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Inexplicably annoying biological relatives of doomFollow

#1 Nov 07 2007 at 9:40 AM Rating: Good
Vagina Dentata,
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So, I wasn't raised with my biodad but with my father and I met my biological father when I was 17. I've seen him maybe six or seven times in my life. So anyways, I've always found him sort of annoying but he's dreamed of having a wonderful and close relationship to me without having to do any type of emotional investment.

So here is the deal. Two years ago, I think I was in Boston with him and he was talking and talking and talking and I said something like "Do you have ADD?" He was so offended, he got up and said, "I'm gonna go. I can't believe you said that. We'll talk later." So his wife is all like "Go after him" and I said, "No, I'm not gonna go after him. I'm going home" I told my mother about it who said it was hilarious that he thought I'd cater to his moodiness. So the next day, he called and I saw him. He was overly apologetic and then kept saying that I was going to talk crap to my sister (and ruin everything) and my mom will hate him more than she already does (I said my mom doesn't hate him, she hasn't seen him for like 35 years).

So, we leave and he freaks out and keeps bugging my sister about how I feel about him, constantly leading to these three way type email chains where I have to justify myself to her and to him (My sister just wants to keep the peace). I write to him and tell him to stop talking to my sister about me--if he wants to talk about me, then be direct.

So anyways, six months go along or so and finally he writes to my sister, "I know I'm not supposed to write to you about Anna but i've written her so many times and she doesn't respond." She forwards it to me and i write him back and say that I've never received any emails (which is true and something he's saying always when he's anxious) and I'm not sure why he can't either call or figure out the correct address since this happens to no one else.

And then nothing.

And then he writes to my sister about being sickly and having surgery and how he values my sister so much and how he regrets me and my meanness. And then this weekend, he's visiting even though I'm also up and don't want to meet up with him at all. (which I probably won't--thankfully, he's scared of my mom who I will be with most of the time).

My question really is: Why is he such an idiot? Smiley: madSmiley: madSmiley: mad
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Seriously, what the f*ck nature?
#2 Nov 07 2007 at 9:43 AM Rating: Good
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Maybe if you enabled his moodiness this wouldn't be a problem.

ITT: We learn that Anna is only an online enabler.
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#3 Nov 07 2007 at 9:43 AM Rating: Good
Tell him to **** off and be done with it. I don't see why people find it so important to meet the sperm donor their mother used. It's my opinion that the people who raise you are the ones who love you and are worth your time.

But don't take it from me because I'm an insensitive ******* like that.
#4 Nov 07 2007 at 9:46 AM Rating: Good
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Elderon wrote:
Tell him to @#%^ off and be done with it. I don't see why people find it so important to meet the sperm donor their mother used. It's my opinion that the people who raise you are the ones who love you and are worth your time.

But don't take it from me because I'm an insensitive @#%^ like that.


I don't think it would bug me so much if he didn't draw my sister so much into it. I think even more so, her husband, who has a great relationship with his father, seems to think it'd be natural to have my sister be close with him, even though she's far less enthusiastic than he is.
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Turin wrote:
Seriously, what the f*ck nature?
#5 Nov 07 2007 at 9:48 AM Rating: Excellent
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Annabella wrote:
My question really is: Why is he such an idiot? [:mad][:mad][:mad]


He sounds like one of those people who get away with being obnoxious because no one ever wants to deal with them enough to say "Cut it out, you're annoying as **** when you're like this," and make it stick.

Probably a handy trick he learned at the age of 2 and never had to unlearn.

I feel a little sorry for those people, because they're not liked and they never really understand why; but at the same time, I sure as hell don't want to be around them.

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#6 Nov 07 2007 at 9:49 AM Rating: Good
Lady Annabella wrote:
Elderon wrote:
Tell him to @#%^ off and be done with it. I don't see why people find it so important to meet the sperm donor their mother used. It's my opinion that the people who raise you are the ones who love you and are worth your time.

But don't take it from me because I'm an insensitive @#%^ like that.


I don't think it would bug me so much if he didn't draw my sister so much into it. I think even more so, her husband, who has a great relationship with his father, seems to think it'd be natural to have my sister be close with him, even though she's far less enthusiastic than he is.
Do you make your sister's bed everyday too?

She makes the bed she sleeps in. You of all people should realize that people own their problems and you cannot save the world. Isn't this psych 101? Smiley: rolleyes
#7 Nov 07 2007 at 9:49 AM Rating: Good
Elderon wrote:
Tell him to @#%^ off and be done with it. I don't see why people find it so important to meet the sperm donor their mother used. It's my opinion that the people who raise you are the ones who love you and are worth your time.

But don't take it from me because I'm an insensitive @#%^ like that.


No, I definitely agree with you. While I won't stop my oldest from finding his birth father, I also don't think it'll be a great choice if he does. My husband was half adopted as well, and could careless about meeting his birth father. He knows he didn't care about him, and when that family started trying to come around, he politely asked them to leave that there is no reason they should be trying to enter his life (this was at age 17).

Anna, he's a **** and is looking for validation. He doesn't want to think he made this horrible choice years ago and is trying to "make it up" to someone who is already solid in how she feels. Don't enable him, and try to make your sister understand she's enabling him. He'll never stop being an idiot until you do.
#8 Nov 07 2007 at 9:49 AM Rating: Good
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I agree with Elderon. Tell him to fuck off. He had his chance to be your father and he chose not to. Since you actually don't think of him as your dad, it shouldn't really matter. He can either make a genuine effort and stop going for pity, or he can stick his thumb up his *** and ride it back to the hole he crawled out of.
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#9 Nov 07 2007 at 9:53 AM Rating: Good
Do you want me to call him for you?
#10 Nov 07 2007 at 9:53 AM Rating: Excellent
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LobsterJohnson the Sly wrote:
Do you want me to call him for you?


Smiley: laugh

MAKE IT SO!
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#11 Nov 07 2007 at 9:55 AM Rating: Decent
Samira wrote:
LobsterJohnson the Sly wrote:
Do you want me to call him for you?


Smiley: laugh

MAKE IT SO!
If Samira says it, it must happen.
#12 Nov 07 2007 at 9:57 AM Rating: Good
LobsterJohnson the Sly wrote:
Samira wrote:
LobsterJohnson the Sly wrote:
Do you want me to call him for you?


Smiley: laugh

MAKE IT SO!
If Samira says it, it must happen.


You should have totally bypassed her mom and called the birth father.. Then I think it would have made for much greater lulz.
#13 Nov 07 2007 at 9:59 AM Rating: Excellent
I think you should have Allegory call your dad, Anna.

If you think about it, it just makes more sense.
#14 Nov 07 2007 at 10:16 AM Rating: Good
Vagina Dentata,
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Yeah, I agree with you guys and my sister doesn't force me into a relationship with him. I just get these random emails and know he's ....around. There has been times though where my sister asked my mom if she thought I was lying about not getting his emails. My mom said, "You know your sister. If she didn't want to write him back, she'd just tell him that."

And that bugs me. Is he trying to create a wedge? He once tried with me against my sister and I said, "Are you ******* serious?" And he stopped.

My sister doesn't like him that much. Partly, we can never get over the reality that he used to beat my mom when she was just a girl. Even younger than Kaain.

\

Edited, Nov 7th 2007 1:20pm by Annabella
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Seriously, what the f*ck nature?
#15 Nov 07 2007 at 10:27 AM Rating: Excellent
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Lady Annabella wrote:
Yeah, I agree with you guys and my sister doesn't force me into a relationship with him. I just get these random emails and know he's ....around. There has been times though where my sister asked my mom if she thought I was lying about not getting his emails. My mom said, "You know your sister. If she didn't want to write him back, she'd just tell him that."

My sister doesn't like him that much. Partly, we can never get over the reality that he used to beat my mom when she was just a girl. Even younger than Kaain.

Edited, Nov 7th 2007 1:17pm by Annabella


Well... it sounds to me like your sister is playing into this drama for some reason. She's the one perpetuating it, at this point. Any idea why?
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#16 Nov 07 2007 at 10:30 AM Rating: Good
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Samira wrote:


Well... it sounds to me like your sister is playing into this drama for some reason. She's the one perpetuating it, at this point. Any idea why?


She's definitely too much of a people pleaser and I think she wants to get along for the sake of appearances, especially b/c I think she has always regretted our imperfect family. I think it's just insecurity. It's odd though--even I think so and difficult to describe b/c you'd have to know her.
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Turin wrote:
Seriously, what the f*ck nature?
#17 Nov 07 2007 at 10:47 AM Rating: Decent
You need to hash this out with your sister. Since she’s married, I will assume that she has reached the age of majority and has the cerebral wherewithal to make her own decisions. You say she’s insecure because she never had the “perfect” family. Perhaps she really needs to connect to your father. Perhaps she’s being used. But it’s her call whether to pursue the relationship.

What you can avoid, however, is letting him drive a wedge between you and your sister. Hence, the need to discuss this with her. Express your understanding of why she might want a relationship with him. Then explain why you do not. Promise to respect her decision regarding her life, and insist that she respect yours. A final solution will likely require compromise from both of you. She cannot foist him upon you, but neither can you completely avoid him if you and your sister are to have a healthy relationship.

The key is that neither of you deserve to feel guilty about your disparate choices regarding your father.
#18 Nov 07 2007 at 10:50 AM Rating: Good
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Bring him up here Anna. I'm sure we can find a short pier for him to walk off of. Smiley: wink
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#19 Nov 07 2007 at 10:52 AM Rating: Good
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Damn that sucks for you. He sounds like a grade A assclown that needs a reality check.

Children aren't luggage. You can't just conveniently leave them somewhere else and expect to come and politely reclaim them after you grow a set : /

Sorry Anna, hope everything works out well for you though.
#20 Nov 07 2007 at 11:33 AM Rating: Decent
This is explains so much. Smiley: oyvey

**** on'em. People like that are blights on life. Say your peace to him and be done with it.
#21 Nov 07 2007 at 12:31 PM Rating: Decent
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Well, Anna all I can tell you is that if he really wants to make a legitimate effort you're going to have to play therapist with him. He's the one who seems interested in making something. All you have to do is lay it out for him. Tell him how it's going to be and if he doesn't like it he can go away. He's the only one who has to prove anything and he needs to remember that.
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#22 Nov 07 2007 at 12:33 PM Rating: Decent
FYI, your dad sounds like my moms ex-boyfriend.
#23 Nov 07 2007 at 12:35 PM Rating: Good
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I have to agree with those who say to let it go, and let him be. My father turned into a raving psychopathic freak after he discovered he had a neuromuscular disorder. He tried to drive a wedge between my husband and I, and would want to talk to me all of the time about how he thought my mom was cheating on him, and how horrible his life was, blah blah blah. For all of the conversations I and others had with him urging him to keep going to his doctors, and to keep his head up, he still sunk into a deep depression, hell-bent on taking the rest of the family down with him.

After a while, it began to seriously @#%^ with my head, so I decided that the best course of action for my sanity was to cut off all contact. It's been a year and a half now since I've spoken with him. Smiley: thumbsup

I say do what you need to do for YOU, and your relationship with your sis. If that means telling him to GDIAF, do so. If your sis won't stop listening to his drivel, tell her to do the same as well, or ask her which relationship is more important to her. With her sister, or with the sperm donor who wasn't even around when you were growing up?

I know I'm not a regular here, but this topic hits close to home for me. I would hate to see someone else go through the hell I went through when my father acted like an asshat.

Edited, Nov 7th 2007 1:36pm by Serielley
#24 Nov 07 2007 at 1:19 PM Rating: Excellent
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Quote:
If your sis won't stop listening to his drivel, tell her to do the same as well, or ask her which relationship is more important to her. With her sister, or with the sperm donor who wasn't even around when you were growing up?


Yeeeah, I tend to be a little cautious about issuing ultimata.

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