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#1 Aug 10 2013 at 4:48 PM Rating: Excellent
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This is not a boo-hoo thread.Smiley: mad


As some here may be aware, I am a divorced person. It’s been 12 years since the divorce. While the divorce wasn’t particularly nasty, the preceding marriage was emotionally exhausting. This has, no doubt, killed my motivation to attempt another serious relationship. Since then, while I’ve met some very nice women, I’ve not dated. Since I’ve not dated, I’ve also not boom-chick-a-wow-wow’d.


Which brings us to the point of the thread:

It took me several years to come to terms with being “alone”. I put “alone” in quotes there because I’m certainly surrounded by people at work and I do have a roommate (friend from work) so I’m not isolated alone, just very, very single. I’m (mostly) OK with it now and realize that my lifestyle (such as it is) isn’t super-conducive to time-sharing and most times I don’t think about it.


Having said all that:

Is there anyone else in here who is, by fate or design, celibate? Are you OK with it? Do you feel like your life is missing something?
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Last week, I saw a guy with an eyepatch and a gold monocle and pointed him out to Flea as one of the most awesome things I've seen, ever. If I had an eyepatch and a gold monocle, I'd always dress up as Mr. Peanut but with a hook hand and a parrot.
#2 Aug 10 2013 at 5:07 PM Rating: Excellent
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Yo /raisehand

Pretty much saw how the relationships of the people around me turned out and said ********** That". Wouldn't mind getting laid at least once in my life, but it would have to be someone I'm comfortable with, with no strings attached afterward (both emotional and physical cause I don't feel like getting robbed while I'm tied up).
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#3 Aug 10 2013 at 5:49 PM Rating: Good
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I wouldn't mind getting laid in the future but I'm not interested outside of a commited relationship, so I kinda Catch-22'd myself, there.
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Jophiel wrote:
Last week, I saw a guy with an eyepatch and a gold monocle and pointed him out to Flea as one of the most awesome things I've seen, ever. If I had an eyepatch and a gold monocle, I'd always dress up as Mr. Peanut but with a hook hand and a parrot.
#4 Aug 10 2013 at 6:01 PM Rating: Excellent
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Friar Bijou wrote:
I wouldn't mind getting laid in the future but I'm not interested outside of a commited relationship, so I kinda Catch-22'd myself, there.


Find an open married couple, a swinger's threesome counts as a committed relationship.
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"We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary."
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#5 Aug 10 2013 at 6:03 PM Rating: Good
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Shaowstrike the Shady wrote:
Friar Bijou wrote:
I wouldn't mind getting laid in the future but I'm not interested outside of a commited relationship, so I kinda Catch-22'd myself, there.

Find an open married couple, a swinger's threesome counts as a committed relationship.
Smiley: um
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Jophiel wrote:
Last week, I saw a guy with an eyepatch and a gold monocle and pointed him out to Flea as one of the most awesome things I've seen, ever. If I had an eyepatch and a gold monocle, I'd always dress up as Mr. Peanut but with a hook hand and a parrot.
#6 Aug 10 2013 at 6:16 PM Rating: Good
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Friar Bijou wrote:
Shaowstrike the Shady wrote:
Friar Bijou wrote:
I wouldn't mind getting laid in the future but I'm not interested outside of a commited relationship, so I kinda Catch-22'd myself, there.

Find an open married couple, a swinger's threesome counts as a committed relationship.
Smiley: um


I should have said "*** inside of a committed relationship". Smiley: lol
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#7 Aug 10 2013 at 8:57 PM Rating: Good
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Three words. "Mail order bride".
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#8 Aug 10 2013 at 9:17 PM Rating: Good
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Timelordwho wrote:
Three words. "Mail order bride".


Pretty sure getting someone a U.S. Citizenship counts as a commitment.
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"We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary."
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#9 Aug 10 2013 at 9:26 PM Rating: Good
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Shaowstrike the Shady wrote:
Timelordwho wrote:
Three words. "Mail order bride".


Pretty sure getting someone a U.S. Citizenship counts as a commitment.


Which is why it solves his problem...
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#10 Aug 10 2013 at 9:56 PM Rating: Good
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Timelordwho wrote:
Three words. "Mail order bride".
I dunno. At my work I've met more than one "tossed-aside" Russian bride and them ladies be craaaaazy.
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Jophiel wrote:
Last week, I saw a guy with an eyepatch and a gold monocle and pointed him out to Flea as one of the most awesome things I've seen, ever. If I had an eyepatch and a gold monocle, I'd always dress up as Mr. Peanut but with a hook hand and a parrot.
#11 Aug 10 2013 at 10:38 PM Rating: Good
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Friar Bijou wrote:
This is not a boo-hoo thread.Smiley: mad

match.com

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#12 Aug 10 2013 at 11:16 PM Rating: Good
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Elinda wrote:
Friar Bijou wrote:
This is not a boo-hoo thread.Smiley: mad
match.com
Actually the point is I'm mostly comfortable without the *** and relationship stuff,and I wondered if any others in the same place.

Thanks, though, sweetie!!Smiley: flowers
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Jophiel wrote:
Last week, I saw a guy with an eyepatch and a gold monocle and pointed him out to Flea as one of the most awesome things I've seen, ever. If I had an eyepatch and a gold monocle, I'd always dress up as Mr. Peanut but with a hook hand and a parrot.
#13 Aug 11 2013 at 3:53 AM Rating: Good
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Use OkCupid instead of Match.com though, mostly because OkCupid is free and I think Match.com requires you paying money for dates or messages or something.

That said, a dating site actually worked for my dad and he was in a kind of similar situation as you.
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#14 Aug 11 2013 at 9:08 AM Rating: Decent
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Not that this is the point of the thread, but I used a dating site once in my life for exactly 3 days setup the day after I split with my last ex and met my wife on it. I was always against them until then.
#15 Aug 11 2013 at 10:17 PM Rating: Good
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Late to the thread, but yeah... even though the guy who I actually liked and I broke up last October, that was about an 18 month relationship, which for me was my longest one. Still before him it was a good 2 or 3 years before I had dated anyone. Really this has nothing to do with my status either, I've always been (not picky) selective of who and when and why I date.

I dont: Want to date a guy who's in it just for ***, but I dont want a clinger either

I do: Want to date a pot smoker, but NOT one who smokes more than me (I do not appreciate being yelled at for getting high while you were gone/working/etc, for any reason)

I do: Want to date a gamer, but not some obsessed fanboi who only can see one game in an entire spectrum of games to dabble in.

I'm sure I could dwell on that list longer, but back to the sort of question... I am fine for the most part with being celibate as well. *** with another person is sometimes really good. Unfortunately not all the time.

Five years from now I'll be in my 40's... and still single most likely. My biggest fear is that I may be viewed as a player, or a tramp. Whatever though.
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#16 Aug 12 2013 at 6:58 AM Rating: Good
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Friar Bijou wrote:
Elinda wrote:
Friar Bijou wrote:
This is not a boo-hoo thread.Smiley: mad
match.com
Actually the point is I'm mostly comfortable without the *** and relationship stuff,and I wondered if any others in the same place.

Thanks, though, sweetie!!Smiley: flowers
I find myself once again calling upon the wisdom of Miracle Max; Mostly comfortable is slightly uncomfortable. With all comfortable....well, might as well empty your pockets.





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#17 Aug 12 2013 at 7:16 AM Rating: Good
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Sonny, comfort is the greatest thing in the world - except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe, they're so perky, I love that.
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#18 Aug 12 2013 at 1:36 PM Rating: Excellent
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sounds sheepish.
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#19 Aug 12 2013 at 2:37 PM Rating: Excellent
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Friar Bijou wrote:
Is there anyone else in here who is, by fate or design, celibate? Are you OK with it? Do you feel like your life is missing something?
Hi, my (net)name is Poldaran and I haven't had *** in around two years. The following may be incomplete, as it's only my side and I'm not going to link my GF to this to tell her side.

Warning: A bit of whining follows.

I've been in a relationship for about 9.5 years. The first year or so was great. Then her grandmother died(cancer). I helped carry the casket at her funeral. I did what I could to be there for her, and I like to think I did okay, but I really don't know.

About a year or so after her grandmother's death, things had changed a bit, but we were fine, as far as I could tell. I thought we were just settling in a bit. We lived together at the time, with her brother living with us as well. It was nice, or so I thought. Then she tells me that she's going to take an internship halfway across the country. Said that the area we lived in made her think of her grandmother too much. Her brother and I get one of his friends to move in with us to cover my GF's third of the rent.

I saw her once in that year. After finishing her internship, she moves back in with her grandfather. He has more or less moved on(remember, it had been a couple years or so since the death at this point). I see her a bit more, since she's about an hour away. Still, less than I'd like. Her mom doesn't like me, so I don't go down there as often as I would like as it causes problems for her. She takes a job in the other city, as it's much larger and has more job opportunities.

She leaves her job about eight or so months later, taking a managerial position with another company. Then, after a few months, they offer her a better position in another city. She takes the offer, even though she'll be around four hours away rather than one. I know some folks in the other city, so I'm willing to consider moving as long as her job allows her to get settled and looks like it's going to pan out. I don't want to risk leaving a job I'd been at for many years to move to a city I'm not terribly familiar with if she's not in a stable situation. Not when my roommates and I have agreed that if she were to move back in with us, we'd be happy to let her live rent free while she finds work.

I go visit her once in the first six months or so. Things are a bit weird. She doesn't seem interested in any physical intimacy. And I'm not just meaning ***. I don't even end up sharing a bed with her. She makes me sleep on the floor. Either way, I didn't know it at the time, but I was in the middle of my first major drought. That one lasted about 22 months.

It got to the point where I tried to discuss with her the possibility that we weren't supposed to be together. She cried. I caved. She came to visit a few weeks later and things got better for a bit. For the next year or two, we saw each other maybe once every few months. It started as about every five weeks at first, then got longer and longer between. Eventually, I'd only see her for a little bit when she'd pass through town on her way to see her mom. We'd go out to dinner, catch up for an hour or so, and then she was off on her way.

During this time, she loses the job she moved up there for. No details, but it really mostly wasn't her fault. She goes through two more jobs, possibly a bit her fault, though maybe just bad luck with awful managers. Dunno.

Two years ago, my roommates and I moved into this nice house. Renting still, but it was a nice change. She came to visit later that summer, and for three glorious days, things were back to how they had been. It was like she had never been gone. I felt as close to her as I had before she ran away to her internship.

She moved out of her apartment, renting a room from this married couple who live with their kid. At that point, it meant that if I wanted to visit, I now not only needed to get a couple days off on the same schedule as her, but I had pay for a hotel room. Naturally, that's when finances decided to take a crap due to car problems and other things.

She's visited three times since then. Twice when coming through for funerals. Once when she was passing through from visiting her mother. We watched an episode of Phineas and Ferb because she said she didn't really seem chatty and had to leave fairly soon. That was a year ago. I've scheduled two vacations this summer, one of which I had the funds to go visit, but then she had doctor's appointments and it didn't work out. The money went into other things that really needed to be done over the summer.

I'm thirty now. I'm going to keep trying, but if things are still this bad in two years(when I've paid off a couple of my student loans and have more funds every month and can afford to re-enter the dating scene), I'm going to bring up that talk again, and try not to cave this time if she gets upset.


TL;DR: Yeah, I'm somewhat celibate despite being in a relationship and not happy about it.
#20 Aug 12 2013 at 3:14 PM Rating: Good
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I've been in a bit of a dry spell for about three years now. Mostly due to issues with depression and anxiety. I've had opportunities over that time, but I always felt that my head was not in the right place to get into anything with someone else, that it wouldn't be fair to the other person. When I get my head back on straight, I'll put myself back out there.

I tend to need a lot of time to myself. Usually when you start dating someone, this isn't a problem. You can see each other a couple times a week, with a phone call here and there, and it's great. As it goes on and you start spending more time together, this is where I run into problems. I've just not found anyone who likes or needs as much time to herself as I need to myself. I could see myself living with a girlfriend at some point, but it's something where I would need a room, as an office, study, whatever, where I can just go be alone and recharge. I usually try to compromise by having time together where we weren't actively doing stuff together, but were in the same place. I just need time to be inside my own head, and I know there are women out there who are similar in that respect, I just have yet to find one who is interested in me. Smiley: lol
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#21 Aug 12 2013 at 4:36 PM Rating: Excellent
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Quote:
TL;DR: Yeah, I'm somewhat celibate despite being in a relationship and not happy about it.


I wouldn't normally jump into this, but for various reasons, **** it.

It doesn't seem like you are in much of a relationship. It looks like you are in something because it's safe, and comfortable for her to not worry about this sort of thing, You rarely see each other, and when you do it's minimal interaction. You aren't happy. You need to talk about this with her. Now. Not in 2 years. Really, you should have had this discussion a long time ago. Don't stop it because it's hard.

Do you just want someone who will see you when someone is dead? Someone to somberly hold your casket aloft? Because that's what you're going to get. If you wanted to make a distance thing work, you'd make it work, not find various excuses why you can't meet up. This is stuff you already know, and should be smart enough to adjust your course, whatever excuses you make to the contrary. As a side note, you don't need funds to be "in the dating scene", they are nice, but not really necessary (barring some minimal level that even a jacked up deadbeat can swing)
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#22 Aug 12 2013 at 6:05 PM Rating: Good
Dyadem wrote:
I dont: Want to date a guy who's in it just for ***, but I dont want a clinger either

I do: Want to date a pot smoker, but NOT one who smokes more than me (I do not appreciate being yelled at for getting high while you were gone/working/etc, for any reason)
I do: Want to date a gamer, but not some obsessed fanboi who only can see one game in an entire spectrum of games to dabble in.


So... umm, what are you doing this Friday?

On topic, as I've gotten older (36 atm), I've become more set in my ways and less willing to comprimise. I am what they call a "crazy chic magnet", and while crazy is fun, my patience for it isn't there anymore. So by choice, I go through periods of time celibate. Then the hormones are too much to handle and I find myself a girl to remind me of why I enjoyed my time without one.
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#23 Aug 12 2013 at 8:46 PM Rating: Excellent
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Brokenwheel wrote:
Dyadem wrote:
I dont: Want to date a guy who's in it just for ***, but I dont want a clinger either

I do: Want to date a pot smoker, but NOT one who smokes more than me (I do not appreciate being yelled at for getting high while you were gone/working/etc, for any reason)
I do: Want to date a gamer, but not some obsessed fanboi who only can see one game in an entire spectrum of games to dabble in.


So... umm, what are you doing this Friday?


Smiley: dubious .. I feel like I should mention something important... but I'd rather enjoy this for a moment...

Quote:

On topic, as I've gotten older (36 atm), I've become more set in my ways and less willing to comprimise. I am what they call a "crazy chic magnet", and while crazy is fun, my patience for it isn't there anymore. So by choice, I go through periods of time celibate. Then the hormones are too much to handle and I find myself a girl to remind me of why I enjoyed my time without one.


This is why I date other men.

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#24 Aug 12 2013 at 9:10 PM Rating: Default
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Friar Bijou wrote:
This is not a boo-hoo thread.Smiley: mad


As some here may be aware, I am a divorced person. It’s been 12 years since the divorce. While the divorce wasn’t particularly nasty, the preceding marriage was emotionally exhausting. This has, no doubt, killed my motivation to attempt another serious relationship. Since then, while I’ve met some very nice women, I’ve not dated. Since I’ve not dated, I’ve also not boom-chick-a-wow-wow’d.


Which brings us to the point of the thread:

It took me several years to come to terms with being “alone”. I put “alone” in quotes there because I’m certainly surrounded by people at work and I do have a roommate (friend from work) so I’m not isolated alone, just very, very single. I’m (mostly) OK with it now and realize that my lifestyle (such as it is) isn’t super-conducive to time-sharing and most times I don’t think about it.


Having said all that:

Is there anyone else in here who is, by fate or design, celibate? Are you OK with it? Do you feel like your life is missing something?


Friends with benefits... best of both worlds. Just note, it will inevitably become dramatic at one point. It's all about how you handle it.
#25 Aug 12 2013 at 9:11 PM Rating: Good
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Timelordwho wrote:
Quote:
TL;DR: Yeah, I'm somewhat celibate despite being in a relationship and not happy about it.


I wouldn't normally jump into this, but for various reasons, @#%^ it.

It doesn't seem like you are in much of a relationship. It looks like you are in something because it's safe, and comfortable for her to not worry about this sort of thing, You rarely see each other, and when you do it's minimal interaction. You aren't happy. You need to talk about this with her. Now. Not in 2 years. Really, you should have had this discussion a long time ago. Don't stop it because it's hard.

Do you just want someone who will see you when someone is dead? Someone to somberly hold your casket aloft? Because that's what you're going to get. If you wanted to make a distance thing work, you'd make it work, not find various excuses why you can't meet up. This is stuff you already know, and should be smart enough to adjust your course, whatever excuses you make to the contrary.[/sm]
Yeah, I know. I know. Believe me.

Part of the reason I wanted to see her this summer was to be because I wanted to talk with her about where we're going with our relationship in person since over the phone just doesn't feel right. Still doesn't, and I'm going to keep trying to get together with her to discuss it. And, I guess, when you get down to it, I still love her. But a talk has been coming. The two years thing was a deadline for myself if nothing else.

Timelordwho wrote:
As a side note, you don't need funds to be "in the dating scene", they are nice, but not really necessary (barring some minimal level that even a jacked up deadbeat can swing)
Probably true, but I really am fairly broke atm.

Edited, Aug 12th 2013 9:14pm by Poldaran
#26 Aug 13 2013 at 2:48 AM Rating: Good
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OkCupid is free and coffee dates aren't exactly expensive either. Smiley: wink
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Astarin wrote:
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