someone who hates being alone all the time.

I have only ever met one example of a person who was not at least completely indifferent towards me, but because of her age it was not appropriate for us to talk to each other (I made a whole other thread about that back in July of 2015). --and it took her a year and a half of her being pressured and made fun of by her peers to realize that. We used to talk about how we'd both be really old one day, despite our age difference, and we would go eat at Cracker Barrel because that's apparently what old people do. I think about how by the time she is my age (30) I will be 47, and our age difference will hardly matter then. She occasionally resurfaces to talk to me for an hour or so then says her "final goodbyes" again before blocking me. This has happened about four times now, the last time being on October 18th. Doesn't seem that long ago now that I think about it. I suppose it could be any day now that she changes her mind again. Or not. I have that to look forward to maybe.
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#110 Nov 22 2016 at 1:00 PM Rating: Good
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I am the only male student in this whole place save for maybe one or two other guys I have seen in the halls on occasion.

I have been thinking about what being "relevant" is. I'm thinking about all the times I've talked to people and how, aside from boring them to death, I managed to catch their interest. Most recently, as in a month or two ago, with my "acquaintance" it was the Minecraft server I once operated. After I had revealed that I was making between $75 and $250 per day* doing that I suddenly became a very interesting person to talk to-- up until I mentioned I no longer ran the server, and creating a new one that was worth a **** would take at least a year or two of dedicated work and development to get going. I knew exactly what was needed to make a new server that could compete with today's immensely saturated market, and I spent the next several weeks working on a prototype and sharing my progress-- but it was no longer an interesting idea enough to maintain that person's attention given the circumstances that it could not produce money right that instant.

I have been thinking about the main reason I tend to fail at life so much: I have nothing to offer anyone that isn't readily available from at least several thousands of other random people in the immediate area. There is nothing special or unique about anything I can possibly say or do. Ultimately the only thing that sets one person apart from another, particularly (if not especially) in men, is how much money they have access to.

I have not been able to see this clearly from my perspective. Money and material wealth have never been something that I've cared about. --but I can't have what I *do* care about without it. I am not relevant to the interests of other humans without the potential to reward them with resources and shiny things for their trust and companionship. I think about this, and I realize that people are really a lot more like animals than I ever realized. They are mindless, predictable NPCs. My problem is in treating them as though they are anything else.



Edited, Nov 22nd 2016 10:08pm by Kuwoobie
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Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#111 Nov 22 2016 at 2:52 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
Ultimately the only thing that sets one person apart from another, particularly (if not especially) in men, is how much money they have access to.

That's not remotely true.
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#112 Nov 22 2016 at 3:00 PM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
Kuwoobie wrote:
Ultimately the only thing that sets one person apart from another, particularly (if not especially) in men, is how much money they have access to.

That's not remotely true.

Money lacking, size of ***** may be an acceptable replacement.
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#113 Nov 22 2016 at 9:37 PM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
Kuwoobie wrote:
Ultimately the only thing that sets one person apart from another, particularly (if not especially) in men, is how much money they have access to.

That's not remotely true.


Maybe not for you, personally. --but for the average person. The Wal-mart shoppers. The mass produced carbon copies who skated through their compulsory educations and set out to fulfill their pre-programmed ancestral needs and desires with little consciousness towards anything else. People are animals who (mostly)unconsciously follow whatever path will make it the most easy for them to fulfill their need to survive. It is not unlike my earlier comment about us being soulless meat robots following our evolved brain chemistry reward system.

I always know exactly how people will respond to things I say to them. I anticipate it and I am never surprised. My problem is I keep hoping and expecting someone to do something different-- to deviate from their script. It doesn't have to be something I want to happen. It just has to be something god damned different.

I think more than anything I am constantly disappointed. I always anticipate a best and worse case scenario for every little thing. --and every time, without fail, what actually happens is something right down the middle. Something neutral.

Going to school as an adult has proved to be no different at all than it was when I was growing up. I always feel like people want me to leave, to get out of their sight, to find a hole to go die in. --but that is not the truth. In reality, I am neutral. Whether I am there or not makes zero difference to anyone. I don't know how, but somehow that is actually a lot worse. "I never said I hated you" said the self-proclaimed acquaintance a week ago over Battle.net. "Of course not" I think today. The only person who hates me, is me. For everyone else, I am just inconsequential. I don't exist. Easily forgotten about. I think that maybe this is the motivation behind some people who have done a lot of really terrible things.

My wife and kids don't actually hate me. I'm just like our pet budgie. He lives in his cage in the corner of the living room and keeps to himself. I feed him and change his water and paper. I let him out so he can fly around and stretch his wings. This annoys them-- because he flies around and gets in everyone's face. My son is terrified of him and will run away screaming, which the bird loves and thinks is a game as he follows him around trying to land in his hair. So I say to them, "I should just let him fly outside and let him go" to which they protest. My stepdaughter cries because it is technically her bird. A captive parakeet would almost certainly never survive on its own in the wild. It would be as good as if I stuffed him down the garbage disposal system in the sink. They don't want him to go, but they also don't care enough to mind him any attention. I am the same as him, except he is perfectly content staying in his cage playing with his colorful bells, whereas I am not.

I am starting to get back into meditation and that sort of thing. I have learned that I can actually brick my mind in such a way that I can enable myself to see things that aren't actually there as clearly and vividly as if they were. --things and entities, even people of my own design and nature. I could create my own company without ever leaving my room, or experience dreams while being fully awake and aware. It will take a great deal of work to get to that point, however. I have been keeping a very meticulous dream journal, and practice breathing exercises that have yielded a lot of interesting results. The hardest part is learning how to focus on a single point without being distracted by noises or sudden discomforts or outside thoughts.

TirithRR wrote:

Money lacking, size of ***** may be an acceptable replacement.


I'll never understand why people say things like this. Having a oversized **** has never been of any kind of benefit for me, and has actually served to do nothing but cause discomfort and distance for all of the two people I have ever been intimate with.
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Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#114 Nov 23 2016 at 11:00 AM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
Having a oversized **** has never been of any kind of benefit for me, and has actually served to do nothing but cause discomfort and distance for all of the two people I have ever been intimate with.

Distance? That's some dong!

If I knew someone who just moped about how he had nothing to offer the world then I'd probably not want to spent time with them either unless there was some concrete benefit involved. But that's not because I only view people in terms of what financial benefit I can get from them, but because it's actively unpleasant to hang out with people who have that mindset.
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Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#115 Nov 23 2016 at 6:48 PM Rating: Good
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How would you even know that they carried that mindset unless they told you?

You are using yourself as an example again. The typical warm-blooded Earth monkey is not a Joph.

Quote:
But that's not because I only view people in terms of what financial benefit I can get from them


Quote:
unless there was some concrete benefit involved.


Ok. So just exchange money for something else-- whatever that might be. For most people that concrete benefit is going to be financial. That is what I have found at least. It is the common denominator with literally everyone person I interact with. The first thing anyone wants to know is where I work and what kind of job I have so they can gauge roughly how much I'm worth. My answer has always been disappointing to them-- be it "Walmart" or "I'm a stay at home dad." When I give this answer I can see them react. They don't have to say anything.

Unless I really ***** up, I plan to be financially independent for the first time within the next two to four years. Maybe things will be different then. Or maybe it's already too late. It feels too late. I should have been doing this right out of high school, but I thought I could make a modest living working ******** jobs. I bought into the fantasy of the mythical social ladder and that I could "work my way up" to a better life that way. In fact, I was doing it right out of high school. I just chose the wrong school back then. I managed to get part of an "Associates" degree before I could no longer afford to progress. I did not have my wife as an example to follow.

I spent the entirety of my life allowing myself to be exploited for cheap labor, then going home and playing MMORPGs and being oblivious to reality for more than a decade. Before that was no different. I never left my room. I never talked to anyone at school. I have spent 30 years doing nothing at all. I got married to someone for no reason other than because it is better than being alone, except now it isn't. Now it is exactly that. Now I have this ring on my finger that advertises to everyone that I am "taken" and it is now inappropriate and potentially a risk for unneeded drama to even speak to me.

I read once how we are not the same person we were five years prior-- that we are technically the shell of that person, as all of the cells that made up who we were then are now gone and replaced. I have been married for 7 years already... my wife says I have changed, and I'm not the same person anymore. I feel like I am just now waking up in someone else's life, so perhaps she is right. I am just inheriting all of that person's problems and experiences.

I don't want to get divorced. I do love my wife. She doesn't want to divorce, either, she has said. I don't think there is any avoiding that, though. I can't continue to live like this anymore, especially not after I am working and can afford to live on my own. Realistically that is the right step to take, but I fear doing so will only cement my fate, and I will be truly alone then. I will have my own place to contend with the silence in. I will have the resources to afford a gun, which will hang over my head like some shiny red self-destruct button I could push at any moment. All it would take was one mistake. One disappointment. One person to tell me it was all for nothing and that I still wasn't worth theirs or anyone else's time.
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Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#116 Nov 23 2016 at 8:44 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
How would you even know that they carried that mindset unless they told you?

You are using yourself as an example again. The typical warm-blooded Earth monkey is not a Joph.

Sure. I'm a person. I talk to other people. I interact. I mean, it's awesome that someone believes that I'm somehow elevated above the human condition but I'm pretty much just some dude gettin' by in the world.
Quote:
Ok. So just exchange money for something else-- whatever that might be.

If you think you've struck wisdom by figuring out that people look for something out of others, I have bad news: you're way behind the mark there. Of course they do. But it's usually the act of finding them entertaining or interesting or somehow engaging or they can learn something or whatever.

Go take your classes and get a job. Best of luck. And certainly just about any given situation is better +money than -money so you'll find some value to it but it's not going to solve your problems by itself if you assume that's all you have to offer or all anyone wants.

Edited, Nov 23rd 2016 9:08pm by Jophiel
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Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#117 Nov 24 2016 at 2:31 AM Rating: Excellent
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I realize that people are really a lot more like animals than I ever realized. They are mindless, predictable NPCs. My problem is in treating them as though they are anything else.


I like where this is headed.
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#118 Nov 24 2016 at 7:00 AM Rating: Good
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It's 4:30am, and I don't know what to do with myself. I keep thinking about the future. Years from now even. There is not something that can be done right now, or even soon. It's just time spent waiting. Pacing back and forth.

My first instinct is maybe to send someone a message, but there is no one there. Not anymore. I can't simply go to sleep and expect things to be different when I wake up. There is nothing to look forward to anymore. It is so much frustration like I never imagined would be possible. I need to break something. I keep thinking about what a relief it would be if I could just go to my old job and just smash the place up with a baseball bat. Or myself. If I could somehow take control over another person and smash my head in Walking Dead style.

I try to imagine how it came to this. It wasn't always this bad. What timeline of events has led up to this moment? I think to trace back to about 2012.

We were moving back to Florida from Texas. I have never lived at the same address for more than two years. Never. Often times no more than one year. We were staying with my wife's ex-husband in his tiny one-bedroom apartment. I had to go through his room just to get to the bathroom, unless it was late at night and I would **** in the kitchen sink. We slept on a mattress on the floor and it was humiliating because it seemed like every day there was someone there from the cable company or to deliver something to him who had to come into the apartment and step over us. My son was born while we were living here. I was under a lot of pressure to find a job. Any job-- which means applying everywhere and getting a call from no one but Walmart. So I was working for them again, and we lived in that tiny apartment until we were discovered by management and forced to move out. We found another apartment nearby to move into nearby. Myself, my newborn son, my stepdaughter, my wife and her ex husband. This time there were enough bedrooms and bathrooms to where we could live a little better. It was around this time that I began to feel a lot like I do now. My wife was always at school, and later at work. The rest of the time she spends sleeping. It began to feel like being single again. It was here that I began development of my first Minecraft server. It was crude and basic, but that was all that was needed back then. I remember a time when more than 50 people would be online at any given time. I remember Ikkian played on there for a while. Between work and the server, there was never any down time. I spent a lot of time working on the server and helping players with their problems, usually server related, but sometimes not. It felt very fulfilling, and it was exactly what I had planned and hoped for. I became friends with a lot of long-time players. Because I was the server owner, I was the guy everyone wanted to talk to. Everyone wanted special perks and privileges on the server and forum, and I was the boss who decided it all. Players that I trusted would become chat moderators, or given access to special commands that enabled them to help out with the server. We all communicated in real time over Skype. This way, if ever there was a problem on the server, it could be addressed immediately by whoever was available. It was by this way that I met Red, who I once wrote about extensively in a separate thread. Red first called me on Skype needing assistance with a server related issue, which was strange. People don't usually call for any reason. Most everything was handled via text. After that, Red would call again and again, every day, just to talk. She said my voice sounded like her favorite anime character, Sebastian from Black Butler, so she always wanted to call. I was happy to entertain her. She kept me company during the many hours I would have otherwise spent alone in silence. I became the father figure in her life where there wasn't one to speak of. She would come crying to me whenever there was a problem, and I would make it better for her by just being there to listen and to talk to. We would while away entire days playing Terraria and WoW together over Skype. This went on almost every single day for more than a year. Despite our distance, I had never felt so close with anyone, ever. --and just as I began to think our bond could not be any stronger, it grew in ways that exceeded the limits of my imagination. With just little every day things. Like how she would teach me how to braid my hair over cam on Skype, or when she would leave me letters in my mailbox in WoW to tell me things she could never say to me while we were both online-- like how happy I had made her, and how important I was in her life. It was this kind of sentiment which later became an all the time kind of thing, where we would sit together in our favorite place in Mt. Hyjal by the water and talk for hours in game the kinds of things we could say over call without feeling awkward about it, even though we were still *in* a call. For me, it was like water for a person who had been chronically dying of thirst. Or we would duel each other. I taught her everything I knew about being a combat rogue until we were evenly matched in every way in both skill and gear. I was so, so proud of her. Just writing about all of this now makes me so happy. It makes me forget about how wretched I was just a few minutes ago.

Just look at how much of this giant wall of text is all about Red-- as if nothing at all else happened in those four years, or ever.

Of course, that all came to an end. I will never fully understand exactly why. I have been left only to speculate with only vague answers from her to go on. She has said to me that it is just as painful for her to not be with her best friend, but I find that hard to believe, given it is only on her part that this has happened. I felt abandoned, but not completely. She unblocks me on Skype occasionally to poke me with conversation ranging from casual to sappy and emotional before going away again. My guess is she has real friends now, and no longer has need of me. The time between present and the last time we talked gets longer and longer, and I fear she will forget about me completely.

Around the time this first happened, Pokemon Go was just about to come out. Instead of feeling completely lost, I knew how hugely popular it would be. I knew I could ride it like a huge wave. It would become my vehicle for meeting new people-- people who were roughly my age. People who lived near me-- and it was. I thought perhaps I could fill the collective void Red and others before her had left with someone new. I personally organized a massive group of local people on Facebook under the banner of Team Valor, and arranged numerous large-scale events involving Pokemon Go related events. Lure parties, gym raiding, etc. One day, I was at the mall with my wife, her ex husband, their daughter and my son. On our way out the door, I recognized one of my Valors from the Facebook page-- somehow who called herself "Acid Wolf" and had a big picture of Arcade Miss Fortune as her profile pic, but I wasn't completely sure it was her. So when I got home I made a post on the Valor page simply saying that I thought I saw said person at the mall just a few moments ago, and she responded and sent both me and my wife friend requests. A few days later she posted a link to her live stream starting a new character in WoW, and I commented asking what realm she was on, so she invited me to play with her. I was beginning to like this person more and more. After struggling with issues with cross-realm compatibility we decided to just play League of Legends over Team Speak instead. It was a lot of fun having someone to play with, and more so someone to talk to again. It felt reassuring to me that she would frequently send me messages on Facebook without my initiating any kind of conversation. Like one time she sent me a picture of something she had colored randomly, so suddenly I became interested in drawing just so I'd have something to talk to her about. She even introduced me to the local comic book store she hanged out at and invited me to go there. I thought, "at last. I can finally be included in something." I did not get to actually go there until many weeks later, due to stiff opposition from my wife, who insisted that my friend was "weird" and that there was nothing I could do at the comic store I could not also do at home-- that it would be a waste of gas, etc. One Friday, I decided I was determined I would go to the comic store, and nothing would stop me. I scrounged up quarters so I could take the bus, as suggested by my friend, and set out that afternoon. I spent at least two hours walking around trying to find the right bus stop, but managed to make it to the comic store at around 5:30pm. I was unsure what to do when I got there. I knew no one, so I sat down and played on my phone for a while. I was starting to feel foolish for going there. I had really gone hoping to see my friend, but it was starting to look like it wasn't going to happen. Just as I was about to leave, my friend showed up. I was not actually expecting her to. She came around the corner and greeted me as if she knew exactly where I would be somehow. I was shocked. She was so friendly, and over the course of the evening I got to learn how extremely charming she was. She picked out a deck of cards from the counter and led me to a table where together we played a game called Fluxx for about an hour until a few of her friends arrived and we all played Nightmare Before Christmas-themed Munchkins. I was having such a wonderful time. It was like a dream. I remember thinking that it never could have happened if I were not so resolute in going that day. I made a grievous error in telling my wife where I was going to be, however. She left her work early that evening and ruined everything with her jealousy. I then made things so much worse by becoming overly emotional with my sentiment towards my friend and by basically telling her I was in love with her. The rest is history.

While Red and "Acid Wolf" could not be more different from each other, I have realized something they have in common-- in that I am not completely 100% removed from their lives. They have both contacted me without provocation after they had both told me that I should leave them alone and that they did not want to talk to me anymore. I have been essentially put aside, or into storage-- for if and when the day should come where I might be needed again. In some event where maybe everyone else on Earth died of the plague, for instance, I might have some value as a person-- which is ultimately what it all boils down to. There will always be someone else people would rather be talking to, barring plague or fiery plane crash or meteor strike.

That took 3 and a half hours to write.

Edited, Nov 24th 2016 4:02pm by Kuwoobie
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Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#119 Nov 24 2016 at 7:05 PM Rating: Excellent
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Well, looks like you successfully educated them on why they can't be friends with guys.
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#120 Nov 24 2016 at 7:39 PM Rating: Good
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Timelordwho wrote:
Well, looks like you successfully educated them on why they can't be friends with guys.


This is the best Thanksgiving ever. Such a beautiful day. Everything is wonderful. I can't wait for the next moment to happen. I'm going to stand up now. Wasn't that neat? I'm going to go for a walk I think.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#121 Nov 25 2016 at 9:27 AM Rating: Good
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Can everyone stop editing their posts every five ******* seconds JESUS

Edited, Nov 25th 2016 10:36am by Kavekkk
#122 Nov 25 2016 at 9:27 AM Rating: Good
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Yes. Stage is set with 14 year old me becoming fast and eventually best friends with "Guy In Real Life" on a minecraft server. Fast forward half a decade and I've got her (woah, she was really a GIRL?) handing me a leash and bending over at whim. And I do mean at whim. As long as she's allotted some time each day to work on a few hobbies, she's completely content with being treated like human property. Gets hornier than a ***** in heat at the idea of sucking **** under the desk while I'm preoccupied with something, or being collared and made to feel helpless and vulnerable. I was doubtful of the extent of her commitment to this life changing fetish when we were forced to live apart, but the time we've spent over the last year has erased any doubt in my mind. I, one of a sea of virgin-4-lifers, had been blessed with a very committed sub who wants nothing more in life than to draw and serve her man. It's better than I could've ever imagined for a guy like myself. I mean, ****, she claims to like **** more than vaginal, which leaves me with a lot of options.

Edited, Nov 25th 2016 10:33am by Timelordwho
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#123 Nov 25 2016 at 9:30 AM Rating: Excellent
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Timelordwho wrote:
Yes. Stage is set with 14 year old me becoming fast and eventually best friends with "Guy In Real Life" on a minecraft server. Fast forward half a decade and I've got her (woah, she was really a GIRL?) handing me a leash and bending over at whim. And I do mean at whim. As long as she's allotted some time each day to work on a few hobbies, she's completely content with being treated like human property. Gets hornier than a ***** in heat at the idea of sucking **** under the desk while I'm preoccupied with something, or being collared and made to feel helpless and vulnerable. I was doubtful of the extent of her commitment to this life changing fetish when we were forced to live apart, but the time we've spent over the last year has erased any doubt in my mind. I, one of a sea of virgin-4-lifers, had been blessed with a very committed sub who wants nothing more in life than to draw and serve her man. It's better than I could've ever imagined for a guy like myself. I mean, ****, she claims to like **** more than vaginal, which leaves me with a lot of options.


Is this Kuwoobie in another timestream?

Edited, Nov 25th 2016 10:35am by Kavekkk
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#124 Nov 25 2016 at 5:53 PM Rating: Good
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Timelordwho wrote:

Yes. Stage is set with 14 year old me becoming fast and eventually best friends with "Guy In Real Life" on a minecraft server. Fast forward half a decade and I've got her (woah, she was really a GIRL?) handing me a leash and bending over at whim. And I do mean at whim. As long as she's allotted some time each day to work on a few hobbies, she's completely content with being treated like human property. Gets hornier than a ***** in heat at the idea of sucking **** under the desk while I'm preoccupied with something, or being collared and made to feel helpless and vulnerable. I was doubtful of the extent of her commitment to this life changing fetish when we were forced to live apart, but the time we've spent over the last year has erased any doubt in my mind. I, one of a sea of virgin-4-lifers, had been blessed with a very committed sub who wants nothing more in life than to draw and serve her man. It's better than I could've ever imagined for a guy like myself. I mean, ****, she claims to like **** more than vaginal, which leaves me with a lot of options.
Is this erotica or humoUr?

I need to know for...um...research purposes.
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#125 Nov 25 2016 at 8:31 PM Rating: Good
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Kavekkk wrote:
Timelordwho wrote:
Yes. Stage is set with 14 year old me becoming fast and eventually best friends with "Guy In Real Life" on a minecraft server. Fast forward half a decade and I've got her (woah, she was really a GIRL?) handing me a leash and bending over at whim. And I do mean at whim. As long as she's allotted some time each day to work on a few hobbies, she's completely content with being treated like human property. Gets hornier than a ***** in heat at the idea of sucking **** under the desk while I'm preoccupied with something, or being collared and made to feel helpless and vulnerable. I was doubtful of the extent of her commitment to this life changing fetish when we were forced to live apart, but the time we've spent over the last year has erased any doubt in my mind. I, one of a sea of virgin-4-lifers, had been blessed with a very committed sub who wants nothing more in life than to draw and serve her man. It's better than I could've ever imagined for a guy like myself. I mean, ****, she claims to like **** more than vaginal, which leaves me with a lot of options.


Is this Kuwoobie in another timestream?

Edited, Nov 25th 2016 10:35am by Kavekkk


I don't know. I am definitely submissive just like that, though. I think that's the main thing that puts people off, however. I feel like I have a lot of qualities that would be attractive in a woman but completely the opposite for a guy.

I feel like that could have been my story if I were born many years later, or if she was born sooner. Nothing like that ever happened between me and Red because of our age difference. Now that I think about it, that is probably the biggest reason she no longer talks to me. She would insist that I did not treat her like a child-- that I should speak to her like I would anyone else, and I would not. She would always want to talk about ***, and I would tell her that it was completely off limits. It would make her furious. She said she wasn't afraid. I told her that SHE wasn't that one that needed to be. Despite what her friends would tell her, she was never the one who was in any danger. I was. I think that is what drove her away. I think that is why she still says it hurts her to not be able to talk to her best friend. She said that she was afraid of what she might do. I think I understand now what she means by that. We used to fight and argue a lot, and that was the number one issue. Under any other circumstances, that would have been the natural progression of our relationship, but I am just too much older. Waaaaay too much. I did not reciprocate those particular feelings, but I could have humored her at least. I could have done something. --but then things could have ended up so much worse. Much, much worse.

I think it was gbaji who said that would happen in the original thread about her. I said if it ever came to that, that I would cut contact with her. Block her, etc. Instead of doing that I simply ignored it. I was too happy with the way things were. There was no way I was going to cut her out of my life when she was the only thing that ever made me happy. Now I feel like I've really screwed up for being so prudish.

Now instead of a worse case scenario, I have a neutral one. Which is worse, though? I never dreamed in a million years that something like this could ever happen. Maybe things will be different in the future. She will be a woman, a legal one, someday. --but then, I'll always be that much older than her, no matter how much older she gets.

It makes sense now. I was the submissive one, and she called all the shots. She was my master, and I was happy to serve her. I was her "butler." But I could not give her whatever she wanted. I told her "no."

Edited, Nov 26th 2016 5:35am by Kuwoobie
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#126 Nov 26 2016 at 2:28 PM Rating: Good
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I keep looking at the drawing I made of Red a few months ago. It's funny how writing about a different person on this thread can so drastically change how I feel throughout the day. It's like all the frustration and self-loathing has been replaced by something else. I don't think I quite have the right word for it, but it is when you really miss someone. That, and worry. Sometimes I wonder if she is even still alive. I think about all the terrible things that happen up there in hill-billy country... like that thing with the school bus that killed 6 kids, and accidental gun deaths. Her family has guns, and a lot of them. She personally owns an AR-15 and a handgun that she never showed me. --and knowing her, she is probably getting herself into all kinds of trouble with strangers on the internet, and she is frequently left at home by herself.

I keep thinking I should not worry about her. I should think of my own family. --but I don't seem to have any kind of connection with any of them. There is no need for me here. I have no role to play. When I think of Red, the words "kindred spirits" keep popping up, but that feels like an understatement. It was like we always knew what the other was thinking. She would always tell me that I was her guardian in another life-- her most trusted and loyal servant-- that we were fated to meet again. One of the last things I said to her was that I would wait for her, even if it meant waiting for the next life. Maybe then we could be born closer together, both in time and distance.

I really wish everyone here could have the chance to meet someone like that in their lives at some point. --just under different circumstances, not ones that invite scorn and ridicule.

I have been thinking about death a lot lately, especially since yesterday... I like to believe that it isn't entirely over at death. The idea of ceasing to exist is just as incomprehensible as anything else. I think it goes both ways. --like we become nothing, but everything at the same time. We are nowhere, and everywhere at once, and every-when. I hope that wherever Kastigir is, that he can now know the truth of all things. I didn't know him well, but I still cried for him.
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#127 Dec 06 2016 at 10:50 AM Rating: Good
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I keep thinking about all the things "Acid Wolf" said to me before, and again the last time she talked to me over Battle.net. I realize now that she wasn't talking to me at all, but reassuring herself. "I don't want to seem like a heartless bitch" she said, "but." She has assured herself that I am not a friend, only an acquaintance. Twice. By putting this label on me, I am effectively made disposable, as I have no weight or value as a person, so I can be thrown away and forgotten about.

All I am is;

Jophiel wrote:
95% the stereotype of the "Nice Guy" who thinks some girl owes him a romanticany kind of relationship in exchange for friendship and then throws a hissy fit when she declines.


--otherwise known as a 'fuck boy,' a term Red used frequently to describe her male peers and all men-- if that is any indication of what feminism is teaching younger generations. It is the identity of every person like me. I am to be put aside and isolated so that the rest of the world can enjoy their lives without fear of being inconvenienced.

So now I wonder what the difference is between a "fuck boy," a nuisance, a pest-- and someone who is otherwise socially acceptable, who is also male. How does that work, exactly?

I get the impression that I am supposed to keep to myself and pretend I don't care about anyone but myself and what I'm doing-- effectively isolating myself. That is the image of a socially acceptable male. One who doesn't try. It seems counterproductive, because whether you're the "nice guy/fuck boy" or "cool guy who doesn't give a shit," the bottom line is isolation. I feel as though I am on the cusp of figuring something out here, but not quite.

Why is it ok for some people to go out and socialize, but not me? Why do people get SO OFFENDED when I want to talk to them, and even more offended when I offer my company? Keep in mind that this is underlying reaction I get BEFORE I get the chance to say or do anything. --because anything I do that has a chance to make someone uncomfortable has already been anticipated long in advance. Because showing interest in someone in any way at all automatically makes me a stalker and an axe murderer or at the very least, a "fuck boy" and there is no way for me to prove otherwise, and no way that does not ultimately lead into the other party's self-fulfilling prophecy.

I think about all the screen captures people take of a 'nice guy' who immediately turns savage and violent in their reply the moment they are rejected, and how it is an example of why men can never be trusted. Then I realize, perhaps if said man did not feel perpetually isolated and stigmatized in this way, perhaps he would not have lashed out in such a way to begin with. I have never been an example of such a screen capture, and I'm not saying it is right of them to act that way, but I certainly know the frustration-- the feeling behind such outbursts.

So now here I am, sitting in this classroom full of women. Aside from the instructor, I am the only male. I go out of the room and into the halls and lounge area and it feels like high school all over again. There are tables crowded with people talking to each other and all I can think to do is find some place to hide where no one will be bothered by the sight of me. I keep my head down. I say nothing. The world turns and life goes on for everyone and I exist parallel to all of it like a ghost. Whether I am there or not, alive or dead, makes no difference to anyone.
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#128 Dec 06 2016 at 11:40 AM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
--otherwise known as a 'fuck boy,' a term Red used frequently to describe her male peers and all men-- if that is any indication of what feminism is teaching younger generations.

Or more likely an indication that she just isn't that nice of a person but I suppose blaming feminism is convenient as well.
Quote:
Why is it ok for some people to go out and socialize, but not me? Why do people get SO OFFENDED when I want to talk to them, and even more offended when I offer my company? Keep in mind that this is underlying reaction I get BEFORE I get the chance to say or do anything. --because anything I do that has a chance to make someone uncomfortable has already been anticipated long in advance. Because showing interest in someone in any way at all automatically makes me a stalker and an axe murderer or at the very least, a "fuck boy" and there is no way for me to prove otherwise, and no way that does not ultimately lead into the other party's self-fulfilling prophecy.

Why are you connecting "socializing" to "...with females"? Why not join a group of males for your socializing needs? Why not find a place to play Magic: TG without it being about breathing down some girl's neck and hoping she really likes you and then going on a rant about metrosexuals and nice guys and fuckboys when she doesn't really dig that? It's not wrong for you to socialize -- it is pretty creepy to have some dude "making an effort" towards you when (a) he's married and more importantly (b) you're just there to play cards or take photos or hike or whatever.

Your problem isn't that society is keeping you down, your problem is that you're a married man whose idea of socializing is to find and obsess over random women who just act friendly.
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#129 Dec 06 2016 at 2:16 PM Rating: Good
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Why are you connecting "socializing" to "...with females"?


I don't know. I mean, it doesn't necessarily have to be females. I just have never had any kind of interest in a guy before. I don't know why. Maybe I'm picky. Very rarely is there ever a person that stands from the crowd and makes me think "Oh wow. That person is awesome! I want to talk to them!" be they male or female, but so far they have all always been female. I think maybe there is some key underlying issue here that I don't really understand.

Quote:
Your problem isn't that society is keeping you down, your problem is that you're a married man whose idea of socializing is to find and obsess over random women who just act friendly.


It has always been this way, even since long before I was married. I never obsessed over the woman I married. She was not one of those people who I thought these kinds of things over, which is probably why it worked out. She does her own thing and I do mine. I feel like there are a lot of expectations surrounding marriage-- as if I should or should not do certain things because I'm married, because ______? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense almost to the point where I don't even know why you keep bringing it up.

I am trying so hard to understand all of this, I think, because ultimately I am trying to decide whether or not I want to live. It's not because of "the universe" or because of feminism or even what other people think. It's because right now I'm feeling really foolish for not pulling the trigger back in 2008 when I had the chance-- because everything I do feels pointless and stupid, and given the fact that everything I try to do to make my life feel worthwhile is obviously wrong. I feel like shit constantly because I am no particular use to anyone.

All of these solutions that seem obvious to everyone, like "why not hang out with a bunch of random guys to play MtG with" do not make sense to me. The idea of something like that is no more appealing than anything else I already do.
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#130 Dec 06 2016 at 2:47 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
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Why are you connecting "socializing" to "...with females"?
I don't know. I mean, it doesn't necessarily have to be females. I just have never had any kind of interest in a guy before. I don't know why. Maybe I'm picky. Very rarely is there ever a person that stands from the crowd and makes me think "Oh wow. That person is awesome! I want to talk to them!" be they male or female, but so far they have all always been female. I think maybe there is some key underlying issue here that I don't really understand.

Well, yeah. The goal to casual socializing isn't to find your super-awesome soul mate, it's just to have some fun with other people. That's why (since you said you had played) I said to go play some M:tG. You go out, you spend fifteen minutes with someone and don't even need to make real conversation beyond "I tap my Potato Elves" if you don't want to and then go play the next game with some other dude. It's not about thinking the other person is amazingly compelling, it's about going out and interacting with people.

Or, you know, don't. You always have some excuse.
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I feel like there are a lot of expectations surrounding marriage-- as if I should or should not do certain things because I'm married, because ______? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense almost to the point where I don't even know why you keep bringing it up.

They call that "society". I personally don't give a shit who you stick your dork in (or beg them for some dork-sticking) although your spouse seemingly does so you don't even get some "open marriage/polyamory" excuse. And, chances are, whatever poor girl you're making scrapbooks for probably cares as well. So when you start making moon-eyes at some filly and then act like there's some giant flaw in society when she skedaddles, understanding that society does in fact place expectations on marriage is a good first step.
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All of these solutions that seem obvious to everyone, like "why not hang out with a bunch of random guys to play MtG with" do not make sense to me.

Well, you're certainly doing well enough on your own to dismiss "obvious" suggestions out of hand just because they don't make sense to you.
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#131 Dec 06 2016 at 5:42 PM Rating: Good
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You go out, you spend fifteen minutes with someone and don't even need to make real conversation beyond "I tap my Potato Elves" if you don't want to and then go play the next game with some other dude. It's not about thinking the other person is amazingly compelling, it's about going out and interacting with people.

Or, you know, don't. You always have some excuse.


Is "I don't want to do that" not a good enough reason not to do something?

Quote:
They call that "society". I personally don't give a **** who you stick your dork in (or beg them for some dork-sticking) although your spouse seemingly does so you don't even get some "open marriage/polyamory" excuse.


We went from "casual socializing" to this now?

I know what it looks like, but it isn't that simple. I'm not going to pretend I never thought about it, but it's far from being a requirement. It's not about sex no matter how hard you try to force it to be. I mean I realize we're Americans and all that, and it's got to be a big fucking deal in every aspect of our lives because it's so taboo and all.
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#132 Dec 07 2016 at 7:53 AM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
Is "I don't want to do that" not a good enough reason not to do something?

It's a reason to not take any action to improve things. It's even a valid reason. It's not an especially good reason.

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We went from "casual socializing" to this now?

Casual socializing is playing a card game. What you keep describing is how you're trying to find someone who completes your soul.

Quote:
I'm not going to pretend I never thought about it, but it's far from being a requirement. It's not about sex no matter how hard you try to force it to be.

I'm sure it's purely by coincidence that you only seek friendship and validation from females and then go on a rant about feminism and women only wanting to socialize with perfect men when your affections aren't reciprocated. I was going to say "women" but then you were obsessing over an 11 year old girl before. Anyway, better expressed, marriage is about intimacy and trying to spread that intimacy around (whether physically or emotionally) is generally considered a non-starter by most people. If you choose to focus on "America is obsessed with sex and is trying to blame me for sex" rather than understanding why most chicks aren't into married dudes professing their deep emotional connections to them, that's... well, pretty par for the thread.

Edited, Dec 7th 2016 7:56am by Jophiel
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#133 Dec 07 2016 at 11:05 AM Rating: Good
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Casual socializing is playing a card game. What you keep describing is how you're trying to find someone who completes your soul.


Ok. That's not what you said before, but that is certainly more accurate. It has nothing to do with "dork sticking."

It's ok though. I figured it out yesterday.

As it turns out, I am allowed to socialize-- just not with anyone I choose, or anyone in particular I would actually want to socialize with. Now that I think about it, this is exactly what Erika/Acid Wolf was trying to tell me, kind of. She told me I can go to the comic store and play MtG and hang out with any of the random people there, just not with her or any of her friends. She had been hinting at that ever since the incident with my wife storming in and publicly humiliating me. --that I should "feel free" to hang out with other people there.

So, I don't know. That is the reality of things. It's like that game on the internet where you push the red button. You CAN go out and socialize, but only with people you really would rather not. I am not going to push that button. It is not an improvement over my current situation as much as you would like to believe. It is a cop out. It is my ****** sack of carrots that are for me when all I want is ******* Trix cereal.

I didn't know what you were talking about at first when you went on about some flaw in society, but I can definitely see it now. If I were not a.) married or b.) a man, then everything would be fine. Or would they? I have no way of knowing. Society's standards for things like marriage and gender, to me, are retarded. They exist because people are cowardly and closed minded, and I don't accept them. I could not even if I wanted to.

I would never be happy socializing with people who are like me, because I fucking can't stand me. I hate every aspect about myself, especially the ones I know can never change. It makes sense now. I can only be happy when someone I don't hate... I don't even know how to finish that sentence. It makes a lot of sense, though. The only person who has given me that is Red-- and that is only because she was so young and had not yet been indoctrinated with all the fear and negativity that every person is beaten over the head with out of the womb, until she was.

Society is not going to change, and I can't change how I feel about myself or other people. So that's it then. That's all folks. I don't even know why I'm writing this or doing anything. It's all a waste of time. I don't know what to do with myself. I am waste, and the world is a world of shit.
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#134 Dec 07 2016 at 11:26 AM Rating: Excellent
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Meh, no one has the right to socialize with whoever they choose. That you personally only choose to socialize with magic soul-women is on you, not society.
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#135 Dec 07 2016 at 11:44 AM Rating: Excellent
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I woke up today on a mattress of beautiful women.

Actually it was quite uncomfortable one of them kept elbowing me in the ribs and waking me up she wuld share with me these terrible jokes of hers and I said that's very funny Maria but I am trying to sleep she said yeah trying I said ***** what and she said don't take that tone with me well you imagine how things went we wrestled for hours until finally collapsing once more into a sweaty esconcsement of limbs and then I snuck off for a bit of a kip in the bath there was a mountain lion in there and I was mauled quite badly but it soon took fright and I slept off the worst of the bleeding.

Don't know why I felt the need to post that here I just felt it was right for the feng shui of the thread.
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#136 Dec 07 2016 at 2:22 PM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
Meh, no one has the right to socialize with whoever they choose. That you personally only choose to socialize with magic soul-women is on you, not society.


Either way, I can't just decide to start eating shit and like it. Being chronically unable to form meaningful relationships with other people is only one problem of many. The idea of having someone like that in my life was the one big redeeming quality that could have made everything else so small and insignificant by comparison. --and now I can safely conclude that it is not an option. I need to think of a real exit plan, even though (and especially while) I feel more or less content with everything. I can only keep myself distracted with the same old shit for so long before the loneliness and frustration and the nagging in my thoughts start to get to me. It's not nearly as intense when there are so many days between now and the last time I talked to anyone like that, but it's always there, and it has never been quite this bad or quite this consistent.

I was at the grocery store with my wife a while ago, and all I could think about was how crowded it was and how I didn't want to be there at all, or anywhere. I don't want to exist. I didn't ask for this. It's like being trapped. I need to turn it all off somehow. I need to become neutral and inanimate.
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#137 Dec 07 2016 at 3:19 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
Either way, I can't just decide to start eating shit and like it.

Nah, it's pretty much the opposite.

If you're not introduced to a type of food as a baby/toddler, you will usually be adverse to it if introduced later. However, after about 7-15 attempts, your tastes towards it often start to change. Which is part of why tastes change as an adult and people have the whole "I hated mushrooms as a kid, but now..." stories. Part of it is physiological but mainly it's just a matter of acclimation.

You're not deciding to eat shit and like it. Rather, you've been eating nothing but shit for decades and now you refuse to eat some vegetables because they don't taste like the shit you're used to. And you'd rather pout and refuse and continue to poison yourself than take yourself over the hump with a healthy choice because its temporarily unpleasant.

Edited, Dec 7th 2016 3:20pm by Jophiel
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#138 Dec 08 2016 at 1:28 PM Rating: Good
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I was at a Pizza - or bisa as we say here - place last night with this beautiful woman, just sharing food and, you know, getting really emotionally connected. All the feelings we shared, I mean, ****, I feel like I know her better than Timelord knows the back of my own hand. We talked for twelve hours, while the pizza place closed around us and e-opened we didn't even notice so deep was the emotional connection between us she changed my life like a koopa trooper might change Mario's were he to step carelessly and indeed without a care did we talk we ate bisa one day and ate it the next without moving our behinds made an indelible mark in that deli's seats I sweated like a stuck pig in july but it was worth it because well you know she jacked me off not my ***** I mean but my emotional ***** that is to say my emotions and feelings and things like that really scratched that itch you know I have never felt more appreciated and uh connected to someone else in my life I had some crippling emotional problems but she plastered right over them before I had no energy to fix them but now I think well I have the energy that I sucked from her like a vampire but well why bother fixing them now I am already complete you know she completes me like the seventh tile in scrabble falling onto a triple word score

Not ure why I posted this here but I felt that the dao or tao for you older people here demanded it of me well you know this post is a little derivative of the last one but frankly I feel the important message of the last one wasn't taken to heart I don't know what it was but it wasn't taken to heart I'd know if it was
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#139 Dec 08 2016 at 2:41 PM Rating: Good
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I think the moral of the story is never change and sometimes problems just solve themselves.
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#140 Dec 08 2016 at 3:00 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kave KKK makes some salient points.
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#141 Dec 08 2016 at 3:46 PM Rating: Good
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Did that pizza place happen to be Comet Ping Pong? Smiley: tinfoilhat
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#142 Dec 09 2016 at 7:26 PM Rating: Decent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
The idea of having someone like that in my life was the one big redeeming quality that could have made everything else so small and insignificant by comparison.


This is your problem, in a nutshell. To expand on what Joph said, you've been living in a pile of shit so long that you have come to identify yourself as "the guy who lives in a pile of shit". You wallow in it. You almost seem to take pride in just how shitty your life is while looking out at all the other people, not living in a pile of shit and enjoying themselves. The correct solution is to find a way out of that pile. Improve your own life, so it's not so shitty and then you'll actually enjoy it as well. But what you're doing instead is trying to latch onto other people, not to have them help pull you out, but to pull them in, so as to make your own personal shit pile a bit better.

You can't be shocked when people don't want to do that. Relationships are a two way street. You have to be able to give to someone else in equal amounts to what you get from them. You are spending far too much time trying to think about how other people can make you feel a bit better about yourself than in doing something to improve your own self, independent of others. And I get that this may seem like an easier fix. But it's not really going to work. You really do need to focus on how to get your own life going in the right direction first, and once you do you honestly wont feel the need to fill it up with other people as you seem to be doing. You'll be satisfied, maybe even happy, with your own self.

Ironically, once you do that is when others will start showing up in your life to join you. Because they're not being used to fill a void, but joining with someone else that adds value to their own life as well (whole is greater than the sum kind of thing). You kinda can't skip that first step though.
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#143 Dec 09 2016 at 8:59 PM Rating: Good
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You have to be able to give to someone else in equal amounts to what you get from them. You are spending far too much time trying to think about how other people can make you feel a bit better about yourself than in doing something to improve your own self, independent of others. And I get that this may seem like an easier fix. But it's not really going to work. You really do need to focus on how to get your own life going in the right direction first, and once you do you honestly wont feel the need to fill it up with other people as you seem to be doing. You'll be satisfied, maybe even happy, with your own self.

Ironically, once you do that is when others will start showing up in your life to join you. Because they're not being used to fill a void, but joining with someone else that adds value to their own life as well (whole is greater than the sum kind of thing). You kinda can't skip that first step though.


I actually think about that a lot, but it seems like a bit of a paradox. --that I need to somehow get myself into a state where I no longer have any need for anyone else, and only then will there be anyone available-- but by then it won't even matter because I have no need for them.

I kind of felt like I was already at that point, really. I was doing fine until I met someone I had such interest in, and everything just started slowly falling apart the more I became attached to that person. It's like a cycle. Nearly every place I have ever gone to school or worked at has had a person that had that kind of effect. This just happened to be the first one who ever invited me anywhere or ever expressed any interest in talking to me at all before deciding I was not up to her standards, which made it particularly devastating, because I thought maybe this one would be different.

The more time I spend not associated with said person, the less it seems to matter. As of today, I have more or less fallen back into my regular routine, only different-- because if I had never met Acid Wolf and none of that ever happened, I would never have felt the need to go back to school or pursue any kind job beyond being a male housewife for the rest of my life.

The way it's set up, I only take one class at a time in increments of 4 weeks. The next class begins January 9th. Odds seem fairly high I will eventually meet yet another person I become emotionally invested in who wants nothing to do with me. I will then spend weeks, months or years hoping senpai will notice me and tormenting myself over it all over again. I don't know how to prepare for that, or how to stop it from happening again and again.
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#144 Dec 10 2016 at 11:46 AM Rating: Good
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Good news! Apparently magic mushrooms cure depression. If you have cancer.

I'm not sure I'd recommend getting cancer as step one to cure depression, though.
#145 Dec 12 2016 at 11:59 AM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
hoping senpai will notice me .

ふざけんじゃねぞ。こんな日本語の使い方ダメ。アニメ止める方がいいよ。
お前さ。。。日本語をちゃんと勉強しなさい。


Edited, Dec 12th 2016 10:00am by Sogoro
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#146 Dec 12 2016 at 6:23 PM Rating: Decent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
I actually think about that a lot, but it seems like a bit of a paradox. --that I need to somehow get myself into a state where I no longer have any need for anyone else, and only then will there be anyone available-- but by then it won't even matter because I have no need for them.


There's a difference between need and want. There's a range between the two terms that typically measures the degree to which one thing is seen as a bonus to your life (want) versus harm to your life if absent (need). You need food. You need shelter. You want the latest cool game. You want to date a supermodel. It's normal and natural to want to interact with other people and gain enjoyment from that interaction. It's not so normal to need specific interactions with specific people to such a degree that you feel like your entire life is meaningless and/or worthless unless you get that interaction.

I really do think that most of this is just about how you're framing these things in your own mind. There's always value in those relationships, but you can't put them ahead of things that you actually "need". They are bonuses to your life. They are not required for you to have a life though. And I do think that once you find that balance within your own life, you'll find that it's a lot easier to engage in relationships, specifically because you are no longer projecting a "needy" aspect at the other person. Most people can sense that and will pull away from it (and the ones who don't are probably not people you want to be in any kind of close relationship with).

That's the theory anyway. Life is not super predictable.

Quote:
The way it's set up, I only take one class at a time in increments of 4 weeks. The next class begins January 9th. Odds seem fairly high I will eventually meet yet another person I become emotionally invested in who wants nothing to do with me. I will then spend weeks, months or years hoping senpai will notice me and tormenting myself over it all over again. I don't know how to prepare for that, or how to stop it from happening again and again.


Well, they do say that the first step is to know yourself. So you've got that covered at least! Smiley: grin
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#147 Dec 12 2016 at 8:32 PM Rating: Good
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gbaji wrote:
Most people can sense that and will pull away from it (and the ones who don't are probably not people you want to be in any kind of close relationship with).


I think the latter is the kind of person Red is. I don't think she belongs in the same category as the others I was talking about, and not just because of her age. She was the only person who ever actually called herself my friend and seemed to genuinely want to talk to me all the time. She would always tell me that she was a sadist and a sociopath, and it wasn't until then that I really thought about what either of those things mean. After reading up on it I realized she was probably right, but that wasn't necessarily a reason to not talk to her. I talked about this a lot in the original thread about her-- about how cruel she was towards me and my stepdaughter (and everyone), although some time after writing that thread she seemed to have toned it down a lot and seemed to become somewhat normal, although think she was actually just becoming more subtle.

I think about it a great deal, and I get the feeling a lot of the time she spent showering me with affection and giving me so much attention was so she could torment me with it later-- saying things like "I never meant any of that." "It was all a lie," etc. She would try to convince me to kill myself the day after saying she would always love me. I'm probably overthinking it. I don't know. I always thought it depended on how she was feeling that particular day, and maybe it was. I didn't take her "meanness" seriously, especially when it was directed towards me. It's funny. She always knew just what to say or do to make me incredibly angry, or happy, or miserable. I think that was one of the things I admired about her-- because she knew me so well. No matter what her intentions were, it was a kind of bond I have never had with anyone before.

I think about all the time I spent talking to her on Skype or in an online game, and I'm reasonably sure that amount of time exceeds that of all the time I have ever spent talking to everyone I have ever spoken to, combined.

I think maybe that is the kind of person I am looking for, though. --sort of a vampire of emotions. Or maybe I just like being bombarded with all the attention whether it was good or bad. It seemed pretty balanced. Maybe she was just bipolar or something. She had a problem with absent seizures that might have something to do with it. It may have just been incredibly poor diet given how picky she was and how her mom would let her eat whatever she wanted no matter what time it was. I worry about her a lot. I think tomorrow I will call her landline and see how she is doing.

Edited, Dec 13th 2016 5:32am by Kuwoobie
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#148 Dec 13 2016 at 4:04 AM Rating: Good
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Sogoro wrote:
ふざけんじゃねぞ。こんな日本語の使い方ダメ。アニメ止める方がいいよ。
お前さ。。。日本語をちゃんと勉強しなさい。


空气太污了, 你说日本語 所以加剧. 多祝贺 虚假日本狗!

rate me down ne.

ETA: fu ck me I forgot about the de su filter.

Edited, Dec 13th 2016 5:10am by Kavekkk
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#149 Dec 13 2016 at 9:42 AM Rating: Excellent
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Sogoro wrote:
Kuwoobie wrote:
hoping senpai will notice me .

ふざけんじゃねぞ。こんな日本語の使い方ダメ。アニメ止める方がいいよ。
お前さ。。。日本語をちゃんと勉強しなさい。
Here's a riddle for you.

Why did the weeb siege Antioch?

He thought Pope Urban II said
Screenshot
.
#150 Dec 13 2016 at 10:17 AM Rating: Good
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The One and Only Poldaran wrote:
Sogoro wrote:
Kuwoobie wrote:
hoping senpai will notice me .

ふざけんじゃねぞ。こんな日本語の使い方ダメ。アニメ止める方がいいよ。
お前さ。。。日本語をちゃんと勉強しなさい。
Here's a riddle for you.

Why did the weeb siege Antioch?

He thought Pope Urban II said
Screenshot
.



Like...I get the wordplay...anyhow...

Thinking anime tropes apply to one's life is a bit of a delusion. Almost like acting out in a certain way, projecting, in order for the trope to be felt in one's life. This ain't healthy.
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#151 Dec 13 2016 at 10:23 AM Rating: Good
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Kavekkk wrote:
Sogoro wrote:
ふざけんじゃねぞ。こんな日本語の使い方ダメ。アニメ止める方がいいよ。
お前さ。。。日本語をちゃんと勉強しなさい。


空气太污了, 你说日本語 所以加剧. 多祝贺 虚假日本狗!

rate me down ne.

ETA: fu ck me I forgot about the de su filter.

Edited, Dec 13th 2016 5:10am by Kavekkk


Is your head alright? Was there a reason for bashing your head into your keyboard while using google translate?
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