Forum Settings
       
Reply To Thread

So... my grandmother died this morning...Follow

#1 Apr 03 2013 at 7:56 PM Rating: Excellent
Annoying Ass
ZAM Administrator
Avatar
*****
11,949 posts
... and I'm not really sure what to feel or how to deal with it.

She was 88 (two weeks short of 89) and had been in and out of the hospital for the past month. First she had fallen and had been stuck on the floor next to her bed for 24-48 hours before my uncle found her (she lives alone in a rent-controlled apartment complex). She went to the hospital where they found out she had a fractured ankle. The doctors decided to put her into physical therapy and recommended (although they did not demand) assisted living. While recuperating at home she came down with a fuzzy memory that was apparently due to an undiagnosed UTI. After a short stay back in the hospital to treat it, she was sent to short-term assisted care and my aunt, uncle, and grandmother decided that assisted living was the only way to go (though my grandmother was very reluctant). She was to move in tomorrow, but this morning she was found unconscious in bed. By the time she had been transferred back to the hospital she was unresponsive, and due to the DNR order she had filled out, she died there.

I had given my grandmother the nickname that stuck with her for nearly three decades: Nini (when I was young apparently I tried to say "Nana"). For the past year or two I had been sending her e-mails, updating her about my life. I felt like, even if she wasn't responding (she was terrible with computers; my aunt set up a program to print out e-mails automatically 3 times a day), at least she was a part of my life, and she always told my aunt how happy she was to hear from me. "He's got a good head on his shoulders and he's such a nice boy, writing to an old woman like me!" was the last message I heard from my aunt right before my grandmother went to the hospital.

On the one hand, I'm carrying on as normal. I learned in the most unpleasant of ways: one of my cousins mentioned it on facebook this morning. At noon I called my father (this was my paternal grandmother) and verified. I managed to complete the rest of the day without any emotional outbursts, tears, or anything.

Tonight I decided to take some time for myself and try and sort out my feelings. I went to a Subway for dinner, and saw an elderly couple there. The woman looked nothing like my grandmother, but at that moment I saw her in the woman. I (hopefully not too awkwardly) said to her "Excuse me, this is out of the blue, but... my grandmother died this morning. Could I please hug you?"

The woman nodded and said "Of course."

I left without buying a sandwich and cried in my car.

I miss my grandmother Smiley: frown
____________________________
Retired News Writer for the ZAM Network
WoW - Aureliano the Insane - level 90 Druid on Sen'Jin
Nanaoki - level 90 Mage on Sen'Jin
#2 Apr 03 2013 at 8:02 PM Rating: Good
Worst. Title. Ever!
*****
14,847 posts
Sorry to hear that.

And not trying to be mean or rude, but asking to hug a random old person seems very odd to me. I'd be creeped out on either end of that exchange.
____________________________
Can't sleep, clown will eat me.
#3 Apr 03 2013 at 8:36 PM Rating: Excellent
**
487 posts
Locke, sorry to hear about your grandmother. I think it was sweet of that woman to let you hug her. I'm sure she didn't mind at all.
#4 Apr 03 2013 at 10:17 PM Rating: Excellent
Locke, I'm truly sorry about your loss. It sounds like you were very close, and that is what you need to keep with you always. I lost my last grandparent over a decade ago, and for me it was very hard because she had progressive alzheimer and dementia, so there were no last goodbyes or that final story about my mothers childhood, or any of the other tales that I wish I had asked about. Then again, there would never be enough time, or perhaps interest in my (as a childs) part to ask about those things... so you just have to keep what you do know with you.

Damnit my eyes are leaky... /endpost
____________________________
Things I sometimes play...

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"I want to be a unicorn!"
"Awww, why's that?"........
"So I can stab people with my face."
#5 Apr 03 2013 at 11:45 PM Rating: Excellent
Repressed Memories
******
20,576 posts
Seems like she had people who cared for her. When you gotta go, it's best to be missed.
#6 Apr 04 2013 at 12:24 AM Rating: Excellent
Avatar
******
27,455 posts
Oh my god, Locke, that sucks. My condolences on your loss.
LockeColeMA wrote:
Tonight I decided to take some time for myself and try and sort out my feelings. I went to a Subway for dinner, and saw an elderly couple there. The woman looked nothing like my grandmother, but at that moment I saw her in the woman. I (hopefully not too awkwardly) said to her "Excuse me, this is out of the blue, but... my grandmother died this morning. Could I please hug you?"

The woman nodded and said "Of course."

I left without buying a sandwich and cried in my car.
Smiley: frown
____________________________
Someone on another forum wrote:
Wow, you've got an awesome writing style.! I really dig the narrator's back story, humor, sarcasm, and the plethora of pop culture references. Altogether a refreshingly different RotR journal (not that I don't like the more traditional ones, mind you).

#7 Apr 04 2013 at 5:53 AM Rating: Excellent
sorry for you loss
____________________________
Sandinmyeye | |Tsukaremashi*a | Dihydrogen Monoxide (it kills)
#8 Apr 04 2013 at 6:22 AM Rating: Excellent
Soulless Internet Tiger
******
34,681 posts
I lost both of my grandmothers last year.

I don't understand your confusion though. If you're upset, then be upset. If you're not upset, that's perfectly fine. I wasn't upset when I lost both of mine. I loved them both dearly and when I was younger was very close to both of them, but over the last 10-15 years, I only ever saw them every now and then, so the effects of them passing away aren't all that noticeable as we often had family gatherings where neither of them were present.

Take the memories you have and cherish them. That's all you really need to or can do.
____________________________
Donate. One day it could be your family.
Need a hotel at a great rate? More hotels being added weekly.

An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come. Victor Hugo

#9 Apr 04 2013 at 8:40 AM Rating: Excellent
******
43,650 posts
LockeColeMA wrote:
... and I'm not really sure what to feel or how to deal with it.
There's no biological law saying you have to act or feel a certain way. Remember the good times, cry if you need to.
____________________________
George Carlin wrote:
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
#10 Apr 04 2013 at 9:39 AM Rating: Excellent
*****
10,507 posts
****, the onions. It sounds like you were a wonderful grandson (I was going to say great grandson, but that means something else...), and I feel certain that she was happy.
____________________________
◕ ‿‿ ◕
#11 Apr 04 2013 at 9:48 AM Rating: Excellent
Meat Popsicle
*****
11,756 posts
Smiley: frown... Smiley: crymore... Smiley: cry...

Smiley: flowers

I hope the flowers brighten your day. Loss is a painful, awful thing. Feel better soon.
____________________________
That monster in the mirror, he just might be you. -Grover
#12 Apr 04 2013 at 9:55 AM Rating: Good
Skelly Poker Since 2008
*****
15,905 posts
Bummer Locke.

Many of us these days seem to get pretty detached from our grandparents when we get to adulthood. I think that creates some feelings of guilt when they pass.

But you were clearly in her mind and in her heart. Keep her in yours.
____________________________
Alma wrote:
Post and be happy!
#13 Apr 04 2013 at 11:16 AM Rating: Excellent
Sorry to hear that Locke. Smiley: frown My condolences.
____________________________
Love,
PunkFloyd
#14 Apr 04 2013 at 11:36 AM Rating: Excellent
Everyone's Oiran
Avatar
*****
15,921 posts
lolgaxe wrote:
LockeColeMA wrote:
... and I'm not really sure what to feel or how to deal with it.
There's no biological law saying you have to act or feel a certain way. Remember the good times, cry if you need to.

Any and all of your emotions are legitimate. They are your reality of being. Some emotions can lead to dysfunctional actions, and then they are problematic, but the process of mourning, or dealing with the death of a family member, are not usually problematic to anyone, unless you start judging yourself for feeling an emotion, or not feeling an emotion you think you "should", and start getting trapped into giving yourself a hard time about it.

Be easy and gentle with yourself. You know about the "5 stages of loss" thingy? You're allowed time to grieve/be angry/be in denial/feel guilty/whatever, and you're allowed time to move on, enter a new phase of your life. The process may take turns over decades. Your Grandmother's loss may be like a pebble in your water: 40 years later you may catch your breath with pain, remembering her, and realising you can't tell her you love her one last time. Other times in the future, you will think of her, and a broad smile with light up your face, because you love her just so **** much, and you wouldn't have given up any happy moments with her for anything, even in return for not having to feel pain at her loss from your life.
____________________________
<3

http://www.reddit.com/r/Forum4/
#15 Apr 04 2013 at 12:37 PM Rating: Excellent
Needs More Smut
Avatar
******
20,362 posts
Yeah, the onions. They're getting to me too.

Count yourself lucky - I only met my grandmother once. And it sounds like you brought joy to her life by contact her via email (even if she did have to read print outs.)

Go ahead and cry as much as you need to. The grieving process takes upwards of a year, and the sooner you start on it, the better you'll feel.
____________________________
FFXI: Catwho on Bismarck. Once again a top bard on the server: Dardaubla 90 on 1/6/2014
Thayos wrote:
I can't understand anyone who skips the cutscenes of a Final Fantasy game. That's like going to Texas and not getting barbecue.

FFXIV: Katarh Mest on Lamia - Member of The Swarm and leader of Grammarian Tea House chat LS
#16 Apr 04 2013 at 2:00 PM Rating: Excellent
Avatar
****
9,284 posts
LockeColeMA wrote:


I miss my grandmother Smiley: frown


This made me cry. My grandmother died in October, the day after my 30th birthday. She was the member of my family that I was closest to. I don't actually really have anyone else that I can rely on the way I could rely on her. She was the one that sent me gift certificates for groceries while I was in college. She was the one that I called when I needed advice. She was the only one who sent me christmas presents and birthday cards.

I'm bawling my eyes out now, at work, geeze.

Even to the end she was taking care of us, taking care of me, and in the best spirits she could be. She stopped eating for about 2 weeks before she died and she even joked "it sure takes a long time to starve to death."

She had advanced COPD, and was quite young, only 69, but 30 or more years of smoking heavily had destroyed her lungs. She was slowly suffocating to death so she was doing everything she could to speed up the inevitable process at the end. Also morphine does not play well with the insides so she decided no food for her.

I was there when she passed on, holding her hand. My aunt (one of few family members left) was crying too much, she couldn't be at her side. I talked her all the way through her last breaths and it was the hardest thing that I've ever done to see that last pulse in her neck and watch as she left us. Its been months and I still haven't fully processed it. I am not sure that it is possible to fully process it.

I do know that it has made me much more aware of and sensitive to death. I am sorry for your loss. So deeply sorry.
____________________________
lolgaxe wrote:
When it comes to sitting around not doing anything for long periods of time, only being active for short windows, and marginal changes and sidegrades I'd say FFXI players were the perfect choice for politicians.

clicky
#17 Apr 04 2013 at 2:18 PM Rating: Excellent
Encyclopedia
******
31,593 posts
Sorry for your loss Locke. I think sometimes even when we know that the end is coming, we still don't quite believe it or expect it when it happens. In your case, it sounds like she appeared to have more time left, but that's not always the case. The good news is it seems like you have a lifetime of good memories of her. Think of those, and carry them with you.
____________________________
King Nobby wrote:
More words please
#18 Apr 04 2013 at 4:05 PM Rating: Excellent
Avatar
******
29,886 posts
Smiley: frown

My condolences. I never know what to say to threads like this. Losing a loved one is definitly one of the more difficult experiances to endure, but it sounds like she had a good long run of it. Keep your chin up, things will get better eventually.
____________________________
Arch Duke Kaolian Drachensborn, lvl 95 Ranger, Unrest Server
Tech support forum | FAQ (Support) | Mobile Zam: http://m.zam.com (Premium only)
Forum Rules
#19 Apr 05 2013 at 4:04 AM Rating: Excellent
Everyone's Oiran
Avatar
*****
15,921 posts
Oh geez, Olorinus, now I have a lump in my throat. And thinking about what I want to say next to you and Locke, is making me cry now too. I'm really glad for you that you have this desperate pain in your life. I'm really glad for you that you had grandmothers that loved you so much and so well and so hard. I'm really glad for you that you had grandmothers that you loved so much and so well and so hard back.
____________________________
<3

http://www.reddit.com/r/Forum4/
#20 Apr 05 2013 at 9:06 AM Rating: Excellent
Drunken English Bastard
*****
15,263 posts
My condolences Locke, truly.

I was very close with my grandmother. She always said I was her favourite, much to my Aunt's annoyance. She was a fierce woman and I miss her dearly.

I am very sorry for your loss. There's a special bond for most of us and our Grandmas.
____________________________
My Movember page
Solrain wrote:
WARs can use semi-colons however we want. I once killed a guy with a semi-colon.

LordFaramir wrote:
ODESNT MATTER CAUSE I HAVE ALCHOLOL IN MY VEINGS BETCH ;3
#21 Apr 05 2013 at 4:52 PM Rating: Excellent
*****
10,776 posts
Smiley: flowers My condolences, Locke.
#22 Apr 09 2013 at 7:12 AM Rating: Excellent
Annoying Ass
ZAM Administrator
Avatar
*****
11,949 posts
Thanks for all the well-wishing, guys.

It's been almost a week, and things are slowly returning to normal for me. I was pretty shook up Wednesday and Thursday, and freaking out because I had some friends from college coming to visit Thursday night. It ended up working out well; not only was it great to have "the old gang" back together, but they were wonderful for emotional support and amazing for getting my mind off of the sadness. We had a good weekend and while I think I'll always have moments when I get overwhelmed from losing my grandmother, life goes on.

She was cremated on Saturday up in MA, and a small remembrance was held by the relatives living nearby. We're setting up plans for later this summer to have a large family gathering and we plan to honor her life then.
____________________________
Retired News Writer for the ZAM Network
WoW - Aureliano the Insane - level 90 Druid on Sen'Jin
Nanaoki - level 90 Mage on Sen'Jin
Reply To Thread

Colors Smileys Quote OriginalQuote Checked Help

 

Recent Visitors: 62 All times are in CDT
TherealLogros, Anonymous Guests (61)