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#377 Nov 22 2017 at 5:40 PM Rating: Good
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It's funny how seemingly little it takes to bring things back to some semblance of normalcy.

I've been talking to this person more and more. It would seem, at the very least, that she doesn't hate me. More so, she actually seems to want to talk to me. I gave her a ride home in my car yesterday, which feels like a pretty big deal for some reason-- that someone would trust me with something like that. No one ever has before.

From the sound of things, we are going out to play pool on Sunday. Another first. It's almost overwhelming. --that someone would actually want to spend time with me outside of school or work.

I feel fine lately. It is as though I have met some basic criteria. It's as if something was close to meltdown before, but everything is stable again because of the difference this one person has made. I was never asking for much, after all. I don't really know what it is. I keep thinking that somehow, I feel validated.

All it takes, it would seem, is someone to talk to on a semi-regular basis. All of the negativity I had been burdened with before has been replaced with anticipation. I simply can't wait for our next meeting.

I keep thinking of how it is like a drug. When I'm near enough to see her, all of those funny brain chemicals become active. The last post I made was the result of what of what could be compared with withdrawal symptoms, as it had been several days since I'd spoken to her last, and at the time it didn't seem like this pattern of behavior of hers would continue.
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#378 Dec 01 2017 at 1:10 PM Rating: Good
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I feel like I understand more and more every day.

I failed a major exam today. It was a huge chunk of my overall grade and I got a zero. The exam was a simulation of RT practice. I had another classmate as my "patient" and did the whole routine with them, minus the actual x-ray exposure. But because I forgot to change out the cassettes between images, it was considered a double exposure and therefore an automatic zero.

My instructor asked me to stay because she wanted to have an "honest conversation" with me. She basically told me I wasn't good for RT and that I should look at other options...

It was very reminiscent of all the times I have been turned away by women I had shown interest in. They would always say that I should talk to someone else and leave them alone. It felt like the same thing here. --That I should go and do something else because I'm not good enough.

If it had been only that one simple mistake, I don't think she would have said that to me. I think I annoy my classmates. I feel like they don't want me there, and neither does my instructor. I feel that way everywhere I go, and the moment I start to think otherwise, reality slaps me back into place.

But just like relationships, what is to say I would not be having that exact same conversation had I already been chosen a different career path?

I told her that there were no other options. She didn't understand. She said that I should find something I would be good at and that I enjoyed. I told her there was no such thing, because honestly, there isn't. I tolerate what I'm doing now fine enough. The idea of starting completely over with something new and equally risky is absurd to me. Quitting this program and "going somewhere else" is basically equivalent" to "go back to working at Wal-Mart, trash."

That has always been in the back of my mind-- what could happen if I failed the program I'm in. It would mean going back to what I did before. It would mean working however many hours are assigned to me for just enough money to afford living with roomates and daily ramen noodles and doing work that I WILL NOT tolerate any longer. It would mean a dead end, with no chance of ever being anything else.

It was then that I realized why I often think and talk about killing myself. --and why there are so many people who have actually done that. It's because there are so many circumstances that are worse than death.

Being used by Wal-Mart all your life as a wage slave ***** is worse than being dead, just like being married to someone for no reason other than it's convenient for them to have a free house maid and babysitter is worse than death.

--and if I can't become anything more than a wage slave, then I will never have the attention of anyone else. Yet I'm still alive-- because everything that would make life livable is dangled in my face, just out of my reach. Always.

I keep thinking about the Trix Rabbit analogy. How he is obsessed with getting to eat the cereal that everyone else gets to eat, but whenever he gets close, it gets snatched away from him. "Silly Rabbit. These aren't for you." Here are your carrots that you eat every day. Now eat so you can sustain your life and live to suffer another day.

Wal-Mart is my ****** bag of carrots, because I can apply for thousands of positions where help is wanted but they are always the only ones who call. My wife is my ****** bag of carrots, because she is the only one who has ever had a use for someone like me. Cold, dry, bitter, lifeless carrots.

I think of how a typical rabbit lives. In a cage or hutch. Probably a gift for a child on Easter, who was happy to receive it for all of 20 minutes before the novelty wore away. Now an inconvenience. It would be cruel to let the rabbit starve to death, but feeding him is an afterthought. He just sits in his cage all day, forgotten. Ignored. Unwanted.

--and there is the big key word and underlying theme. Unwanted. I don't want to talk to you, find someone else. We don't want you on our team. Go somewhere else. I know this word is important because in just typing this last paragraph I am filled with a unique sort of pain, like I am touching a very sensitive nerve and pressing my thumb into it, hard.

What people never realize is, I don't have someone "else" to go talk to. I don't have anywhere "else" to go to. There isn't some magical person somewhere that would react differently. There is no career path that is looking for ugly, awkward, autistic men. They just as well be saying "go somewhere and die."

I'm still alive because I don't want to die. I want to solidify all of the good things I fantasize about-- more than anything else. So all this time I have lived a life that is worse than being dead because I keep tricking myself into thinking there's a chance-- that I might escape from this cage and live among other rabbits, and be loved, and wanted. If I fail this class, however, it won't matter how much I want to keep trying. I will no longer have that choice.
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#379 Jan 27 2018 at 6:57 AM Rating: Good
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I just had a total nostalgia breakdown and went through a lot of my old posts over the course of 4~ hours when I realized I hadn't posted in almost a full year.

That's weird to me. When I open my browser, Allakhazam is the first thing I open (Then MMO-Champion, then Facebook). It's an old habit that came from doing just that for over eight years. I barely even check up on FFXI because I haven't played it in 3.5 years. But...I still sit on the general chat forums.

It's....Kind of scary how doing something for a large fraction of your life can turn into a habit that you continue to do when it's no longer relevant.

I do hope this site can become relevant again someday, I really enjoyed my time here.
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#380 Jan 29 2018 at 8:50 AM Rating: Good
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Zafire wrote:
I do hope this site can become relevant again someday,
Pic related.
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#381 Jan 30 2018 at 4:03 AM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
Zafire wrote:
I do hope this site can become relevant again someday,
Pic related.


Hey, you never know!

Edited, Jan 30th 2018 6:14am by Zafire
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#382 Feb 05 2018 at 4:51 PM Rating: Good
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I finished studying and taking tests. On January 8th, my birthday, I began clinicals. This is where I go to an actual hospital to work as a sort of intern. Me and another student from my class, a young girl-- no older than 18 or 19, were assigned to the same clinical site.

For five days a week, eight hours a day, it became my job to write down any procedures I had witnessed or performed. I was to gain "competencies" for a number of procedures, meaning I had to learn to perform different positions on patients as they came in and prove I could do them on my own.

The first few weeks were pretty rough. It was a new kind of experience-- being in a hospital behind the scenes. I had expected to be working with one, maybe two RTs during my time there, but there were actually dozens of different techs there on any given day. I was to follow whoever had something to do at the time, which was almost never... The down time was the hardest part. Having nothing to do and being under a microscope and being expected to stay busy somehow was like torture. Every minute felt like an hour. Save for whoever the radiologist was there on that day, I was the only man working there. All the techs were women. I had never felt more like an alien, or more out of place in my life. Some even said things to me like they were surprised to see a guy there.

Occasionally a fax would come in and we'd have a round of portables to do-- this was the best part. I was actually able to do what I was there to do, and I was actually getting pretty good at it. By the third week, I had mastered wrists, ankles, hands, feet, abdomen and esophagrams. I did so many chest x-rays that I could probably do them blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back. By Friday of the third week, I was feeling a lot better about the whole thing. I was so much more confident when dealing with patients. I was getting to know each individual tech that worked there, and how they liked to do things. I left there that day feeling like it would be no problem, and it was something I could do...

Then Monday the next week, something happened. I'm still not sure what, exactly. From the very start of that day something felt wrong. Meredith, the lady in charge, had returned from covering someone else who had been out sick with the flu the entire week before. She was there the whole day, barking and snarling at me, demanding I do more than "just stand there" during down time-- pacing around and loudly complaining about how her teeth hurt. They must have been hurting a lot, because I had never seen anyone act so erratically. Somehow, I ended up getting stuck with her with a few patients, who she hastily threw into position while screaming at me to stand back and press the exposure button while she stood in the room with them... I never had any problems with any of the other techs. I started to feel like she was playing me. She was acting erratic and giving me misleading directions for the purpose of humiliating me.

Just like weeks before, when she pulled me into her office to show me images on Google of different bows and braids I could put my hair up in to coerce me into cutting it without outright telling me to... She couldn't have just told me it was hospital policy for men to have short hair. I had it tied back in the same manner as any of the women who worked there, but that wasn't good enough. I told her I would just go home and shave it. "Oh no don't do that. Look at these pig tails!" Of course, I went home and shaved it all short. It wasn't a big deal. I just wish she didn't feel like she had to embarrass me over it. But that had become the ongoing theme with her. It's like she enjoyed it.

Back to my last day... At some point we had an elderly patient (almost all of them were elderly), who she just finished a chest xray with. She then told me to return the patient to the lobby, since he didn't have a room, as all the rooms were full that day. As a student, I had no business returning walking patients anywhere. She said it would be fine since she was in charge. She even came out into the hall and pointed me towards the lobby. "I'm glad you know where you're going" said the old man as I began to get lost, trying not to lock myself out being without a scannable ID to operate the inner doors with. Finally we reached the cafeteria, which I knew was directly connected to the front lobby, where I had returned many patients to before with other techs. I told the patient that it was as far as I could go without being locked out, and that the lobby was around the corner there, pointing.

Come to find out, what Meredith meant to tell me was the patient was to go to the ER lobby, not the front lobby. She deliberately led me with the patient to the wrong lobby, so they could say they found him wandering around in the cafeteria, lost. --so she could come back to me, outraged, huffing and puffing, about how she had failed, and what an idiot she was and how she had failed (really meaning me, of course.)

Shortly later she came back and demanded I leave early to get a new left marker from Keiser. I had lost it a week before. My plan was to get a new left marker when I went for my class meeting that Wednesday. It was about an hours drive away.

On the way there, she apparently emailed my instructors telling them that she didn't want me to come back, after which my instructors at Keiser called me to come and talk to them while I was there getting a new marker. They basically got me in a small room with them to tell me (again) that I was not suited for RT, and that I would not be returning to that hospital. Of course, they all sided with Meredith, not knowing at all what was going on there, or asking any of the techs there about me. It was all up to the word of one dumpy post-menopausal *****, just as I had feared before even going. My fate is always in the hands of someone else. It doesn't matter what I say or do.

It's funny, because just before all that I was thinking about just how much I hated it there, and how much I hated Meredith, and how wrong it all felt. I knew I was not suited for that kind of work. I could not be like all the women working there. I felt extremely out of place and uncomfortable every day, but I pushed through and forced myself to do it day after day... It should not have ended that way, and I hate that I have wasted nearly two years of my life going to school and racking up more student loan debt for nothing-- but I am relieved more than anything.

My instructors kept telling me that I just needed to find what I was good at-- that I should try other programs there. For what? They're all the same. If I don't have the skills to be in RT, how is anything else any different? Basically it was, "why don't you just spend more time and more money taking more classes that will never benefit you in any way. We'll have such in such in this other program call you."

I don't know what to do now. I've been at home for a week doing nothing, just like I used to do. I'm not a student RT anymore. I'm not anything. All of my classmates have already removed me from their Facebooks and group texts and forgotten me. I won't be seeing them anymore. I won't be graduating in December. The prospect of ever having a real job now is long gone. I've gone back to being my wife's 32 year old child, and there have already been talks about me finding another job with Wal-Mart or equivalent-- something I swore I would never do again. The US Army has been calling me and leaving me messages and texts on my phone. I guess being cannon fodder for Trump's upcoming war with North Korea is the "right place" for me my instructors were referring to. They wouldn't be calling me if they knew what a basket case I was, or how out of shape I am, or how I can't even stand up straight no matter how hard I try.

I want to think this is it for me. I want to think I should kill myself now. I am truly a valueless person. There can be no doubt about that now. At the same time though, I still feel relieved. I feel relief that I no longer have to try and force myself into something that feels wrong to me. I feel lucky that I get to have this easy life as a house husband, and that maybe it was all just a mistake that I ever tried to be anything else. I think I will save suicide for the day I am forced to go back to Wal-Mart and can't find a way out of it. I don't think that will happen, though. I hear they're paying their employees starting at $11 an hour now, which to me is basically saying they aren't going to hire people like they used to-- being anyone, anytime. Not anymore.

Now comes the time where I apply for thousands of jobs and don't get a call from anyone, not even Wal-Mart this time. Now comes the time where I stare at this screen and contemplate my life as a broke, loveless, sexless house pet. I am getting old, and my body is starting to fail. My stomach is full of ulcers. My teeth are all broken and rotted. I will die on my own eventually.
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Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#383 Feb 06 2018 at 11:16 AM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
The US Army has been calling me and leaving me messages and texts on my phone. I guess being cannon fodder for 's upcoming war with North Korea is the "right place" for me my instructors were referring to.
I mean, you could be a medical tech. Surprising as it may be, but we do get injured and need x-rays and such and seeing as how you said you kind of enjoyed doing that and were getting proficient with it it could be a pretty decent move. And having soldier on the resume does open doors. You'll have to go through basic training and AIT, which is a pain in the ass, but it's an option to consider.

68P, Radiology Specialist.

Edited, Feb 6th 2018 12:17pm by lolgaxe
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#384 Feb 07 2018 at 9:44 PM Rating: Excellent
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#385 Feb 19 2018 at 9:40 AM Rating: Excellent
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Three more recruits and I get a set of matching steak knives. Smiley: thumbsup
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#386 Feb 24 2018 at 8:38 AM Rating: Excellent
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Yeah, but will they be ergonomic knives, or the ones that cause carpal tunnel if you go full Shokugeki on your celery?
#387 Mar 05 2018 at 5:23 PM Rating: Good
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Annual Check in, hi.

later.
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#388 Mar 05 2018 at 5:24 PM Rating: Good
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Annual check in double post fail :(

Edited, Mar 5th 2018 6:24pm by SWM
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#389 Mar 06 2018 at 8:46 AM Rating: Excellent
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Hi.
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#390 Mar 07 2018 at 5:06 PM Rating: Excellent
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The One and Only Poldaran wrote:
Yeah, but will they be ergonomic knives, or the ones that cause carpal tunnel if you go full Shokugeki on your celery?


Apropos of nothing in particular, a good chef's knife is a marvel, and makes all cooking tasks just that much more easy and fun. Go cheap on pots and pans if you want, but not this one tool. Trust me. And ironically, it's just about the only piece of kitchen equipment that I haven't cut myself with.
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#391 Mar 08 2018 at 1:20 AM Rating: Good
GBATE!! Never saw it coming
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gbaji wrote:
The One and Only Poldaran wrote:
Yeah, but will they be ergonomic knives, or the ones that cause carpal tunnel if you go full Shokugeki on your celery?


Apropos of nothing in particular, a good chef's knife is a marvel, and makes all cooking tasks just that much more easy and fun. Go cheap on pots and pans if you want, but not this one tool. Trust me. And ironically, it's just about the only piece of kitchen equipment that I haven't cut myself with.
I was gonna say!Smiley: laugh
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#392 Apr 08 2018 at 1:38 AM Rating: Good
GBATE!! Never saw it coming
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Kuwoobie?????


Post before someone calls your mom, please.
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#393 Apr 10 2018 at 5:14 PM Rating: Good
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Quote:
Kuwoobie?????


Post before someone calls your mom, please.



I'm alive. I just haven't been posting much because of how this website has been behaving lately. I just came to check today and it seems to have gotten a little better however.
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#394 Apr 10 2018 at 5:33 PM Rating: Good
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So yeah. I'll post some stuff since Zam is somewhat functional at the moment.

Nothing has really been happening. I don't go to school anymore since I failed clinicals. I realize I was forcing a mistake the whole time, and that my instructors were right. "We can't teach you how to be a person" Ms. Mac told me. I suppose I'm not a person? I realize I should not be trying to force myself to fit in to society as if I were some kind of functional adult. I wasn't toughing it out and being brave. I was forcing myself like a ******* obtuse triangle peg through a narrow cylindrical hole.

So for now I'm back to being a stay at home dad, and my wife is actually very supportive and understanding, given she was actually there with the meeting I had with my teachers. She says she shouldn't have pressured me into going to school like she did. The medical career field just isn't for me.

I've been doubling down on my new Minecraft server-- I feel that perhaps this latest endeavor could dwarf any servers I have made before in terms of popularity and financial gain. The sheer scale of this new server is unlike anything I've done before-- in terms of quality, it is already by far the greatest thing I have ever seen in Minecraft. My interest was renewed when an old friend invited me to play with him on a server he frequented. The server was utter garbage, yet had thousands of players online for what reason I could not begin to imagine. It was not fun. It was not original by any means. I knew I could do so much better, and I have been. I actually can't wait to show the world all that I have created. I am taking tremendous care this time to ensure everything works as it should before removing the whitelist and allowing players to join. I have spared no expense as far as attention to detail is concerned. For the first time I have successfully added live atmospheric background music and custom sound effects to the game world WITHOUT the need to force players to download any mods, and I've meticulously integrated more than 500 custom item textures to various weapons, potions and armor.

Sometime last month, I stayed at the hospital for about a week. I was diagnosed with diverticulitis and was put on sepsis alert. I was put on an all liquid diet and was pumped full of antibiotics. I must now take probiotics and fiber supplements. Upon going off the antibiotics, an extremely painful and reoccurring infection in my jaw... .reoccurred. It is nerve pain, and happens seemingly at random, but is intensified if I eat. It can range from nothing at all to the most intense, soul sundering, mind melting pain I have ever felt in my life.
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#395 Apr 22 2018 at 5:36 PM Rating: Good
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Checking in briefly, still amazed that the forums are still here. Still kinda like what the heck are you all doing here, but then again I assume the vast majority of you are just checking in to see if they're still afloat.
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#396 Apr 23 2018 at 8:37 AM Rating: Good
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Catt wrote:
Still kinda like what the heck are you all doing here,
Killin' time, same as always.
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#397 Apr 24 2018 at 8:34 AM Rating: Good
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Ignore this.

I'm trying to briefly summarize everything I have been saying and thinking somehow-- refine all of my thoughts into a tl;dr format. Everything falls into circular pattern. It is a twisting and never ending spiral.

Last night I dreamed about zombies, which is a reoccurring and extremely prevalent theme. Particularly, they were Walking Dead zombies-- kind of. Unlike in the show, the walkers were not made out of partially melted butter. They were actually extremely hard to kill, and all I had was as sort of brown wooden baton to fight with. Naturally, it wasn't very effective. I tried stabbing it into their skull sockets only to have it bounce off of their eyeballs. People were dying all around me, and I was desperately trying to save them all. It was not like a TV show. They were real people. I'd never met any of them before that I can remember, but I was really trying my best to protect them. If I was not fighting, I was gathering people into a car in an attempt to take them somewhere safer. But there was no place to go that was any better.

The worst part about it all was that the zombies were almost sentient themselves. They could talk, and make facial expressions. They all seemed to carry an extremely resentful and condescending attitude. Something about this made the whole dream extremely unsettling. They deliberately targeted children as a priority. One zombie, who appeared as a shambling blonde woman-- grabbed a little girl (about kindergarten age) by the wrist then just barely nibbled her finger so it would leave a mark. Rick Grimes was there, and responded to this by slicing off every single one of the girl's fingers with one of those cigar cutter things as the girl screamed. After a moment of standing there with no fingers, screaming, she put her hands in her mouth for some reason, then, covered in blood, fell over dead. The zombie who bit her laughed.

I have dreams like this constantly. I feel like they're a reflection of how helpless I feel all the time. I feel as if people can do and say whatever they want to me, and I can't fight back. I can't make people do what I want them to do, ever. So I suffer from extreme loneliness. It's not like I am never in a position to meet new people. Being close to someone is all that I care about. It is all that I want. Every single thing that I do amounts to some scheme to try and gain reputation points with some person so that they might want me. But the outcome is always the same. Everything I can possibly say or do makes me a creep. A stalker. A pervert. If not that, then I am simply doing nothing but dreaming and wishing they would say something to me.

They don't. So I am forgotten. Ignored. Unwanted. I am an unwanted person. I'm getting old now, and all I've done all my life is try desperately to try and make something work. I think that it's getting close to the point where there is just no chance anymore. I don't kill myself because I'm pretty sure it won't get me what I want, but I'm constantly standing on the edge and wondering what other option there is. I shouldn't be here. If I am not creepy or weird or annoying to someone, the bottom line is really that I just don't fit into anyone's life. At all. There is no need for me. I am completely extra in every sense of the word.

And all anyone can say is "well just change what you care about" as if it were that simple. As if I could somehow trick my brain into wanting things that are available to me. Like, perhaps I could take great joy in killing german cockroaches in my apartment, or playing computer games, or ...? Maybe I could read a book! YEAH! Maybe I can do jumping jax until I pass out then get up and do that again! I can print out pages to color and color them in with markers! I put my parakeet in the garbage disposal and count each feather that comes out, or I could see how long it takes for super glue to bond my ears to a door handle! I don't know what it is, but it's like none of those things are good enough?

Edited, Apr 24th 2018 2:34pm by Kuwoobie
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#398 Apr 24 2018 at 2:23 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
Ignore this.
Should be the beginning of every gbaji post.
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#399 Apr 30 2018 at 8:18 AM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
The worst part about it all was that the zombies were almost sentient themselves.
I loved the first two Return of the Living Dead movies.
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#400 Apr 30 2018 at 7:53 PM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
Kuwoobie wrote:
The worst part about it all was that the zombies were almost sentient themselves.
I loved the first two Return of the Living Dead movies.


I have not seen those. I guess I better add those to the already incredibly long list of movies I need to catch up on.
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#401 May 07 2018 at 5:53 PM Rating: Good
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I literally just wrote like a ******* book worth of text on here before the page froze from ads and everything was lost. I guess I should have learned better by now.
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Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

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