On a day like this, I feel abandoned. I was carried for a while, such that I could feel the breeze on my face. --but today there is no motion. I lay on the surface of the water with nowhere to go and no way to move on my own. My friends all have better things to do today than to spend time with me. They all have other people in their lives to tend to.
The first reaction to this, of course, would be "So be alone. Move yourself." It's another one of those "why don't you just" statements where the answer is supposed to be blindingly obvious but obviously
there are some extenuating circumstances that no one can see which not even I can fully understand. So I write on here in hopes I can glean some image of the truth.
So today I feel abandoned because they're all off doing other things that I can't interfere with. It has never been said, but I already know that how things are: My "weeb" friend, the girl, the oldest daughter. I will call her "Fujoshi" because that is frequently what she calls herself. She just started back to school a few days ago-- and she can't let her peers know about me. At the very least, it is frowned upon for teenage girls to be in a call with a thirty-something year old man to play Minecraft and Terraria in the middle of the night when they should be sleeping. There is no harm in it, of course, but harm that is imagined and greatly exaggerated after. There had been days where I was out with her in the real world, just the two of us, and I could feel people silently judging. I wrote something the other day on this:
I'm starting to notice this trend where people, once they observe a thought or action from another-- will automatically and without fail leap to the worst possible conclusion. Then they'll lock it in, and nothing you say or do can convince them otherwise.
No one ever seems to stop and think, "maybe they're not actually following me and they're just walking in the same general direction." No. It's actually an axe murderer that's been stalking you for years!
A lot of good things are ruined by this. -- because we can see the potential for harm where there is none, or at least not nearly as much as we let ourselves believe.
Just my 2am thoughts.
The worst case scenario, of course, is that I am a "man". I am something to be feared and reviled if found out of place. --that place in society being in prison, or peeling potatoes for the army. --not alone with a girl in public. Surely I am some kind of pervert worthy of the kind of dramatic knee-jerk reactions and death threats you see people are programmed to perform.
I downplay my relationship with her to my wife, because I know she would get jealous and do everything in her power to sabotage my friendship with Fujoshi if she knew just how much time I actually
spent with her. --and then there are Fujoshi's parents. They don't say anything. I can't imagine what they must think-- but we continue life as usual. We go out and play pool on Sunday night and the subject never even comes up with them.
Then there is Fujoshi herself... She knows that I would never harm her or her family in any way, and that I would, in fact, give my life to protect her. In the end, it's her opinion that is the only one that really matters. In her words I can feel that she loves me and values me as a friend. We tend to have the same conversation over and over: She assures me that I can never annoy her or make her uncomfortable with my presence, and if she had her way, I would never leave her side. She assures me that she is NOT like everyone else, and I just tell her "I am glad for that."
But Summer is over, which means it's back to school for Fujoshi-- back to her peers. Today was the first day in a long time where I was not needed, so naturally my mind drifts back into this place where I must contemplate my final days on Earth, because I fear she might never come back. I know it isn't likely, though. Not yet anyway... I think what I fear is that eventually
she will go away and never come back. --and I'll be left behind all over again. Then I think-- "How many times does this have to happen?