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#1 Feb 12 2014 at 9:05 AM Rating: Good
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My biological clock will not be silenced. I have had a serious case of baby fever since beginning of this month. It's something that usually comes and goes but I haven't paid any mind to it since I decided long ago that I didn't want children. Everywhere I look now, there are adorable little babies and I'm thinking it wouldn't be too bad to have one of my own. I'll be 30 first week of May so I'm not the immature little brat I use to be, I'm more financially stable now, and have a SO that is not only healthy for me but that truly loves me. My SO is 3yrs younger than I am and is not even ready for marriage yet, much less children. I want a family. I'm afraid I will lose patience waiting on him to be at the same stage in life I am, but I love him and I want my family to be with him.

Has anyone ever dated someone younger and come across this problem? Any words of wisdom? Advice?


P.S. I have broached the subject of marriage before and got rejected, then got my feelings hurt, then got angry because my feelings were hurt, and it was a fight... Stupid, I know, but true. Sometimes, I'm not the most logical... So, I am hesitant to bring the topic up again. I would like to be engaged, at least, before going off my birth control and attempting to conceive, which is why I mentioned marriage.
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#2 Feb 12 2014 at 9:10 AM Rating: Good
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Just to make it worse.
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#3 Feb 12 2014 at 9:20 AM Rating: Good
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Good luck with that.

A kid is a two decade commitment. If you want to have a baby that will know and grow with two parents - doesn't seem as if your SO will be that other parent.

Being a single parent that lives with a uncommitted SO would be rough on the kid.
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#4 Feb 12 2014 at 9:51 AM Rating: Good
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The vast majority of men eventually want kids too. Of my vast Catholic step family, almost every couple in my father's generation waited till the women were 35 or older to have kids. Statistically this seems to be an Australian thing of women wanting independent stability before they have kids. Average age of Australian women having their first child is up to 29 now, I think. So in my experience waiting is a viable option.

The switchover from "definitely don't want kids" to "want kids" can be sudden. This is what I'd do if I were you. I'm in love with him, he's good for me, I don't want to break up with him. There's time left on my ovaries. I'm going to wait patiently and silently for five years total at the outset to see how he changes over time. In three years time I'm going to ask him how he feels about having kids, to see if he's open to the idea yet. If he says no, I'm going to hang in for another 2 years as a last ditch to maybe get to have children with the man I love.

At 35, I'm going to choose. Him or a child? Am I prepared to be a single mother? If I'm not, and I choose procreation over him, time to hit the dating scene. There are also single men out there who want a child at that age, and haven't had any yet. There are also a lot of men that come with step children.
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#5 Feb 12 2014 at 10:58 AM Rating: Excellent
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Your ovaries might be fine but the rest of you ages as well. As someone who had one child at 26 and another in late 30's, I can say that it's a lot easier to keep up with a toddler when you're 26 than when you're 36. Or, for that matter, what age you'll be to see them graduate, marry, have grandchildren, etc.

Now there's perfectly good reasons to wait that could far outweigh that. You're better off raising a child at 36 with a steady income and solid family situation than getting pregnant at 25 and living in a box. But there's a definite trade-off to running down the clock waiting on someone who may or may not get into the game. I'd give him time but I certainly wouldn't give anyone five years while they decide to make up their mind.

Then there's the whole "middle stage dating" thing but that's a whole different ball of wax.
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#6 Feb 12 2014 at 11:18 AM Rating: Excellent
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Jophiel wrote:
I can say that it's a lot easier to keep up with a toddler when you're 26 than when you're 36.
I'll say if there's one thing I wish I did in life, it was starting a family a couple of years sooner.

Ovaries though, come mid 30s they aren't what they used to be. That fertility rate plummets, you'll get labelled as a "high risk" pregnancy by the doctors. They'll want more tests, the chances of having a child with a birth defect or a miscarriage start really rising and...

You know what I'm going to shut up now.
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#7 Feb 12 2014 at 11:36 AM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
But there's a definite trade-off to running down the clock waiting on someone who may or may not get into the game. I'd give him time but I certainly wouldn't give anyone five years while they decide to make up their mind.

Then there's the whole "middle stage dating" thing but that's a whole different ball of wax.


I'll agree with Joph here - 5 years is way too long to give someone - love or not., and if it doesn't work out, you'll end up like me who is *at* that age of 35, waited around for a couple years on a "maybe", and now is looking around at very slim prospects.

I also wouldn't consider 3 years between you "younger". He's old enough to be out of college and in the world, old enough to realize that he's either going to settle down or continue to have his freedom, and let's not kid ourselves, that's what this is about. It's the same at 27 as it is at 40 (the age of my last partner when we met). If the commitment issue came up and it was a fight, that should have been a red flag no matter what his age is. You might love him, you might feel he loves you, but if you aren't at the same stage in life you will find that it's unfair to you both to try to "wait it out". You will resent him, especially if a few more years go by and he still hasn't moved forward with an engagement.

It's your life and the heart wants what the heart wants, but from a practical point of view, you should plan for the worst and decide whether being with him is worth the chance you may never be married nor have children. If it isn't, then maybe consider moving on.
#8 Feb 12 2014 at 11:45 AM Rating: Good
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Any time I get baby cravings I go help take care of a friend's baby. I'm cured pretty quickly.

I think of them like puppies. They're cute, they're fun to play with, they're a mess and a long term commitment so while I enjoy seeing other people's kids/puppies, I do not wish to adopt one of my own.
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#9 Feb 12 2014 at 11:50 AM Rating: Good
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Calculate how much a kid would cost you, up to a middle-grade college, and use the money to hire a midget instead. You could probably get Peter Dinklage, the guy is in anything and everything dörf related.
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#10 Feb 12 2014 at 11:55 AM Rating: Good
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I'd dump the guy, get a golden retriever and a sperm donor and have yourself a baby.
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#11 Feb 12 2014 at 12:04 PM Rating: Excellent
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Wouldn't even need the sperm donor if you're not so picky about the results.
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#12 Feb 12 2014 at 3:51 PM Rating: Excellent
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someprotienguy wrote:


Ovaries though, come mid 30s they aren't what they used to be. That fertility rate plummets, you'll get labelled as a "high risk" pregnancy by the doctors. They'll want more tests, the chances of having a child with a birth defect or a miscarriage start really rising and...

You know what I'm going to shut up now.


That's my point. Although there are women that have children in their late 30's, early 40's, I want as normal of a pregnancy as possible and the longer I wait, the chances of that decrease significantly.

Torrence wrote:



I also wouldn't consider 3 years between you "younger". He's old enough to be out of college and in the world, old enough to realize that he's either going to settle down or continue to have his freedom, and let's not kid ourselves, that's what this is about. It's the same at 27 as it is at 40 (the age of my last partner when we met). If the commitment issue came up and it was a fight, that should have been a red flag no matter what his age is. You might love him, you might feel he loves you, but if you aren't at the same stage in life you will find that it's unfair to you both to try to "wait it out". You will resent him, especially if a few more years go by and he still hasn't moved forward with an engagement.

It's your life and the heart wants what the heart wants, but from a practical point of view, you should plan for the worst and decide whether being with him is worth the chance you may never be married nor have children. If it isn't, then maybe consider moving on.


Even though it is only a 3yr difference, it feels like we are worlds apart sometimes. He's still in school, works part-time, and is still in that "going out to party with my friends" mode. I was past that stage years ago. The fight about marriage wasn't so much about the topic itself, but more the way I reacted to his complete rejection when I brought the subject up. I don't take rejection very well and become quite defensive when my feelings are hurt. I know I will grow to resent him if he is holding me back from what I want in life and I really don't wanna go that route, but I fear the outcome if I become insistent about what I want. Either he will get tired of it and leave, or I will get tired of him dragging his feet and leave. Either option, I'm really not okay with.

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Any time I get baby cravings I go help take care of a friend's baby. I'm cured pretty quickly.

I think of them like puppies. They're cute, they're fun to play with, they're a mess and a long term commitment so while I enjoy seeing other people's kids/puppies, I do not wish to adopt one of my own.


That's what I usually do! A friend of mine has a 2yr old and a 3mo. I went over to her house this past weekend and it only intensified the feeling. I was holding the screaming 3mo while she was dealing with the screaming 2yr old and all I could do is smile and fantasize about having a little screaming bundle myself. That's when I knew I had it bad...

Edited, Feb 12th 2014 3:53pm by Delva
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